| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 24 2011 : 09:47:24 AM
I was at my friend's house the other day and looking at magazines. I would never have seen this article if I had not been there because I do not really like it. But the front cover grabbed my attention. it was Oprah's magazine. There was an article about doing nothing. I thought that would be interesting to read. But it turned out to be exactly what I needed to read.
The title is "I Don't Care". Hmm... Good so far. Then it says, "How do you get your nearest and dearest to change their behavior? Love them unconditionally. And how do you do that? Stop giving a damn what they do." Wow. How simple is that?
This is by Martha Beck. She goes on to say she was counseling a friend who was in an abusive marriage. They had just had an intervention. And her friend was quite mad at her family. She was saying how it felt like they were attacking her. They judge her, they criticize her. Nothing she did was good enough for them. They were just like her husband.
Martha was trying not to say "what is wrong with you?" when it dawned on her that she had a point. Her family was not abusing her like he did but they were not accepting her as she was. They needed her to change. They raised their voices, made demands, pushed hard. And their intense negative emotions were triggering her fear and defensiveness.
(Can some of you see how this was just for me?)
It was in the midst of processing all this that suddenly Martha heard herself say, " Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you." ( I am not sure how I feel about this but it does make sense.)
"Loretta visible relaxed. She felt her own anxiety vanishing, too, leaving a quiet space where she could treat Loretta kindly. It was true- I really didn't care what happened to her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't love her one bit less."
Since then she has found that loving without caring is a useful approach in most relationships, especially families.
To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also mean sorrow, as in "bowed down by cares." Or anxiety, as in "Careful!" Or investment in an outcome, as in "Who cares?" The word love has no such meaning: It's pure acceptance. She says caring is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional loves vanishes.
Our brains are designed to mirror one another. As a result, when we are anxious and controlling, other people don't respond with compiance; they reflect us by becoming anxious and controlling. Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be. When Loretta's family insisted she leave her abusive husband, she insisted on staying. (She actually did leave him eventually.)
So anyway, it goes on about how to change our own behavior. AA tells us that sanity begins the moment we admit we are powerless over other people. Granting ourselves that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things we can do for ourselves and the people who matter to us.
I immediately thought of my Dd, H. I do love her. I don't honestly think at this point I can say I don't care what happens to her. What do y'all think? I kind of understand her point. That when we back off and let them live their own life, they will. And they will be OK, no matter what happens.
I really needed to read this. It has already taken a load off me.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - Aug 05 2011 : 5:27:55 PM
I am supporting you in staying strong and doing what you need to do to keep your self whole and well. Good luck.
hugs,
Holly
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| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 06:12:40 AM
SO last night my hubby called. His family reunion is this weekend. He has this great plan. He wants all the grands and H to go. So we can all be together. BUT here's what HE wants to have happen. He wants ME to go get them all. H and K are in Dalton which is way to the South. The other 2 grands are up on Lookout Mt. which is way to the West. The reunion is in Spring City with is way to the North. Hm, then he wants to ride his Harley up there. That's the way HE wants it to happen. Oh, and I have to make food for the dinner. AND his nephew wants some goat cheese. He just told me this last night. AFTER I had just gotten an order for 6 pounds from a friend. AND he wants me to drive all over creation to get all these people. AND he wants to ride his Harley. I am just a little perturbed. Whatever that means. I am so tired of people making plans for me. I told him HE could go get them all and I will just stay home. The other 2 grands are having a yard sale Sat. They are so excited about that. SO I knew they were not going. And H has missed it before. I just thought Me and hubby would go up and have a nice time WITHOUT a bunch of kids to look out for. My SIL lives on the river and they all swim and go boating and all that. And they go in and out all day long. And I am always the one to keep an eye on them.
