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Across the Fence:  Frustrated with Hubby!  |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 5:33:43 PM
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I don't usually talk negatively about my hubby to people, but today I'm so frustrated I can't hold it in!
Hubby has been home for 3 weeks now (he travels A LOT for his job, so this is rare). Most of the day he sits in front of the TV, laptop on his lap, watching DVD's and surfing the Net while I am at work. He hasn't done a bit of housework or even cleaned up after himself. When I get home from work, there's a mess to clean up, dinner to cook, then dishes to do and put away, plus laundry and my regular chores. I've been accepting it without comment, reminding myself that I need to enjoy this time he is home because I miss him terribly when he is on the road, but then something happened that made me bubble over!
On New Year's Eve and through New Year's Day, we got a foot of snow here - about 8 inches during the night, then a break, and then about 4 more inches. During the break Hubby did go out and snowblow the driveway and the sidewalk, but he never went out again. When I left for work yesterday he still hadn't finished the job, but I assumed he would do it while I was gone. I was wrong! When I got home from work, he was still wrapped up in an afghan, watching television. I was hopping mad but didn't want to start a fight, so I changed into my work clothes and did it all myself. Then, when I'm putting the snowblower away, I see him standing in the doorway, and he asks, "Are you done trying to make me feel guilty?" Then today I asked him if he would please do the laundry while I was at work. When I got home, he had done it, all right...half hanging sloppily on hangers strung on the back of the door in the kitchen, and the other half damp and twisted in a laundry basket. Instead of enjoying my evening, I had to fold, iron, and carry upstairs all of the clothes he had washed and not bothered to put away properly! |
Edited by - JessieMae on Jan 04 2008 07:53:20 AM |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 7:00:16 PM
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every thing will be alright, its just time for some serious talk if that doesnt work use the snow shovel on his back side
I am a farm girl married to a sewing machine
http://misswilma.blogspot.com/ |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 7:22:32 PM
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My husaband used to be horrible about chores and sharing responsiblities. For example, after we had our daughter (two years into our marriage) he had taken a week off from work to bond with her and help me out. When I didn't feel up to cooking he said "Don't worry about it, I'll make my own." Which I thought was sweet, until I realized that he just made HIS own. He didn't make me any food while I sat there on the couch nursing his daughter. Then he washed his work clothes, but threw all my clean clothes out of the dryer onto a heap on the floor. I am surprised I didn't kill him with all those new hormones raging through my body!!
Talk to him. Tell him the whole problem and what bugs you. Don't expect him to do everything at once though...give him a specific job and tell him how you like it to be done. He will get better about things but it may take awhile.
-Elizabeth |
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Shirlaroo
True Blue Farmgirl
297 Posts
Shirley
Australia
297 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 7:25:38 PM
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Oh Jessie, I have had this same argument with my hubby over and over again. Why do men seem oblivious to the house work we are doing aroud them? After 11 years of marrige I still can't figure out whether it is a delibeate act or they really just don't notice!
Friends are the best collectables. |
Edited by - Shirlaroo on Jan 03 2008 7:29:19 PM |
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old gray mare
Farmgirl in Training
10 Posts
Kathy
Ignacio
CO
USA
10 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 8:46:01 PM
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Hi JessieMae,speaking as an old married woman, maybe you should present it to him as to having some pride in his homeplace, and how you are a team and could work together for the good of each other and the family...might work, you never know....good luck and I think Miss Wilma's idea about the backside was a great one..sometimes you just have to be firm and lay down the law...
"Love's secret is to be always doing things for God, and not to mind because they are such very little ones." |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 06:00:10 AM
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Jessie, you poor thing! Sounds like we all have been there, are there or continue to be there! I know when the first year my husband and I were married, he didn't help out very much around the house, and he showed his chauvinist side one day when he didn't have any work shirts (at the time, we didn't have laundry facilities at home and I made the weekly trek to the laundry mat to sit all day and do our clothes--and spend $30.00), but he NEVER offered to do that...so one bright Saturday morning, he threw this temper tantrum about how he didn't have any work shirts, and what did I do all day (besided work full time????), and it sure seemed like I was just skating by, sitting around eating bon-bons. I should mention that also at this time I worked a part-time job 4 nights a week. He worked in the evenings 3-4 nights a week, and had all day to do nothing......SO. I took his tirade standing up and when he stormed out of the house to run off to wherever it is men run off to when they're feeling sorry for themselves, I took all the clothes that were his, and put them in a pile in the back yard (which had been trampled muddy by the dogs) and I let the dogs run out over them, and the dogs and I jumped on them and ground them into the dirt like we were making wine. I don't think I've ever felt so liberated...and then I left them there in the yard. I felt a tiny bit guilty, but when he came home and saw what I'd done, I got the biggest apology EVER for his behavior and what he'd said, and that Sunday, he spent the day at the laundry mat, without argument 
Now, I don't recommend that because it could backfire I suppose--I really wasn't planning on doing that--I didn't think at all about it. I do know that my man was frightened of what ELSE I could do (as well he should have been!!!), and now he tells that story to his buddies who are getting married, or have moved in with their girls--always with a chuckle (and a warning).
