| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| jennym |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 05:27:43 AM
What does your husband pitch in with around the house? Here are the things that my husband does:
1.
Oops - that's a pretty short list!
Ok, sarcasm aside, I have a serious question. Over the past few years, we've visited a marriage counselor off and on at different times. At our last visit (last August) her advice to me was to either hire a maid (when I told her we couldn't afford one, she got real smart-alecky and said, "Oh honey, you can afford it if it'll make things better.") OR make our kids do the housework that my husband refuses to do.
I think that's showing my kids (3 boys) 2 things - that they don't have to "help" their wives when they grow up and get married, and that they can just make other people take care of their responsibilities.
Any thoughts?
And thanks! This has been driving me crazy! (And we haven't been back to the counselor since. All that he took away from that session was that she had given him permission to not do squat around the house, and that I should be ok with it.)
P.S. I wish so much that when she had suggested the maid, I would have turned to my husband and said, "What a great idea!" He would DIE! We truly can't afford one, but it would have been awesome to make him be the one to say no to the idea.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| JoyIowa |
Posted - Feb 18 2009 : 5:41:13 PM
First of all let me say the next sentence is not meant to make light of this situation:
I read through these laughing hysterically!!! I didn't realize how many of you were married to my hubby!!! Seriously, everything from NEVER, EVER helps wo/ being asked to his mama did everything for him fits to a tee!!
We've been married for nearly 22 years, and it is just recently he has started to somewhat pick up anything. Amusing story that started our marriage: It was the first morning after our wedding that we were back at work. DH worked 12-8AM at the time, I worked 10-6pm. I'm laying in bed, it's 6 AM. I hear someone on our back steps. I jump out of bed and look out the window-no hubby's truck. At the same time, I hear the back door open, my heart starts pounding, I start to panic because the phone was in the living room. Just about the time I'm going to open the window and crawl out to run for help, I hear the washer start!!! Then I hear dishes rattling in the sink (the bowl DH had used to have cereal before he went to work at midnight, a spoon, and a coffee cup-keep this in mind as you read the rest.) I think, "Wait a minute no one bad is going to be starting the washer and filling the sink. I decide to don my bathrobe, grab a bat from the hall, and venture into the kitchen. As I round the corner I see my new MIL standing at the sink and hear her grumbling about how awful it was that her poor baby had to live in such filth already!!! (We had now been married exactly 6 days.) I used my best teacher voice and asked what she was doing here. She replied that she always cleans here on Monday mornings. I informed her (not very nicely) that she didn't any more, to get the h---- out of my house, and the next time she walked in without an invite, I was calling the cops!! Then I tossed the bat in the general direction of the door and told her not to let it hit her on the way out! I remember being FURIOUS! I was stilled steamed 2 1/2 hours later when DH came home and walked in the door with "Oh, hi! Did mom already leave!" OH boy! First, biggest, and worst argument we ever had!!! Now, it's funnier than almost anything I've done or seen since, but then . . . Come to find out she had always done each of her sons' houses because they couldn't do it good enough to suite her!! It has taken me many years of patient asking, praising, and complimenting for him to feel like not only is his helped needed and expected, but appreciated as well. I really think guys are wired to only see one thing at a time, and it is not cleaning. I'm very careful to ask him if he's forgetting something if he goes to another part of the house. He looks around, finds something, and then thanks me!!!! There is hope!
Have a good day!
If it's not illegal, unsafe, or immoral, why not try anything once? Who knows? You may come back for a second helping! |
| obventions |
Posted - Feb 08 2009 : 6:23:44 PM
Whoops, I forgot to add too lol.... Karin, I wish I could have my bf rub off on your hubby. I happened to catch some freecycle and craigslist stuff this weekend for some skeins of yarn and some extra fabric..... The stuff from craigslist HE found! What's he say to me about it? "Hunny, I know you have enough artsy-fartsy stuff as it is, but you might want to send this lady an email. I noticed the more artsy crap you have to do to keep you occupied, the happier you are." Isn't he just sweet. LOL!
