| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 09 2009 : 9:09:39 PM
Well the divorce is progressing but not quite the way I thought it would. The mediator dealt with us separately as that was my wish and he started with me. I told the mediator that originally I was going to buy him out but had decided against it as he got greedy and wanted even more than I could come up with. I told him I wanted the house sold and my name taken off the deed immediately (liability reasons) and a stipulation that I will get half the net proceeds upon closing. Then he talks to stb ex and when he comes back he says stb ex doesn't want anything but your money. He won't take or deal with the house in any way and says he can't afford to pay the mortgage (we bring in exact same amount and I can do it). Mediator suggested that if I want this over with quickly and with my credit rating intact, that I pay him off with the other half of my retirement account that he's NOT entitled to (the fact that he gets half of it anyway is a given - state law).
So, weighing both sides, I either hand over my entire retirement account, assume sole ownership of the house and get rid of him, OR he stays in the house while trying to sell it for more than it's worth (he's in love with money), defaults and loses it and my credit rating goes out the window (can't take my name off the deed ahead of the sale) along with any equity; leaving me unable to buy anything for many years and our divorce drags on until the house issue is settled or lost entirely...I chose to hand over my whole retirement account.
I'm hoping I made the right decision here. It's taken me many years to fix my credit and struggling to maintain it thanks to his foolish spending habits and poor work ethic. I so don't want to try to fix it after a foreclosure. I still have 20 years to go before I retire. The house will be paid off in 11 years. I'm thinking that after the house is paid off, I could then put all or most of that mortgage payment voluntarily into my retirement account until I do retire, thereby replenishing what he took, for the most part.
Dang it! I so didn't want this because I was afraid he would then be telling sob stories about how I took everything. He also refused to take any furniture, appliances, tools or anything even though I had put all that stuff into his column. He even told the mediator I could have the only vehicle! I said I don't want or need such a gas pig and how was he going to leave if he has no vehicle? Also, because the house I've been staying in has been sold (I've been house-sitting), I have to move out by March 1st so, I had to stipulate that he would have to be out of the house by then as I could not possibly pay rent somewhere AND the mortgage.
Turns out, I have him so pegged. My suspicions couldn't have been more on the money!!! As soon as I got home from Boise, I started getting phone calls from people he had already called. He told all of them that I "won" and that he was leaving town with nothing more than a few pictures and the clothes on his back! He failed to mention the small fortune I'm handing over to him and the fact that I'm not attaching anything to get half of his lawsuit he has going on or half of his Social Security (which I am entitled to).
This did not go at all the way I was dreaming. I just wanted to wash my hands of everything and move on clean and fresh. Sorry to ramble on so. I just find this all very frustrating and I guess I'm venting. Or maybe it's whining. OMG, somebody slap me!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 19 2009 : 9:26:08 PM
Lisa, I love your story and that quote. I've never heard it before either and it's right on the money. No worries about me getting down. Can't happen! I know what ever I'm going through, it's just temporary and with a little work, sacrifice and faith it always gets better. Of course, friends who won't let you sit at home alone and push you(or drag you) to get out and do stuff helps a lot, too!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| Alee |
Posted - Feb 19 2009 : 08:17:20 AM
Lisa T- I love that saying! I had never heard it before, but how true!!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| LisaTwo |
Posted - Feb 19 2009 : 08:04:11 AM
Hang in there Lisa, I've been there. The only advice I can give is to not let it get you down. I lost a lot during my split and I held on to the resentment for a LONG time. Then one day I realized how lucky I was to get out of it for so little. Karma is a beautifal thing. I was forced to leave my dream home, a beutifal Victorian home in town (on a postage stamp piece of lawn) and move to a rampshackle 100 year old farm house with snakes living in the cellar (long story) with 13 acres of wild blackberrys and overgrown grape vines. Which, of course, is where I was supposed to be all along. He still lives in the house we shared becuase he thinks it bothers me, but hasn't been able to keep it up and it is falling down around him and my little farm gets lovelier and lovelier every year. It was so worth every penny. Someone told me a long time ago that education costs a fortune no matter where you go to school, but it's never money wasted. So true.
Good luck dear!
Lisa T.
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| Lainey |
Posted - Feb 15 2009 : 04:02:12 AM
Lisa, no advice here either, just hugs and prayers. The advice here so far sounds very good though. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.
Hugs!
