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Family Matters:  Problems with dh and Wills--help!!  |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 07:26:30 AM
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We're going on vacation, and it's the first time we've ever actually left the state since we were married 6 years ago, and I thought that it might be a good idea to have things "tidied up", and since I work for an estate planning attorney and do this stuff for a living, I approached dh about getting our estate planning done before we go.
When I talked with him a month ago, his response was, "write it up. I'll sign it.", and it seemed like no big deal. We talked about it last weekend, and discussed our wishes, who we'd want to care for our pets, who we'd want to give our antiques to, etc...and it was lighthearted and easy. So, this morning, we're coming to the office to quick do the signing with our friend/attorney in the office, and in casual conversation I asked dh how he was doing this morning--he replied, "I'm not really interested in legalizing my mortality-I'm not ready to do this Will thing" he continued..."this is all your idea, anyway, and I don't appreciate you bullying me into this!" I was kindof taken aback, because, well, "write it up, I'll sign it" doesn't exactly convey any misgivings. It's true, I do this for a living, so Wills and Estate planning just seem commonplace to me, but I also TRULY believe that signing a piece of paper doesn't seal your fate--our paths are already chosen.
I ALSO feel this way: I have a 401K, I have life insurance, I made sure HE has life insurance, I carry his benefits, I own our house and I make sure that all of our bills are paid, and that our life is under control--final planning is to take care of the OTHER person (i.e., him). The way it stands, I'm the one who would suffer if he passed away, and moreso, if he doesn't have a Will in place. Statutorily (sorry for the legaleze), Kentucky law gives his "worth" to me anyway, but I'd like to not have to prove it or take a bond out in court.
I think he's being selfish about this, but is it because I understand what these documents mean and he doesn't? Should I try to explain what they mean, should I have our friend/attorney explain and leave me out of the equation, or should I let it rest??
In addition to the Will, I also prepared a Living Will (which I think is the most important of the 3 documents, and a power of attorney). I'm going to go ahead and sign those two documents, but I won't sign my Will, because if I do, and I pass, and then he passes WITHOUT one, then it negates my wishes entirely.
I'm feeling a bit stung by his reaction--it seems really selfish to me, that he wouldn't consider his spouse, or anything else for that matter. I think I may have been a little nasty to him, because I said, "oh, well, this is pretty much like you've been through our whole marriage--you're taken care of, very well, by me, and I'm not. You're the beneficiary of my 401K, and you don't even HAVE one."
Help--really. I'm actually pretty mad about this, and I feel justified, but I guess, I need to see his side, but I'm having a lot of trouble.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 07:47:22 AM
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Hopefully he'll get over his reaction and sign the paperwork before you leave for vacation. I'd definitely let the estate attorney explain everything to you both as a couple, or at least to him individually, so he has received a professional opinion (even though you do this every day, you are still just the spouse!) You are lucky to have gotten that far with him, a lot of people won't even talk about their wishes, etc. It's the dumbest thing in the world not to take care of these things, isn't it?
You should still take care of your own estate, and you can always name a different trustee instead of him if you have concerns.
You are also in a different position than most of us; he might feel threatened that your boss is handling yours (and therefore his) personal affairs. It might be worth having him see a colleague for a free consult or even paying an hours worth of time for him to feel like he is getting objective professional advice.
My last thought, get him to the appointment, and don't ask again how he is feeling beforehand!
Good luck!
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
Edited by - Hideaway Farmgirl on Aug 31 2007 07:51:07 AM |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 08:25:43 AM
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I personally think they're worth it, but usually preferred in cases where there are multiple real estate holdings, or large parcels like farms, and stock and retirement funds. It's also great for privacy--in most, if not all states, there is nothing filed with the court so you do avoid probate, and the costs associated therewith, and all of those relatives who come out of the woodwork. The only thing about a trust is that you'd need to "title" everything appropriately, and that does take some time, and often the help of an attorney.
My great aunt had one--she really didn't need it, but it was very beneficial to me being appointed, since I'm 2 hours away, and I could simply proceed being the successor trustee and pay all bills, final expenses, etc...and get the house in order to sell.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Cheryl
True Blue Farmgirl
919 Posts
Cheryl
Magalia
CA
USA
919 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 09:34:28 AM
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Jonni, I have seen this happen before and with some people they feel if they sign on the dotted line something bad will happen.
Cheryl
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 10:42:40 AM
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Cheryl--
He actually said, "I think it's a bad omen!", so I guess you're right about that. I'm just super pragmatic, though, and I can't see the forest for the trees on this one, I guess.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2007 : 11:26:01 AM
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Tell your DH he will probably find that he actually feels better after he knows YOU will be taken care of, that the state won't take expenses and/or control away from the ones he wants handling his affairs, and that it's the very best birthday, annivsary, christmas, etc. gift he can give to his loved ones. That he is getting professional services gratis through your employer is a bonus...does he know he is saving big $$$ as well?
My DH and I attended a pre-retirement seminar through the county he works for, and during the section where they talked about wills, people were shocked at what the state will do for oversee every single step of your estate. Your lack of action hands all control to strangers and the courts and makes your relative work harder and pay more, to handle your family's private affairs.