Good luck hun. Definitely let us know how it turns out. I would sure love to know how to successfully address that situation if I ever (hopefully not) have to come to terms with it again. |
| obventions |
Posted - Feb 08 2009 : 6:19:38 PM
I skimmed over most of the replies. Figured I'd throw in my 2 cents worth. I'm a 20something that stupidly got married in college. Things were great dating... both in school, both worked, both had goals and plans that were ideal for our future. We eloped and moved back to Lexington. He had to quit his job... understandable. We didn't have the time to drive 45 min one way for him to keep his old job. Mkay.. fine.. get another job. Nay. He didn't even look. Mkay.. I made enough to cover the bills and living expenses assuming we stuck to budget. He threw that out of the window. Fine... no job, hold your weight by helping around the house right? Yeah that didn't work either. Then he stopped doing his school work. I was stuck working full time, doing my full time class work AND his (we did online classes through our comm. college) on top of all of the laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. So to all who have done it for X amount of years, bravo I sincerely pat you on the back. I just simply couldn't do it. And after a couple of medical circumstances, I finally just pulled the plug on the relationship. I try to be a very balanced person. Relationships are give and take, and should be balanced. One person shouldn't just do it all. I don't have kids, but helped my old room mate raise hers while her and her husband went to school and worked. Everyone had a schedule.... but all of us helped (myself, her and her husband, and their 4 kids.) We all had to work together as a team to keep everything smoothly running. As a kid, all of the slack got laid on my shoulders. Looking back, I appreciate it now because I know how to run a household successfully assuming that everyone works together and there aren't major "problems." But all in the same, I don't feel that kids should be expected to pick up the slack, if that makes sense. Like.... yeah have like a chore list and what not, but don't make it a thing where -everything- rolls down hill. I have no idea if that makes sense. My thing was with my husband.... no matter how I approached the topic or tried to talk about it... it was like talking to a brick wall. I'm not sure why some men are like that. An ex bf and I (yes, I know ex's are ex's for a reason, but this was a case of moving away, not problems) decided to move in together and kick start another relationship. We have a harmonious relationship. Don't really have any sort of set schedule or anything. He see's dishes needing to be done, he'll do them. Which is fine by me...I hate doing dishes. But he hates doing laundry so it's a fair trade in my opinion. I'll do most of the deep cleaning, but he'll do most of the upkeep. How in the world I happened to get a pre-programmed boyfriend, I'm not sure. But I'm greatful for it! (and wow I just realized I'm long winded.) |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 8:11:50 PM
I just saw this and thought I'd jump on in with my two cents worth. When the counselor suggested getting a housekeeper you should have jumped on that one. I would have. Get that maid and make sure he's there to pay up and after a few weeks of that maybe he'll get it. Or maybe not. It would free up your day, though. Anyway, just a wild thought.
Good luck. Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
| electricdunce |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 1:56:52 PM
Whoops, I forgot to mention about how he felt about my making quilts - he said to me why do you waste your time making quilts, we don't need any more effing quilts. I tried to explain to him that my handwork is what keeps me sane. I think that was the beginning of the end.
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
| electricdunce |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 1:54:01 PM
My husband and I separated for a while after our daughter was born. Too long a story, but at one point when I mentioned going to counseling again , my husband said , sure and then when we got there he thought I just needed a ride, yes marriage counseling is great when there is only one person there! We were married for eight years when our daughter was born, two years later we moved back to Maine, bought a house, had another child, but my husband was not very helpful. He grew up in the "dysfunctional" family of all time. We got divorced when our son was five. I finally realized this man just didn;t want to hear anything I said if it wasn't what he wanted to hear.
He was a good father, really loved the kids, but I just couldn't tolerate living with someone who was so hard to communicate with. He died seven years ago after a long and harrowing battle with cancer. I miss him terribly, we did better as divorced friends. Life gets so complicated sometimesl,
I feel for you...
Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
| shepherdgirl |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 09:32:14 AM
Oh Jenny, How I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! (the one in the BACKSIDE too!!!) My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 23. We got married less than a year later (and no, not because we HAD to!) At 23 you would think that he would have learned to do things for himself-- especially since he'd been on his own for 5yrs. But, lo and behold-- I found out, AFTER we were married, that it was his MOTHER who had cleaned his house and did his laundry all those years!!
There is so much I could say here, but it would fill up pages and pages and pages!! So, I'll just say that after nearly 20yrs of marriage I've learned to IGNORE my husband when he starts complaining about the house. He refuses to clean up after himself and is only getting WORSE as the years go by-- now he just blames it all on the KIDS! I told him that once they were gone he couldn't do that anymore. I suspect he'll just start blaming the DOGS next.... sigh..... it's going to be a LOOOOONG messy life for the two of us I fear. And he darn well better not blame ME or I'll staple his lips together while he's asleep! (LOL!!!!)
Oh, and I won't even MENTION my thoughts on the therapist. I was always told as a child-- "If you can't say something NICE about someone, don't say anything at all...." so I won't. Hang in there Jenny. Hopefully you will find a happy medium. (and NOT end up in Divorce court!)
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 07:57:14 AM
My hubby does all the ironing! In fact, sometimes, I wish he would stop doing so much - everytime I start something he steps in and takes over. Since I do not work full time anymore, I am willing to do my part by doing all of the interior house chores, and it has been a little hard for him to let go of doing some of them. However, I have never seen him clean a toilet! :)
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
| asnedecor |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 06:46:19 AM
I am a strong believer in having the kids - both girls and boys - know how to do housework and yard work too. It doesn't hurt a girl to know how to mow the lawn or do minor repairs around the house. You never know she may end up marrying a guy who never learned to do those things.
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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| AuntPammy |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 04:14:22 AM
My husband was the baby of the family and therefore when we first got married (25+ years ago) he did nothing!!!
Well a few years back he found out something...he actually likes to do laundry!!!yes, he does a couple of loads of laundry on the week-ends if he doesn't have to work. I stay home all the time now to take care of my mom, so I have loads of time to do the housework.But hubby looks for things to do now...weird huh???
