| Author |
Family Matters:  VERY Nosy Daughter  |
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 9:11:37 PM
|
Help! Have any of you ladies gone through this?
My eleven year old is sooooooooooooo nosy. Everything I have tried to correct her has not worked. I have explained to her that some things are just none of her business, ignored her questions, put her in her room, yelled at her, asked her nicely to mind her own business, peppered her with questions-dose of her own medicine type of thing, tried to josh with her a bit.
I have tried everything I can think of short of taking off my belt. I hate the idea of resorting to that because I wasn't raised that way. She is always pushing the limit to my temper, to test me. I am frazzled and relieved she isn't a twin.
Lately I have resorted to calling her Dan (her dad's name) as this is a gene she has apparently inherited from him.
She hates it, and I explained to her why I am doing it, but the nosy questions still persist.
I can't have a phone conversation without her asking me a thousand questions about who and what I was talking about and why. She reads over my shoulder when I am on the internet, so I use the internet late at night now. She looks through my mail too. When the phone rings, she waits for the caller id to pop on to see if I should answer it or not.
For example, last night, she checked the caller id and saw that ARC called me. She asked why would they call, I did tell her that probably they were seeing if I had anything to donate. But she acted as if she was part of the Spanish Inquisition and I commited a deadly sin or something.
She also eavesdrops on conversations with other adults. The list goes on.
I have even locked myself in the bathroom to avoid her when I am on the phone (which is rarely that I talk on the phone), but it gets too warm in there after a while and I have to eventually get out of there. But it is the only room with a lock on the door.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I am running out of patience.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Nov 06 2007 9:12:13 PM |
|
|
DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 12:15:57 AM
|
I'm just heading to bed here, but this post kept running through my mind and I had to come back and read it one more time. I'm going out on a limb here and I just KNOW I'm going to wish I'd just kept my yap shut!
So you asked for suggestions Kate and that is the ONLY reason I'm going to give you mine...<gulp>...here goes...spend more time with your daughter. It sounds to me like she's craving your attention and desperately trying to be a part of your life. Please don't continually shut her out...and while I'm sure you are just kidding, throw the belt in the fireplace.
Now I will back track here and say that you certainly do deserve to have private telephone conversations and she definitely must learn manners regarding such things. But do take the time to answer her questions and talk with her. She will only be eleven once...cherish this time and be thankful that she does want to talk to you. Keep those lines of communication wide open now and you will be happy you did when she's 15.
Sorry this isn't probably what you want to hear and having raised three girls I do well know how exasperating they can be at times...but they are so worth it. Read your tag line by MaryJo Copeland.
Blessings and love to you and your daughter,
Diane
|
 |
|
|
emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 07:40:54 AM
|
I agree with Diane about giving her attention and answering appropriate questions when she can learn something from it.
But would also say it is important to set boundaries. DOn't try to fix everything at once, but choose one area and work on it. Let's say the phone conversation interrogation....
Sometimes a pat answer is quite effective. It takes the emotions out of it and gives you an easy way to stop the behavior. "Kid, I love you, but it's none of your business" then she will probably ask again or in a different way and state again "Nice try, nevertheless, I love you, but it's none of your business."
Whenever she asks an inappropriate question, that is the only answer she gets. Maybe even add a hug before the comment? Or even a "come hug your momma" and just don't answer her at all. Whatever tactic you choose, just stick with it.
Then follow up the correction with lots of love and attention focused on something else. The key is to really stop your emotional investment in the situation. It is simply a learning experience for her and when mom gets wrapped up in the emotions of it all, it really does feed into the bad behavior of the child. Calling her names, becoming emotionally frazzled, etc... are only going to make things worse.
Hope that helps a little. Sometimes kids can be quite exasperating!
