| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| MsCwick |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 11:32:59 AM
I'm not generally one to gossip what goes on within my own home, but lately my husband and I have been at arms with eachother. Some of you may know that we own our own painting business, so there are times when we are together 24/7. My husband did not have the childhood I did, and he is not precautious about anything. When it comes to our business, he is careless with money and sometimes with situation on the job as well. I feel like every day that goes by we become less and less alike. We are total opposites to the point where I feel as though it is damaging for me to respect him. I have a lot of good morals and values, and I do not want to let go of them to get along with my husband. We both should be PROgressing to become better people, not REgressing. I know I should respect my husband seeing that he is the man of the house and he and OUR business provides for me/us, but I find him not worthy of my respect 95% of the time. I dont want to go on and on about him, and all the things I "feel" as though he does wrong, or just doesn't do the way I would. I actually brought up the idea of us getting seperated lastnight, and all he wants is to keep the business and for me to keep the house. He sais I couldn't support myself, when I am the one who has lived on my own for several years, and he never has. He has no concept of maintaining our belongings. We have four vehicles bought within the last 16 months, and all of them are ready for the junkyard. One with a blown engine, been sitting at my dad's for almost a year, one he sideswiped a brick building because he was backing up not paying attention, and a nice 85 chevy pickup that has engine problems, and suspension problems, and he just keeps driving it. I have told him how unprofessional it looks for him to pull up and for a customer to see how poorly he takes care of his own belongings, but he is too busy playing video games when he gets home. He stays up til 3 and won't wake up til 10. He drinks a beer or two on the way home, and doesn't abide by very many driving rules. I've told him 15 times the brakes in my car are making noise. I've begged him and bagained with him to get him to help me clean my car.He thinks he just works sooo hard and that at the end of the day he is entitled to sit on his throne of a sofa and not lift a finger. Even if we both work and both put in the same hours, he still doesn't think he should help around the house after work. We are also going to run out of firewood in the next few days, but he has been saying he will cut more for 2 months, and that has yet to happen. He won't ever help me with projects around the house, like repairing plumbing or helping me build the raised beds(which is REALLY simple), he wants NOTHING to do with ANYTHING that interests me. He says all the things I like are for 14 year olds, and I'm the immature one. I'm real immature for wanting to grow my own vegetables, or for liking to take a walk in the woods.
I feel alone. I feel like we are just going through the motions of marriage, but there is no union. I just want him to take care of our things, and me as well. I know this stuff is not normal. I know he has very little respect for me, and honestly, I can';t say that I have hardly any for him. The only thing he brings to this household is money, and I have to manage whatever is left after his frivolous spending.
What do I do? I've tried to get him to go to church with me. I've tried to absorb myself in movies and video games, but it's just like we have built a wall between eachother with no ways in, and no flexibility. I cried and cried this morning so tonight he wants us to go to the mall(my idea with NO money) just to walk around and grab a bite to eat. Mall is an hour away so this is quite a treat, but should I really have to cry and act like a fool to get him to go out or do something with me??? He thinks he just works sooo hard and that at the end of the day he is entitled to sit on his throne of a sofa and not lift a finger. I really hope that all men are not this careless. Could this come with him being 22/23 on Feb 17?? I will be 25, and I feel like his grandmother, which I know isn't right.
What to I do?!?!?! Our three year anniversary is July 1, and I don't think I can make it 6 more months.
Heart broken |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Oct 09 2014 : 2:32:44 PM
Have just re-read this thread. Amazing. |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Feb 19 2007 : 8:31:23 PM
Thanks Brenda -- it hasn't been a picnic but it certainly has never been DULL! ;) While we were at Cabrillo NM in San Diego this weekend one of the Navy destroyers was on the way out and I was praying for the guys and their families. It's an honor to serve even on the days when I don't want to be an Army wife ANYMORE!!
