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Family Matters:  Major Fallout with my family....  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 2:22:46 PM
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Ok, so I got blind sided this weekend with a call from my Mom. This might get long, so please grab a coffee and possibly some tissues... 
As some of you might know, or not, I don't exactly get along with my immediate blood relatives (Mom, Dad, Sis) because of major difference of opinions and lifestyles. Well, my Mom threw a lot of stuff at me on the phone, a lot about my past and how I am living my life now. You must understand, ANYTHING out of the norm for them is considered so dramatic and extreme and wrong. You must also know, since I was 16, they have never supported me in anything I do nor ever come to anything important in my life, major events like wedding, birth of my son, military service (bootcamp and 2 deployments) etc...and you must also know I have gone out of my way to help them out so many times, busting my butt to help them and getting nothing back. We are talking major issues in their lives that all got pushed on my shoulders (ie: sis and brother were not around to help) but that seems to all be forgotten.
I was always a good kid and even better adult. I have never been in trouble (other than maybe talking all night with my sis when we were little), never did drugs, smoke, drink some but nothing excessive(I like my beer and my fruity drinks and I didn't start until I was legal), I have been told by other parents they wish they had me as their kid. I never even needed a curfew because you could always find me tucked in bed by 9 with all my critters. I read books, hiked, swam, did puzzles and crafts and loved just being home. So to get to the point....
My Mom started off by basically calling me a..excuse the term..a whore. I hate that term but these are her words. She said it all started when I got my first boyfriend at 18 and starting "rebelling" as she calls it. She went through my purse one night while I was sleeping and found pills and a card to Planned Parenthood. The "pills" were baby aspirin and the reason I had been taking so many was because I was having bad periods and my Mom never had medicine in the house, so I bought some and put them in a film canister, because she would have flipped out if she knew I had them. She was very strange about things like this. I even downed 3 right in front of her to prove they were not birth control. And yes, I had gone to PP for help with my bad periods. Again, my parents refused to take me to the doctor and when I turned 18 and had a job, I was starting to take care of myself. She has since then thought I just sleep around with everyone.
They hate how I dress. Now, I am a good cross between a beach babe, cowgirl/rocker girl with my touch of farmgirl (is there such a thing??) I like tank tops and cowgirl boots, tight jeans and make up and big hair. I like to feel sexy about myself and for my husband. I work out hard to get my body to be healthy and tough and I admit, I like to show it off, but not in any sleezy way. To them, I dress like a hooker and they let me know whenever I was around them. For my sis's wedding rehearsal, which was in the middle of a very sticky heat wave in CT, I put on jeans with a t-shirt and flip flops. She thought I was being dis-respectful. It was all I had with me since I had flown OVERNIGHT from California to be there. She made me sit in the back of the church until it came to my part to participate. 
She calls me irresponsible, immature, stupid, silly and I have no grip on reality. She treats me like I am the one who never left home and went out into the real world instead of staying in the small, conservative, prejudice town I grew up in. I have been around the world twice and lived in 6 different states now. My friends are diverse and I have had so many wonderful memories. She thinks we spend too much money and that I should be home with my son, period. Not persuing college, taking him on road trips and dare not consider working. Barefoot and pregnant is the best I can describe it.
She hates the fact the I don't clean my house and that is it decorated in whatever ( the more beat up and worn something is in my house, the more I like it), she commented the whole time how much dog fur was everywhere, how can we even consider packing up when we want and leave and hit the road without thinking. She yelled at me when I feed my son a huge bowl of cut up fruit for lunch (which he devoured) and now I am doing a high raw eating plan for myself and she thinks I am killing myself and my family by eating this way. Yeah- since when are fruits and vegetables the enemy?? She detests that we don't keep to a schedule in our life and we are very much "gypsies".
I watch football (professional and college), the PBR, I love watching my Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and I love my country music. DH even got me a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders picture for Christmas and my DS kisses "his girlfriends" every night and it is very innocent and sweet. They think I am setting a bad example for my son...
Her latest rant is that when DH finishes his time in the military in 13 months, we are selling most of what we can and moving to Texas for good, probably down towards Corpus Christi. We have several cute beach houses we are looking at and we can spend time outdoors, biking, hiking, swimming, and just living our dream life. I want to grow a little garden and have porches for lounging and some hanging hammocks.She thinks it is stupid and dangerous (ie: hurricanes???), that we will never make any money and what are we doing to our son?!?.
