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Family Matters:  Multiple sets of Grands-one is a "hoarder"...  |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 12 2007 : 06:50:42 AM
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As we are nearing the holidays, I've been made aware that we are having Thanksgiving this year at (one) of my MIL's, so as to exclude the paternal grandmother and grandfather, mostly just "HER"--typically, we have Thanksgiving (and Easter) at my sil's, and all three sets of grandparents (and often great) are included. I always find it to be fun, but fairly tense because.....
The last 2 years of holidays (and apparently other times when we're not around), I have noticed and also been told that the paternal grandmother has a tendency to monopolize our niece (but not the baby, our nephew,) often taking her upstairs to her room to read to her privately, or just constantly in her face, playing, etc, and will actually call her away from talking with other people in the room, or take her out of someone's arms...now, our niece completely enjoys this (who wouldn't LOVE to be constantly entertained??), but it causes great tension within the family (especially with the 2 maternal grandmothers--one "step" and the other are best friends). After the PGM leaves (and they always leave early without helping to clean up or what have you), our niece has a COMPLETE meltdown, and it takes forever to calm her, and everyone feels like "chopped liver" I guess. Her son, I think is embarrassed by her behavior, and his wont is to "leave it alone" and not say anything, which puts my SIL in a bind because she has TWO sets of parents to please, and feels put on the spot...It goes a bit deeper than just the physical monopolization of our niece--PGM also makes things for her AFTER my MIL does, or constantly sends/brings things, and the birthday gifts are excessive and it just seems like a competition, but I just don't know "why"...These are adults, and isn't there enough love to go around?
I don't know, I feel like this: our niece is going to be 3. This has been going on for 3 years, so why hasn't anyone said anything to monopolizing grandma (including her husband???)...I mean, I realize it's a sensitive situation, but surely it would be better than having things go on behind her back, or excluding her.
Everyone is different, but the relationship between our niece and her maternal grandmothers is "distant", even though they spend a great deal of time with her. She always wants to know when the "other gma" is coming? And, to that end, one of the maternal gm's has distinct boundaries, and has rules for our niece--that's NOT a bad thing, ya know? So, it's natural that she's made out to be the "unfun" grandmother, but I think it's on purpose?
I'm certainly not going to get involved, just curious if anyone else has had experience with possessive grandparents? To me, it's a really strange pheonomena.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2007 : 8:39:18 PM
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Jonni,
My ex-MIL #2 told us she would not spend her precious time babysitting. I was young and ornery and told her we would only ever ask her as a last resort. Ironically, her nose would get out of joint when she would get wind of my Mom babysitting for us-even if it was while we were just grocery shopping or the like. I do have to say while she wasn't the best Grandma in the world, she was wonderful to my son who wasn't my ex-husband's child. He was from a prior marriage. And when she was in the mood to be the Grandma, she was good to my daughter too. Does that make sense?
Sadly this MIL passed away a few years ago, so she missed out on what a wonderful young lady my daughter is.
On that note, my Mom is a wonderful Grandma, but she doesn't share my kids very well. Her sister adores both kids. At least she used to when they were younger and Mom gets in a snit when she hears Aunty's been over for a sleepover/visit.
I know with my Mom, I had to get b*tchy with her and tell her to back down a bit. My Dad, mercifully, agreed and backed me up. She has since done so, and life is wonderful.
Aunty had started to favor my daughter about four years ago. She would lavish gifts on her for her birthday and Christmas, and either skip my son, or give him a check for a nominal amount-like ten bucks when cleary she spent way more than that on my daughter. Kids notice that. He would be most upset about it. Now he won't give her the time of day.
I finally told her she couldn't bring any gifts for my daughter unless she had an equal amount for my son too. (Geez she had two kids too, you think she'd know better-duhhhhhh!) She got a little huffy with me, so I gave her the no gift option. The next Christmas she was a tad better, but I still ended up buying a couple of small things for my son to open so he didn't feel bad.
I am on her poop list right now, so the spending time and gifts aren't an issue right now. LOL
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Nov 15 2007 9:38:30 PM |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 07:58:58 AM
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My MIL used to be very biased toward our oldest daughter. She would send things home for her and send nothing for our youngest
daughter. I tried a few well placed hints at first, but finally I just came out and told her if she couldn't send for both don't send anything. She got huffy and said Karin our youngest had to learn she couldn't have something every time her sister did. I told her No, she doesn't not at 2 or 3. I stuck to my guns and she got a lot better, but always favored our oldest. My Mom was very bend over backwards to be equal. Karin died in an accident just before she was 16. I always wondered if my MIL ever regretted not taking the time to be closer to Karin.Karin was super close to my Mom so I don't think she really noticed or cared much when she got older.I wonder why or how people can favor one child so much over another, I sure can't.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 08:50:57 AM
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Grace has three grandmas and only one of them is possessive to the point of frightening. Two years ago she hid Grace from me during a custody dispute and I had to call the police! Its really very very strange.
As for the other two gmas, one is my mom and the other is Rob's mom, so she is a step gma. my mom's world revolves around my brother's children, and mine are just secondary. his mom adores and dotes on Zoe, but not on Grace. Rob has already told them, you do for one you do for both because they are both MY (his) daughters. She *says* she has two grandchildren, but then will have her Freudian slip moments when she only recognizes Zoe as her granddaughter. It's really strange. I know what you are talking about because we get it in one fashion or another on three different fronts!
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
Blogs: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com
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Homepage:
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 05:50:18 AM
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As you know from my posts, I have a heckuva time with family too. I don't 'get it' somehow. As a gma, I don't pick one child over the other. I buy presents for everyone in the same price range and that's that. I have taken one of my daughter's friend's little girls as mine cuz they don't have anyone else and I'm happy to take up the slack. However, I'm leery of my hubby's grandchildren cuz of their mothers, his daughters. I have seen his daughters come unglued at close family members cuz of some minor infraction and I'm truly afraid if I were around and something happened to one of his grandkids, I'd be in jail or something. His daughters scare the bejeezus out of me. I told hubby's mother why I don't want to be around as it seems I've offended them in this but truly, you have to see how this family's dynamics work to understand the fear I have of them in this day and age. One daughter did sort of explain why she was this way but I'm still leery of her.
My gut feeling is everyone knock it off and get over yourselves but that's not the way the world works today...so we all just muddle along!! Family is something else, isn't it??
Winona ;-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 9:36:55 PM
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Oh Winona, that is sweet/cool of you to be the Grandma to another child.
My parents do that with my Son's Dad (my first ex-husband) and his wife and their kids. Did that make sense?
Her parents are in another state across the country, her Mom has MS really bad so traveling is out. And his Mom has no interest in their kids.
My Mom and Dad are tickled pink to have more "grandkids" because that ship sailed for me, and my brother is not in any particular hurry.
I get into it too. The little two call me Aunty Kate. I treasure them too. Their oldest is a younger blonde carbon copy of my son, so of course he is very shy and dies of mortification if I say more than hi to him. My ex's current wife and I are best friends. It wasn't always teh case, but there is also a lot of water under the bridge and I am glad it is so.
My son of course thinks it is great that his Mom, Dad and Stepmom get along so great too.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Family Matters: Multiple sets of Grands-one is a "hoarder"... |
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Multiple sets of Grands-one is a "hoarder"...
