| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Nov 18 2006 : 8:48:11 PM
I've been through a lot in the last year and I got a lot of support from a lot of you back when it all started... as a recap to avoid having to explain a bunch of junk later, I am a stay at home mom, My husband lost his job last year, I cashed out my 401 K to keep the house afloat until he got a new job. He found a new job in a different state, so we sold my house that I loved along with the garden that I created and loved in the back yard, and I moved away from my home town for the first time and left behind my family friends and a few clubs I belonged to as well. We moved to an apartment and lived there for 6 months.. at first when we moved I managed to catch every single germ that came along and I rarely ever get sick, but I had to visit the urgent care a few times in the first few months here.. now we are 2 months into a crappy little trailor that I had to scrub for about a week before it was even habitable. We had to replace the kitchen stove because it was infested with mice and just totally gross. I was on a constant adrenaline rush trying to get this place safe and liveable before I got the kids in here.. We are living here temporarily until our new house is finished being built.
I hate it here in this trailor we have no space and I am having a hard time making the best of this. It seems like we will be here forever because our house keeps having delays.. first we were supposed to be in after the new year, then they said March, and now due to some kind of code thing with wiring that has come up, it's being projected as "sometime after March"
I have been having problems with forgetting things lately, anxiety problems, general fatigue, really dark thoughts and I just can't make myself keep up with this place. I find myself lying around all day just thinking about things I hate and feeling too overwhelmed to move.
I went to the Dr. and was told I have depression and was given a prescription for an antidepressant. I felt worse than I ever had in my life. I didn't sleep for 3 days I had tremors, a steady migraine, and racing thoughts that when I described them he called mania and was told that I could go off it because I wasn't tolerating it.
I am totally terrified to try another one after that. I had an "episode" this morning where I woke up sad and cried all morning, picked a fight with my husband, started packing up the kids bags and getting ready to go home.. for some reason I keep thinking that if I can just get back to Spokane I can get my life back.. then all my angry energy stopped and I was sad again and just laid on the couch for hours.. I know the kids need their dad, and he is good to them, and a fun guy and he is trying really hard..Leaving isn't going to fix or change anything at this point.
I just don't know what to do.. this isn't me at all.. it's scary to be so out of touch with myself... I'm scared to parent on my own if I am going to have to try a bunch of different medications that may or may not make me act nuts until I find the right thing.
We really can't afford counsuling and this city doesn't offer much for help in that way. Our insurance covers it after a 500.00 deductable which makes my husband cringe each time I bring it up. I try to talk to him but he gets defensive because he blames himself for the way things all went with him losing his job. I can't talk to anyone.. I don't even have my own mom to talk to because she already hates my husband for taking me away and that would just add fuel to the fire in a bad way. I feel totally isolated and alone!
I don't have a history with this, so part of me wonders if I am just totally overwhelmed and have been through too much to expect myself to just bounce back right away.. and maybe if I'm patient with it all this will go away when I get in the new place or if I am being stupid and niave for thinking that way.. I'm just so tired and feel like a total loser these days.. there is duct tape keeping the insulation inside the walls in some places in here.. it's just really horribly hard to be in here looking at this all the time..
My husband has been escaping from reality a lot by getting hooked on video games.. seems that unless I am fighting with him or fooling around with him he is always planted in his computer chair in the furthest corner from everyone else in the house.
If you made it through all this congratulations.. if you have any suggestions that would be swell because I am starting to feel pretty hopeless these days.. I am usually very optimistic and bright and cheery.. I heard a message of myself talking when I picked up the phone and the machine picked up, and I sound flat... no inflection to my voice at all.. weird.
B.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| frannie |
Posted - Jan 03 2007 : 08:29:12 AM
bobbi,
i have been out of town for the holidays, but had to check in on you and see how you are doing. sounds like things are starting to turn around....and so glad you had a great christmas.
will continue to send warm hugs and thoughts from texas!
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
| sewgirlie |
Posted - Jan 02 2007 : 6:07:10 PM
Hi Bobbi!
What you need to do now is start getting all the decorating magazines and tearing out the pages that show the rooms you want to have in the new house. Sometimes just moving ahead little by little and making the dream more real will help things go forward. By the time you have "decorated and visualized" each room, the house will be ready for you.