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! |
|
|
|
shawna
True Blue Farmgirl
241 Posts
missouri (north)
241 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 08:30:05 AM
|
wow! tring to figure out what is best to say. ok- i would say that it sounds like a growing stage. maybe she is wanting to be part of your grown-up world. she is old enough to be interested in your actions and just remember her little brain is making mental notes like crazy right now! you are her mom and maybe she is just wanting to be like you. might sound crazy, but it sounds sort of like my 3 1/2 year old following around my 7 1/2 year old. i try to explain to her that she is observing EVERYTHING she does, so to be very careful how she acts and what she says! she follows her because she loves her, and to tell the young that they are driving us crazy, or in the way is very hurtful. (wow, we could learn a lot by doing what we tell our kids!) anyway i do understand what it feels like to not "be alone" in conversation. help her to learn how this could cause problems, trust and misunderstandings. also sometimes i ask my husband questions because i want him to return em back to me. go ahead and ask her about her but do it in a mannerly fashion, let her know that you enjoy visiting with her. well i hope some of this makes sence. remember soon you will be wanting to "pry" in her life and she will respond to you the way you respond to her now.
xoxo s.r. |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 09:14:35 AM
|
I'm not sure what her issues are, could be that she wants attention (of some sort) but, I do remember that while I wasn't a nosy child per se, I did ask a lot of questions, and, being the only child, spent a great deal of time with my mom and dad in varying situations--when the electric bill came, when dad's sister called to ask him to hide this "hot" car and ship it to her at later time (and oh, could she borrow the $$$$), etc...
Each time I inquired, I was told simply, "Jon, that's none of your business", or "you know, that's really impolite of you to ask." And I got it--don't ask about stuff you don't need to know. Of course, it was a different era, when kids were "seen and not heard", but I was given a lot of leeway, and like someone else mentioned here, you're the parent, and there should be boundaries.
I wonder if she's "snooping" too? I recall going through that phase, trying to find out the "secrets" that my mom and dad kept from me. I'll never forget finding her bc pills in a VERY well hidden bag under the bathroom counter. I didn't speak to her for 3 days because I just KNEW she was denying me a little brother or sister and I thought that incredibly selfish!!!! Needless to say, she wasn't very sympathetic when I conveyed to her my frustrations--in fact, I was grounded for snooping. Taught me a great lesson about privacy!!!!
What's sortof bothersome to me is that you've changed your habits to adjust to her issues (computering at night when she's asleep), when in fact, it should be just the opposite. Get her into some sort of activity so she's not always around the house. Everyone needs their own space!!!!!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
JudyBlueEyes
True Blue Farmgirl
657 Posts
Judith
Spokane
Washington
USA
657 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 12:36:26 PM
|
I like Angie's idea of the "standard answer." this got me to thinking, and as a child, I asked lots of questions and my mother DID have a pat answer. It was "z" - usually when I asked the questions "why?" Took me until I was 26 years old to figure out "z" is the next letter in the alphabet after "y." And all this time I had thought it was some sort of secret adult code language. Good luck with that. Fortunately, or not, as some have noted, it will be all too soon when likely she won't care a fig for what you're doing :-{
We come from the earth, we go back to the earth, and in between, we garden! |
|
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 2:47:07 PM
|
Thanks ladies, I knew I could count on you for advice.
Actually, I do spend a lot of time with both kids. I rarely go out without them, and phone calls are usually few and far between. It would be nice to handle the few I do get alone without a four and half foot tall "shadow."
And yes the belt was a joke, I couldn't bring myself to use it if I wanted to.
I did change to using the computer after she went to bed at her request.
And yes some of the nosy-ness goes down to attention, but there is only one of me, and I can only do so much in that department. Dad hardly spends any time at all with her-his loss if you ask me. BUT that is for another day.
On the other hand, my parents are very proactively involved and make up for some of that slack.
She has been an attention seeking child since day one. I am suprised I haven't found "LOOK AT ME! WATCH ME!" tattooed on her forehead somewhere. Sometimes it is a blessing, somtimes a curse.
I will try the "I love you honey, but that is none of your business." and see how that works.
Still open to other suggestions too.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
|
|
|
Kathie
True Blue Farmgirl
2436 Posts
Kathie
Thonotosassa
Florida
USA
2436 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 3:11:29 PM
|
ok.. heres my 2 cents.. so we all know what THATS worth..
Having raised my OWN kids..
and SEVERAL others in & out at various stages..
Having 26 neices & nephews.. not even COUNTING GREAT neices & nephews
Being the oldest sister.. to 4 YOUNGER Sisters.. Pretty big age difference.. Having 5 brothers.. Only one of which is OLDER then I am..