I guess my whole point of this rant is my family really hates me and I just want them out of my life. Honestly, I haven't seen them in over 2 years now and as far as I am concerned, they are just people. They really mean nothing to me. I have tried, tried, tried to right things and be the bigger person and I am just tired of all of it. I am sick of people telling me to pray about it, or just accept it as they are my only family. You have got to understand, they are never here for me, ever. They don't know me and I just want them gone out of my life. They know nothing about who I am, what my interests are, where I have been, my friends, nothing. I am so frustrated because this is one area of my life I can't seem to close the chapter on. I am sad, angry, tired and I know this is shortening my health and heart life living like this. I was balling my eyes out all afternoon and by the time DH got home, I was having a panic attack so bad, I had to go out and sit on the cement step and just try to breathe. I then had a crushing migraine for the whole next day. I am not one to "go off" on people because I don't think that is the way to conduct one's self but I don't know what to do. If I tell them like it is, it just adds fuel to the fire. We were thinking of just giving them the house phone and DH intercepting the calls but I really just want to cut ties.
I am so sad...
Heather
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Edited by - catscharm74 on Jan 06 2008 4:48:54 PM |
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Tammy Claxton
True Blue Farmgirl
1559 Posts
Tammy
Glen Burnie
Maryland
USA
1559 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 2:46:40 PM
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Heather,
One question girlfriend, Are you happy when you're doing your thing with your family at home (ie: hubby and son)? If you answered yes, then don't worry about what everyone else thinks!! You are who you are. Your hubby and son love you for who you are and in my opinion, that is all that matters. Maybe your mom is jealous and she wishes she could live a life such as yours filled with travel and adventure.
I know that words can cut through a person like a knife...I have been there. I became a mom at 15 and I heard it all. Believe me when I tell you that you will overcome it and you will be a stronger and better woman for it. Make yourself a promise to ignore their crap talk and be happy with the ones that love you and think that you are great!! If you need to, change your number and make it unlisted. Tell them that you are tired of bending over backward and getting the raw end of the deal, period. Then cut ties if you must. Others may or may not agree with me here, but I had to reply to you. Concentrate on more important things - like the ones you love- and making them and yourself happy for the new year!! Good luck girlfriend and keep us posted. I hope I helped you some.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!
http://countryintheburbs.blogspot.com/ |
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bboopster
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Betty Jo
West Bend
Wisconsin
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 2:47:23 PM
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I'm sorry that you are being treated that way. Get Caller ID and do not answer their calls. Unfortunately we sometimes need to walk away. Keep them in your prayers and pray that YOU will find a way to deal with this not that others will change. I for a long time prayed that a family member would change and be more respectful to myself and my children. It was not until I changed my pray to how can I deal with this that I received an answer and that answer came quick. Family can be tough. On the up side it sounds like you are very well accomplished and successful. You have a DH that loves you and a son who love to spend time with you. Love yourself for who you know you are and not who others say you are. Hugs!!!!!
http://www.bboopster.blogspot.com
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
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FarmGirl~K
True Blue Farmgirl
512 Posts
Kelly
TX
USA
512 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 4:04:48 PM
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Heather,
I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. It's sometimes hard to believe that our families give us more trouble than strangers. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally and it seems your family doesn't seem to understand that.
I'm not a confrontational person either & like to keep the peace even if it means keeping quiet. One thing you might do is write your family a letter to get all of your feelings out just as you have written here. Sometimes it is easier to write what you are thinking & feeling than tell someone face to face or even over the phone. It allows you to gather your thoughts & get your point across without being interrupted.
Best case scenario, you family reads it & sees where you are coming from & accepts you as you are & sees you as the wonderful woman you have become, that loves & cherishes her family. Worst, they get angry & stay the way they have been... miserable with themselves, wanting everyone else to be miserable as well.
Don't let them continue to have this hold on your life. No one needs negativity all the time. Love your life & live it the way you desire. Like said earlier, pray for strength for yourself to accept this & that their heart will be changed to love you for who you are. Sometimes you just have to love them because of who they are to you, but not have a relationship.