Blessings to all
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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| brightmeadow |
Posted - Feb 17 2007 : 06:00:41 AM
Jo, I've been reading Jim Wallace and Sojourner's magazine so perhaps I have become sensitized to the "Christian vs. non-Christian" thing - under our current political administration it seems almost that liberal and moderate Christians are not even considered Christians anymore, that only the conservative Christians get recognition as being Christian... wonder how that came about? You are so right we DO need to focus on how we are the same, not how we are different, or as you put it "what connects us rather than what divides us" - come to think of it that is a good rule to follow in our marriages also!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| ponyexpress |
Posted - Feb 16 2007 : 8:07:59 PM
Reverse puberty -- I absolutely love the term! A new word for my limited vocabulary - Thanks, Jo!
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age...but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty" |
| jo Thompson |
Posted - Feb 16 2007 : 6:16:47 PM
brenda, love your blog, very easy to read, nicely organized!! To be honest, I get concerned sometimes, about a possible christian versus non christian sentiment. Frankly, I think it's becoming a national phenomenon. I really think it's important to see what connects us as opposed to what divides us............ I don't think any of us take the whole divorce thing lightly. In my middle years, I certainly see marriage in a different light than I did in my eager to please early years. Reverse puberty has a way of loosening your lip and not tolerating anything really from anybody.
So young lassies........ some of us oldsters are just a bit mouthier, more protective. We really want you to not make the mistakes that perhaps we gandered a long time back. We dream of happy, happy times, husbands who treat you to the delights that you are. These are difficult times for families. We may not be all christians here but we are loving, good people who wish the very best for each other, who are bound to this earth and want to protect it and everyone in it.
The snow is beginning to fall again today, may your fires keep you warm, and your love keep you happy..... jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
| brightmeadow |
Posted - Feb 16 2007 : 1:58:17 PM
Holly, I was thinking of you this morning while I was at work. I know you must have had a lot of rough times with your husband away as much as half of your married life. It must be really hard to bear missing him so much, knowing what he is going through, and worrying constantly about his safety. You, and all the other wives of our military guys, really carry a big burden raising your family almost alone, and the whole country owes you a debt of gratitude for your sacrifices. At least you have the comfort of knowing that he would be with you if he could.
I was also pondering where exactly, in this thread, I got the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing that I was being accused of not being a Christian. I wondered (without going back and finding the post again to quote it exactly) if maybe it was possibly because someone wrote something about the Christians advising "No divorce" and the non-religious people arguing for "divorce" and that Christine sounded like a religious person... and my point seemingly being missed, that sometimes divorce CAN be a Christian option. Maybe I am too sensitive based on previous experience in my "real" life!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Feb 16 2007 : 07:41:17 AM
Thanks Shannon -- I hope it didn't sound like I was whining and fishing for compliments, it just chaps my hide at times! ;)
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Feb 16 2007 : 07:04:12 AM
Holly THANKYOU for standing by your husband and supporting him through military life. I can't even imagine all the sacrifices you have had to make to do this. I thank God that there are wives out there like you. And please thank your husband for his service. God Bless your family.
Shannon
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
| primjillie |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 6:25:53 PM
I don't see anyone here who is advocating divorce for little or no reason. Most of the women here have tried long and hard to make their marriages work, and sadly, not all marriages can be saved. It makes me sad to read the posts from others that think otherwise. It also makes me sad that some people think badly of the women that think of themselves. If we don't think of ourselves, who is going to? Not our young children, not our family who have we have banned from our family so they don't interfere with bonding with our husband, not our friends who we can't vent to because it might hurt our husband's ego, not our husband who we can't bother with our problems - so who does that leave? I believe if you look after yourself first, everyone and everything else falls in place. For example - on an airplane, the stewardesses always stress - put your own oxygen mask on first or you won't be able to help anyone. Does this mean you always have to get your way and pout if you don't? No it doesn't. It means that sometimes you get your way, sometimes your hubby gets it way, and most of the time the kids get their way! I don't know if I really have a point here - people have very different marriages and what works for one person doesn't work for another. But I would rather a women err on the side of her safety and her sanity than stick with a marriage and be unhappy most of her life (and set a bad example for our children's version of marriage).