When we bought this house 25 years ago, we had been living in a really crappy little trailer with rats and other things that went chomp in the night (plus, my first mother-in-law who was a rodent of another kind--owned it and rented it to us.) Well, I just had the dream about living in a Walton's house with the front porch and all, so I kept designing rooms, making curtains, having grandpa build me a porch swing (imagine him shaking his head wondering, "where the hell is she going to put this in that trailer?") and then one day, I was here! I just kept seeing it in my head and then it was suddenly true. It kept my own depression at bay and I felt positive and productive each day!
I'll send you some magazines if you want. I'll make you curtains if you want too! You name it and it will be there!
XXOO Sheryl-lyn |
| Kelly43 |
Posted - Jan 02 2007 : 5:34:53 PM
Bobbi, so glad you seem to be feeling a little better, keep your chin up. You know we are always here when you need us and I think this is the perfect place for your "blog". Sometimes it's just good to know there is someone out there who cares and we all do!
Kel |
| bboopster |
Posted - Jan 02 2007 : 12:44:04 PM
Hello Bobbi,
Take the journey and know that you are not alone. I to went into a depression 15 years ago that lasted a long time (10years) and caused some physical problems as well. The anti depressents were very hard on my system and most made me worse. I did include in my journey along with a counsolur, vitiamins and excersize. It was very hard to pull myself out of bed most days to parent my 5 children (I was a single mom for part of the time) but I did find if I even walked to the mailbox and then pushed myself to the corner and back it helped. We just finished our new house and it was a great deal behind which kept my DH out of work for 3 times the six months we first projected. Heads up when you move in you will have more space and all the unpacking and finding your possesions, decorating will help. Please do not hesitate to talk about your feelings as that is part of your journey.
God bless 
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Dec 29 2006 : 9:41:43 PM
Great to see you back and sounds like you are on the road to feeling better. We are sure here for ya..keep on typing..you don't bore us at all..hugs from Utah too!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| Libbie |
Posted - Dec 29 2006 : 9:30:35 PM
Hi, Bobbi! I'm so glad that you're back with us!!! We LOVE to hear what's going on in your world - and I'm so excited for you that you had a great Christmas. (((HUGS!!!)))
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Dec 29 2006 : 04:28:06 AM
Definitely keep posting, we are all interested!! And I am glad to hear you sounding like you feel better! Way to go, HAPPY new year!! Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| CountryGirl85 |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 11:08:51 AM
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better! Don't worry about boring anyone's pants off. You keep a-typin' and I'll keep a-readin'! Good luck to you!
Love and hugs,
Laura
http://thecraftycatgirl.blogspot.com
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." Anne Frank |
| bramble |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 09:08:46 AM
Bobbi- Whatever helps you get to the place you want to be is ok with us! Don't feel badly about not responding, we just want to let you know we are here for you (and thinking about you) whenever you need us! Be well, be happy that's what's important. Hugs, Bramble
with a happy heart |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 09:03:58 AM
so glad to see that you definitely seem to be on the road back! way to go! woohoo.
we are all rooting for you. Farmgirls stick together you know:0) you have friends!
hugs to ya.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
| Marybeth |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 08:41:04 AM
Our Bobbi is coming back. WOW!!!
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 07:30:50 AM
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I started counsuling two weeks ago, I have only been once due to the holiday season combined with only being able to get there in the evenings when my husband can watch the girls, but I actually started feeling better after the first visit.. I guess hearing a professional say that all this is pretty normal helped in itself. Part of it sounded a little cheesy but according to him, he and I are going to go on a little "journey" together to help me to get in touch with my own identity because he thinks I had myself defined by my family and the home I left behind, and when I lost all of that I lost who I was as well.
I can agree with that part of it.. but the "journey" sounds a little like Reading Rainbow to me, but maybe the girls and I watch too much PBS to make a safe judgement. I have my sardonic sense of humor working again though so I guess I must be on the right track.
Hal is really happy I am seeing someone, and we have the financial part of it worked out now so I don't have to feel like I am sucking up our families resources to get on the ball with this, which takes a load off too.
Christmas was great. My husbands family makes a huge deal out of it so we had a great time and it's more like a weeklong feast than just Christmas with them. We still have a fridge full of fudge and cookies and ham and wine and goodness knows what else is in the bag that just showed up in there. Now that I live so close they have noticed just how much I need to update my wardrobe (being on my knees with the kids so much, I don't think I have a pair of pants without threadbare or hole-y knees) So they all got me gift cards to Ross (a discount clothes store) and after 2 gift exchanges and the big christmas morning at our house and then his moms house, after being given cards of 10 dollars here and 15 dollars there it came to a total of about 75.00, so I'm pretty excited about that, I don't think I have been clothes shopping since I bought maternity clothes and a couple of pairs of stretchy pants for after having JoJo.
