| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:28:33 PM
Sorry in advance for being so personal,but I'm stuck and need answers.
I moved into my house last Summer,and the neighbor lady has a Daughter, named Sally close to my little ones age.Well being that moving is so stressful on children,I allowed my Daughter to play with Sally,even when it was draining,and I felt like the free babysitter,with no thank you.Well as the Months went by it hasn't gotten much better.I mentioned to the Mother I have Mono/CFS syndrome,along with that I have my own life,and family time and hobbies-gardening,cooking-you get the picture.But she doesn't seem to care.And just plows ahead,and has Sally come over before calling and saying "My Mommy says I can stay til 5:30" Or she will have little Sally call me,and ask to come over,on my answeing machine.But instead of waiting for me to call back,Sally just comes over.This happens everyday,or nearly everyday.And in Summer it was afternoon til dark 7 days a week if I let it happen.I feel really bad,because in a way I feel like I helped create this use and abuse,since I allowed it. I feel taken advantage of,the Mother knows what she is doing,she used to have day care at her own house.She is very pushy too,last week she had Sally call,and leave the, "can I come over"? message.And I called right back to let her know that I'm sorta busy.Well she just ran right over my words,and Sally was on my door step before I had any say.The Mother says her Hubby feels bad she wants to come over here so much,and misses her(as if trying to guilt me).Yet he's the one that sends her here as soon as Wifey leaves to take her oldest to after school activity or work(she's hardly ever home,because of so many after school things,and part time jobs,don't get me started on that).I'm made to feel guilt after watching Sally,yet I always say to my neighbor in a nice way, well Sally should have more family time,or more time with her daddy,then the Mother is silent,or giggles.They both took 1 week off work x mas vacation week,and guess what,they still had her try to come over.I did dodge her a few days on x mas vacation,but my goodness this is just pathetic.I can't go out in my front yard without the phone ringing and Sally is asking to come and play,I feel stalked sorta.I don't know what to do.The more firm I am,I just get a chilly reaction,yet she send Sally over anyway.
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Feb 17 2007 : 1:03:13 PM
quote:
Originally posted by sweetoatmealhill
Hopefully I'm not repeating anything as I don't have time right now to read all responses, but how about letting the little girl come over a set number of times a week and then it's over? Then you are blessing her as it's obvious her parents are twits, but you are not being run over. Their behavior is abusive to you, and your setting limits is definitely something I'd back you on for yourself and your family. If you don't want her over at all any more then do that, but definitely take a stand for yourself, no doubt.
I do allow her to come now,but the mother has this new attitude that is very *itchy towards me because she can't use me anymore.Its a shame,but thats life. |
| sweetoatmealhill |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 5:56:48 PM
Hopefully I'm not repeating anything as I don't have time right now to read all responses, but how about letting the little girl come over a set number of times a week and then it's over? Then you are blessing her as it's obvious her parents are twits, but you are not being run over. Their behavior is abusive to you, and your setting limits is definitely something I'd back you on for yourself and your family. If you don't want her over at all any more then do that, but definitely take a stand for yourself, no doubt. |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Feb 10 2007 : 12:22:11 PM
Way to go standing your ground! Yes, people can be sad. I feel sorry for your neighbor, glad though that you are keeping your boundaries. It is too bad that she is a sorry mother.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia, Nathanael |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Feb 10 2007 : 12:14:12 PM
Here is an update. Samantha was invited to Sally's birthday party a while back,about December.Well a few weeks back,the mother called to let me know the party was still on.But during the conversation,she kept asking is something wrong?I said Sally can come over on weekends when I approve (I made sure to say everything as nice as possible).I brought up my CFS.And the fact that I can't be having kids over during working hours.Well,she sort of took that well, I suppose.The next Friday after that phone call,she called and asked if Sally could come over Saturday,I did say yes.Well Saturday morning-nothing-Saturday afternoon 1:30,the phone rings,neighbor asks if Sally can come from the hours of 2-5pm to "play" I said well no,I have some shopping to do.Sally can come now for 1 hour.Neighbor replies,well Sally is shoveling the driveway,she is earning some money.I said well,okay then sorry.Then she chimes in,I will have to take her to work then,maybe she can come later.I basically said no,it will be too late,sorry.Fast forward to her party 1 week later,and she snubbed me,and my husband.Didn't introduce us to he dear friend she kept telling me she wanted to do since summer.Well little Sally was so happy to see all of us,she begged right at the party to come over to the house as soon as the party ended,I was having a pretty good day physically,and the girls hadn't seen eachother for a few weeks,so I said ok,if your mom says alright.Well the mother looks at me like I'm this monster,and asks well if it really is okay,are your sure?I don't want to push her on you.