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| brightmeadow |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 5:34:04 PM
Holly - I'm sorry I offended you with the use of the "s" word. Reading back over what I wrote, I can see how you would take it the way you did, and I apologize, although I didn't mean it that way. I really was begging you NOT to be smug (in the future?) rather than saying you were (in the past)... Please forgive my slip. I wish I was as skilled as Mary Ann at getting my meaning across without being offensive, but I'm not, and that's just how it is, although I do try to improve. You're right it is difficult in this medium to give all the non-verbal cues to what you mean, including the tentative smiles and the hugs... Hope you forgive me?
I'm not sure who I was getting the condemnation vibe from, but I was sure feeling it. Glad to know it wasn't you.
Shannon -
You said -
"He works from sun up, til sun down, through the night, and for months straight with no days off sometimes. He is a hard working farmer, he deserves my respect and admiration and he has it."
I have to tell you that when I started dating the wonderful man who is now my husband it went like this:
I told a co-worker who was husband-shopping that I didn't have time to go looking for a husband, if I was ever to get married again, he would have to find me. And by the way, if you please God, let him be a farmer! Another guy who heard this was amazed, he went home and told his mother, who couldn't believe that anyone would want to marry a farmer. They had quite a big discussion in the office at my expense... I stuck to my guns, because I thought that a farmer would be someone who shared my values, and who would have been raised to believe in the same things I did.
And it wasn't even a week later that my future husband called me out of the blue on a business-related issue that required a short car trip. After our business was over, and he was driving me back to the plant, he mentioned that he was going to his farm for the weekend. Suddenly, my radar went on! Those darn DING DING DING bells were going off again, I quickly snuck a peak at his left hand and saw no ring! I made some discreet inquiries, found out he wasn't seeing anyone, and the rest is history.
One of his friends who is a minister invited us over a few months after we were married, and his wife asked me, "Did you pray for him?" I replied that I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I guess I did, and she said that we had her blessing, then. That when God sends your mate to you, nobody had better get in the way.
And she has certainly proven right. He is my soul mate. We enjoy a lot of the same things but have enough differences to keep it interesting. We work together on things like splitting wood and keeping the firebox filled up, and doing dishes, and putting in the garden. He does the mowing, and I do the picking, and he does the snowplowing, and I do the cooking, he does the chain saw and I do the shopping.... and we both pay a housekeeper to come and do the stuff we both hate like mopping and vacuuming and cleaning the toilets! We talk stuff over, and when we disagree, we can agree to disagree, without it affecting our relationship. And he comes home for dinner every night, when he's not driving home from halfway across the country, and he always says at the end "That was a good meal"... And I tell him every day and every night how thankful I am that God sent him to me.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 4:57:02 PM
I agree with Shannon. and just to clarify I didn't mean that all abuse isn't serious, just that not all abuse is serious enough to divorce over or even leave the house. Which I am sure will hack somebody else off but it's myho and I'm sticken to it! ;) There are times for seperation and for divorce and there are times to stay and work it out.
It seems to me that so much of the attitude is all about me -- what I want when I want it -- sound familar? maybe like a two year old?--- and not about loving hubby and putting his needs ahead of my own when necessary. No I'm not pointing fingers just saying what I see in soceity today.
Again.... I could have easily bailed on my marriage already. I mean let's see we got married, he went to basic, he went to Korea for 17 months -- meanwhile back at the ranch I was preggers and raising our eldest daughter on my own for the first two years of our marriage. I'm not kidding when I say we've been married 18years in April and he's been home like 9. But is that REALLY a reason for divorce? Two tours to Iraq, another tour to Korea, coming up on 12 moves, STRESS out the wazoo? Ummm no. Is it hard yeah sure ya bet ya! But would I trade it? Nope not for all the lessons the Lord has taught me through it.