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/
An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.' |
| dutchy |
Posted - Feb 14 2009 : 12:26:47 AM
Lisa I can only give you big (((HUGS))) and no advice. But the given advice sound wonderful and I feel like you are doing great already!!
Keep going strong girl, you'll make it no doubt about that!!
Hugs and prayers.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 13 2009 : 6:52:28 PM
Alee, somehow I missed your two posts at the top of the page! Yes, I can have chickens and I called city hall the other day to see if there is a limit and they said no. But, if I want to have a rooster, I would have to get written permission from my neighbors. I don't need a rooster (at least not yet!). So, I put in my order already. I'm getting 3 Barred Rocks and 3 Aracaunas (sp?). I think that'll be a good start. Six may be all I need.
And, if you want to help paint or move the sprinklers/hoses around or whatever, I'll be happy to oblige. You can stay in my camper. While it's parked it's my guest house. And now that I won't have to share it with a man, I can girlie it up!
Yes, girls, it's incredibly frustrating at times but I keep telling myself it'll be over soon. This frustration is only a temporary state and when it's all over, I'll have the peace I've always wanted.
Yeah, Jami, I realize he's hurt, but as I told him to his face...he made his bed. His talk around town and to my kids doesn't hurt me any. I guess I'm just tired of people coming up to me or calling me to tell me this stuff. The fact that he continues to lie about everything (not only to friends but to me, too) only reinforces my resolve to continue on without him. He has lucid moments, on occasion, where he actually seems to understand why I left him and seems to feel real remorse for his actions but, for the most part, he doesn't get it at all. Unless the remorse is just another one of his games that he likes to play (head games are VERY important to him) and he literally believes his own lies? Well, I'm not a shrink and it won't do me any good to try to figure him out at this point. His strange and erratic moments are what I have to watch out for and I do for self protection.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Feb 13 2009 : 10:34:26 AM
Lisa I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Divorce is never nice. I've been through it too. It will get better.
Handmade Soap and More! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
PROUD FARMGIRL SISTER #100 |
| Jami |
Posted - Feb 13 2009 : 09:09:02 AM
Lisa, though the situation was not exactly the same as yours, I too have been through a divorce and yes, they get "nasty" fast, no matter how nice and agreeable you try to be, there is just no way of making the other half happy especially when you're the one who wants the divorce.
I think you are making very sound choices for yourself, daughter and your sanity. Take your losses and cut him loose and do all of the things to keep yourselves safe and taken care of. I know the "talk" is not fun but it's just going to happen because you cannot control what he chooses to say to others. You know this man and what he is capable of, good and bad. I'm not taking any sides here, but remember...he's hurt and when men get hurt (and have other problems that don't help them think clearly) they are going to spread it all over the place and twist up things to make everyone feel sorry for them. He sounds quite manipulative. Real sorry you're going through all of this, but you are quite amazing in how you've handled yourself and I'm real proud of you, one farmgirl to another.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 7:56:27 PM
Alee, it was a great conversation that we had. I haven't talked that long on the phone in...forever! We'll have to do it again, sometime.
Terri and Janice, it sure is great to have such a huge crowd cheering me on. It really boosts the drive to get 'er done!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 12:43:33 PM
Do post pics and keep a record of your progress, Lisa. Anne's right about not getting overwhelmed and going room by room. I've found that sometimes, well meaning friends/family will disparage our old farmhouse because it is a large project. But I'm the tortoise. Slow and steady will get me there. The work has been rewarding and empowering like nothing else. And it's given a deeper meaning to the word 'shelter'. We're all here to cheer you on and help you however we can.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
| 5 acre Farmgirl |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 08:27:37 AM
Lisa. I have been through it too..Hugs to you.......... I know what you are feeling,,,,,,,
Farmgirl Sister #368
BRAND NEW PAGE>>>>>
PLEASE go to....
http://blogonthefarmandgarden.blogspot.com
http://froccsfrillsfurbiloesandmore.blogspot.com
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| Alee |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 07:44:26 AM
Chatting with you last night, Lisa was so nice! I can't wait till summer for you because hopefully by that time this will all be months and months behind you and you will be in the full swing of doing the things you need to do with the house and enjoying life! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 06:18:38 AM
Cindy - great advice - but I'm way ahead of you on some things. I got a new po box and bank account the fist work day after I left him! My paychecks were auto deposited and I didn't want him getting his hands on it. I will use the 1X2 to keep the windows shut that don't have locks until I get locks, thanks. I'll put one in the track of the sliding glass door, too.