SO I am going to a counselor my mom knows this afternoon (I've had this appt. for a few weeks). I sure do need it. I am just tired of all this. I am tired of H always making things so hard and complicated for me. She does this alot. And I just don't want to do this. And I know I am not being mean or hateful. Not at all. I am not going to fall into that trap anymore. If H wants to go to this reunion, then SHE needs to find a way there. That's all there is to it. (I am writting all this more for me than anyone. I am typing so hard my fingers hurt. I need to see this myself so I will be strong and stand up for myself.) I mean, that makes perfect sense to ME. Why not to everyone else? She is an adult. She can get a ride to a liquer store. Why can't she get a ride to her family reunion?? I'm just sayin'.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Aug 03 2011 : 09:48:04 AM
Yes, that is what I am doing, Marly. I know she is a grown up and capable of doing the right things. So I just have to let her. I can be there for her but that's all. She has a few places she is waiting on for a room. I just hope it's not too far away. Statesboro is too far away for sure.
Anne, how is your Dd today?
Holly, I know alot of people that have kids that turned out great and never gave their parents a minute of trouble. So I don't know. I always feared my grandparents so much more than my mother. I never wanted to disappoint them at all. So I tried real hard when I was with them to be good.
Crystal, that is so scary. Ihope your son knows enough to stay away from the road. Is there someone you know that lives near them that can keep an eye on him while he's there?
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 8:39:35 PM
Kris: You just hang in there. Don't let this make you feel guilty. I went through something similar, and I finally had to choose to cry, get upset, feel horrible, etc... OR get on with my life and enjoy the time I have left on this big beautiful Earth. Hugs to you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| camiesmommy |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 2:00:42 PM
My daughter is bi-polar and wasn't actually diagnosed until she had a break of sorts. She was 22. Until that point, when she truely need my help I had had to step back and truely say "I love you, but I din't like you, and that I just couldn't do it anymore." I spent my life feeling guilty, that I should have done more. Ultimately, it 's the best thing that could of ever happened. Now we have a great relationship.
Thanks for posting the article. It's great food for thought and it's also nice for others to know they are not alone when they have these feelings.
A.J.
Work is love made visible. ~ Kahlil Gibran |
| metrohippymom |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 04:53:09 AM
There is one person in my life with whom I have these struggles. My son's father. We aren't together. My only issue with "letting go" (yes, I'm always advising him on being "safe" with my son) is that he is an alcoholic and irresponsible. Like, letting our toddler son play in his front yard, where there is no fence, about 15 feet from the road which is a 45-mph throughfare for 18-wheelers. So while I have been guilty of trying to convince him to go to AA or "become a caring father", and I can let those things go, I don't know that I could back off of safety lectures, even if it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe just one ounce of it will stick? LOL.
Please check out my peaceful designs at http://metrohippymomdesigns.com :-) |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - Aug 01 2011 : 4:54:21 PM
I often wonder what my mother did when she raised us that we always wanted to try to be good.
Holly
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| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Aug 01 2011 : 08:27:24 AM
Can I ask why, Katheryn? I don't particularly care for Oprah and Martha Beck is a contributing writer for her magazine. I would never have seen this article if I had not been at my friend's house that day. It did open my eyes though, so am glad I read it.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| LouisvilleMom |
Posted - Aug 01 2011 : 06:50:05 AM
I like the sentiment but I do not like Martha Beck.
SAHM mom to four great boys.
http://ksfarnsworth.blogspot.com/ |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 30 2011 : 8:17:06 PM
Holly, I told my youngest dd that she needs to become a motivational speaker for teens. Al she has gone through woul dbe so helpful to others. But she said they won't listen. They'll do it anyway. I just thought how sad that was that she said that. But really, when I think about it, I told my kids what would happen if they kept doing what they were doing and they did it anyway and they got caught. Abby's past is still hanging over her head to this day. She could not get a good job for anything. She still had some things on her record that kept popping up whenever people would do background checks on her. But she finally got a really good job at a Christian company! AFTER she had to pay $150. to get one of the things taken off.
