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Family Matters:  Major Fallout with my family....  |
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AFMom
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Erica
North Dakota
USA
100 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 7:03:35 PM
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Hi Heather,
Your last post was so uplifting..I like what you said at the end, about reclaiming the woman you used to be-the one your husband fell in love with...AMEN!
I on the other hand had the most stressful, horrible day with my Mom yet...and at this point I just can't go into it..but she is 74 and I am the one who feels like I am dying inside. So, I hear you about finding yourself and being the woman you used to be....I want that so bad for myself and my family. You give me hope girl! Hugs to you, Erica |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 7:22:39 PM
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Hugs right back to you Erica!! I hope your week goes better...
Thanks to all!! I find it so touching how women can come together and uplift a soul!! Thank you.
Cheers,
Heather |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 7:25:39 PM
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Erica, I hope things get better for you.
Heather..the same wish for you. I hope that through all of this you gals can see just how special you are.
Follow your heart and your dreams and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't terrific..because you are!
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~
visit me at:
http://gardengoose.blogspot.com/
and at www.stliving.net
you can also check out my etsy shops at:http://GardenGooseGifts.etsy.com |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 8:05:32 PM
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Heather...me thinks you need to do what I have done with my sister....Divorce her. If I don't allow her in my life, she can't cause me pain.
I've had phone calls and emails from all over the USA, and some overseas, asking if we're okay after the big flood on Saturday. Not one word from my sister..just what I expected, so I wasn't upset.
Live your live as you and your husband and child choose and don't allow anyone else to intrude. Do you think your mother really forgot to tell you about your aunt dying? No, she knew it would be upsetting because it was someone you loved and just another form of her mental cruelty.
So many have been through the same horrible ordeals with family, it's sad but true.
Isn't it nice to be able to vent your anger and frustrations? and so good for you, too, to help you to heal.
Hugs from Ronna |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2008 : 9:33:14 PM
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Bravo for you gurlfriend. Sounds like you have made a good start. Just keep thinking about Auntie, the cabin and moving toward her blissfully rewarding life. That will be very honoring to her and satisfying to you.
I had a similar situation over the past few years. I'm not sure if its worse for us single moms. Like we're children and can't take care of ourselves. When my mom would started in on me I would tell her I didn't want to talk about that and politely asked her to change the subject. When she wouldn't I hung up on her. She would then call back screaming at me. I would explain again that I was not interested in being preached to, told how I'm doing things wrong and how I should do things her way and if she could only critisize and yell I was not going to talk with her. She usually told me she was my mother and I had to listen to her. NOT. When she started in I would hang up again. This went on for several months. My dad and brother called to rip me about how I was treating mom. I would politely tell them I was a grown woman, gainfully employed, raising a daughter on my own, and living my life the way I wanted to. I was NOT required to sit there and listen to this crap just because she was my mother and if mom couldn't talk to me with respect she couldn't talk to me at all. Period!
Several more months went by with her yelling, me hanging up and dad and bro calling to mend fences. Finally, I just stopped answering the phone. Then they called sis to find out about me. Since sis knew about all this she was able to tell mom if you didn't preach and tell her what to do and all she would talk to you. Finally sis had to tell mom to stop calling because sis was busy working.
Well, dad finally told her flat out what the problem was -HER! She went into a crying jag for days (maniuplation tactic), but I still don't talk to her for a long time.
DD and I just did what we want, when we want and how we want. AAAHHH peace at last.
Mom has called a few times to invite us to lunch or dinner and she's been very reserved. We've only gone once. Maybe our absence has hit a cord and now she'll think twice before she speaks.
Stay tough Heather. You'll survive and be the happy for it. |
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mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2008 : 08:50:57 AM
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Hey Jen!! Maybe its a crazy mom in L.A. thing????Your mom sounds just as nuts as mine! Do you think its too much smog???LOL! Hugs!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2008 : 7:27:40 PM
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Sorry Debi, not ignoring you, just haven't been on line in a few days. It must be a So Cal thing. A good friend of mine says our mothers must be clones. Her's is nuts too. Can I run away to your neck of the woods? |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2008 : 10:45:35 AM
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Gee, Heather, my family isn't *quite* as nuts as yours but they sure are close! Close enough you sure hit a chord with me.
I still interact with my family, but it is so hurtful every time. It takes me a few weeks to rebound and find myself again. I can't visit them without DH along... last time I did that I spent the night crying in the guest room, and left before dawn.