To often when I get caught up in my needs is when life looks bleak but when I purposely step out and take care of others, my own problems don't look so bad. And that includes my husband! He works his booty off for this country and gets very little thanks so if that means that his affirmation and thanks comes from me than that's the way it's gotta be.
Please see my previous post on submission being a military term.
Holly
ps-- sorry if I sound annoyed, I am a bit that all my posts are being twisted or so it seems, but I am also sad about the state of marriage in our country and that so many women on this board seem to think it's fine. If I'm wrong about that then I'm wrong but I will not apologize for being a Christian or for beleiving that God can do anything even heal a seemingly hopeless marriage. Blessings to you all.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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| primjillie |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 3:14:06 PM
Shannon ~ I'm not saying you mentioned the "serious" abuse, I think it was another poster and I just don't understand the term. Your marriage is obviously not for everyone. However, if you are truly happy and would not mind if your daughters grew up and entered a marriage like yours, then more power to you. But just realize, that most people would not be happy living this way (including me), so your advice doesn't get received well. I do agree that most young people do take marriage too lightly. I cringe when I see young girls marry, have children, divorce, get married again, more children, etc. I know in CA there is a no fault divorce clause, so you don't even need a reason. On the other hand, I am a very independent person and if I wasn't happy in a marriage and had done everything I could to make it happy (happy for both of us, not just one), I would divorce even if there was no abuse or adultery. I always keep in mind that the good times should outweigh the bad times. |
| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 1:55:34 PM
When I said the word serious I was not even thinking about abuse. I was thinking "serious relationship issues". I was not making light of any kind of abuse and a women as a perfectly good right to leave any kind of abusive situation. I do not believe she will be comdemned to hell or any such punishment.
But I do feel like marriage is taken lightly these days and people get out when things get hard. And by saying "when things get hard" I am not meaning any way, shape, or form of abuse. My posts have nothing to do with abuse. If you are being abused get out. I am not being abused just because my husband wants a clean house and dinner on the table. He works from sun up, til sun down, through the night, and for months straight with no days off sometimes. He is a hard working farmer, he deserves my respect and admiration and he has it. And if that man wants sex and I am tired I will muster up what ever strength I can and give it to him. Even if I'm not in the mood. Again I am not talking about being raped or abused. I do not nag him, I do not put him down, I treat him like a King. And when I started doing that he started treating me like his Queen. If I would of bailed when marriage didn't turn out how I expected, my life and children would have been miserable. All for the sake of being a strong independant woman, answering to no man. Again I am not talking about staying in any sort of abusive situatation.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
| babysmama |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 12:06:04 PM
I'm not sor divorce either, because in the Bible it states that marriage is until "Death do you part". I am Catholic, and do believe in annulments when there is an actual case of deception or other good reason for considering the marriage invaliad (as in the case where your husband was married before). Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT think that a woman should put up with abuse and I totally agree with seperation when the marriage is a situation that will not improve and/or could cause harm to the wife/husband. And if a divorce is needed to obtain spousal or child support or other legal issues then so be it. BUT, in the last six or seven divorces that I have heard of from family and friends everything seemed to be okay with the marriage, then the wife found a new man, left her husband and then complained about how horrible her marriage had been. I can understand that there are some marriages where women keep silent and suffer without anyone knowing it but I think many women find a new man and then start making excuses about why they HAD to leave the marriage and why it was so bad. I'm not saying anyone on this board has done that, I just want to state that too many couples turn outside of their marriages when there is trouble. If a marriage is so bad then by all means leave, but don't find a new man and then decide it is time to leave! |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 09:42:47 AM
Oh Brenda, I'm so relieved to see that your dilemmas are part of the past! I was worried about you all night last night, and through chores this morning. I don't mean to minimize it by saying it was in the past; it had to have been very painful at the time. I'm just glad to see you don't have to live that life currently.