Loads of Aunts..
My oppinion is just so simple..
It's just her age..
She's naturally going to want to be part of everything that going on with you.. She's growing up.. she wants to be included in whats happening.. as an adult.. so the fastest way to that is being in the know.. Yes.. it's SO normal to be Nosy at that age!
they want to hear 7 know it all.. EVEN if they just don't have a clue really WHAT your talking about.. they Want to be included in it all..
& will take it as a personal insult when you tell her to butt out.. Which i'm sure you've already seen..
Doesn't have to mean that she's missing something.. or that she's lacking attention or anthing like that.. she's just growing into herself.. & trying to become involved in adult conversations because in HER mind.. She probably thinks She's already there..!
So she see's nothing at all wrong with being in the loop !
Just my experience.. especially with girls!!
I know when i was her age..i LOVED to sit in the kitchen on the counter
& just listen to my mom & all of her sisters & my grandmothers sit & talk.. & if they ran me out of the room.. I felt so cheated & hurt!
Especially if my ONE girl cousin was allowed to stay! She was older then me.. & I felt that she ALWAYS got to do more adult things then I did.. & it just irked me to no end! She'd flaunt it too!
So when i was allowed to sit & stay.. I was in my glory!!
so.. there..
My 2 cents..
In a World Where you Can Be Anything, Be Yourself.. |
|
|
|
a rose
True Blue Farmgirl
443 Posts
Linda
Waterford
NY
USA
443 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 3:44:26 PM
|
Very good suggestions. I'd like to add. Have patience with this young lady.Make her feel she is good person. Soon she will be a full fledged teenager and so many teenagers get on the wrong track because they think that they have no worth, no sense, and aren't lovable. Please just be patient with her. She is starting the journey of raging and confusing hormones and you gotta be there for her.
Remember me as a rose. |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 5:58:16 PM
|
I work with 11 year olds on a daily basis and I agree that this is normal behavior. These kids are the most inquisitive of all the kids I work with (except for the kindergarteners) and are always asking "PERSONAL" questions. I answer the ones I feel comfortable with but will politely deny the ones I don't. I tend to find that the "nosey" kids are often the ones that exhibit lots of creativity and intelligence. Maybe she needs to get involved in some type of extracurricular activity or hobby that is all hers. This will give her an outlet for all that energy and something to focus her curiosity into. Maybe give her some more responsibility around the house. It sounds like she is "growing up" and is just become super aware of the world around her. Things that seemed everyday before suddenly seem new and interesting. She is probably getting to the age where she herself is talking on the phone more. Listening in on your conversations or asking a lot of questions may just be her way of discovering HOW to talk on the phone. It sounds like she enjoys you and looks up to you so she may be asking al these questions so she can mimic the behavior. I would have to agree with those who said she will only be 11 once and you really need to enjoy it cause believe me in two years when she turns 13 I have a feeling you will look back and think "Wow it was nice when she only bugged me about who I was on the phone with and what I was talking about"!!! :)
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
BLOG
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com |
|
|
|
therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 8:40:19 PM
|
This is totally normal for an 11 year old. I went through the same thing with my daughter at that age. Everytime I got on the phone she had a million questions. It about drove me crazy. Trust me it will pass. In fact, mine is 13 now and I can hardly get her to spend time with me!
Visit my Etsy Shop! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
shawna
True Blue Farmgirl
241 Posts
missouri (north)
241 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 9:37:50 PM
|
that's sad, thinking about my oldest not being beside me, getting in the way, talking to me and making it really hard to read and follow the recipe!!!THANK YOU, it's so great when someone says something simple and it shows us what to take care of. I WILL no matter what, take the time to enjoy my children. no more waiting till the food is cooked, the laundry done,.....on and on. my children are with me ALL the time, too.,but sometimes thats it, we are just together in the same place but not really involved with one another.(sort of like the hubby when i'm talking--he hears me but is not listening!) I know you love your daughter as i do mine, and they DO get under foot sometimes, but someday they won't be by our side, our chance for teaching will be gone. I would try to have ANOTHER talk with her, girl to girl. let her know why manners are so important and tell her that you want to help her learn how to be a lady. a lady knows her place and respects others--whats harder?teaching the 3 year old how to sit like a lady(keep the panties covered) or the 12ish how to mind their own?? remember good always wins over evil!!(thats how it works in the cartoons!)