I had to realize, I am ME. I am not the housewife, ballet dancer, pianist and social bombshell my mother wanted me to be. I am not the boy either, though I sure fulfilled a lot of those duties until my brother, the "prize" who can do no wrong, was old enough. I had to learn that what my parents think of me does not matter. That I sit on the opposite side of the political spectrum, that I prefer my dogs to having kids and perpetuating the abuse, both verbal and physical, that has plagued my mother's side of the family from mother to daughter for a very long time. It does not matter that my dad told DH that my business "would never support us" and that DH would have to make that money, not me. It does not matter that my mother tries to cover her shortcomings by blaming me in front of family. In the end, the rest of the family knows who she is.
I am me. Independent, self-motivated, professionally self-employed (haha), a Democrat (oh the horror), a tree-hugger who walks everywhere I can (why? there's plenty of oil!), a vegan ("where do you get your protein?"), a doggie mommy (if you had kids, we would visit more) and a dedicated gardener (so ladylike).
By the way, my business pays the bills. DH's money pays for extras.
You are YOU. Doesn't matter what they think. I was so hurt by Dad's lack of confidence in me, it took forever to move past that one comment. I finally realized the golden truth: What my Dad, and my Mom, think of me DOES NOT MATTER. I let it go, and have been at peace with it. Good luck! |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2008 : 11:06:24 AM
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Thank Lynn!! A very promising and uplifting post. I am Me and that is all I can do..and though there are times I wished I had family so my son could have grandparents and yes, so DH and I could get a break once in awhile (DS is almost 2 and besides daycare, that he just started, never has been babysat). But this is the life I was given...
Better get to living it!!!
Cheers,
Heather |
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 12:46:50 PM
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Oh Heather.......I just now have read this post....I know it's been a while since you wrote this, and I know about the issue the other day. And I just have to say...Be strong, I don't even have to say this though...I KNOW YOU ARE!
Cousin from VA,
Jamie :)
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 1:45:10 PM
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Thanks Jamie...when I saw the post again I was like "Uh oh..what did I type this time.." HA!! Thanks for reminding me how far I have come. (((HUGS)))
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 10:24:37 PM
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I did not read everyone's response here, so I apologize if I repeat anything that's already been said, but I had to respond this.
Oh Heather, my heart cries out for you and the pain you are dealing with when it comes to your family. My suspicion is this--- that your mother sees HERSELF in you-- or someone she once WAS, or WISHED to be, and that's why she's so critical of you. I bet she had big dreams as a young girl and someone came along and treated HER the same way she's treated YOU all these years. What do you know about HER upbringing? I bet if you talked to others who knew her growing up it will be like hearing all about YOUR life as YOU have lived it. But then again, she could just be an EXTREMELY jealous, critical, MISERABLE HUMAN BEING who has decided that somehow YOU are the cause of all her misery. It's STILL no excuse for her treatment of you and I couldn't blame you for wanting her OUT of your life!!!
It's very easy to judge how others are living when your on the outside looking in. Someone who's never had to deal with a situation like yours will have all kinds of opinions and "advice," but they really haven't got a clue. Just remember this Heather-- No one can live YOUR life better than YOU-- so live it the way YOU see fit and don't fret about your family. I know it hurts to close that door, but there's no reason to let them keep making you miserable. But I will say this, if there is ever an opportunity to patch things up, don't pass it up. Both of my parents are gone now (mom at 47, dad at 54) and I am SOOO GLAD that I didn't turn my back on them when they tried to make amends for my "upbringing." (or lack there of!) I made a promise to myself years ago, when I was 12, that when I grew up I would live my life in my own way, REGARDLESS of what others thought, and that I would never look back in my twilight years with any regrets. If I had not accepted those pleas of forgivness from my parents when I did, it would have been too late, and that last promise to myself would have been in vain. I'm not sorry I did it. The oppotunity might NOT ever present itself, but consider it seriously if it does. You'll know what to do.
For now, just focus on your family and the life you are living. Like some of the other ladies have said-- others can only hurt you with YOUR permission-- so don't give them permission!!! Hang in there girl and know that we all care for you and wish you the best. Sending you a tight hug, a box of tissues and a big "YOU GO GIRL!!!!" from California. ~~~ Been there too and know how it feels ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 10:35:08 PM
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My Mom married at 18 and has never fullfilled anything in her life. She has basically been a slave to my dad since then. She is 64 and that is not old but she has never stood up for herself. She is all talk and no action. She is a nervous wreck to boot, smoking a pack a day and making a big deal over the smallest things. My dad is a miserable person to begin with and she says she tells him off but she doesn't because in the end, she always agrees with him. They are NEVER happy with anything and can find misery in the greatest of situations. I realized a few years ago we didn't go anywhere when we were little because of lack of money or not being invited, my parents didn't want to make the effort. I really look at them and see no joy in their lives. I think us kids were a burden to my dad and my mom never knew otherwise, since she was a SAHM 99% of her whole life. That can be full filling but not in the way I think she did it.