All those things I said really are the 'correct' way to approach such a situation, but it only works if the guy is receptive. Yours would not have been. Even as I knew I was saying the 'right' things, I felt hopeless and heartbroken for you. The same kind of guys who stay out drinking rarely respond to their partner in a caring adult manner.
Your story is quite a testimony, and I appreciate you sharing it.
I think a lot of us are getting hung up on definitions of words. What a good marriage consists of, what abuse consists of, and what women find acceptable in their relationships might work for one of us and not for another. Getting angry or splitting hairs over definitions can be a defense mechanism if one feels afraid that things aren't really what they should be, or if they feel like they have to justify their choices. It makes it easier to continue denial if one can feel affronted.
But anger is generally just another face of fear. Fear there's really nothing better in the future. Fear that he's right, you really are a loser/pig/b!tch/ugly. Fear that you really can't make it alone. Fear that your family, your community, or your God will think you bailed pointlessly or selfishly. When you know your marriage is terrific, you feel no fear and therefore no anger. If you find yourself angry at some of these things, perhaps it's time to look into your heart and reassess.
Leaving a marriage is easy to say, but so very difficult to do. The sense of loss, the grief for what might have been, the sense of social isolation and public failure can push many women into staying in less than satisfying marriages. I think we need to have sympathy and lend a shoulder to women who are faced with some of these less than perfect relationships, especially when they're problematic but she's just not ready or needing to walk out over it. Many times I've heard women say that they wished he'd just hit them, and make the decision more clear cut. We tend to want black and white, right or wrong easy solutions. Deciding to leave or deciding to stay can be very complicated and heart wrenching. We need the understanding of our sister farmgirls, not their censure. |
| primjillie |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:31:26 AM
I don't understand when some people mention "serious" abuse - isn't all abuse serious? If is it bad enough to be considered abuse, I don't think it matters if it is serious or not, it is still abuse. And emotional or verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes worse, so just because your husband isn't beating you, you can still be abused. I would hate to hear someone say they didn't leave their husband because they weren't being "seriously" abused. I am glad to hear the sentiments of some of these women who are strong and can stand up for themselves. I was getting a little worried reading some of the posts. I've always thought the advice about wanting your children to learn from your relationship helpful - would you want your daughter to live with a man and put up with whatever problems you might be having - that is to say what advice would you give your daughter (or son) if their spouse was treating them the way you were being treated. I hope that makes sense! |
| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:29:19 AM
Brenda I worried all morning thinking you thought I implied that you did something to deserve being treated like that. I got back on here to make sure you knew I wasn't blaming you for making him not want to come home. I'm glad you left him because that was serious and I really didn't have an answer for you. I will mind my own business now and get started on my bread making. I'm glad everything turned out well for you.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:06:16 AM
Excuse me but I am not being smug in any sense of the word! I know what emotional abuse is because I've been through it as well.
See that's the prob with email -- no inflection or concern shows.
I never said you or anyone else isn't a Christain and I don't appreciate that implication as well.......I know Christain's who've been divorced, but I also know ones who haven't. My point was that all to often we are to quick to jump to that as the first resort instead of the last! You're right you CAN'T do it but God CAN. Yes there are times for divorce but again it shouldn't be the first option which is what is coming across in many of these posts --- oh you don't like the way he's treating you? You don't deserve that! Get out. You think I haven't had trying times in my marriage? PUHLEEZE! Don't still? OH yeah! But it's a commitment and to often these days even people in the Church/professing beleivers take it to lightly (not saying you did just that's the general point here).
I know way to many wives who give up cause hubby has to be gone, take thier husband for all thier worth, run up bills, drink & party, or run around with someone else on post while they are thinking I'll hurt him the way I hurt and it doesn't! To many go into marriage thinking it's all peaches and cream and not just plain old hard work at times! Wives who wish somebody would have told them before they got married there will be times when you won't like each other, when you wonder "Why on earth did I marry him?", when you hurt each other because only God can meet all your needs and not your husband or your wife because the other person comes with there own baggage as well, BUT it can be done in spite of all those things!