I guess there is nothing like the prospect of new clothes to bring a girl out of a funk. ;)
I'm sort of using this as my occasional bloggy blog or sounding board as I am taking my journey or whatever, so as long as I'm not boring everyones pants off I'll just keep at it.. it seems to be helping.
(and to those of you who have personally e-mailed me, I'm sorry I haven't responded.. I think it's so sweet, and the support is great, but I just don't know what to really say.. I sit and re read them, and start a response, and then criticize it and eventually delete it, but don't go thinking it's unappriciated, I just can't bring myself to hit "send")
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Dec 28 2006 : 04:26:03 AM
Hello Bobbi. I guess we've all been there. Way back I told my doctor that I was a little depressed and couldn't sleep and he gave me a prescription for something (I can't remember now what it was) but it made me suicidal!!! So after that I've been really leary of trying any kind of medication, but right now I've been on the generic brand of paxil for about two years, maybe a little bit more. With it I have weight gain and being in my fifties and having had a hysterectomy in March of 2005, well, I can;'t get the weight off......... but I ran out of the pills one time and waited a few days before I went to the drugstore, WOW, how horrible I felt!!! Dizzy mainly.........but I felt horrible. I want so badly to stop taking it but I guess I'd need to take time off from work so I could and it does keep me on an even keel ...........aaakkkk!! I'm not trying to lessen what you are going through, just telling you that you have company, if that helps. Please try to keep your chin up, all of us farmgirls are pulling for you. I know I love everyone here, everyone is soooo kind. take care......farmgirl hugs!! Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| CountryGirl85 |
Posted - Dec 19 2006 : 1:52:14 PM
Hey there Bobbi,
I, too, know how you feel. Four years ago I had a terrible encounter with depression and anxiety. I remember my first anxiety attack happened at the movie theater. My heart raced, I felt out of place, and felt really scared for no reason. It went away pretty quickly, so I didn't think anything of it. The next few days brought on more attacks. Well, it was more like being in a constant state of anxiety. My chest was tight, I had a lump in my throat, and I just felt terrified that something was really wrong with me. So my mom took me to the ER. My pulse was sky high! I got chest x-rays, an EKG, blood tests, and pumped up with anti-anxiety drugs through an IV. The ER doc referred me to an endocrinologist because my thyroid was high. I was sent home with drugs to slow my rapid pulse and valium to calm me down and help me sleep. Things got worse when I went home. I had these awful tremors, dry heaves, couldn't eat, and didn't sleep for days. The valium made me feel weird, like I was looking down on myself, so I stopped taking that. I was all clear with the endocrinologist and my repeat blood test came back ok. By this point, I wanted desperately for them to find something wrong with me so it could be fixed! I thought I was going crazy! I also had terribly dark thoughts that I didn't want to have. It was this strange irrational fear of hurting myself or others, something I would never even consider doing, not ever. I was just so scared that I would never feel happy again. And if you've ever felt this kind of depression, you know what I'm taking about. I cried and cried and cried. Thank God I had my mom there to comfort me. I ended up going to an outpatient psychiatric program where they promptly prescribed anti-depressants and a sleep aid. I was there for a week and it did help. I also discovered my depression got worse a week or two before my period. I was on birth control to help regulate my period and had stopped not long before this happened, so I went back on it. I think the thing that frustrated me the most was the lack of explanation for why I was feeling like this. One doctor said it was something in my past, another that it's a chemical imbalance. It was like a guessing game, that classic nature vs. nurture thing. In the next few months, I had my meds upped twice and have been on that dosage for four years now. Just remember, this too shall pass. Every time I went through an episode, I told myself it's ok. It will pass, it always does. Sometimes I wish I could go back with the knowledge I have now and do things differently. Herbs, meditation, Indian healing ceremony, whatever! I don't feel like I'm "cured" but more like I'm treated. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy and have been doing well for a long time; but I don't want to have to rely on drugs forever. Maybe I won't have to and maybe I will. Whatever you do, make sure you get the help you deserve. It doesn't have to be from a doctor or from pills. Just always remember that there is help available to you from countless sources and no reason is a good reason to give up the fight. I'm sure things will get better for you. Don't focus on what you had to give up or what you don't have at your new residence, focus on what you do have. Your life, your husband, your children, family, the hope that things will get better. Rejoice in the good. Pray, sing, believe in something, in the power of God, Nature, man, to heal you. Just because it's a cloudy day doesn't mean the sun isn't shining. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
All the best to you,
Laura
http://thecraftycatgirl.blogspot.com
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." Anne Frank |
| sonflowergurl |
Posted - Dec 16 2006 : 8:38:25 PM
Bobbi,
I went through this exact thing the past two years. The first year we were in a small apartment and money was super tight. Last year, after some job/housing changes, I found myself in an even worse funk than I'd been in the year before. We were living in a tiny double-wide trailer, it was super dumpy and had tons of problems. It was on an acre, which was good and bad...I felt like I was on a small farm, but then it was overwhelming to keep up with the lawn. I had a couple of really bad breakdowns, but I made myself pick myself back up by my bootstraps the next day and keep plodding on. I didn't do the meds, probably should've, but now that we're out of that place my outlook is MUCH better! Just hang in there, it IS only temporary, and once you get into your new place, you'll be amazed at how quickly it all really happened.