I am so sorry that your son is in jail. That's the thing, they don't think about what will happen to them. They just do it. I don't know. I was always afraid of jail and prison. I do not want to go there. But some people just never get it. I hope he gets the help he needs while he's there. How long is he in for?
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - Jul 30 2011 : 5:46:09 PM
Yes, Kris I agree it is sad that some people can not look past their own present to hope for a good future. Do people like this miss the piece of the problem solving paradigm.
I have a son sitting in jail because of drugs and stupidity. Why did he think he was not going to get caught or why did he not think?
Holly
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| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 30 2011 : 08:19:29 AM
I have done that many a time, Marly. And I know I will do it many more times. I had a call from H the other day saying she had gotten into some trouble. Her roommate and her and Kansas went out and her room mate got some liquor. So if she had not had Kansas there with her, she would have been kicked out. She has a week to be on her best behavior or she will be out. I just told her there is not a thing I can do about it. This is her life and her choices. She needs to start making the right choices. She also called my mom and mom asked her why she did that. H said it was because she was bored. And this is what she does when she has nothing else to do. Drink, do drugs and sleep. And apparently this place does not help people mike her. They told her she needs to be in a rehab center.
Anyway, I have always wondered why some people get help for their problems and then get over them and live a decent life while others just keep on doing the same thing over and over again. SO sad.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Jul 29 2011 : 9:09:47 PM
Kris:
I would probably have said what Dutchy advised, "I love you but I don't like you right now".
I heart hurts for anyone going through such sadness. When I am having issues of such, and my heart begins to ache, I know it is time for me to give it to my Lord. I usually verbally say, "Here Lord, please handle this for me." I always feel better after that.
Hugs.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - Jul 27 2011 : 09:10:31 AM
Don't beat yourself up over your dd choices. As parents we do our best to do well by our children. I have thought about why some children grow up to not be problem solvers or contributors. At this point I have decided that it is not how some one was raised but how much innate resilience a person has.
For example, many of the young people who are currently incarcerated were neglected or abused or both, however, many more people were as well but they chose a different path and are doing well. Why is one person a contributor and another a taker.
I guess when that question is answered I could solve many of the problems of the world.
hugs to you for sticking by your dd and grand dd.
Holly
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| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 08:12:28 AM
Jonni, I never was a big fan of the Beatles. But I do like some of their songs. I will check out the PBS show though. I watched Micheal Jackson't last rehersals before he dies the other night. So sad. Anyway, thanks for the info. I always felt that way about Yoko.
Holly, it sounds like you know what you are doing. I like that waht you would tell him. It's your life. I need to remember that whith my Dd. And it looks like he has finally gotten his life together. It's such a shame that it takes so long though. H is 33. And your other son sounds amazing. Would love to meet him.
I was going to keep Kansas here. But she is such a momma's girl. She loves her mom so much and was really missing her. She is all she has really besides us. I know when H has her that she is more responsible. It is hard watching people screw up and not be able to do a thing about it. This is definetely NOT how I thought my family would be. But it never works out how you think anyway. I have always heard if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans for your life. Well, I guess He showed me.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 07:27:34 AM
Kris- you are in a hard place when it comes to what to do about Kansas. Grandparents often have no rights and taking on full time responsibility for her is a total mind and lifestyle adjustment that only you could decide. Watching the parent screw up and the child suffer is hard for me.
You could let things be as they are.
You could set up a regular visitation schedule with Kansas for Kansas and you. Not to give your daughter respite.
You could have kansas come and live with you. After a while you could petition the court for guardianship or custody. This is complicated if your dd does not live in your school district and you need to register her for school. If this situation comes to pass you could consult with the court for your options.
Holly
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| Tall Holly |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 07:07:31 AM
from Kristins quote.I heard a preacher saying that most people do not want to be healed of their sickness or health problems because then they would have nothing to complain or talk about. And alot of people do not want to be happy either.