As far as dd goes...she's 18 now and gone to college which made this MUCH easier. Far fewer headaches when you don't have custody, support and visitation involved! We don't have a bank up here. So, I will just have the decree recorded until I can get one at my bank down in Boise. But that's a good idea, I should do that with all the important papers just in case...
Refinancing just is not possible with the age and condition this house is in right now. No bank would touch it when we bought it and after the whole banking fiasco...well, there's no point in even asking. The previous owners are carrying the contract and they are fully aware of what's going on. I have continued paying the mortgage so it wouldn't default. So, they're fine with everything.
Once I get a foundation under the house and repair the sagging, rotting floors that are actually sitting on the ground, I might be able to refi. But, I'm not sure I even want to. If I can do all repairs out of pocket as I have the money and the house will be paid for in 11 years...I'm not so sure I want to mess with that. But, I do want to leave my daughter a good sound house that isn't going to implode at some point after she inherits it!
Thanks for all the advice, Cindy. I'll be sure to chat with my neighbors, too. Although, I'm sure that once they see me moving back in (and I'm positive that they will), they'll downright panic if they see him back on the property. But I'll let them know for sure, anyway.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| Mother Hen |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 8:10:53 PM
Lisa, you want to also, change your bank account right now if you haven't and your P.O. Box too so he doesn't have access to anything of yours.
Just another thought,
Cindy
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
| Mother Hen |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 8:06:06 PM
Okay Lisa, everyone is giving encouragement which I did on your other post. Now, I want to give you advise.
Yes, change every lock immediately upon possession of house!!
If your windows don't lock, put a 1x2 between the upper part of the window(where a lock would be) and the top of window casing, you know so the window can't be lifted up. Of course I'm assuming if it's an old house that you have the old sash windows.
VERY IMPORTANT--GET HIM TO "QUIT CLAIM" THE HOUSE TO YOU B/4 EVERYTHING IS FINAL!!! This PLUS your divorce paperwork will make sure he has no legal claim to the property!! Then maybe you could refinance it with rates probably lower then when you purchased it.
Also, my ex was all about the money too, and all I wanted was OUT, however, you have to protect your daughter's future as well as your own that you haven't fully contemplated yet. Get the 1/2 of the social security that you said you are entitled to. You don't know what this economy is going to do and it may very well be a saving grace for you at some point, and if it isn't, start replacing your retirement account with it each month!!
Also, make sure to get FULL custody of your daughter if at all possible, it wasn't supposed to be possible for me to when I divorced in FL but, I negotiated him paying less in child support so I could have FULL CUSTODY, it was well worth it!! You don't want to have to deal with him and go to court over stupid things like he doesn't want you to change her pediatrician, or doesn't want her to do cheerleading, or whatever the case.
Also here's one more from my experience for you to learn from: get the child support paid by him to the state through payroll deduction or social security deduction!! If he is a spend thrift you will start not getting child support. Sometime, if you want, I'll elaborate on my ordeal with that situation.
Also, make sure everything you are getting is spelled out clearly in your divorce paperwork, every little thing listed that will be yours and what will be his. Then when all done and signed by the judge, go right to the bank and get a safety deposit box and put all your paperwork in there, for everything, title to the rig (which you need to get changed to your name only) original divorce paperwork, bank mortgage paperwork, everything.
Also alert your nosey neighbors that if he is seen there after such and such date they are to call the police immediately and not to confront him first.
Oh, and for the locks, you also need to change the ones on all out buildings too!
There, if I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
Sorry to be so long winded, guess you can tell this is a passionate topic for me.
God Bless you,
Cindy
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 7:47:06 PM
Thanks, Anne. That's pretty much the plan. I actually have to prioritize according what's most at risk. I think the bathroom will hold up for several more months. The pantry on the other hand could go any day. I wouldn't worry so much about it except that's where the hot water tank and one of the breaker boxes is located (there are 3). If that addition falls off it's a fire in the making and with a 140+ year old house it wouldn't take much flame to lose it all in a matter of minutes. But, after the pantry is dealt with, the bathroom will be next.