Tell him what you need. And as LAME as this is, don't forget to compliment him when he does something, even when it's a half a**ed job or not the way you'd do it yourself. I've found that when my husband says, "what can I do for you?" I take him up on it...Don't EVER say, "Oh....nothing" and then fume about what they aren't doing. Slap a broom in his hand, or hand him the baby, or whatever. Additionally, they just aren't mind readers like we are , so make sure you don't expect him to just "get it"....Some men are great like that, but they are the exception, and those women who have them hold onto em like crazy!!!!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 07:23:08 AM
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Oh sista i feel your pain!!!!! My husband is a school teacher with summers off and lots of days off and 4 weeks at Christmas!!! I worked nearly 50 hours a week during the holidays and guess who did dinner,laundry Christmas etc?????I was feeling a bit (?)resentful..... He did help a little and I really praised him for it! Men are like dogs and small children I think!
He drives my married son crazy! My son is soooo good to his wife! Probably for that reason! Anyways he's been a bit better lately-but I think my kids may have said something to him!!!!Hugs!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 07:31:45 AM
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I have "been there" too. What I have found with men is that they just need to be told in simple terms..straight out how you feel or they sure don't get it. Hinting for help NEVER works with my husband, I have to ask..which is so hard for me to do. I want him to notice and offer to help. Won't happen. And boy is Mima right...I have to lay on the praise when he does do something for "me". Men..can't live with them, can't kill them.
Hang in there sister!!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 08:46:59 AM
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This is long winded but bare with me-
I agree- Tell them what they need to do and yes, you must praise them like they won the Olympics or something each time. I used to feel guilty asking DH to do things but I just burned myself out. Now, I tell him he needs to get up with DS on Saturday morning so I can sleep in. He only has to get his breakfast, change him, dress him and watch him. Usually, when I get up, he is just sitting there in the recliner watching TV, so my guilt for getting him up went out the window.
With me working, a toddler and school to attend to, I made up a chore list and I stick to it vehemently. If, for instance, it is his turn to do laundry and he "forgets" even after I remind him, I wash my things and DS's stuff and leave his. Then when it is my turn, I still only do what has been added to the pile, not what was laying there. I know it sounds so mean but you have to understand, after DS was born, DH didn't lift a finger to do a thing nor help me with the baby. I was ALL alone, no family, no friends, 24/7 with a baby screaming from GERD. There were days I went without eating because I had to take care of the little one all the time and I would get a shower only when DH was home. (IF he had duty, I was screwed for like 3 days without a shower) So I downright refuse to continue to feed that behavior. He huffs and puffs, but I really don't care. I just recall going the first 10 months of my son's life with 3-4 hours of sleep a day. I deserve the help and he will not become lazy on me.
I also look at my Mom who caters to my Dads every need. They have been retired 10 years, but she still busts her butt each day and he sits around doing nothing. I am NOT going to end up like that. I actually saw him wear the same clothes for a week because he refused to do laundry while my Mom was gone for 4 days. HUH??? I don't get that nor will I allow that to happen. I plan on travelling and I want to seriously downsize once DS is grown and on his own. I also refuse to give up on what I like to do until Charlie is grown. I don't think it is fair that Mom's get the bad end of the deal sometimes, because we (as in partners who agreed) have children but Mom's get the children once they are born, for the most part.
I also want to set the example for DS that he can be independent and not to take advantage of someone. He can learn to help out more than once in awhile. I think it is poor habits and manners to be lazy.
Another thing I did last year, and since then, because we moved so much, was we sold off a large part of our stuff. Right now, we live very "gypsy" lives and if I had to pack those darn books and stuff we don't use ONE MORE TIME... I was going to kill someone. After moving 4 times in one year, you have to understand my frustration. I sold all of his books except 3 he really loves and his college books he uses for reference (and they had to pass the reference test to be kept, not just taking up space) I downsized all his "tools" and things in the garage because the truth is he doesn't use them. We offloaded large amounts of furniture (again, I am no longer cleaning nor dusting what we don't use) and probably about 40 boxes of this and that's. I like living this way- simple, clean, I know what I have and I don't have to spend hours cleaning just to upkeep it.
Our eventual goal is to find a small beach house and spend a lot of time travelling and outdoors. So our house functions for what we need- privacy, rest, food, showers, small amount of storage (off season items mostly) and entertaining (very casual). Having a big talk with DH about 4 months ago really helped. We are focuse on where we need to be, where we are going and how we each fit into this equation. I sometimes have to "walk" him through how to do laundry or where the dishes go, but he is getting better. Simplifying our lives is helping.
My point is- lay it out on the table, with clear terms and then stick by it.
I wish you the best.