I said I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it,come on now.Well Sally came over played,and that was that.I explained to sally about being busy,and grownups having to work,and spend time with family.Then I walked her home,and the mother was playing the sad sack card,trying to guilt me as best as she could.I kept it cool,and friendly.But the much needed distance is there.Its a matter of time before the winter is over,and Sally is outside back to her routine.We'll see what happens though. I guess it just really hurt me that a mother could use her neighbor,and push her child away on other's to veil her as a playmate,but infact she really is using her to get a baby sitter,so blatant.And then to try to guilt hard working,loving mother's to feel bad.What right does she have to do that,and not feel bad? I hope someday she see's what she is doing to her family,and others.
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| lilpunkin |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 3:05:47 PM
Do you have an update on how this situation is going?
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. |
| EmmJay |
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 4:24:18 PM
I must say that I agree with alot of the advise. I too have had friends of my children want to be here, and still call me mom.
The latest one is younger than my son, and was coming three or four times a week, and would spend the night.
There was a time, when I was working that I pulled into the driveway, and his mother was waiting in her car to drop him off. I smiled and replied that I was terribly sorry to hold anyone up. I can be quite sarcastic at times.....
After this, I started asking the boy to do chores (My son does them, so why not?) Needless to say, he still comes over, but not nearly as often, and he will help with chores. I think it was a win win situation.
"Thank GOD I'm a country girl"
http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o134/EmmJay07/ |
| Bluewrenn |
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 1:46:50 PM
Just an addition to the above - my sister was a schoolteacher who taught 3rd grade. She had one little boy whose family lived outside of town way up in the hills and as a result the little boy didn't make it to school every day. (Mom was too lazy or too busy or whatever to take him.) Anyhow, my sister (who just happened to be pregnant at the time with her first baby) made arrangements with social services and the mother to have the little boy stay with her during the week and then go home with his mom on the weekends, and mom was welcome to come visit any time she wanted. This lasted for few months and then my sister got slapped with a lawsuit claiming she was abusing the little boy - after she was feeding and clothing and supporting the little boy for all this time. The boy's mom filed a lawsuit against her and tried to get her arrested. This of course meant that the school had to suspend my sister from her teaching job and all the parents were informed of why she was suspended. The school and her teacher's union got her an attorney and the charges were proven to be unfounded, but not only was my sister's reputation ruined, but she will never be able to teach again because her confidence as a teacher is GONE. And she almost lost her own baby as a result of the stress.
My Homesteading Journal http://toomyvara.livejournal.com
My craft journal http://bluewrenn.livejournal.com
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| Bluewrenn |
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 1:38:03 PM
In this day and age, you have to protect yourself and your family. Now, I grew up with a dad that took in all kinds of strays, esp. stray kids, but you just cannot do that anymore. What if something happens to the child while she is over there at your house I.e. she falls and busts a tooth - her parents can sue you.
Believe me, while we would like to think that this neighbor would not do this, look at her behavior - she is exactly the kind of parent who would sue you for everything you have after she has spent all this time taking advantage of you. DO NOT, DO NOT, do not let this mother do this to you. Put your foot down. While it may break your heart to do this to Sally, you have to be proactive and protect yourself.