"Work as if you were to live a hundred years, pray as if you were to die tomorrow." ~Benjamin Franklin~
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 4:48:02 PM
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Thank you all for your kind replies...
I have tried to find the solution and I have told them upfront, exactly as I have here, how I feel and why and they just blow me off or get all nervous and change the subject. I can't take them being mean and miserable anymore. Even if it is a 2 minute phone call, I get drained all day just hearing their voices. DH says he wants to have his say and he is really good with words and expressing the truth but I don't want them to start in on him. I truly just want to cut ties- I guess I just need to give myself permission because at the end of the day I am in control. It is just so hard. A major part of my strongest emotions are all tied to my family.
When I was home on leave one time, about 20 years old then, we had a huge family re-union. Someone asked my parents if we kids (3 of us) turned out how she thought we would. She was so proud of my brother- he makes a lot of money, prestige, success, etc. Sis- golden girl- always a good person, follows what she is told, successful, smart, beautiful (and yes, these were her words) me- well they only ever expected me to be a housewife. period. I ended up pretending I wanted to go swimming ( I was mortified and embarassed) and spent an hour in the pool crying, hiding it by going under water. I even cancelled my leave and left early. I know- I am an adult but how do I really close the book on all of this? I truly am asking for help. When I tell others about my family, they just tell me to love them and they don't get HOW HARD IT IS!!! I need to connect with someone who understands what exactly I am saying here and I can't seem to find anyone who understands. People just keep telling me to forgive and forget but that is not working and I am so tired....so tired....
I am very happy otherwise- often called TOO happy around others. I have a zest for life and having fun, always looking for the next fun thing to do. I am very adventerous and loving and silly as a goat!! I really don't care what others think of me but others have never been as mean or cruel to me as my whole family, so I don't have to think about it with others.
*SIGH* It makes my brain tired.....
Heather |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 5:01:04 PM
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I have to say I agree with what Tammy said Heather, although I totally understand that nothing is harder than cutting those ties when all you want is to be just accepted and loved by your own Mother. I know the emotional side only too well, and heard often how I had a personality like <excretement>, my taste was all in my mouth, etc, etc, ad nauseum. But I will tell you this...when I finally did become my own person and was more than willing to cut the ties if need be, the situation did turn around when it was realized that I was serious about cutting them.
I would print the letter you just wrote above and mail it to your mother. She may not even realize just how nasty she can be or how serious you are about cutting ties.
That said, those that hurt are hurting. Be yourself, you sound wonderful, your son and dh love you and just do what you gotta do.
Love and hugs to you,
Diane
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Edited by - DaisyFarm on Jan 06 2008 8:26:08 PM |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 5:22:42 PM
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Oh Heather, I am so sorry you are hurting like this.
I do not have a close relationship with my mother, and while I'm occasionally sad about it, I learned several years ago from a very wise person that sometimes you just need to set boundaries for yourself. I did that in terms of interactions (type and frequency) with my mother, and focused on all the good relationships in my life. It has made a world of difference in my peace of mind.
I hope that things work out the way they need to for you - your husband and son sound like wonderful people! 
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -- Frank Lloyd Wright |
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lmillward
True Blue Farmgirl
111 Posts
Lorie
Riverton
UT
USA
111 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 5:40:41 PM
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Heather-
I ahd to walk away from someone in my family a few years back. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It meant that that life-long relationship would be over. It was more upsetting and life changing than anything I had ever experienced to that point. But I finally realized that if this person was a friend treating me the way she was, I would have ended the relationship long before. It has been several years now and I have gotten stronger and learned to let go of other negative influences in my life. I still talk to her at family gatherings and such. At first I avoided them all together and then I realized I had given her power to influence my other family relationships. So I started going to family functions and giving her a wide berth so that she couldn't draw me into a conversation (because they were always excuses to point out why I was wrong).
I hope it helps you to know that others have gone through this too and understand your heartache and sadness over it. Let me know if I can help you in any way.
Long live the weeds and the wildflowers! ~John Muir |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 6:17:05 PM
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Oh Heather...first a big hug!!! My mother-in-law is toxic too, nothing pleases her and in her words I am the cause of everything wrong in her life. After years of this I just said "I quit" and stopped talking to her and so did my husband. What a sense of calm settled over us. The silence lasted almost 5 years and in that time she "got it". She was invited to our daughters wedding and we have slowly started letting her back in to our lives and she is a changed person. I do have my guard up however and at the first sign of her going back to her old ways it's over for good. Stay calm and remember that the love of your husband and son are most important. What a shame we can choose friends but have to have the family we are born into.