We had accumulated so many building materials with all these projects in mind (some started). I have windows up the wahzoo; some replacement, some for more light and some for my greenhouse. There are new light fixtures, enough hardwood flooring to do the living room and kitchen, plumbing fixtures, pipe and fittings, electrical stuff and more. I plan to take pictures and post on my blog (that I've been neglecting) to document the metamorphosis of this old house.
You're right. It will be done right, each project will be finished before the next one is started and it will all come together and look great when I'm all done. Maybe by the time I'm finished all the awful memories will disappear with the renovations and dd and I will have made new ones! She's already excited about painting her bedroom floor.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| Alee |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 06:50:53 AM
PS If/When I get to come down and see you, you can put me to work! I love helping and maybe we could get some rooms painted or something!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 06:50:07 AM
Lisa- can you have chickens at least?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| asnedecor |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 06:48:44 AM
Lisa -
I am no expert on divorce or marriage problems, so can't help you there. Even though you got a run down house - you know what the problems are, there are no surprises. If you can, do one room at a time - don't try to fix everything at once or it will be overwhelming. Start with the worse things - sounds like the bathroom, then move from there. Sell whatever items of his you don't want or give to Goodwill and get the tax write off. If the car is a "gas hog" sell it and try to find something in your buget that is not. Make a list and "clean" house so to speak. Now that he is going to be out of the picture, you have to look at this as a fresh start and you can do things the way you want and from the sounds of it the right way.
If I lived closer to you I would help, I am pretty handy around the house.
Good luck!!!
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 05:13:37 AM
Oh, yes, thanks, Corinne. I forgot about the lock thing. Some windows don't even have locks, so I'll have to take care of that too. I'm also surrounded by nosy neighbors which, in my case is a good thing!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| Corinnelouise |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 9:18:18 PM
Lisa, do not forget to change all the locks, and extend the restraining order to the house and the garden and the total of your property.
Hugs,
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 6:03:20 PM
I'm not sure the folks that called me were actually trying to make trouble or just asking if what he said was true? I hope they're not just gathering fodder for gossip sessions. One of the phone calls I got was from my son in Salt Lake. I found out this morning from Rose that stb ex had called her yesterday, too. She won't pick up the phone when he calls so, he left her a message. He told her to try to find me a man because I really need one!!! I could not believe he said that. He really doesn't know me at all, I guess. No matter, anymore.
I've calmed down considerably since last night and I know I'll be just fine and I'll make the best of that run-down old house. I am going to be really busy this summer trying to catch up on repairs and finishing projects that he started and never finished. First thing is replacing dd bedroom door that he broke and pulling up the carpet in her room that he ruined. Then I have to catch the pantry addition before it falls off the house! I also need to find a Plumbing for Dummies book because I also have to move the bathroom before the tub and toilet fall through the floor. It'll all be good. I have friends willing to help and it'll all get done and be really nice when it is. I suppose whether I bought a new place that needed fixing or I kept this one doesn't really matter. Except that I'll have to get creative and come up with another way to get and keep a miniature Jersey, though ;)
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| wild daisy |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 4:44:51 PM
Sorry to hear that your ex acted like this. My parents are also divorced but it was my mother who acted like your ex. She wanted more then she was entitled to and the judge saw what she really was like after her out bursts in court. She got the least amount of alimony the courts would allow and got the whole house to herself. She is always taking bad about my father to anyone who will listen. Saying she got nothing and he pays nothing to her. What she doesn't realize is I have talked to many old friends and set them straight that my father does pay his alimony and that she got the house free and clear. Mind you they come up to me saying how mean my father is and how poor my father made her. Some people just can't live without causing more trouble then they are worth.
Hope only the best for you. <<<<HUGS>>>>
Madelynne
Madelynne
johnandmadelynne.blogspot.com |
| Suzan |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 2:12:48 PM
I will tell you, Lisa, my sister walked away with only the dining room table and buffet - her lawyer kept telling her she was entitled to half of his retirement etc but she just wanted out - now she regrets not taking the lawyer's advice after the way he has acted since, telling his "version" etc... lots of resentment has found it's way to the surface now...from her experience I would say take what ever you can get... |
| Ingrid |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 10:47:40 AM
Hi Lisa - to the people who have called about his sob story - they only want to fuel the gossip - anyone who knows you well and knows him will not listen to his story - I have a deadbeat ex so know from experience - you are still better off to get rid of him and still keep your dignity, what you have worked so hard for, and to heck what other people think. This is your future, take hold of it, don't look back only look forward. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Take care. Ingrid
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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