| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 07:44:41 AM
So, our good friends, who I've posted about before--we just had an engagement party for them a couple months back--(they "reconnected" again after evading each other for 20 years--college sweethearts, broke up got married, divorced, now they're together again) are expecting a baby girl.
A few weeks ago, at the ultrasound to determine gender, they were told that the baby was measuring small, and that the due date was incorrect OR there was something wrong. So, they did another ultrasound 2 weeks later, and were urged to have an amneo done. The results came back with a high percentage of the baby having Down's Syndrome. When Corinne told me, she didn't cry, she said it matter-of-factly and sortof "waited" for my reaction. With a background in tutoring life skills and reading/math with Down's teens and young adults, I have a totally different viewpoint...I took my cues from her and I said, "Well, it's something you and Darren will be able to handle, and you were hand picked to be her parents. It's a challenge but not insurmountable. I'm so excited for you both and I just can't wait to meet her!" And Corinne's reaction was equally "squealy"  , though she did say that Darren was feeling quite worried, I think about finances.
When I got home, I told my husband (he and Darren are best friends) and he had a totally different reaction--he was devastated. And this morning, it's worse. Despite having a long conversation last night about how many options there are now, for these children and parents and support systems vs. when even WE were born, and explaining what I know and understand of Down's, he said he feels like he needs to wrap his head around this before he can call Darren and comfort him. He said he feels terrible about telling Darren how wonderful and fulfilling being a parent is, and how "perfect" our child is and now their child won't be, and they (as fathers) won't share the same experience. I can't figure just HOW he figures that? It's like he thinks that this little one will be born and she won't do any of the same things little ones do, naturally. And she will.
Is my thinking wrong, in that, if Violet had a disability, would I want someone to call me, meet up with me for lunch and CONSOLE me, tell me they're sorry--be morose and melancholy? I don't think so...it's like adding weight to the wagon. He said he won't talk with him until he can speak to him without making it seem like a big deal...which also seems weird to me. I wish men weren't so goofy with their emotions...I said, "why don't you just ring him up and take your cues from him? See where the conversation goes naturally?" It was like he'd never thought of that...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| maggie14 |
Posted - Aug 15 2010 : 10:27:16 PM
My mom worked with Down Syndrome kids a lot and she thought they were the neatest kids ever. They loved God so much and were always so sweet and caring. They glowed with a beautiful light! I'll be praying for your friends Jonni. I'm sure they were had picked by the lord to take care of this sweet baby and to love her like no other parent could.
Hugs,
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 09 2010 : 06:36:12 AM
Thank you all so very much...Kathy, that's what I've been wondering...as a friend, it's difficult to know what to say/do because you simply want to "fix it" and I know that I can't. Listening is the best thing...and again, I'll take my cues from her.
I can't imagine going to the hospital with the hopes and dreams for your child and leaving empty handed--it would devastate me. And yet, I know, like in your case, it happens more than we'd like to admit. Childbirth, though natural, really is traumatic and can be dangerous for both mother AND child...I can't imagine.
I wondered a lot this week if it would be too much for them to be around our Violet, so I'm glad you mentioned that it was difficult for you, Kathy...I would NEVER want to make her feel uncomfortable, or moreover, despondent, so I think we will just "play it by ear" and see what she needs from us.
Thank you all, so much, again for your words of support and kindness. She and Darren will need all the love they can get, even from afar.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| ceejay48 |
Posted - Aug 07 2010 : 3:03:31 PM
Jonni,
I will be praying for your friends . . and you . . .
It is a loss . . . and there will be grieving for that loss, no matter what.
It is HARD!!!!
I will be praying!!!
CJ
..from the barefoot farmgirl in SW Colorado...sister chick #665
From my Heart - www.fromacelticheart.blogspot.com
From my Hands - www.cjscreations-ceejay.blogspot.com
From my Hubby - www.aspenforge.blogspot.com |
| Roxy7 |
Posted - Aug 07 2010 : 08:37:35 AM
Prayers sent for them and the baby. I am sorry for their loss. |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 7:45:49 PM
CJ:
Your Jeremy is very handsome. His smile is beautiful.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| KathyC |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 4:29:17 PM
Jonni,
I am so sorry for your friend. This is such a difficult thing for them to go through. Our first child died during birth, complications of labor that went undiagnosed. Elizabeth weight 10 pounds and was 24 inches long, nothing wrong with her. All my hopes and dreams, it seemed like my whole life just ended so suddenly. People would say I know how you feel - most of them has no idea how I felt and I knew that.
People would say you can try again or I'm sure y'all will have other children. I felt that even if we did, they could not and would not replace Elizabeth. I know they were just trying to help but it really didn't. Just being there and letting me talk is what helped the most. I had a really hard time being around babies that would have been the age of Elizabeth for quite awhile. If I went to the market and parents were yelling at their children I could not stand it, I left my groceries more that once and walked out in tears. I would read stories in the news about people killing their new born babies, throwing them in the trash, or down the steps and I would wonder why can these people that don't want children have them and my husband and I that wanted her so badly could not. We did have another child just 13 months later, she was happy and healthy but when I went to the hospital to deliver I had a really hard time- been that far before only to come home empty handed.
Just be there for her and listen to her or even just sit quietly with her.
When our daughter was 2 we were hit head on by a drunk driver, the doctor said because of my injuries I probably could not get pregnant and if I did I would not be able to carry the baby. The doctor was right, I had 3 miscarriages.
Kathy |
| Annab |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 09:57:25 AM
That's so sad.
Sorry I';m late on this
Most likely wasn't meant to be and may have been worse off than expected.
I'm sure the child would have been loved unconditionally. But perhaps it was jsut too much for this tiny life.