Hugs and love, Kathy |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 6:39:50 PM
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Heather
Another <<<bug hug>>>. I had to end the relationship with my parents a couple of years ago. It is not something I have been able to "get over" exactly. I have my bad days, but honestly, since I chose to end the relationship, my pesonal outlook has changed so much. There is much less contention, drama and overall "upsetness".
Some people would think I am horrible because I have no contact with my mom and she's got cancer and etc. --- well that's their opinion. Noone know but YOU what her influence is on your emotions. Just like no one but me understands why I cannot have contact with my parents. There has been too much damage done by my mom and I just can't have that kind of influence in my life for me or my children.
It can be really hard to cut those ties, but sometimes it is the healthiest thing to do. Just know there are those of us who can understand how hard some relationships can be. THe most important thing is you and your family. I will keep you on my "good thoughts" list!!!
Angie
Firefighter Stairclimb March 2nd- Help me help others by donating on my fundraising page. https://www.active.com/donate/17thscottstairclimb/angieriggsby |
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Georgia Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
212 Posts
Denise
Atlanta
GA
USA
212 Posts |
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 7:35:38 PM
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((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) and I have to say that Rob and I are going through this very thing with my family. It's hard, but you have to determine whether or not their opinions are going to determine how you live your life. If you are happy, content and your life is going in the direction that is pleasing to you, your husband and your son, then that is all that matters. Your husband and your son are the only people you are accountable to and it only matters if they and you are unhappy.
Huge hugs!
If you need to chit chat about it, send me an email and I'll give you my number and we can talk. Like I said, Rob and I are going through this very thing with my folks and brother right now. It's a tough thing...
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
Farmgirl Sister #88
Blogs: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com
http://womonandsprout.wordpress.com
http://youtube.com/profile?user=GaiasRose
Homepage:
http://ForestFaeries.etsy.com
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PlumCreekMama
True Blue Farmgirl
730 Posts
Heather
Iowa
USA
730 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2008 : 8:33:28 PM
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| Heather, I totally understand what you are going through. I have never done anything that's good enough for my mom, though she doesn't treat me as horribly as yours does to you. I had cut my sister out of my life many years ago because she a selfish person who cares only about herself and did horrible things to me. My mom does anything she can for her. I hadn't talked to my sister for many years, and only started talking to her at all because she had a baby and I want a relationship with my niece. I always play with my niece and get her presents for her birthday and Christmas, but my sister has never gotten anything for my sons. Never came to see them when they were born. Never called to say happy birthday. Nothing for Christmas, not even a thank you for the things I got for her daughter. She comes to their birthday parties for the free food and can't even bother with a card. I can't stand her and I feel sorry for my niece. It's not her fault she has two bums for parents. Honestly, if I was in your position, I would never talk to my family again. I once heard someone say, we chose our friends, not our family. You can't help who you were born to. They don't listen to you and won't change their minds about you. I don't think you have anything to feel badly about. You live your life the way that makes you happy, that makes your husband and son happy. They are your real family.Heather |
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AFMom
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Erica
North Dakota
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 03:20:39 AM
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Dear Heather,
Reading your note was like reading my own family story. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this with your Mom. I too have almost the same issues as you do and cannot do anything to make my Mother happy or proud of me. I do distance myself from her a lot. Some things I do that may help you maintain a balance in your life are first, I screen my telephone calls from her to me. If I am already stressed out about something I decide I just can't take a call from her and let her leave a message. I also limit the amount of time she spends with the children and I. She has no problem being biligerent with me in front of my children, so I limit how much time we spend together as a group. I do not take her out in public with my children, only with me, because she puts me down so much, it is embarrasing for me and for my children to hear it and know others hear it too. My Mother is also verbally abusive to my 8yr old. It is difficult to deal with on so many levels and I too experience the same physical ailments as you...I get the migranines, headaches, feel like I am going to be sick at times because the stress of the relationship is too much to bear. I have started defending myself and talking back and I am 35 yrs old....that is how long it took me. I feel guilty when I do it because she always taught me to respect my elders, but when she doesn't respect me, I do let her know that she is hurting me.