I would never tell someone to stay in a home where serious emotional or physical abuse is going on, or adultery (in your case it's the verse about your sins will find you out) weather it's obivous or not --- however I wouldn't tell them to divorce immediatly either but to try counseling and boundaries, etc because I've seen marriages healed that most people would have given up on long before (prob including me!).
Please go back and read all my posts before condeming me as well.
Holly
ps... and I am NOT one of those who beleives divorce is unpardonable or those who have should be shunned. My God is bigger than that.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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| brightmeadow |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 05:26:23 AM
Well, thanks to those that have offered sympathy and advice about the situation I painted, but I guess I wasn't clear enough- those things happened to me in what now seems like another lifetime. I divorced him. Yes, divorce was the answer.
10 years later the Catholic church granted me an "anulment" because my first husband had been previously married, officially recognizing that we had never had a spiritual marriage in the first place. Had he not been previously married it might have made it a more difficult situation.
I am very happily married now to a wonderful Catholic man who is an equal partner in our relationship - we don't have these issues. Ever! He is the nicest man in the whole world and he treats me like a queen. I thank God for leading me to him every day.
Mary Ann, you gave exactly the textbook answer and the one that my therapist suggested. You also pointed out, rightly, that it was the hurt and abandonment that was the real issue- I kept asking myself "what did I do wrong?" as if it mattered what I did or what kind of home I provided. What is wrong with me? was a question I constantly asked myself. Am I crazy? I wish the youarenotcrazy.com website had been available back then!
What happened was, when I gave him the ultimatum, he laughed at me, he didn't care, I stopped cooking for him altogether, I cooked for myself and my daughters, and he ate out.
The Sunday afternoon thing didn't work - Sundays were a special treat for us. (Sarcasm here, if you didn't pick it up from the text) If I went to church, he would not go, and when I got home he was gone. If I stayed home, he would play a game with us. He would offer to take us out to dinner, but I had to pick the restaurant when we got in the car. Then if it wasn't the restaurant he wanted, I would have to pick another one. We would end up driving around for an hour sometimes before I guessed the right restaurant. One time I remember in particular, after driving around for a while, he picked a piece of lint off my coat, starting calling me names like fat pig and sl*t, said I didn't take care of myself, and drove us home (without eating). I had trained myself not to cry because crying made him more abusive, but that time the tears were rolling down my face although no noise was coming out... He dumped us off at home and left, was gone until Monday after work.
In my case, I found out 10 years into my marriage through trying to stick with it, that he had a mistress the entire time we were married. He married her after our divorce, and now he has another mistress. He never admitted the affair to me, but when his new wife found out about his new mistress she called me and apologized, which was the final confirmation. Someone else mentioned denial in an earlier post. Well, I guess I was in denial. My point is, often the person being cheated upon is the last to know about the affair. And I found evidence of the affair in what I believe was an answer to prayer.
Adultery is justification for divorce in even the most conservative Christian sects - but what if it's a secret? You know you don't have a spiritual marriage, you just don't know why.
That is why I feared for Christine, because in her first posts she said a few things that really struck a chord with me.
"He drinks a beer or two on the way home, and doesn't abide by very many driving rules."
"He said he'd try to be back around lunch time, and here it is 3:30, and he said now he might be back by dark."
Obviously, if these things are occasional, they happen to all of us at one time or another. But if it is a pattern of behavior, it is definitely a symptom of abuse.
The more she explains, it is obvious that it is not the same situation that I endured for far too many years.
Here are a few more things she said in an earlier post that are also symptomatic of emotional abuse (again, if they are a pattern, and not occasional):
"He said I couldn't support myself, when I am the one who has lived on my own for several years, and he never has.