For me also, I would be worried about the parents trying to claim that something "happened" over there at your house. With the constant threat of child molesters and so forth in today's society, you cannot afford to have unsupervised children on your property. All it takes is one accusation (true or not) to ruin your husband's life forever...
If you want to have Sally over to play with your child, tell the mom that she HAS to be there to supervise her own child. Period. For the entire time that Sally is there. AND that she has to call you at least a day or two in advance to set up a play date.
Then I would start scheduling activities for your child that do not involve being at home. Schedule a play date for her with another child. Enroll her in ballet or something.
If you still feel bad for Sally, send her a small gift and a letter explaining that while your child enjoys her friendship, she has other things to do and cannot play with her everyday.
My Homesteading Journal http://toomyvara.livejournal.com
My craft journal http://bluewrenn.livejournal.com
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| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 12:18:17 PM
Yesterday neighbor lady wanted to send Sally over,I said no we were busy,but maybe tomorrow she can play for a little bit.So today she calls and says,can Sally play from 1-4pm since I'll be at work? I said no,she can play for 1 hour,we have things to do today.So then she says,well no Sally is outside shoveling snow.She will have to come over when I'm home from work to play.
Can you believe that? Its sick,I know the girls haven't seen eachother for about 2 weeks,but that doesn't excuse her openly using me.I should also add,the Father is home allday today.
I'm getting so sick of her <insert 4 letter word now>!!! |
| mommom |
Posted - Jan 15 2007 : 07:11:50 AM
I too didn't know all of this when I wrote last. Okay. The scenerio has changed quite a bit here. Stick to your guns. Tina, Faith and Bramble are right on the money. Sorry you have to go thru all of this. Keep your guard up and set those rules. Susan |
| bramble |
Posted - Jan 14 2007 : 10:49:11 PM
Not knowing the age differences or the other information when I originally posted I would like to add several thoughts. I never thought there was much benefit to kids playing together when there is such an age difference. Our rule was two years either way and no more and it seemed to work with the exception being family children.
When they are too much older there just tends to be bullying and other non cooperative behaviors we didn't want to encourage.
I watched a little boy who started kindergarten with my son and he came home every school day with us. In first grade his behavior escalated to being disrespectful, rude, using bad language and discussing extremely inappropriate things he had heard from his teen age brother and sister. I noticed a difference in my son and knew that we had to end this "friendship" ASAP. I gave the parents notice that I would be unable to watch him after a certain date and limited any play dates that might occur to include other children (which he hated because he didn't get his way). The boys remained friendly but the situation also removed my son from that daily exposure to things I didn't want him to learn about at 6.
From what you have said , it seems you are really uncomfortable with this child and her parents. Maybe it would just be better to end the
relationship altogether if it makes you this uncomfortable. The age
rule would be a good reason and you really wouldn't need to explain beyond that. Feeling resentful all the time will surely be transferred in some way to this child and that would not be helpful to either you or her and the situation could become ugly.
I have learned that we can't always choose our children's friends as they get older, but at this age you can certainly limit their exposure.
with a happy heart |
| faithymom |
Posted - Jan 14 2007 : 10:06:56 PM
quote:
Originally posted by hollyhock81
And if the mother tries to over rule me? Well lets just say this push over has been storing up lots of pressure inside her bottle.
That's what I like to hear!!!
It is YOUR house and not hers!
Keep us updated on how things go!