There are so many similiarities here between us, that I cannot begin to write down my years of pain. I just wanted you to know I care and understand. However you choose to deal with the situation always know your farmgirl friends will be here to support you. Keep your chin up, stay strong, and be the better person as you already are. Life is a mix of pain and joy, it is a shame though that our deepest pain is connected to those we love the most.
Farmgirl Hugs, Erica |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 05:22:31 AM
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My parents treat me about the same as yours treat you we don't talk much only when they call me.Which happens 1 or 2 times a year when they think I can help them, I blow them off now days.
But I did notice a few things that you said you said they are just people. But that isn't true is it. After reading the rest of what you wrote you are where I was 4 years ago. When I disliked my parents so much that I told people they are just people who I happen to be related to. If this was true they would not have an affect on you to the point you are crying, get headaches, panic attacks and you would not write out this long note for help. This is because being your parents you figure they should treat you better or something like that. You have given them graces they have not earned. I am not criticizing I have been there.
By the sounds of it you have two choices either care and deal with it or drop out of their lives as I did. I only have contact with my parents when I visit my grandmother or my step father goes to the hospital (that is when they call me as they want me to pay their bills or feel empathy for them). I don't do either any more.
I want a happy family with my husband and kids and they (my parents) just are not part of that picture. They have been told they can be around my family when I am in California visiting my Vova (grandmother) other wise leave us alone and I am not taking my children to their home and they are not to be alone with them either (my family has violent and other tendencies I do not want forced upon my kids). Long story short they only have contact I allow any thing else I cut short.
When they call about my step father in the hospital I usually say yes that is where your life has put you. Usually he is there for having stopped a dog fight with all the strays they bring home and has been attacked their choice not mine. The other thing he goes to the hospital for is an unhealthy heart that he has know about since I was 10 and does nothing to fix but get fatter and more unhealthy. I have no sympathy for anyone who wants attention by making them self ill and not healthy when they are capable of being healthy. So when they call I say hi ok thanks for the information and bye. I don't try to help (that sucks you back in and gives some control to them) or engage in conversation or an argument. If an argument is about to start on their side ( easy to see happening their voices start to raise up) I just say bye and than hang up. Toot sweet.
All this is to show what I do you can deal with this how ever you like. You can give them have control over you (which is your current state of affairs) or you can have control over you (you can give you and your family a happier life). The decision is yours not theirs.
That is the hurdle you have to over come yourself not them. They can have their tyraids and such but if they see it truly doesn't affect you those will go away as they are not getting the desired affect. This is not an over night thing usually. I struggled with it for 1 1/2 years when I finally realized this. Then one day I had a bad dream in which I saw that what my parents were doing was affecting my family and my children's future and the way my children would relate to me when they grew up. From that day forward they have had no effect on me nor will they ever. My family is to dear to let my old family have control over it. You have a hard road ahead of you and not easy choices good luck with it. If I can answer any questions let me know.
I wish you and your family the best this isn't healthy for you
take care thinking and praying for you
sunshine
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
my bloghttp://sunshinescreations.vintagethreads.com/
my web store http://vintagethreads.com/ |
Edited by - sunshine on Jan 07 2008 05:28:42 AM |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 07:22:38 AM
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Heather,
Tammy said it all for me, and the rest of the farmgirtls have some great advice too. I will just pray that you will have continued strength to live your happiest life regardless of your parent's discontent. It sounds like you have your priorities in order, you are raising your son in a loving and nurturing environment. Your individuality is a rare gift; a lot of us tend to lose that as we get bogged down in the so-called proper way of doing things. You go, girl!
