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Family Matters:  neighbor doesn't watch her own,what should I do?  |
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hollyhock81
True Blue Farmgirl
125 Posts
FARAH
IN
USA
125 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:28:33 PM
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Sorry in advance for being so personal,but I'm stuck and need answers.
I moved into my house last Summer,and the neighbor lady has a Daughter, named Sally close to my little ones age.Well being that moving is so stressful on children,I allowed my Daughter to play with Sally,even when it was draining,and I felt like the free babysitter,with no thank you.Well as the Months went by it hasn't gotten much better.I mentioned to the Mother I have Mono/CFS syndrome,along with that I have my own life,and family time and hobbies-gardening,cooking-you get the picture.But she doesn't seem to care.And just plows ahead,and has Sally come over before calling and saying "My Mommy says I can stay til 5:30" Or she will have little Sally call me,and ask to come over,on my answeing machine.But instead of waiting for me to call back,Sally just comes over.This happens everyday,or nearly everyday.And in Summer it was afternoon til dark 7 days a week if I let it happen.I feel really bad,because in a way I feel like I helped create this use and abuse,since I allowed it. I feel taken advantage of,the Mother knows what she is doing,she used to have day care at her own house.She is very pushy too,last week she had Sally call,and leave the, "can I come over"? message.And I called right back to let her know that I'm sorta busy.Well she just ran right over my words,and Sally was on my door step before I had any say.The Mother says her Hubby feels bad she wants to come over here so much,and misses her(as if trying to guilt me).Yet he's the one that sends her here as soon as Wifey leaves to take her oldest to after school activity or work(she's hardly ever home,because of so many after school things,and part time jobs,don't get me started on that).I'm made to feel guilt after watching Sally,yet I always say to my neighbor in a nice way, well Sally should have more family time,or more time with her daddy,then the Mother is silent,or giggles.They both took 1 week off work x mas vacation week,and guess what,they still had her try to come over.I did dodge her a few days on x mas vacation,but my goodness this is just pathetic.I can't go out in my front yard without the phone ringing and Sally is asking to come and play,I feel stalked sorta.I don't know what to do.The more firm I am,I just get a chilly reaction,yet she send Sally over anyway.
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:33:48 PM
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I would turn little Sally right around at the door and tell her to go home or march her over myself. I would not let her in and say it is not a good time for you to play with my daughter today, we have other plans. I know it is hard to do, but you have to stick to your guns, so to speak.
Anne in Portland
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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hollyhock81
True Blue Farmgirl
125 Posts
FARAH
IN
USA
125 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:37:43 PM
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Anne I agree.Its hard when its everyday,and then My little Samantha gets her hopes up,and then Sally is almost in tears.
I do need to be more firm though. |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:40:39 PM
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Next time send Sally home with a 10 dollar an hour fee for child sitting and food. Also include in the note that it is to draining on you with out compensation. All scheduled visits must be approved over 24 hours in advance. If that does not happen child will be marched right back home. All payments for child care are due when child is dropped off. If child stays latter than scheduled fee is 15.00 an hour for every hour over time paid before the next time the child comes to visit
Cut and dry and to the point. From your statements they know what they are doing. They seem to feel you are an easy push over. Hit their pocket book she will go away. You could include a clause that if you invite the child over to play with yours then that is a free day but it has to be a formal invite you calling them or going to their house to ask not the kids asking each other.
I would be very annoyed by that I am very busy with my husband kids home and other things I don't have time to be permanent baby sitter with out some sort or return. Yes those totals I gave where high on purpose to discourage them from saying this is cheep baby sitting. Because it isn't that many hours you are not baby sitting you are raising and giving the child your belief system that is expensive and takes a lot of energy.
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe my blog http://sunshinescreations.blogspot.com
my web stores www.sunshines.etsy.com and http://vintagethreads.etsy.com
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hollyhock81
True Blue Farmgirl
125 Posts
FARAH
IN
USA
125 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 7:46:09 PM
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Sunshine,LOL that is funny.......so true though.My Mother said to do that too.
UGH the problem is that I am a pushover.I don't know if I could do that,but you know I'm getting tougher as the months go by,so I might give it a try. |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
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faithymom
True Blue Farmgirl
360 Posts
Faith
Sandpoint
ID
USA
360 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 8:36:55 PM
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I find such confrontations are easier done in a note than in person.