And do know, as with my deceased sister and our friend's children, Downe's often have heart problems. This one may have been unable to have been detected fron in eutero.
Again. Prayes go out for the couple and you too for being a good friend. |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 09:20:12 AM
I'm so sorry. I hope they are able to move on and try agian.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| Lessie Louise |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 06:26:28 AM
I am sorry for your friends, I'll keep them in my thoughts, Carol
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad!
Farmgirl #680! |
| katrina |
Posted - Aug 05 2010 : 06:25:32 AM
They'll be in my thoughts. Such a tough thing to go through.
www.WorkOfArtCreations.com |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 8:42:41 PM
So sorry, Jonni. I'll be thinking of them. |
| nubidane |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 7:39:29 PM
Oh Jonni!! I did not know she was that far along! Nature knows what is best, & I truly believe that God knows......
I will keep you& Jus,(as cherished friends) & Mama & Papa in thoughts & prayers. I also have something to email you...
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| terriholland00 |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 6:44:00 PM
So sorry to hear about this. My prayers are with them and you. I know it's difficult, I had an ectopic pregnancy a long time ago between the birth of my 2 daughters. I was only 2 months along, but it was still difficult to go to the hospital and leave empty handed when everyone else around had bassinets and babies in their rooms. Again I am so sorry.
Terri
http://www.etsy.com/shop/terriholland00 |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 3:02:38 PM
Jonni, I am sorry that your friends have been through such a difficult time. First to think she was DS and to accept that and want her, only to lose her that is so so sad. My prayers are with your friends, and you. I know you will know just the right things to say to comfort her. Just knowing you love her and are there for her and her husband will mean so much. Sometimes honey, that is all you need to do, just be there.
Hugs and Prayers MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:24:56 PM
Thanks, Janice...Jus called to tell me right after I'd sent of my email to you telling you that things were going as well as could be expected.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:20:19 PM
So sorry to hear this, Jonni.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:11:10 PM
That's so sad, my thoughts are with your friends.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:00:03 PM
Thanks, girls. It's hard to know quite what to say. They both just met the challenge of having a child with a disability, and then to find she's gone. She was due at the end of October, so it's not that far away and it will, by all accounts, be a sad date when it comes around. I'm just trying to be a good friend and not stick my foot in my mouth.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| classygram |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 11:05:40 AM
Thank you for sharing this with us, I will be praying for you and your dear friends. The Lord knows whats best and is there to comfort them.
Hugs, Brenda
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 09:03:23 AM
Jonni, that's so sad. Thank you for letting us know. I will be thinking of them as they go through this tough time together.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Alee |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 08:56:56 AM
Oh that is so sad! *hugs* Losing a child is very hard. We had 2 miscarriages before Nora came along.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 08:38:20 AM
Thank you all for your loving thoughts and wishes for our friends. Unfortunately, the ultrasound 3 days ago showed no heartbeat for the little one, and well, there wee one is no more. The Doctor advised them that they should "try again" and I'm sure they will, but I wish it just wasn't so difficult for them...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| Annab |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 03:46:19 AM
Indeed.
There are so many loving people out there and it's a comfort to know a disabled baby would be placed.
That's how our friend got her second child. They just had a gift and an unyielding faith in God and were able to provide so much for this kid whereas, the teenage mother could have done no such thing.
There are people out there whose patience and deadication far surpasses what could ever be considered by the rest of us.
It's very humbling
That's the mark of a good and caring dr. too. SOmeone who goes the extra mile for the patient like that |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 07:23:33 AM
Please keep in mind, if they decide it's too much for them to handle that there are a lot of people who would be happy to adopt a downs child. My doctor wanted to tell me the test results in person and he immediately launched into a speil about the people he was treating for infertility and how many of them would be willing to adopt our baby. I was amazed that he maintained a list like that for his patients, but he wanted to be sure I knew that he was there to help me through the whole thing either way. He even offered to stay after his office hours to discuss the options of keeping or adopting out the baby with my husband. If they decide not to keep the baby there are those who want a baby no matter what.
I'm not trying to bring up a sad side to this, but just offering a suggestion.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 05:58:34 AM
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and your thoughts on my post.
Amie, you are so eloquent and so honest in your post that it couldn't be offensive. I completely understand your point--which, in many ways, is why Justin and I chose no testing whatsoever--I didn't want to "know" and thought if I learned of a problem during my pregnancy, the remainder would be simply horrible. I think that's why I was so surprised by his reaction. I was designated "high risk" due to my age, but we discussed it and thought, "our child is our child, regardless" and it all turned out for us, Violet is an incredible, thriving little girl, but you're right--it is a sortof a death, I would imagine. Justin does feel guilty. Corinne has wanted a child for a very long time (I've known her 10 years and that's all she ever talked of) and Darren came on board rather quickly when he met Violet, and hung around with Justin and Vi on days off. I think Justin is SO positive about being a father, that it was sort of "catching". So, yes, he feels somewhat responsible for "selling" it.
Ceejay--
Thank you so much for posting a photo of your Jeremy! I think him most handsome! Your post tells me that it is possible to love more than you could ever imagine. I am so inspired by your honesty about being the parent of a child with Down's. There are going to be some rocky paths for sure, but with a strong support system, they can manage.
Terri--
Thank you so much for your post--your thoughts mirror mine almost exactly. If you have any links that could assist our friends, I would surely appreciate it. I work for an attorney who is an estate planning attorney and we have many clients with a "special needs" child and design guardianships and trusts tailored to care for the child if something should happen to the parents, so when the time comes, I will help out on my end.
I simply want to be "who" they need us to be--whether it's a shoulder or a cheering leading squad. Thanks to all for your comments. The morning is a little brighter!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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