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
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mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 08:06:19 AM
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Wow! I can't believe I'm reading my own story from all of you! I cut off my mother nearly 2 years ago-changed my phone numbers- everything! At first the guilt I felt was horrible! I even felt God hated me! that shows much manipulation and control she had!! But now after time and a little therapy I realize I was dealing with some very mentally ill people. I did the best thing for me in cutting them all off. I've cut that cycle of dysfunction and now started a new loving happy generation! Best of luck,love and hugs to all of you!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 08:13:08 AM
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From reading these posts, it's amazing to me how common this is with other families and not just your own. I can relate to everything that was written, just change the family members in my case. I'll admit that I'm no angel, and I've fed into the baloney and well as taking the baloney from other people. Family members,because of the history of growing up together, know just what buttons to push, however subtle, or overt. Even as an adult, it's easy to revert back into your childish ways, and in hindsight, how we all turn into 10 year olds. I'm speaking for my case only....not suggesting that others on this thread are being immature. It's is very hard to change, being that it is so hardwired and we all have different personalities. You REALLY have to make a very disciplined and conscience effort to bite your tongue and try to turn on a deaf ear to certain things. Not easy! In the end, you just have to do what is best for you in the long run.
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
Edited by - junkjunkie on Jan 07 2008 08:15:15 AM |
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MasterGardener
True Blue Farmgirl
572 Posts
Chandra
Louisiana
USA
572 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 09:32:35 AM
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Your story sounds so familiar, much like how I've felt, almost to a "T". I learned to see the patterns, learned they were unhealthy, basically TOXIC. (We need a "smiley" with scull and cross-bones to convey that sentiment.) So I responded accordingly & like any POISON...stayed away from it. Now, I can't explain how it's managed to turn around on their end, but after much soul-searching (for my own well-being & relationship with God,) getting a lot of the anger out by journaling & so on, I started to work on forgiveness. "I forgive _____ (fill in your own blank) because it frees me from the emotion, situation, hold this has on me," etc. It has made a huge difference in my life to approach it like that. The forgiveness is for your well-being, so you can move forward and leave the past in the past. Family dynamics are based on the roles that were established as children...we continue into adulthood unless we see it's unhealthy and desire to change the role we've played. Then, make a conscious decision to stop playing the role. Families don't like it...it's like the sky is falling or the plates have shifted and it causes what can sometimes feel disastrous...they'll do anything to try to pull you back into the role they've learned to control you in. It threatens their sense of equilibrium if you go off and get well, or whole or independant...they can't push the buttons and get the expected responses anymore, so they push more and more buttons. Then they figure out you're determined and won't back down. The result is usually respect & they have no choice but to accept you are YOU and not who they try to make you. Does this make sense??? It's like crabs...when they crawl into the trap, some smart crab figures out how to climb out, but all the other crabs are pulling on the smart crab, trying to pull it back into the trap with all the others. Decide what you need to be well and happy, do it, avoid the toxic stuff, work to forgive others for your own well being, then, they'll have to decide their own future, take responsibility for their own choices. It's tough, but it's better than toxic.
.• ´¨¨)) -:¦:-¸.•´ .•´¨¨))
((¸¸.•´ ..• -:¦:- -:¦:- Chandra
-:¦:- ((¸¸.•´Farmgirl Sister #64
She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
Proverbs 31:16 |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2894 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2894 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 09:39:24 AM
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Heather
You sound like my kind of gal!! If you are ever in OH, stop by & we'll watch some football(I am a HUGE Longhorns fan, & hubby likes Dallas..). Maybe my mom will adopt you.. She is 77 & watches all sports, & reads the sports page before anything else...
I would ignore your mom & if you have to talk to her, be polite, but don't argue.. In other words. SILENCE.
Hook Em' \___/ |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 09:53:09 AM
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Oh Thank you everyone!! I will post more later because it is deep cleaning day around here but I just wanted to say Thanks!!!
You ladies are truly a blessing to me!!
Lisa- Oh MY GOSH!!! I would love to stop by!! My 2 year old almost knows how to HOOK EM' HORNS!!! It is so cute!! DH is slowly trying to convert me over to be a Dallas fan!! I do love them cheerleaders though!! LOL
I will post my responses to all ya'll later. Thank you so much!!
Cheers,
Heather |
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nashbabe
True Blue Farmgirl
687 Posts
687 Posts |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 10:39:43 AM
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Heather, I am so sorry your family is like this. I have great parents that tend to be a tad on the controlling side. When they start to get that way, I take a breather from them.
But they have figured out to respect my space.
I wish you family would give you the respect you deserve.
If it were me, I wouldn't sever all ties, but I would definitely have minimal contact with them. As my Mom says about her crazy sister, she "isn't worth wasting brain cells over." Your family isn't worth the anxiety, hon.