One of my other sons Leo is a healer. H edoes energy work. He makes peole feel good. He is non verbal and commnicates with signs and gestures. If he knows you are feeling bad and want to feel better he will touch you even momentarily whatever yhou will allow and later you notice you feel better. However, if you are feeling bad and do not want to beel better he will go no where near you.
He has a gift.
Holly
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| Tall Holly |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 06:57:08 AM
One of our sons moved out just before his 18th birhtday. He knew everything. He called home on a regular basis and one phone call he said, D ( his birhtmother) said you do not like the my friends. I said, I do not know your friends to like them or not but they are not the people I would have chosen for you to hang out with. What is the matter with them he asked? I said, well, do they have a library card? No, he replied. and he got it. Reading is very important in our family and reading is your path to information.
Now when ever he is in a new relationship he calls home to tell me whether his friends have a library card. If they do not he is sure to tell me that they are readers and have stacks of books.
He came to live with us at 8 1/2 years old. there were bets out in the mental health community that served his family that he would be in the state juvenile detention center by the time he was 9. I spent the next ten years or so creating programs and running in front of him to make sure he was successful. We worked hard to have him realize that he is a good person and he has a lot to offer. When he moved out it was very hard to step back and allow him to make obvious mistakes and fail and fall flat on his face. I would hear from community members, do you know what K is doing? and I thanked them for their interest and breathed. I did a lot of breathing.
After he left he would call home and tell me what was going on in his life. He would tell me of things he did that he knew I would not approve. I told him over and over again, "It is your life" After two years or so he finally asked why do you always say, "It is your life" and I told him.
He finally started to get his act together when he was 27. He is now self supporting and in a relationship of equal power base.
Holly
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| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 05:45:27 AM
Ironically, this goes with what I watched last night on PBS: The American Masters series about John Lennon, NYC. And I'm going to write these words that I've NEVER said or written before: Poor, poor Yoko. I always loved John, but this was such an insightful view into their relationship and he suffered from drama lust and she was largley placed into the role of his mother, his best friend, and THEN his spouse. Very interesting dynamic, and so very destructive. Kris, if you get a chance to see it, it's repeated now and again and it's well worth it (if you were ever a Beatles or John Lennon fan).
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 05:40:40 AM
Yes, that is the whole article. Thank you for the link. Now I hope everyone will go read it. It is SO good.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 05:39:36 AM
M, I never did see a date on the front but I know it was from the last few issues.
I know, Marian. I have a hard time with the "I don't care what happens to you" too. I will go see what you posted now. Thanks.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| dutchy |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 04:10:54 AM
Found THIS online, it has 4 pages...haven't read it all...need to go back to work lol.
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Love-Unconditionally-Martha-Becks-Advice
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Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://pinkprincessdecorating.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me, my home and my crafts
Farmgirl sister # 2410 |
| dutchy |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 04:07:54 AM
In a way...yes I too can relate. But I can't SEE myself saying "I don't care what happens to you"
I do think , for me, it would have been better if I had said, "I LOVE you but I don't LIKE you".
It would have been better for MY sanity. but if I would have said THAT, H*** would have broken loose in my house. I know that for a fact so...but bet the article leaves you (in general) with a lot of food for thought.
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Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://pinkprincessdecorating.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me, my home and my crafts
Farmgirl sister # 2410 |
| buggysmum |
Posted - Jul 26 2011 : 03:55:07 AM
Kris, no,I only read what you wrote. Is it in this month's Oprah? Is it online?
Shelly |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Jul 25 2011 : 5:05:36 PM
There are definetely alot of dramatic people that just feed on wreaking havoc on everyone around them all the time. I heard a preacher saying that most people do not want to be healed of their sickness or health problems because then they would have nothing to complain or talk about. And alot of people do not want to be happy either. I have so much to think about. This is my "alone" week. I am doing alot of thinking while I am cleaning. I hope I can absorb some good feelings and vibes so I can stay healthy anyway.
M, did you read that whole article about the 4 steps?
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
