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Across the Fence:  A small rant on manners  |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
 Posted - May 01 2007 : 12:00:01 PM
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Let me preface this post by saying that I am NOT miss manners, nor I am very knowledgeable on such things. Recently, I hosted a baby shower for my BIL's girlfriend. On the invitations, it said "Please RSVP" followed by my name and phone number.I sent out 50 invitations...I got a total of four RSVP's (two who said they were not coming) and guess how many people showed up? 22.
When I asked around to a couple of guests, they said "Oh, I thought RSVP only means call if you are NOT coming."
If I am not mistaken, that is the scenario only when the invitation says "Regrets Only." Other guests just did not think it was important to respond.
So, I guess here is where my rant comes in. This baby shower took place at a hotel 2 hours from my home, and I had to premake all the food and pack every feasible thing I would need (including trash bags, decorations, etc). Can you imagine how hard it is to figure out how much food to make and plates, napkins and glasses to pack when no one responds to the invitations? I thought about calling everyone on the guest list, but all 50 calls would have been long distance, and I could not afford that.
Lately, I've noticed that many people do not know, or bother with maintaining even the most BASIC manners. I am sure part of this comes from the busy lifestyles people lead, but I also think many people just don't know. After all, they do not teach this kind of stuff in school anymore. I am sad to say that BIL's girlfriend has also not sent any thank-you notes to her guests.
After this fiasco, I ordered an ettitique book so I can brush up on my own basic manners, because I sure could use improvement.
Do ya'll think manners are becoming a lot art? Or am I just being too stuffy and old-fashioned?
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 12:24:06 PM
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I find that not only manners seem to be falling by the wayside but common courtesy also. These two things actually go hand in hand. It can be very disturbing.
We come from Nature, we go back to Nature; health & happiness in between requires intimacy with Nature. |
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cmandle
True Blue Farmgirl
846 Posts
Catherine
Minneapolis
MN
846 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 12:33:37 PM
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Oh no, SarahJ, you're not stuffy and old-fashioned. I've run into the exact same thing with parties and get so upset each time. I always RSVP because I would hope that others would do the same for me! We should invite each other to parties in the future. We may not be able to come, but at least we'd tell the other person!
Catherine :)
My Blog: http://yogurtandgranola.blogspot.com
My Etsy Shop: http://yogurtandgranola.etsy.com |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 1:15:00 PM
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I completely agree...both manners and common courtesy have fallen WAY by the wayside...From basic "excuse me" at the grocery to parents requiring their children to behave in public. I was raised by an older parent (daddy was born in 1923, I was born in 1973!), so he made SURE my etiquette was in check (heck, it was 1944 all the time!!!) In regards to parties, we just attended an 80th birthday where the invite said, "regrets only". We were called repeatedly over the last few weeks by multiple hosts "to get a head count" and to see if we were "still" coming! My husband finally said, "the invite said, Regrets Only".
I work for an attorney, and my big irk is telephone manners. When I'm telephoning you, I say, "Hello, my name is la-di-da, and I'm calling from ____ Attorney's office." The greeting I receive most when I answer at the office is "Who's this?" to which I coyly respond, "Who is calling?" Either it makes them angry, or they immediately apologize for their poor manners. Additionally, when I provide my number to leave a message, "uh huh, uh huh, ok." doesn't necessarily make me feel confident you've written it down correctly.
We are a busy society, too busy. I can't tell you how many weddings, housewarmings, etc.. I've been to where they tell you where they're registered, assume you're going to bring a gift, and then don't send you a thank you! It doesn't have to be flowery, it just has "to be".
Whew. I could go on and on.
Thanks for bringing such an important topic up.
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." Margaret Atwood
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 1:19:33 PM
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I really think that is a shame...but I have noticed a downhill trend too.
but..as farmgirls we do have the ability to start grass root efforts all around the nation..so I say let's get the ball rolling again with the "please and thank you's" and everything else in between..all that it takes is joining hands in agreement to bring back the good old fashioned ways!..and remembering to spread cheer and smiles along the way and to be courteous to those whose path's we cross.Farmgirl's Rule!:0)
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 1:25:14 PM
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we could even wear tee shirts that say something like " Mama says...mind your manners" and things like "Common Courtesy is NOT a lost art" (just an idea)
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 1:31:03 PM
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Actually, I'd wear those tee's in heart beat!
Let's seriously think on a logo--it's not like we're not collectively creative!!!
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." Margaret Atwood
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:02:59 PM
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I'll talk to my hubby who is a graphics designer..I'll see if he wants to help us come up with a design.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:03:36 PM
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| This is one of my pet peeves. Common courtesy is definitely a lost art! Manners don't seem to be valued anymore...in fact, it almost seems laughable if you do show some courtesy. It's a shame because manners can deflate anger when something awkward happens. It just shows some respect. I think it's one of the causes of a lot of anger among people, not to mention the rat race everyone seems to be on! |
Edited by - junkjunkie on May 01 2007 2:04:15 PM |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:06:02 PM
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I just came up with the sayings while I was typing..and I really like them..I think that they'd go over well with folks wanting to wear something like that for fun, but also to get a message across.