Faith
"All television is educational television. The only question is, what is it teaching?"-Fmr. FCC Commissioner Nicholas Johnson |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Jan 14 2007 : 8:54:44 PM
hold to your guns Farah. in this day and age it is getting to where you have to be careful anymore. We had neighbor friends that had been friends with some other neighbors around the corner (parents who had serious drinking problems and just alot of problems with never really paying attention to their own).. and anyhow their boys had been pals for several yrs, anyhow the one boy(who's parents were/are the drinkers and tended to always send the kids over to my other friends) got jealous of my friends boy not letting him do as he wished when visiting(basically the visiting boy wanted to always be the one in charge on how and what games were played, and be the "man of the day" so to speak/bully the gatherings), so he made up a story along with his mother and they went so far as to press charges against my friends son..yes, the story they made up was rather ugly and totally false as we knew the kid and the parents..anyhow....the big brother to the kid making the false accusations and some of his pals jumped and attacked my friend's son, so she then in turn was able to begin to press assault charges..as soon as she went to do so, they then said "oh we are so sorry, we will drop all charges against you if you drop charges against us" needless to say it all was because one kid didn't get his own way and became jealous of what the other kid had.
So, bottom line..you can never be too careful in this day and age.This story ended well, thank goodness, but it honestly should have never even started.
So, be careful.
Best of wishes to you.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 14 2007 : 8:36:46 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Mag
Farah,
Stand strong for your daughter's sake. The age difference is a bit alarming and the craving attention from men...maybe her father is not giving her the attention she needs? I do feel for the child but there comes a time when you have to protect your own. Hopefully your husband will stand with you and give you strength, after all you are both parents to your little one. I really hope this comes out well in the end for everyone.
Sending you all the strength I can muster :)
mag
I know her father isn't giving enough attention.But part of me wonders if its more than just fatherly neglect.My dad didn't have much to do with me,and I never sought out men,like I said before I was shy to be around them.Well who knows,whats going on.But my new rule will be no kids over on weekdays. And visits 1x on Saturday for 2-3 hours at MOST if I decide to have any kids over at all.
And if the mother tries to over rule me? Well lets just say this push over has been storing up lots of pressure inside her bottle.I might also buy that book mentioned earlier as a gift for the mother too.I think I'll read it too,most mother's can benefit from it. |
| katiedid |
Posted - Jan 14 2007 : 1:25:19 PM
Farah, I have had this problem so many times, with so many different kids. I am a Mama who is home all of the time, and I am usually doing fun things with the kids...I am also easy going, which translates to "everyone's personal doormat"...so most of the neighborhood kids just sort of gravitate to our home.
This is what has helped me:
1. Strict rules..like this,
---Friends don't come inside our house, or in the backyard unless they are invited. That way we don't get over-run with a bunch of kids for hours, and my kids can have thier house and yard be a haven.
---All "strays" go home at 5:30pm on school days, and 7:00 on Summertime nights...this gives our family time to read together, eat as a family, and wind down. Sometimes I feed kids who seem hungry, but I have been careful of this too...or I would be the free snack lady.
---Everyone who is a guest in our home or yard must follow our families rules.
---The kids who play with mine, must be "age appropriate" I just don't think much good comes from 11 or 12 year old boys wanting to play with my 4 year old!! And this did happen!
It is so hard, because as a parent, I feel that my first priority is to my own children, BUT, as a decent adult and human being, I have a responsibility to ALL children. To make sure they are safe and that their basic needs are met....I know what it is like to struggle with health concerns, I really do. I have rhuematoid arthritis, and complications from that disease....
I hope you can find a balance that will keep your babe safe, but that will hopefully let Sally know she is worthwhile and loved too....
Good luck
Love and light to you
Kate
my new blog http/www.theknifemakerswife.wordpress.com |
| Mag |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 5:07:54 PM
Farah,
Stand strong for your daughter's sake. The age difference is a bit alarming and the craving attention from men...maybe her father is not giving her the attention she needs? I do feel for the child but there comes a time when you have to protect your own. Hopefully your husband will stand with you and give you strength, after all you are both parents to your little one. I really hope this comes out well in the end for everyone.
Sending you all the strength I can muster :)
mag |
| faithymom |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 3:42:32 PM
quote:
Originally posted by hollyhock81
I am so glad there is a book about this!I am going to buy this asap.