He says all the things I like are for 14 year olds, and I'm the immature one.
I know he has very little respect for me, and honestly, I can';t say that I have hardly any for him.
I've tried to get him to go to church with me.
My dad made a comment that Josh was just keeping me medicated so I wouldn't care about all the nonsense.
Maybe it's not depression? Maybe I'm bi polar, and thats why I can go from fine to fighting over something that wasnt just picture perfect a week ago??
Deep down, the garden thing to Josh is really neat, but he knows nothing about gardening or growing plants, so he's kind of unaccepting of something he knows nothing about."
Those are the things that she said that made alarm bells go off in my head DING DING DING DING. Check out the http:///www.youarenotcrazy.com web site and compare these statements to the symptoms they list. But this forum certainly doesn't give us the full picture! The more she explains, it sounds like this is not typical behavior for Josh.
Holly, you said divorce is not an answer except for adultery or serious abuse. Do you
really think that emotional abuse is not "serious" abuse? Believe me, it is. Don't belittle it. I don't mean to attack you, but don't be smug because you know that Christians don't get divorced. Don't you realize that I am also a Christian? A deeply committed Christian? It is very insulting to have my faith slammed because I got a divorce. And it really disturbs me that other women reading the comments here who might be in an abusive situation would stay in it because of similar comments.
Shortly after I got married, when I mentioned a few problems to a coworker who I thought was a friend - her response was, "you made your bed, now lie in it". I was afraid of what people would think for far too long.
I do not advocate people getting divorced lightly or for trivial reasons. But if one partner is not committed to making the marriage work, the other one CANNOT do it by themselves.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| jo Thompson |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 11:22:11 PM
I would suggest another book for you, it's called "The Dance of Anger", it describes exactly the types of behavior you all have been depicting. It relates passive-aggressive behavior in relationships and how destructive and non-productive that behavior can be instead of direct communication. Alot of the women speaking on this thread have been where you are and I think we are a long way down that path. I am very grateful that I have reached a different level in my life. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 9:48:41 PM
Ummm yes I can envision it, more than you know, but is hurting him back really going to accomplish anything? I heard it said one time that bitterness is drinking posion hoping it will kill the other person.
Divorce simply isn't an option in our marriage - except for adultry or serious abuse. To many people want out these days because of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Being an inconsiderate jerk isn't a reason to divorce someone -- is he cheating on you? Even that can be healed! I've seen it. Do boundaries need to be set? Some issues worked through? obviously. But divorce shouldn't be the first thing we jump to just because we are hurt; and by boundaries I don't mean ultimatum's or "if you....then I...." statements.
My husband has hurt me deeply in the past but forgiveness is more for me and my children than for him.
Trying to see things from his perspective often works wonders. I highly recommend the book "Men are like waffles, Women are like spaghetti" and yes it comes from a Christian perspective but it really helped me get a handle (or at least the beginings of one) on the differences in the way we think. I'm not saying that makes what he's doing right... but the old saying about two wrongs don't make a right still rings true.
just myho,
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 9:34:06 PM
I just read your post Brenda. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would definintly try counseling or get a book to help you. Of course he would probably not go, but you could work on you. One time we were at a wedding reception and I was 7 months pregnant and had my 2 year old son. Well it was getting late and our son was tired and I couldn't hold him anymore. I told my husband probably 5 times it was time to go, but he was having fun drinking with the boys. Which he never gets to do. Finally he blew up at me and said he would find his own ride home. So I got in the truck and left him standing there looking at me like "What do I do now?" He cam home a few hours later and I couldn't stand laying next to him. So I packed up our son and went to my mom's house at like 3am. His mom happened to call me the next morning for something and I told her what happened. She told his Dad and he had a talk with my husband. I really scared him when I left, he realized how much he had to lose and of course we worked it all out after that. Could you leave for a few days and scare the pants off him?