I have a few ideas already for the design..I'll be chatting with my hubby about it and how to get them out to folks.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:09:00 PM
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wow ladies, I am so glad it is not just me! This experience made me very conscious that I need a brush up on my overall manners. Even though I was raised by parents who emphasized good manners, I will be brushing up on things like invitation etiquette, gift etiquette and and the like.
I read about a woman who gives all her young relatives etiquette reference books when they graduate 8th grade. I think I may do this for my kids as well. When I mentioned it to my mom, she said that Amy Vanderbilt's etiquette book was standard reference for girls when she was growning up.
I also know a mom who makes thank-you notes a standard of her childrens' Christmas stockings so they are prepared to write them in a timely manner.
We may need a grassroots effort, and I plan to start with myself, and my kids. |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:11:13 PM
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| And I am all about the shirts Tina!! |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:12:43 PM
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| Me too!! |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 2:52:07 PM
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Yippee! Shirts! I cannot wait. I'm excited to start our "trend" of niceities. Emily Post is a bit stuffy, but Amy Vanderbilt would do...times have certainly changed, but there are some good guidelines. This brings me to something else...My best friend is a guy, accomplished attorney, nice looking and is back out on the market after a rough divorce. He's been telling me his "horror" stories from the dating world, and most of them detail etiquette or manners in someway. He's a gentleman, and believes in holding the door for a gal, opening the car door for you (he unlocks it too), will NEVER let a girl pick up the check (I've tried and tried) and is, what I imagine, rather refreshing in this day and age....he said women are turned off by his manner. One girl told him he was a chauvinist, and that she could open the door for herself! His big pet peeve in the "dating world" is having dinner with a gal who answers her cell phone while they're having dinner. These are gals who don't have kids at home with a sitter, or whatever, just answering the phone to talk to friends about nothing in particular. One date answered her phone 3 times and didn't even notice he'd waived for the check. He said, given the opportunity to go back to dating prior to cell phones, he would, just to get out a full sentence!! I personally think that would be awful...I'd be really embarrased after the first call..
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." Margaret Atwood
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 3:26:27 PM
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I have to confess that I didn't grow up knowing about 80% of what good manners were like. Or if I did know, I was just not remembering them and being a total twit.
Now that I have children and we live in a community where everyone knows everyone it is so important to me.
Just the fact that you need to look people in the eye no matter who the person is very important.
Waiting until the person who called you on the telephone hangs up first, then you hang up. (I learned that as a receptionist).
Greeting people and returning greetings. Saying goodbye, nice meeting you, nice to see you etc.
And I don't care who you are, Do Not walk up to two people talking and interrupt. (I am incredulous at this one!!! The people who should know better....Don't!)
And one thing that really burns me up is when teenagers or kids PLOP down on a sofa and they do not take into consideration that adults are present and should be offered a seat. And don't get me started on families that don't teach their kids to show respect at the dinner table for guests or elders.
So, yeah, T-shirt away!!! Great idea!
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 3:54:23 PM
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This is so RUDE! RSVP's should be returned within 24-48 hours if at all possible and one should not change ones mind! Regrets only means you don't have to call unless you aren't coming otherwise you are supposed to call.
So many people nowdays just don't bother and it is a huge inconvenience to the hostess!
So sorry for you. T-shirts are cute idea.
Although it is polite if two people are talking to interuppt so long as you say excuse me or pardon me FIRST! Otherwise waiting quietly is fine.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 4:31:34 PM
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Ah, such a subject of frustration for me! I teach grade eight, and I am constantly having to model good manners and even just common courtesy for my students. It's quite obvious what kind of parenting goes on in the students' homes based on how they conduct themselves in my classroom. One happy story that makes me smile, even though it is a simple one, is the time I ran into one of my current students while shopping. When he noticed me, he immediately went over to get his mom and "formally" introduced us to one another. How sweet!
Unfortunately, I also have a goddaughter to whom I've sent presents over the years (for Christmases, birthdays, communion, etc.) and have not received a thank you note in quite some time (she's 11 years old now). This past Christmas, I finally decided to stop sending gifts. I just felt that if she (or her mother) couldn't even acknowledge my little gestures with at least a phone call, then maybe it just didn't mean enough to them. Makes me sad... |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 4:55:29 PM
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Wow, ladies. I'm with all of you. I've been to two weddings in the past 2 years and both were aquaintances;not really good friends. I really tried to get nice gifts and have never received a Thank You card. It really irks me - that should just be a given. When one of the ladies was pregnant and I got an invitation to her shower, I RSVP'd with my regrets. I may be stuffy but oh well. We do have to try and teach our children and grandchildren (if their parents don't get miffed) about good manners. I'm amazed at the phone manners of many clients and others that we deal with. People will just begin talking as if I'm supposed to recognize their voice! I would love to be able to remember everyone, but it's not gonna happen.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 5:35:47 PM
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I'm so absent-minded. I have thank you notes, 3 of them, that I found and I hadn't sent them. One couple had moved away by the time I discovered my misplaced notes.
I feel so bad.
Anyone else ever do this?