Katee
A life without love is like a year without summer.
"Looking Toward the Son"---- http://sonflowergirl731.blogspot.com
|
| Libbie |
Posted - Dec 14 2006 : 10:59:17 AM
Hi, Bobbi! I was so glad to see your update post - you're in my thoughts and prayers - it takes one strong farmgirl to realize that if you don't put yourself at the top of the list of things to take care of, you can't take care of anybody else! Love and wonderful thoughts...
And TWO FarmGirls here in Utah pulling for you!
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
| blueroses |
Posted - Dec 11 2006 : 1:54:03 PM
Hi Bobbi,
Been thinking about you. I'm glad to hear that you can go to a counselor. It can really help to vocalize your feelings to an impartial third party. Remember - we love you.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
| katiedid |
Posted - Dec 11 2006 : 10:54:03 AM
Bobbi! So glad to hear from you! I was just reading a self-health type book, and it had a quiz, and the higher your score, the higher your risk for stess induced problems...and you are right!!! SOOO many of the very things you have gone through the last year are on the list!!
I am glad to hear you are looking into counseling, and "keeping your head up"
Take care, and know that a FarmGirl here in Utah is pulling for you...
I know first hand, how hard it is to carry on when you have kids, BUT I also know that many times it has been my girls that keep me going.
Love and light to you
Kate
my new blog http/www.theknifemakerswife.wordpress.com |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Dec 11 2006 : 10:36:02 AM
Bobbi, I think you're stronger than you feel right now. It's very difficult to have to admit to needing help, much less seeking it out yourself when life's circumstances leave you feeling so beat up. You're going to be just fine.
Warm wishes and a big hug.
Di |
| Marybeth |
Posted - Dec 11 2006 : 09:56:33 AM
Good to hear from you Bobbie. And good for you just because!!
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Dec 11 2006 : 09:39:40 AM
I'm still around, I just haven't had much to report. I had a visit 2 weeks ago to the second opinion doctor who said the way I am reacting to everything is actually kind of normal for as many stressors as are going on in my life. He recommended seeing a counsular who we discovered was out of our network for insurance entirely, my husband researched the insurance part of it more and realized that he was mistaken and that the 500.00 deductable thing only applies to an inpatient type thing.. so actually right now I am printing out a list of people who are covered for me to go to and at my follow up appointment today I am going to ask him who on that list is good.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| katiedid |
Posted - Dec 10 2006 : 6:45:43 PM
Just wondering how Bobbi is???
Anyone heard from Bobbi?
Kate
my new blog http/www.theknifemakerswife.wordpress.com |
| lamarguerite farm |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 6:10:55 PM
I'm getting adrenal support as well and that has helped TREMENDOUSLY!!
Blessings,
Missy
If you have a dream, even if you don't feel qualified to accomplish it, just try your hardest.-Maggie Jensen
http://18happyhens.blogspot.com
http://LamargueriteFarm.etsy.com |
| Kelly43 |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 4:50:05 PM
Bobbi, hang in there, you'll make it, even if it is one day at a time. I'm glad to see you trying and congrats to your husband for trying too. You are in this together (along with all of us farmgals) and I know 'we " can make it. Make us your journal if that would work. We all care!!!!!