My door is always open but I am not going to put up with even a monthly phone call until there is an apology. I am done. I have given enough of my life (literally the past 16 years) of me trying to fix things. I have given them at least 20 opportunities to show up and support me, practically begging and pleading with them. It's their turn now.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do appreciate it. (((HUGS)))
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 11:00:20 PM
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"Misery loves company", that's for SURE! The sad thing is they probably never realized WHY no one ever invited them anywhere. I have family like that. My Aunt (mother's sister) is one of the most MISERABLE people I have ever known. But, she's just like my GRANDMA, and my SISTER is just like them BOTH! Although, she's getting a bit better. When she makes a comment about herself like -- "gee I was such a B^&*% when I was younger" I just pat her on the shoulder and whisper "You know, admitting it ALOUD is the first step to recovery" We have a good laugh now, but she really IS starting see that she was the cause of all of her own misery. Like I tell my siblings and friends, "We can CHOOSE to be miserable, or we can CHOOSE to be happy, no one else can make that choice for us." I think it's finally sinking in. I chose to be happy DESPITE my miserable childhood and all the baggage that followed me into adulthood. I also tell my sister "You can either pack that baggage on the train WITH you, or you can leave it at the station-- it's YOUR choice" I think she's FINALLY starting to get what I mean.
Sounds like you've chosen to leave it at the station Heather. That's a good thing. Obviously your mother has chosen to set HERSELF aside for your father. That's enough to make ANYBODY miserable. To lose your own identity so completely...... sigh..... I refuse to even consider it. Still, it makes me sad to see such miserable people, but what can you do? I suppose you can still LOVE them, even if you never speak to them again. At least YOU can look back on your life and say "DAMN! I sure lived a GOOD one!!" No regrets and full of adventure! Yee-Haw Cowgirl!!! ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 11:25:15 PM
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I am very happy with the way I have lived my life and I believe we get back what we put out. My mother lives with a very false front, always pretending to be happy when she is truly miserable. I think that energy comes back to her.
I found out we were invited, they just never went. It was always too much of a hassle, too far, too expensive, too hot, too cold, too Sunday, too Thursday, to April...etc....always an excuse.
They were actually thinking of coming here in October. I was like "Ok" then 1 week later, like clockwork, they backed out saying the usual "Something has come up." Yep...that is what set me off this time around. Honestly, if they hate me or just can't agree with me, they can make an effort for a very cute and smart 2 year old little boy who doesn't even know they exist. But as I say, their choice.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 11:52:21 PM
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Just read this now. And just wanna give y'all ONE big hug!!
I come from a dis-functional family, mom and our father divorced when I was 6 weeks old. MANY many many things happened, not gonna go into it, but just know I know what you're all feeling!!
Great big hugs from overseas.
Love y'all.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
(Only Elvis is a black kitten :) )
http://princess-of-pink-creations.blogspot.com/
my new BLOG
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2008 : 11:55:29 PM
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Thanks I feel so European now..A Netherlands hug!! OH LA LA!!!
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2008 : 9:24:23 PM
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Heather, it is truly their loss! It is truly them and not you. They should be proud of you and your family.
My ex rarely spends time with our daughter. Usually the only time he shows up for a visit is during the holidays for the dog and pony show routine. I have NEVER bad mouthed him or vented any frustration to/in front of my daugther, but she has long since figured him out.
I did tell him once that all of the things he misses and visits he blows off are his loss, and someday he will regret it. Of course it fell on deaf ears.
He is always too busy and has an excuse.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Sep 01 2008 9:25:48 PM |
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one_dog_per_acre
True Blue Farmgirl
1572 Posts
Trish
Sandpoint
ID
USA
1572 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2008 : 9:34:08 PM
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I always read your family problem posts, and have not commented. But I knew this would happen sooner or later. About four years ago, I just gave up on my Dad. It was really a hard thing to do, but it is even harder to keep someone toxic close enough to hurt you. Be proud of what you have with your DH and Charlie. Isn't going to be great how Charlie will not have all of the dysfunction that you, and I grew up with? I am really proud of what I have too :)
Trish
Farmgirl Sister #91
Make cupcakes not war!
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Family Matters: Major Fallout with my family.... |
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Major Fallout with my family....