The dropping it off idea is wonderful lol.
Let me know how that works if you do it...I have a list of books that I'd like to anonymously give to people I know...LOL
I haven't done this, yet...I just wait for the right time to drop the hint on "this Great book that I have found SO helpful...would you like to borrow it?" (It has worked more than a couple times)
I'm glad I could help and if you see any other books by him, they are great! He's funny and a good author...plus, he's a guy, so my husband's more likely to read a book like this if it's from a male POV.
There are 3 books of his that have been so useful to me... They are Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, Sex Begins in the Kitchen (this is on marriage, NOT cooking or something kinky! LOL) and The Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex.
(like I said, he's got a great sense of humor)
quote:
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about the rape,the Mother herself told me that she was raped as a teen.
Thanks for clearing that up.
quote:
It seems nobody cares unless Oprah or Dr.Phil makes you rub your nose in the book.
Reminds me of a song by Casting Crowns
"What if the family turned to Jesus, stopped asking Oprah what to do"
quote:
Where is everyone's common sense these days?
As they say...Common sense isn't that common...
"All television is educational television. The only question is, what is it teaching?"-Fmr. FCC Commissioner Nicholas Johnson |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 3:22:17 PM
I am so glad there is a book about this!I am going to buy this asap.
The dropping it off idea is wonderful lol.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about the rape,the Mother herself told me that she was raped as a teen.Thats why I was also so shocked at how the child isn't really monitored.The very first day we moved in she was allowed to come over and play,without the parents really even meeting me.
I'm so glad someone put out a book on this topic.I feel this is going on WAY too much in everyday life. Ophra needs to do a story about this very issue the book discusses.It seems nobody cares unless Oprah or Dr.Phil makes you rub your nose in the book.Where is everyone's common sense these days? |
| faithymom |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 2:32:11 PM
Maybe you should just give her a book...although it seems there are bigger problems, but when you mentioned that she spends the majority of her time running kids here and there, I thought of this book: Home Court Advantage by Kevin Leman
here's the description:
"Ask today's parents how they spend their time, and they're likely to say, "Working and driving the kids to their activities." The modern reality is that well-meaning parents are working long hours and then signing their kids up for every available activity: music lessons, ballet, choir, one or two sports a season, and academic enrichment programs. The result is that kids spend the majority of their time with--and consequently being raised by--teachers, day care providers, coaches, and peers. Home Court Advantage points to a richer philosophy of parenting and gives practical pointers on how to achieve it."
I love Kevin Leman's books (although I haven't read this one)
I would just anonymously drop the book on her doorstep! lol
The trepidation of face to face confrontation is why I would write her a letter about it.
In that I would tell her that the situation is unacceptable to you and then tell her what would be acceptable. And, I know it's been said: STICK TO IT
Do you know whether her mom knows about the rape? She sounds like she needs some counseling for that and if mom doesn't know, she needs to so the girl can get help.
"All television is educational television. The only question is, what is it teaching?"-Fmr. FCC Commissioner Nicholas Johnson |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 1:07:53 PM
My stomach aches just thinking of having a sit down with her mother. How do you bring up these key points,and not have a blow up? This is why I'm a push over,I've seen to many people in my life blow up if you rock the boat.This woman likes this set up,and I know it will rock her comfy self absorbed boat.It comes to a little relief that others have faced this kind of thing.
I don't really have anyone to talk to,just family,and friends, friends who give internet advice. |
| lamamama |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 09:22:43 AM
Whoa.............