Don't let them manipulate you. If you and your husband and son are happy with your life, who gives a rat's arse what they think. It is easy for me to say that from the outside, but I tend to be this way myself.
You provide your son with food, keep him warm and sheltered, provide an education, clothing and most of all, love. That is all that matters.
Besides, you have all us farmgirls to be your family.
*hug*
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 11:21:18 AM
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Well put, Chandra....so, so true!
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 2:05:15 PM
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Ok, I've got a minute or more to post...I have been deep cleaning the apartment today. I do it 2 times a year- January and June.
Thank you all so much for all the wonderful insight and hugs. It is really helpful just to get things off my mind. DH and I sat down and had a long talk about what WE want and how we are going to get there. We just decided to avoid my mother's calls as long as we can until she seems like it is urgent and just have DH call back and say we are super busy and we can't talk. I figure that buys us about 3 weeks at a time. We looked at what are dreams truly are and as mentioned, it is a little beach house in Texas, where I can still have a little garden and land to putter on, simple house with not much too it so we can spend time outdoors with our son and going to all the dives for great food and having monthly get togethers for our "family of friends" (and yes, you are ALL invited!!!) : )
DH reminded me of something I said to him when I first met him. That I wanted a simple life, I didn't want to be the typical "housewife" and I love adventure and being happy. He has noticed how unhappy I have become and that I have been ruthlessly cleaning and organizing (like daily for me, which is not normal, the above Jan-June thing is)and not doing the things I love, especially taking that time to take care of myself and I have become grouchy to be around. All of this I know and somehow, I am going to get myself back. It all starts with cleaning out the "stuf" around here. I am not a housekeeper and the less I have, the happier I am. Next, I have started walking again- long walks- in the cold, rain, sun, heat, whatever- I love them and they energize me and get my behind in shape.
I am also working on a yo-yo quilt made from my son's clothes I kept as he grows out of them. The tedious hand work and the love behind the pieces of fabric are so comforting to me.
There is another major thing that happened this past October that really hit me hard. My Aunt passed away suddenly. It was truly unexpected. Well, MOM forgot to tell me and I didn't find out until a phone conversation in which she mentioned my Uncle was sad about losing Aunt Emily...yep found out 2 MONTHS after it happened. Well, this was the first time in my adult life that I really mourned someone in my family passing away. She was always nice to me and she was always looking for the next party. She loved her lake cabin and she would stay there from first thaw to first snow. I spent many summers there- then it hit me that is where I get my love of the "beach" from- hot summer, swimming, eating bbq, wearing flip flops and messy, swimming hair, eating ice cream to cool off, sleeping under cotton sheets with a breeze blowing in the big, screened windows overlooking the lake, I remember how we loved to make Lipton Ice tea together. GOSH!! She really loved her life and lived every minute of it and she invited me into it. So, for her and myself, it is time to get to living and pursuing my dreams.
I must move on and I will and I thank you all for listening. Sometimes, a farmgirl just needs a kind ear and you have all provided me with that. I have the best little family a gal could wish for an I am so happy with them!! Time to find Heather again...that girl DH fell in love with and that woman I know I am...and miss!! : )
Cheers,
Heather |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 6:22:54 PM
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Heather,
I am glad to hear that you and your husband had such a good talk. To me it sounds like you know exactly what you want your life to be. Honey, there are some people in this world you will never please,some who will never approve of the way you want to live your life,some who will hurt you every chance they get. No matter who they are, for your own sanity and self preservation and true happiness you have to walk away from them and never look back. They are toxic, in the sense they eat away at your spirit,your sense of identity, your self confidence. A wonderful Dr. once told me if someone or something causes you to become stressed and unhappy stay away from it or them no matter what.I was also told just because people are your family and you love them, doesn't make them or what they do or say right. You are a beautiful unique spirit, free and adventuresome and loving. Guess what, that is who God made you to be. You do your yourself and your husband and son the honor of being who you are and living as you wish. You only get one life and it is yours to live no one elses. Do not waste any of your precious life on trying to please the unpleaseable, this is their problem, not yours. Don't let what they think and say ruin your life. Some may think what I have said is harsh,but I have lived some very bad situations and learned a lot, sometimes there is no other way but to cut loose and be free and follow your heart..
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Family Matters: Major Fallout with my family.... |
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Major Fallout with my family....