xoxo s.r. |
|
|
|
Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 9:54:11 PM
|
Yep..totally the age..I have a 13 year old and two eleven year olds and a ten year old at home..and have raised 3 other boys to adulthood...kids that age are SOOOOOO nosy!! My oldest daughter is the queen of nosy too. They DO outgrow it. Usually when THEY start wanting their own privacy more. And after raising 3 boys...I do notice that my girls are much more interested in what I have to say..especially when it is none of their beeswax...but I try to take it as a complement. (not easy on a hard day) Hang in there..I am there with ya sister!!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
|
|
|
celebrate2727
True Blue Farmgirl
989 Posts
Beth
MJF
Farmgirl
989 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2007 : 10:26:36 PM
|
what when how why all day long- that's what I get from my 11 yr old. it must be the age. I can;t undestand all the worry- more stress than I can handle. A life lesson- each must learn to prioritize.
Good Luck- oldest is 18 and I still deal with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blessings
beth
I Can
beth@maryjanesfarm.org
|
|
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 2:44:56 PM
|
Her Highness has always been nosy/curious. I am the one who is frustrated to death with it. More because of the manners issue and it isn't "cute" anymore. AND she can't keep a secret either.
She does love to visit with others, even adults.
She is very creative and has always been "busy". (Doctors and teachers assure me she isn't ADD/ADHD! I've asked. LOL)
She is a Mama's girl too. Bigtime.
She is usually only allowed one extra ciricular activity afterschool/evenings. She has her dance lesson on Tuesdays. Otherwise, she plays the flute in band OR once in a blue moon is involved in a play at school.
I want her to focus on grades not "extras."
For the most part, to encourage her creativity, I let her do what she wants as long as she doesn't get too loud and obnoxious; I can tune out most stuff if need be. She sings all the time. (I love it  )
She pounds on/plays the piano. (I don't love that. LOL)
She makes up stories. (No note book is safe at our house)
She plays dress up/makes up "plays". (No frou-frou girly thing is safe.)
She even tries to get our dog to play along. (scotties are much to dignified for such nonsense.  )
And I know she is a blessing-you have no idea how much I know. Actually, both of my kids are, even if they drive me crazy half the time. 
Thanks everyone. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind or perhaps turning all rigid which I will save for when she is sixteen and boys start knocking down my door.
No phone calls last night, so I coudln't try the "I love you, but it is none of your business" line on her.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Nov 08 2007 2:57:26 PM |
|
|
|
Carolinagirl
True Blue Farmgirl
486 Posts
Kim
Rutherfordton
NC
USA
486 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 4:49:15 PM
|
My eight year old seems to be getting into that phase as well. It drives me crazy, but I'm trying to redirect her attention to something else- or I tell her its none of her beeswax.
Your daughter sounds very creative. I always made up stories and have been a writer for years.
Here's something she might enjoy- Ask her to create her own world. People, places, activities... everything- like in a game. Sort of like Dungeons and Dragons. She can make "trading" cards for the people, activities, places and then "play" them however she wants.
Just thought it might be an idea to keep her busy (and maybe out of your hair). :)
Kim in NC |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:07:15 AM
|
Your post really made me think and I'm going to give my thoughts on this. I don't want to hurt feelings but this is just my opinon.
You said you give her lots of attention, which is good, but I'm wondering if you just cut down on the attention and stated plainly, "I'm going to use the internet and I would appreciate you're not looking at my screen." type stuff. She may be good at stories and stuff but, to me, maybe more firm boundaries would be the ticket.
Oh sorry, I have to go now but I wanted to mention this. Again, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings! :-)
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
|
|
|
|
aimeeravae
True Blue Farmgirl
341 Posts
Aimee
Deer River
MN
USA
341 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:12:00 AM
|
Kim has it right!
Create for her a blog! She can keep the extended family informed with what is going on in your neck of the woods. Let her write it herself, with a quick proof read from you, post pictures and tell stories. Destiny might be stearing her toward the bestsellers list. Or The National Enquirer...