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2007 : 07:31:11 AM
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Could you get a copy of it and just bring it home, and say, just in case you change your mind and want to read over it, it's here. Maybe he doesnt understand the benefits? My husband is the same way. Let him do it on his own. Guys don't like to be "drug to do something" like a stubborn mule, he's only going to pull against you. LIke Jo said, he probably will feel better. Maybe just get a copy, and let his own curiosity answer his questions. You know he would walk by it, and be like " I wonder what this stupid thing says anyways...." and then he'll pick it up, start reading, sit down, read some more, and maybe the light will come on! Best of luck.
Cristine |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2007 : 08:26:32 AM
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my husband and I have wills to say where money and land and children and everything else goes. It has to be a team effort as we both agreed it was important but it was still hard to sit down and figure out who would be in the will and who wouldn't knowing this would cause arguments after our deaths with certain family members. In our opinion it had to be done or as you said all kinds of family members would come out of the wood work and want custody of our children just for financial gain and not have their best interest in heart. Pets are like children so I think in your case it makes since to figure out who will be their new care givers. Take care and careful marriages have been destroyed for less as this is a hard subject for a lot of people. Some never think of it.
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
my bloghttp://sunshinescreations.vintagethreads.com/
my web store http://vintagethreads.com/ |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 11 2007 : 04:16:27 AM
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I don't have any advice on how to handle your situ but what got my hubby thinking about our assets was an aquaintance's hubby died and left her holding the bag. Her hubs didn't think she needed any ins. money after he died (he knew he had cancer and it was pretty clearcut he would die of that, unless he stepped out in front of a speeding car) and now she is losing her home that she's lived in for over 30 yrs. We have seen firsthand how she has struggled to sell things to keep afloat plus all the other probs. The upshot, however mean it sounds, is she let herself get walked on cuz she didn't want to rock the boat and wanted to be 'nice'.
So, my hubby and I talked about it in increments (couldn't seem to just sit down and TALK about it) and we are leaving the same to each other (in percentages) and then the same to the kids (the leftover percentages). It's kind of painful to think about but our aquaintances situ really brought the situ home.
Just do the best you can...
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Sep 11 2007 : 10:01:25 PM
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Several things stood out to me and I hope you don't mind my being totally honest. Not to be harsh, please understand.
You said you "made" sure he got life insurance. You own the house. You flat-out told him that you've taken care of him and throw in his face that you have a 401 and he doesn't.
Perhaps he's picked up on your feelings that you've got it all together and he doesn't, yada yada yada, and he doesn't like it.
Be honest. Have you pushed him or cajoled him to do other things (like get the life insurance?)? Maybe he's tired of that. While you may think it's important, he doesn't. You think he should think of your feelings, but I'm sure he feels you should think of his feelings.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
Please email me for all your Mary Kay needs! |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2007 : 05:55:17 AM
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Patti, I appreciate your thoughts, but honestly, we would both die if he was in charge of anything--by his own admission. I owned the house for about 2 years before we ever even met--I bought it when I was single. He doesn't want the deed in his name, because he has about $30K worth of student loans that he gets around to paying every once in a while, and he didn't want them to think he had any assets.
When we first married, I entrusted him with half the bills. They never got paid--in our first year of marriage, our electric was turned off 4 times, we had no water more times than I can count, and he really didn't see a problem with that. He's creative, a musician, and has adhd, which he doesn't treat with medicine, so he really doesn't think on the same "plain" as most of us do--those things just don't really matter to him. Obviously, I took over all that stuff because I really don't "roll" that easily.
We've talked more about the wills. His issue with the Wills is simply about mortality. He just turned 35 last month, and realizes that he may only have 35 years to go.
I only mention "how together" I am, when he seems totally out of line. He has a tendency to be passive agressive, and instead of saying right off the bat, "I don't like this" or "I'm not comfortable with this" he goes along with everything, sometimes with a ton of enthusiasm, only to turn on you in the end. It's very unfair, and that's usually when I bite back, wrong or right.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - Sep 12 2007 : 9:50:48 PM
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Jonni,
When you convince him it's the right thing to do, will you come convince my husband too? Each time I mention making out wills, he asks if I'm just waiting for him to die. NOOOOO, but I know he doesn't want his brother to have anything of his and I don't want my sister to have any of mine. Both were so greedy when our mothers died, it wasn't a bit fun. In NV, without a will, I would get half and the other half split among his child (our daughter) and his only remaining sibling. And my name is not on the house. I told him I don't want to have to sell the house so his brother can have more money he would spend it 10 lifetimes and our daughter can wait until we're both gone. And I have a son from my second marriage I would like included in sharing my assets. Very frustrating to say the least.
Ronna |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 13 2007 : 05:49:24 AM
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Wow, Ronna--I knew Nevada had interesting laws all the way around, but what weird decedent laws! I just told the associate in the office next to me and he said, "Well, that's a d*** good reason to have a Will, then isn't it?"
I just like to be covered--all of us--I've always worked in an estate planning and insurance business, and unfortunately, have heard so many stories, and known people who have suffered consequences of not having these matters tended to. I also believe in spending the money while you're alive, giving it to charity, etc...so that in the end, there isn't much to fight over, but it's the legal documents that matter.
Ronna, I've figured out that men are weird in many respects--If I EVER get mine to do his, I'll come out there for a visit 
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Family Matters: Problems with dh and Wills--help!! |
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Problems with dh and Wills--help!!