And the bonus is you get to say what you want to say without them interrupting.
I think the 'bill' sent home would get their attention...and you could leave a note with it explaining things.
Good luck!
"All television is educational television. The only question is, what is it teaching?"-Fmr. FCC Commissioner Nicholas Johnson |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 8:48:02 PM
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I think you should call her back and send her home....... no bill, etc. even though it's pretty funny! Repeat each time, sorry, this is not a good time. Better to be direct, specific. Unfortunately, she probably prefers being at your house. I was neglected as a child, spent alot of time with a neighbor family, they treated me like their own. I think it made a huge difference in my life..... jo
north to alaska..... |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 9:10:54 PM
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Jo...I was thinking along the same lines as you. If the two little girls have become buddies, they will be heartbroken. I am fully aware of the CFIDs situation, have Fibromyalgia myself. This is a no win situation if you feel you can't have her over all the time; you may get more rest but the girls will suffer. If Sally isn't getting what she needs at home, being at your house is making a positive difference in her life.
My son had a buddy who virtually lived at our house during middle and high school years. Once a month or so, Jerry would tell him to go home for a day and then he'd be right back. This was Eli, who put my sourdough starter on his brocolli and whose three boxes (full of clothes and a scanner and printer for his computer) are here for me to mail to him. He didn't get fed or clothed at home, no wonder he liked it at my house.
So easy for someone to make suggestions and so hard for you to put them into action. Try to balance out what the loss of the friend will do to your daughter and whether it's best to bear the burden for the sake of the girls. It seems to me there are reasons the child would rather be at your house than home.
Ronna |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 9:41:07 PM
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You sound like me...the same thing has happened to me countless times. I wish you luck. It seems like I always have to end up saying something and then feeling guilty for turning the kid away. But...I am better about it now than I used to be (29 years mom experience here) I wish you luck!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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FarmGirl~K
True Blue Farmgirl
512 Posts
Kelly
TX
USA
512 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2007 : 10:23:17 PM
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I know it's hard to turn a child away, especially when your child wants to play too. I just wouldn't answer the door. We had some problems like this & we just had to tell the child that "our DD couldnt play right now, but she would call her when she could play or that she would come get her when she's available.'
Unfortunately since the parents are putting their DD on your doorstep & aren't taking responsibility for their child, or caring for your needs, you will have to send the message back with their DD. Once it happens a few times, she won't be around as often.
We have also told our dd that she would be taking a break from playing a bit since they needed to take a break from spending too much time together. (Not sure if your DD is old enough to understand yet.) If you are feeling like I think you are, I know you don't want your DD going there, so let them play on your terms, not theirs.
"Work as if you were to live a hundred years, pray as if you were to die tomorrow." ~Benjamin Franklin~ |
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Patsy
True Blue Farmgirl
592 Posts
Illinois
USA
592 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 03:32:36 AM
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Just print this page off and send it to her. Problems should be solved. You have got to be stronger girl. If the neighbor gets mad....oh well.
Blessed are those who love the soil,
Patsy
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 05:26:53 AM
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I agree with what has been said so far. You unfortunately have to take the hard line. I feel sorry for Sally. Imagine being the child that your parents don't want to deal with! You being firm on your end will force them into spending time with their daughter. I don't think they have a clue as to what being a parent is all about. :( Good luck Farah! We're all behind you!
Karin |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 06:25:42 AM
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Perfectly fine for you to set limits.
Good luck!
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia, Nathanael |
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Beemoosie
True Blue Farmgirl
2077 Posts
Bonnie
New York
USA
2077 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 06:26:57 AM
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I agree with all that has been said. We have a lonely little 5th grade girl down the road that would spend night and day here if she could. We do alot with her, but when it's not convienent, I tell her. She is old enough to understand most of the time, but she can be persistent. You have to do what is best for you and your family!
XO
My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. Luke 1:46,47
www.beequilting.blogspot.com
http://beemoosie-picture-diary.blogspot.com/ |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 06:53:18 AM
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The note and babysitting fee is funny, not sure if I could do that. I would however send her home with a note about scheduling and getting approval before coming over. I know it is probably hard on Sally and your little girl because it kinda puts them in the middle of all of this, but if you are firm and let her know that it is not okay to just come over without being invited, she will learn. Then on a day that is good for you, invite her over. She learn the difference and maybe Mom will to.