Cheers,
Heather
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 11:08:37 AM
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When my dh and I married 18 years ago, I made it clear that as far as chores go, the only thing I expected was that if he was home before me or didn't work that day that he was to make dinner or at least get it started (I'd rather scrub the whole bathroom with a toothbrush than cook). I love to bake; you mix it up shove it in the oven til the timer goes off. I can go do other things while cookies, breads, pies, etc bake. I'm not tied to the stove stirring to prevent burning. I simply hate being tied to one spot!
I didn't really care about the rest of the chores. I had been doing them all before him anyway and felt I had to continue to do so in order to hold on to my independence and sense of self sufficiency. This has worked out very well for me. I maintain strong muscles and better health by mowing the grass, digging my own garden beds, splitting and stacking firewood, shoveling snow, etc. DH works in construction and through the good weather months, I do most if not all the cooking as he usually works until they can't see anymore. With such long hours, I couldn't possibly ask him to do things around the house during the week (he can barely stay awake long enough to finish dinner!). But if they get rained out, snowed out or some other delay shuts them down; he does the cooking. So he actually cooks about a third of the year and man can he come up with some great tasting dinners!
However, in the past couple of years, I have been asking him to do anything that requires getting high up on a ladder. I can't seem to stop shaking when I'm up high any more and feel like I'm losing my balance. He's fine with that. He never liked me being up on a ladder anyway.
Over the years he has done many other chores without me asking and yes, like most men, he expects praise. At times, it seems really silly to praise them for something you think they should have done anyway or is something really easy. But it seems to be very important to them to be noticed for their deeds. And like a pet or small child, most men seem to thrive on that praise and it seems to encourage them to do more. Whenever he does something not quite to my satisfaction, I just re-do it or fix it without his knowledge. If he knew he didn't do it good enough for me, it would seriously hurt his feelings and he would not even try to do it again.
That's another thing - men, despite their tough exterior, seem to be far more sensitive than we. They don't cry like we do when we're hurt, they either pout, stomp off or yell. They seem angry but they're really hurt - that's just how they handle it.
It takes quite some time to get them figured out as I'm sure they also say that about us. But if you're willing to work through the differences over the years (be blunt but tactful - like the other ladies said beating around the bush is worthless) and once you've got the basics, you'll feel much better. Communication is key.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog: http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My Website:
http://www.freewebs.com/lisamariesbasketry/index.htm |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 12:59:15 PM
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OK I am really lucky. My hubby picks up after himself, rinses & puts dishes in dishwasher, hangs his towels, puts laundry away & dirty laundry in basket, & when I get home from the grocery he immediately opens the door to see if I need help. He also takes care of the yard(not gardening, that is my job) & other mechanical things, feeds the dogs, works full time & works out 2 hrs a day.
Now we don't have kids & didn't marry till 38(1st for each of us, & no kids on either side), so that may be a factor.
Don't tell him I'm bragging; I don't want his head to swell. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 1:04:06 PM
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See, you're one of those women who has one of THOSE men--I bet ya hold onto him pretty tightly!!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 5:22:49 PM
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I guess I am one of the lucky women my hubby isnt perfect but he is a wonderful man, He is there for me any time I need him, Will drop what hes doing to go with me or help me, he cooks breakfast every morning makes his own biscuits but now he dont do dishes , I have had him for almost 46 years and wouldnt trade him for the world. Now I know life with me hasnt been easy because living with a junk lady cant be easy, Hang in there girls Miss WILMA
I am a farm girl married to a sewing machine
http://misswilma.blogspot.com/ |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
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farmgirl blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
777 Posts
Lea
TN
777 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 8:59:00 PM
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Oh I know how frustrating that can be! For the first years of my marriage, I cried and fussed. I needed help. It was only fair! I still believe that but decided if I was going to be happy, I had to just let it go. It's been almost 20 years. I have a great guy who still doesn't know how to turn on the washing machine. Pathetic really, but all the fussing in the world is not going to change him. So I just embrace the good ~ I don't have to lift a finger outside if I don't want to. I don't pump my own gas. I don't haul off the garbage or chop the wood.
So when I asked him to put the laundry in the dryer this week while I was sick in bed and he asked, "Do I use the polyester setting?" I just laughed, rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the laundry room and did it myself.
I hope that you come to a resolution that makes you happy. My answer is not "The" answer, just what was good for me. Of course, I may take Wilma's advice and use a shovel on his back side once in a while. I kind of like the thought of that!
Blessings, Lea
www.farmhouseblessings.blogspot.com
www.farmhouseblessings.etsy.com
www
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliot |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2008 : 10:05:25 AM
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Lea that is so funny I will have to admit I am far from perfect also, one time he got so mad at me I honestly think he would have loved to hit me he didnt I guess he knew he would have a wild cat to tangle withI am so thankful of what a good life we have had Weve never been wealthy money wise but in our lives we have been rich
I am a farm girl married to a sewing machine
http://misswilma.blogspot.com/ |
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Across the Fence: Frustrated with Hubby! |
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Frustrated with Hubby!