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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EmmJay
True Blue Farmgirl
352 Posts
Mary Jane
Amherst
Nova Scotia
Canada
352 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 6:19:08 PM
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Wow, Great topic!
I am a HUGE fan of manners.....There may be a few that I could re-learn, but I do try my best.
Both my children are NOT to call an adult by their first name, unless that person says to. I am 39, and will say Ms, Mr, or Miss Smith, until that person asks me to call them by their first name.
My son, or anyone else for that matter, are permitted to wear a hat at the dinner table, and please keep the elbows off the table.
I went and picked up two coffee for a friend and myself today, and the door was held open by another woman, and when I said "thank you", she laughed at me. What was that about???
MJ
"Thank GOD I'm a country girl"
http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o134/EmmJay07/ |
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MariaAZ
True Blue Farmgirl
203 Posts
Phoenix
AZ
203 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 7:12:55 PM
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I agree that manners and common courtesy have gone by the wayside, but I think much of the problem is that people no longer learn them. As a result there are many people who don't KNOW they are being rude. With this in mind, many people probably honestly don't understand what "RSVP" means. I looked it up, and it is French for "Please reply" (respondez s'il vous plait).
I've learned a lesson from this situation; if I send out invitations I'll bypass the French and plainly state "Please reply if you are attending or not."
Visit my blog at www.craftyfool.net |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 8:06:07 PM
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Many years ago, I read on a church marquee...Common sense isn't..... and it's stuck with me because it's so true. A little play on yours Tina, but if you were to put "Common Courtesy Isn't" it would get a lot of attention from those who read it and think about what it means. Feel free to use it if you think appropriate. I hold doors, let people go ahead of me, etc etc all the time. Sometimes I get an amazed ''thank you'', especially from men. Being in the mass merchandise stores all the time for my job as a sales rep, I often help people when it has nothing to do with the toys my company makes. Especially older people, who get confused easily. I would hope someone will do the same for me when I get old and feeble.
Ronna |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 8:30:56 PM
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I find it all sad. I don't think we have to run around being perfect but commom courteousy has even gone out the door. I was coming out of the store with my son in a stroller. The lady coming in rushes up to make it through the door I was already opening with my foot just to get in the store first. OH- I am sorry, I wasn't standing here with this stroller, 2 bags, baby, purse and myself...UGH!!!
I am really saddened just by the lack of thank you's (like the other day, the grocery clerk shoved my receipt into my hand and was already onto the next customer before I had even moved away. No thank you for shopping or have a nice day..smile...nothing)
I was raised that you call someone Miss or Mr. as a courteousy. I still do that even with adults. I have never gotten an acknowledgement from my brother or his wife and 3 kids about gifts either. I too stopped sending them about 3 years ago. And don't get me started about phone manners...ohhh!!! I could cry.... |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 9:13:40 PM
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OK I have to get in on this one because I am so big on using manners. The one I probably hate the most is when you are in a store and someone needs by you and they dont say excuse me. They will just stand there and look at you with the evil eye. Now I dont normally block an aisle and am very cautious of those kinds of things. But sometimes it just happens that some one needs to get by. Well dang it, say excuse me, I will be more than happy to move. And I have to admit, I have purposely ignored someone to see if they would say it and they never do. So sometimes when they are passing me I will say, "If you would have said excuse me I would have been more than happy to move for you" or I will say, "excuse me works really well". I just come right out and say it, and so does my big sis. Not one person has ever responded to my comments. I dont know if they are realizing how rude they were, or if they are just shocked that I made the comment. Either way, I think its rude to just expect someone to just move for you.
I have 2 boys and I make them say please, thank you, yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir. I would hope that others would do the same with their kids and teach them respect for other people, but I know it doesnt happen with everyone. I think everyone could use a good freshing up on their manners and it would be nice if they could teach a class on it in school or something. Because I know not all parents are teaching it in their homes. So sad.
Anyway...
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. |
Edited by - lilpunkin on May 01 2007 9:15:26 PM |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2007 : 9:28:40 PM
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| "Common sense isn't" or "common courtesy isn't".....perfect! Those are really good! |
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steeleyedjack
Farmgirl in Training
32 Posts
Constance
Erwinna
PA
USA
32 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2007 : 07:45:55 AM
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May I vent here?
Hours before my Fil passed away he asked to buried in the front yard of our farm. So, six months later, we just had the memorial service and buried his ashes in the stone cairn(tomb) that I had to build because my husband just had rotator cuff surgery. His two strapping brothers never bothered to come and help.
This was supposed to be immediate family only. My Mil called two weeks before to tell me she invited 44 other family members. They all came, no one offered to help with anything. I was up till midnight everynight for a week getting food and tables and chairs and beverages ready. Not to mention taking care of DH recovering from surgery. They all showed up and ate and drank and as I was scurrying around to check on my guests, saying good bye to those who were leaving, my Mil and Sils put ALL of the leftover food into MY containers then put it in their cars to take home with them.
I have yet to receive a thank you in any form or fashion from anyone other than my DH. He was completely appalled and promised to never have any of them back here again.
Do I say anything to my Mil or Sils?
Y'all are the best family.
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Across the Fence: A small rant on manners |
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A small rant on manners