Anne
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 07:05:09 AM
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First things first: Does your child enjoy this child's company and are they good companions? I can understand feeling taken advantage of and I would address that directly. Could you try " We really enjoy having---- over to play but there are some days I am just not up to supervising other people's children due to my illness. Could we work out a system to check ahead of time to see if it's ok?" and maybe add "I'd really appreciate it if you could take (your daughter)
some days too, that would be a big help". That will either get her running looking for the next "unsuspecting babysitter" or might open up the dialog and you'll find out more about her and the situation. Although humorous in a very sarcastic way, if you send her a bill, you are beginning a hostile gesture toward someone you have to live next door to. Not a great solution, in my opinion.
I too usually have a houseful of other people's children. I look at it like this: Would I prefer my child to be in their houses? No. Not all their families are neglectful, but there is ugly divorces, alcholholism, suspected drug abuse, professional workoholicism and verbal language we just do not use. Do these kids bring that in my door? No, on the contrary they tend to be good kids in bad situations. If I can help make them have a sense of belonging and family, YEAH! I was a good kid who had a Mom with cancer ( who tried to always be there for me)and an alcoholic father. Knowing that my best friend's family was always there for me helped in so many ways and they are still "my family" to this day. Her Mom was my Mom's best friend as well and she always tells me " It has been a priveledge to have you in our lives". I hope I convey that to the children we know so that they always feel they have a safe place to fall.
with a happy heart |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 07:41:34 AM
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| If the girls play together well and it keeps your daughter company, maybe it is a worthwhile trade-off? I would think when you are not feeling well, it might be nice to have someone to play with your daughter. Is she well behaved at your house? I was the house on the block where all the kids congragated and I did have a few kids move in with us temporarily. I really like kids, so all was well. As some of the others said, maybe she is getting something at your house that she doesn't get at home...... |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 08:19:22 AM
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I think that sending the bill is funny, but by the sounds of the girls parents, it may backfire on you and they may just pay! So I would just be upfront with the whole situation and take her back home and say now is not a good time, we will call when it is a good time. Just remember if its not you it will be someone else. People like that always find someone to take advantage of, dont let it be you any longer. And honestly, how sad for the little girl that her parents dont seem to want her around.
lilpunkin
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. |
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lamamama
True Blue Farmgirl
255 Posts
Melanie
CA
USA
255 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 09:33:59 AM
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I will cast my vote with those who have said that the "bill" is a good chuckle, but not really the best negotiation tactic. As a few have said - it may backfire in more than one way. I would also respectfully suggest reading over Bramble's post; she has some really important points to consider. Overall, you AND your family will have to make the decision regarding the balance you want in your life (benfits of playmate & doing good for another little soul, vs. the disruption to your private family life & physical drain on you) - and then set some ROCK SOLID boundary lines. By that I mean, when you say no visits, you don't answer the door. Period. Or else you have a policy to answer, but then tell the little girl she has to go home. No matter what policy you set up, just make it the law, so to speak. Good luck with this, it sounds tough.
Please keep us posted, & let us know how things go. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 10:48:10 AM
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I too completely agree with Bramble and particularly would question whether the other little girl's home was one I wanted my own daughter to be in.
I would not want the little girl to feel I was rejecting her and would phone her mother and tell her flat out that she was not, under any circumstances, to send her over to play without HER phoning first.
Di |
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Mag
True Blue Farmgirl
144 Posts
Margaret
Mount Vernon
OH
USA
144 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 3:09:26 PM
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Maybe you could try to schedule play dates instead. Just have a set time a few days a week that the girl could come over. And let the Mom and Dad know anything outside of the schedule will have to be agreed to. I took in quite a few kids when my boys were young (I have always been a sucker for strays:), all from neglectful homes that felt a sense of home with us, I knew my boys were safe at home and all the kids knew the rules of my house. If they were to break the rules of the house, they were not allowed over any longer. I am still in touch with a few of these boys (which are now grown men) and still receive the same respect and affection from them that I felt when they were boys. You may be helping this little girl feel loved, but you shouldn't do this at the expense of your health or the happiness of your own family. Good luck and strive to be as honest and open as possible with this other family.
mag |
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hollyhock81
True Blue Farmgirl
125 Posts
FARAH
IN
USA
125 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 4:22:33 PM
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Hello everyone,thanks for your advice,it is a great help.