Kel |
| beachbuminthecountry |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 11:52:13 AM
Hello Whimsygirl I think Armywifey is on the right track about the adrenal glands. Here is some info that may help:
Introduction to Adrenals and Adaptogens
Adaptogens are a class of herbs that help the body manage adrenal hormones correctly. While licorice feeds the actual adrenal glands, these herbs act not on the gland but on the receptor sites for the hormones. If we were talking about baseball, the glands would be the pitcher, the hormones the baseball, and the catcher is the receptor site.
When we've been overstressed for too long, our receptor sites go away. It's part of the checks and balance system, a way to have two ons and two offs. Let the pitcher keep pitching, but take the catcher out of the equation - ball never lands.
So then our adrenals run out of balls to throw, we're not catching half the ones that are thrown, presto, adrenal exhaustion results.
This is why all chemical highs eventually build up tolerance and crash.
When the adrenals are in over-production mode and we're still catching, our symptoms are:
fatigue
sugar cravings
allergies
multiple chemical sensitivity
palpitations
aches and pains
arthritis
irritabilitiy
intolerance to cold
decreased concentration.
When the adrenals have been totally drained, we then get:
fatigue
weight gain around waist
insomnia
elevated triglycerides
anxiety
stress
reduced libido
hair loss
increased facial/body hair (women)
acne
memory lapses
Wonky adrenals severely impairs our ability to utilize minerals and certain B vitamins, making remineralization and skin food crucial.
To manage the body's receptivity to hormones, you can take a supplement of adaptogenic herbs. The most famous adaptogenic herb is ginseng. Here is a list:
Ginseng (Asian and Siberian)
Licorice
Rehmannia
Schizandra
Codonopsis
Atractylodes
Astragalus
Gotu Kola
Aswagandha
Reishi
Adrenal Support
To regulate the adrenals, the first step is to avoid stress of all kinds. If you used to get a high from meeting intense deadlines, being in on the wild gossip, watching scary movies, indulsing in road rage, quit cold turkey. Start meditating and detaching from your emotions. If you do get mad or stressed, walk for 20 minutes.
The second step is to quit all caffeine, even green tea. After a month or two you can have green tea again. Caffeine makes us energetic because it tells the adrenals to pump out adrenaline.
The third step is a no-sugar, low-glycemic diet that supports the liver. The adrenals are part of the feedback system that tells the pancreas how much insulin to release into the bloodstream to manage blood glucose.
Ashwaganda regulates the adrenals and is safe to take for a month to three months.
Licorice Root feeds the adrenals, and is safe to take for a month if you're estrogen dominant, longer if you are not. You should also be getting plenty of potassium and calcium, as licorice root tends to leach you of these vital nutrients. Potassium Broth, kefir, broccoli soup, and Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc supplements are highly recommended.
Gotu Kola is a nervine, which means it feeds the brain and nervous system. It also feeds the endocrine system as well and has a very nice energizing, yet calming affect. It's much like caffeine without any of the negative side effects.
Take the RDA of Vitamin B1 daily, and a tablespoon of lecithin, or a choline supplement (much more expensive than lecithin). Also important are Vitamin C, Iodine, Nickel and Tin.
Eat Bieler Broth as often as possible. Bieler Broth is full of safe, organic salts, which feed the adrenals.
If you have a bad case of Addison's Disease, you may want to take Gland Caps. You should only take Adrenal Support Gland Caps as a single supplement if you are under the care of a practioner, but it is pretty safe to take a full-spectrum (all the glands) gland cap support such as Solaray's for 2-3 weeks.
Some practitioners prescribe Cortisol to replace what the adrenals aren't putting out. This is risky and should only be done after both saliva and blood tests, and in very small amounts to start with. The practitioner should have an end date in mind, this is not something to take indefinitely.
As always, liver cleansing and semi-fasting will speed up recovery times.
If you also have low stomach acid, then you are deficient in Nickel. Nickel is actually an essential trace mineral and its lack will lead to adrenal insuficiency. Supplementing with zinc and vitamin E will further reduce nickel, so if you need Skin Food, are getting lots of Skin Food and have low adrenals, eat foods rich in nickel to maintain the balance: legumes, peas, kichadi, hot whole grain cereals, oysters.
Thank you and God Bless
BB
If Satan comes knocking at your door, just say " Jesus can you get that for me" |
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