I was just re-reading through this thread - it is a very interesting topic! And although I posted earlier, you had not mentioned the age difference, nor the creepy part about the girl's behavior around males. Personally, I think this is just too dangerous, & I also think that deep down inside of yourself you know this. I'm guessing that being the kind & gentle soul that you are, you want to open your home & house to the little girl as much as possible, but I urge you to listen to your gut feeling!! I'm not saying to completely banish the girl, but to set rock hard guidelines & boundarys, including NEVER having her @ your house when any other males are around. And when she is there, I agree with others that if she misbehaves, then home she goes. Is there a professional you could talk to about this, even for just one time. A pastor, couselor, or even someone @ the school? Again, I wish you all the best luck with this situation. |
| Aunt George |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 08:58:15 AM
I'm sure the other farmgirls covered this, but if you choose to have her in your home, be sure to hold her to the same standards you hold your own children to. Do not let her get away with things that your own children would not be allowed to do. Set boundries for her, because it sounds like she has no boundries at home. If she stays in your home, insist that she act appropriately and teach her what she can and cannot do. One of those cannots would be approaching your husband and or male guests in your home in the way that she is doing. She is only 7 years old and unfortunately has a familial set of values that she is adhering too. One of them is disrespecting her elders...you included.
So, set the rules that she MUST abide by or send her home.
Give her a warning informing her of the outcome if she does not comply, then if she does not comply...carry out the punishment for her misbehavior...perhaps, sending her home and banishing her for 3 days or whatever you decide is an appropriate punishment.
Do not lay a hand on her...her parents could turn on you very quickly.
Carry through on your threats so she can learn boundries and proper social behavior.
I would also inform her parents that when she is in your home, she will be subject to your rules of conduct and if she does not abide, then she will be sent home.
Just some thoughts. I have been in this situation with two children who were, sad to say dangerous to the well being of my daughters and others in the neighborhood. One was older, the other was younger. They encouraged my girls to play catch with scissors, dared them to jump out of a second story window...were caught lifting a toddler to an unprotected second story window and about ready to push them out and this was with very close supervision. So be careful. Be the adult, set the rules and make her live by them. Temper your love with a firm hand to teach her that there is a consequence for her actions both positive and negative.
http://auntgeorgeshouse.blogspot.com/
Thanks for checking out my apron musings! |
| mommom |
Posted - Jan 13 2007 : 06:41:11 AM
I am the mom to four adults but when they were younger, even thru their teenage years, I had many, many children want to stay with us. I found three boys in our barn one time. They were kind of living in the hayloft. It was hard. I barely had enough food to feed my own family but thru the grace of God I always had enough to share with the other kids. I know it's hard for you to have Sally all of the time. Maybe you were put by her and her family for a reason. Maybe you will make a difference in this small childs life. I too have RA and FM so I know how you feel. I also know how you feel about being used. But I always thought to myself: am I really being used in a bad or good way? You don't need to give birth to someone to be a surrogate parent. Please, for Sally's sake, give her a chance to feel your love and patience. In the last 30 years I bet we've fed and sheltered over a hundred boys and girls, adolescent thru adulthood, who to this day call me mom. Open your heart and see this as a challenge rather than a problem. There's something wrong at home when a small child would rather be at someone elses home. Don't do it for the parents....do it for Sally. It sounds like she's drawn to you and Samantha. We don't know what happens in other peoples houses. It sounds like you may be a needed comfort to this little girl. People know when they're pushing our buttons. Don't let them see you sweat. Susan |
| hollyhock81 |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 11:37:05 PM
I already make sure about Hubby,he stays clear of her.She creeps him out.You'd think her own Mother would worry,she mentioned to me that she was raped,while we were walking our dogs together one day.This whole thing seems so strange.I thought oh finally a home of my own! After living in an apartment for a few years.I always thought home owners had it much easier,but yet in some ways we don't.After talking about this with everyone,I really will not secend guess myself.This Family needs some sort of meeting.And Sunshine,i'm so sorry for what you went through,I assure you my little Samantha is watched VERY well.And she knows she is NOT to go over there,even if she were invited.
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| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 11:08:19 PM
Another thought, being maybe paranoid, is that I would be extremely careful that your husband and any older male siblings are NEVER left alone around this child. Come to think of it, I would nix the whole relationship and lose the worry.
Di |
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