Oh yeah this was before my submission days and one of the things that helped me realize how unloved he felt at home. I couldn't understand how he could do that to his son and pregnant wife he supposedly loved. Until I looked at things from his prospective. I'm happy to say nothing even remotely like this has happened again. I hope you find the right answer for you.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:52:16 PM
Holly can you envision the way that Brenda must have felt when she was treated the way she was? The kick to her self-esteem and deep, DEEP hurt? It obviously didn't happen just one time.
"Kill him with kindness" ???? At what point would enough be enough?
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| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:42:34 PM
Thank you girls for worrying about me. It's so hard to post things when that's all people see and they don't know the whole picture. I just want to give you some back ground so you are not so worried about me.:)
I grew up a "city" girl, latch key kid, in a broken, but very loving home. Not just one broken marriage, but many. Fast food was a staple and life was all about "You only live once". I never had to cook or clean I was very much an independent tom boy. OK so I married a very traditional farm boy. He left the Marines when we got married and moved back to the family farm that he runs with his dad. I got pregnant a month later (on purpose, very naive, I know). It was time for me to step up and be a farm wife and mother and I desperatly wanted to, but had know idea how or the discipline to. He would get mad at me after coming home working all day and the house would be a mess, because I was out shopping, hanging out with friends, or doing projects I wanted to do. I didn't have anything planned for dinner and most of the time didn't care because he could cook for himself. I would get hurt because he was supposed to love me know matter what not just when the house was clean and dinner was on the table. So I would go cry to my friends and family about how mean he was and they fed into it and encouraged my bad feelings towards him.
Then I started listening to the Christian radio station and getting these crazy submitting ideas. I realized by not doing these things for him I was making him feel unloved. Which at the time I had no concept of that, I just figured he was a big boy why couldn't he clean up after himself and feed himself. I'm not his mom. I finally asked him one time how it made him feel and he said like I didn't care about him. So I started doing these things for him and oh my goodness, he started doing things for me that I used to have to nag him about. We started growing closer instead of apart. I quit talking about him to my friends and respecting him instead. Yes he still drives me crazy sometimes, but we are closer now and get over lifes bumps faster. I am very passionate about this because it saved my marriage and I see it in so many young marriages since I opened my eyes to my own mistakes. I think my generation of girls is very selfish and we don't even realize it, because we have only been fed womens lib. We never experienced what it was really like for the women before us. We just took it to the next level because we've always been taught men are pigs, we are just as strong and smart maybe even smarter, and we are always right. That is where I'm coming from, so need to to worry I'm a very happy submissive wife.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:11:38 PM
I learned from many mistakes in my first marriage, too--some mine, some his, but what I learned most was to "thine own self be true"...now, that may sound selfish to some of you gals, but I'm a giver to the point that I forget about myself--usually to folks who don't give back, and I went against many personal values because my ex was an alcoholic--it was just easier. I found some personal boundaries, and I've kept them, and it makes me a better wife, a better person, a better friend. Things (that are valid) that make me angry, or hurt, he knows it right then and there. There's no silent treatment, or pushing it under the rug for later. And I value the same thing from him--nothing is worse than being in trouble for something you didn't know you did 7 months ago!
We spend more time together now, that his job hours are similar to mine, so, oddly enough, time apart is really key--individualism within our marriage keeps us strong, also. We like to do different things, and we like to do similar things. The similar things we do are better when we've had some space!
Our "on track" has some bumps for sure--everyone does, but when things are bumpy, I really try to remember why I chose him. Environments change, we change physically, but at our core--what was it (is it?) about his core that I loved and still love and admire?
I'll tell you what, and it's no big secret--even when I'm wrong, he loves me. Even when he's wrong, I love him, too. I do my best--and so does he. When either of us fall short of our alliegances to one another, we know it--I don't need to tell him that he disappointed me or vice versa--and we try to do better. None of us are perfect, and all we can do in our lives is to endeavor to be better than we were yesterday.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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