Well to answer a few questions,this little girl just turned 7 and my little girl is 4 1/2.They do like to play with each other as best they can given the age difference.Unfortunately Sally is bossy,and puts my little Samantha up to do her dirty business,which to a degree is normal for kids.But the disrespect,and lying that goes on when she visits is rather annoying,as soon as I say thats enough,I saw what you BOTH/ALL were doing,she automatically puts all blame on Samantha,or another child who is over.Sometimes I will say its time to go home,and she will say"did my Mom call and tell you to say that,or was it just you"? Or here is a new one,she will compete with Samantha,and keep asking how many X mas gifts she got,that happened yesterday.Or if my house isn't spotless she will give the once over look at the house,and look me over...........REALLY STRANGE for a 7 yr old,it will have regular clutter- a couch pillow is rumpled,the puppy chewed up a carton,some dishes in the sink,that sorta thing,but my goodness nothing to be bothered by! I find it creepy how she demands attention from me,but whats worse is when its from men,my Husband or neighbor boys.As soon as one comes around,Sally decides she wants to do a play,or demand attention from Hubby.I remember at her age being scared or atleast shy around men,maybe i'm reading too much into that.Hubby thinks its odd too. On one hand I want to be the Mother that she may need AT TIMES.But I also feel that I did not carry her for 9 months,or sign up to be her Mother when her own won't bother.In fact today at 3:05pm she called wanting to come over.She was just here yesterday for 1 hour on a weekday,and her Mother knew all about this. At what point does the activity type of Mom who has 2 part time jobs,enrolls her kids in 3 different things each, take a close look at what she is doing to her Family.This woman goes to church,gives everyone in the community the idea she's the best Mom in the world picture.She even will bad mouth Mother's who do what she is doing,yet she won't see what she does. Part of me wonders how much this happens in America.
I don't send Samantha over there at all.And I never get invites there either. I figure if that's how they treat their own,then what will happen to mine?
I agree with DaisyFarm,and Mag the most.But everyone brought so many great ideas.
I do know I have to be firm,and I have a feeling I better have her Mom over,and get my Hubby to have a meeting with her,and maybe Sally's Father too? I hate to make an issue of things,but it is too much.I just don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill.I have always been a second guesser to myself.But enough is enough.I do know that I will let Sally over here,but with rules and some respect will need to be given,from Sally and her Mother.
I ask this Ladies,how often has this happened to you?What were your own experiences with it?Were the Mother's stay at home or working Mom's?Do you notice this more and more?
Part of me wonder's if this is the side effect of not being a stay at home mom,and thats how SOME cope? |
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Sweet Harvest Homestead
True Blue Farmgirl
279 Posts
Lindy
Stanfield
NC
USA
279 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2007 : 7:02:13 PM
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Farah,
I lived for a year in a neighborhood that had new houses built exactly 10ft apart from each other. Much too close.
We probably got talked about a lot because there was a little boy who was the same age as my oldest son at the time (5). His parents let him wander around all over the place alone. He would go door to door asking to play until someone let him in. We let him play a few times but he was wild and did not mind so we had to send him home. From then on when he came by, we would just tell him that the boys could not play right now, or that they were doing their schoolwork. I was always very kind and smiled at him as I said this but I was firm.
It is so hard to turn a little one away, like some of the other ladies said. Her home may not be so happy. From reading your last post though........ It is concerning about the age differences in the girls. I would not let them play alone. If little Sally acts that way around men at age 7 it makes me wonder what she has been exposed to. You don't want her telling your little darlin things that she is too young to hear. I may sound a little paranoid but you never know these days.
Anyway, I certainly hate that you are going through this. Your home is supposed to be your haven. A place where you feel comfortable and safe. Not a place that you have to hide in from strange neighbors. (I felt this way the whole time I lived in my old neighborhood).
I wish that I had some better advice for you.
Lindy
www.sweetharvesthomestead.typepad.com |
Edited by - Sweet Harvest Homestead on Jan 12 2007 8:32:14 PM |
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Family Matters: neighbor doesn't watch her own,what should I do? |
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neighbor doesn't watch her own,what should I do?