Aimee
http://laplantewardklopf.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2007 : 9:07:20 PM
|
Now that is a great idea, I didn't even think of doing that!!!!
I have been using the "I love you, but that is none of your business" route, and it is working great so far.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2007 : 06:32:22 AM
|
Thanks for the heads up, Julie.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
|
|
|
shawna
True Blue Farmgirl
241 Posts
missouri (north)
241 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2007 : 07:03:46 AM
|
i think you have a great idea, truthfulness is the best,, but now you are telling her "i have things to do, love you!" isn't it great to get insight from so many people!
xoxo mommyread.spaces.live.com |
|
|
|
mysophia
Farmgirl in Training
13 Posts
13 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 2:55:20 PM
|
kissmekate, I was just thinking the same thing daisy said, read your tag, and don't show any sign that you're aggravated with your daughters constant questions. It will only peak her interest more, and she'll think you have secrets. Just give her brief answers to her questions, telling her thats all there is to know. Doing that in a loving way, will keep her from feeling left out. It's probably just a stage shes going through. One day she'll probably care less what you're doing, or even what you think.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
|
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 6:54:49 PM
|
She has always been nosy, it is just worse now because of her age. There are just some things that are none of her business. Period.
For example:
This weekend we had a huge family situation and due to her tender age, she was discluded from this nasty and explosive situation. I know it killed her but it was for her own good (and for a minute there, her safety.) that she stay home and "babysit" the dog.
I know all too well, some day she will "hate" me and think I have the plague. It will probably break my heart for a while.
But I also know that won't last forever either.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
|
|
|
gateway girl
True Blue Farmgirl
135 Posts
Shari
Missouri
USA
135 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 6:10:30 PM
|
Kate,
My kids are all grown and starting families of their own, but I can remember they all got "nosy" at times, and I think alot of it was they thought they were being "adult" by being nosy. My suggestion would be to explain to her that you know she's becoming an adult but she needs to learn to act like an adult. Let her know that people like it when they are given their privacy and she will make friends much faster when she is older if she acts properly. Tell her if she wants to know something then she needs to act like an adult which means she first must be polite. Say to her,If I'm talking on the phone, butting in is very impolite and so is eaves dropping. You must wait until I am off the phone and if I want to answer your questions then I will. After explaining this, then if she butts in again, you can say "that's very impolite".
Kids that age seem to respond to being treated like adults. That is what they ultimately want, or so they think.
I was very blessed with my children. The first 3 never gave me an ounce of trouble and have always been talkative to me and we have always been very open with eachother. My youngest, which is a boy, didn't want to appear to be a momma's boy and pretty much tried doing things his way. He's 22 now and has slowly become a momma's boy per se. He still does things his way but he talks to me now. I talk to my girls every day on the phone and my son's call me about twice a week, just to say Hi and see what's going on.I think part of our good relations was due to the fact that I treated them as little adults as far as being polite and doing minor jobs around the house, but we also played alot. We played about every board game there is, and I had no problem with them making a mess with crafts and things just as long as we cleaned up afterwards. I also allowed them to decorate their rooms, which included one daughter painting a murel on her wall and another having all her friends write something to her in paint on her walls. It was an ongoing thing for years. Very fun and unique. She didn't paint her walls again until we sold the house. She was in college by that time. My oldest son had deer heads and fish mounted on his bedroom walls and the youngest son had posters of his favorite bands. He was very into music.
My kids ask me now that they have their own homes How did I let them screw up their rooms like that? To me, letting them express themselves was priceless and maybe kept them from expressing themselves in other possibly harmful or destructive ways. A can of Killz It paint is all it took to get rid of their creative expressions. Definitely worth it.
Kate, I hope these past experiences with my kids can help you with yours. She sounds like a wonderful kid, just teach her that to win friends and influence people it is always good to be polite, and that starts with family first.
Shari
Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment, it's not just about survival. Live every second to it's fullest!
|
Edited by - gateway girl on Nov 14 2007 6:11:59 PM |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: VERY Nosy Daughter |
|
VERY Nosy Daughter