I am lucky but I have also started something that I think is also important I have taught my children to cook, do laundry, and clean. I started this when they were young and the kiddos know how to do these things.I can remember my DH didn't have the foggiest idea of how to do laundry or cook. It wasn't his fault it was just that he had never had to do these things.
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow." Helen Keller
www.auntpsalmostheaven.blogspot.com |
| 4forMe |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 03:59:27 AM
My DH has required some training....we've been married 12 years. But, I have to admit, I've required some training on some things too...like patience.
I hope it all works out for you, I am getting from the original post, that this is more than just household chores that is bothering you. It sounds as if you don't feel valued or respected at all, perhaps he needs to work on respecting your feelings more than anything.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 4. |
| kissmekate |
Posted - Jan 24 2009 : 9:00:01 PM
They definitely don't come out of the box trained do they?
When I was married, I was the same way as Heather. I worked full time too, and college PT.
After a few spats about it, he sucked it up and did whatever I told him to help out with.
He did the laundry and dishes.
I did the rest, including all sick/middle of the night baby related feedings, and care.
After we divorced many moons ago, I think his two subsequent wives silently thanked me for training him in.
On a lighter note, my Mom has babied my 38 year old brother all of these years. She has made him dinner, and did his laundry all this time.
Now that he has met "the one" (we hope) I think he is getting a crash course in laundry, cleaning and cooking, cuz' this girl seems very likely to tell him to get bent if he suggest her doing all the housework.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Jan 24 2009 : 09:26:29 AM
Yep, had to train Scott. He could do basics for himself like mooshing all of his clothes into one load of laundry and burning all his food to a crisp to cook. One thing I do not do is clean up after someone else makes a mess. The exception is cooking, which 99.99% of the time, I do and he cleans up the kitchen. I refuse to especially clean up in the bathroom. Leaving your own bodily functions for someone else to clean up is grosse (Unless you are in diapers). I leave cleaning supplies right on the shelf and he now knows what to do. Otherwise, I use the other bathroom until it gets cleaned and I remind him often. Sorry, it sounds b****y, but it works.
Having less to worry about around the house means we can clean up TOGETHER if a short amount of time and since Scott tends to have a short attention span, this works. I do have to task him and carefully explain EXACTLY what needs to be done, but he gets it done.
I told him straight out when we were dating that I am not his Mama nor his maid, so get used to it. There was one point where his laundry sat for 2 weeks before he got the idea. : )
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| Celticheart |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 10:01:05 PM
I honestly think that most of the time men are just oblivious...really. I do have a great story about the garbage at our house. My friend Sandy and I have talks about our husbands not taking out the garbage....ever. In fact none of the guys at my house were ever very good about it. I could set the bags right in front of the door they have to go out and they would pick it up and move it to the side. Anyway, when we lived in town the garbage truck always came on Wednesday morning around 6. It was really windy on our street and there were dogs that were out and would tip over cans, etc. So I always would get up at 5:30 on Wednesday mornings and take out the garbage because I really don't like to pick up nasty wet garbage that blows up and down the street. As a side note, the one good thing about the wind was that sometimes we would end up with entirely new cans and our old one would blow away.
Out of the blue one cold, dark Thursday morning my husband sat straight up in bed, looked at me and said "Quick! What time does the garbage truck come?" I didn't even answer him for a minute and then I said "Six o'clock.....yesterday." He gave me this really dumb look and asked "Since when does the garbage truck come on Wednesdays?" I said it started 20 years ago. I've never asked where he thought I was going all of those early mornings in the dark. When I told Sandy about it she just laughed and said it was a phase and would never last. He never forgot the garbage again.
"Nature always has the last laugh." Mrs. Greenthumbs
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| janiee |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 1:15:23 PM
My husband is a dream - NOW - but he wasn't when we first got married. He expected me to work full time and take care of everything in the house! I did until I was transferred out to the warehouse (where I still am and loving it) and the older lady here asked me why I was so tired all the time and I started telling her how uneven everything was..her response was the compromise - if you cook, he cleans, if he cooks, you clean. At first he did not believe me but I stopped doing the dishes for 1 week (that is how long it took for him to change his mind!) and then he started helping on and off with the dishes but nothing else. It was not until he could not work outside the home anymore 5 years ago that he finally started helping with the other stuff. Now he sees how hard it has been on me and he really goes out of his way to help. He makes my breakfast in the morning and supper at night...does all the dishes, the laundry, vacuums, sweeps, mops, cleans bathrooms (but not windows) :)
Now for the big question...how long have we been married? 30 years next May. Men are sometimes very slow learners....:) but great once they "get it"!
hang in there sweetie and verbalize! Sometimes we get so ahead of ourselves in our heads that we forget the person we are talking to doesn't know what we are thinking...
hugs
janiee
farmgirl #390 |
| windypines |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 1:00:55 PM
I don't know, but I don't think those words "men" and "household chores" gotogether real well. At least not in my house. It is more like pulling teeth!
Michele |
| babysmama |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 10:29:39 AM
I think your kids should have chores but not an excess of them. Growing up my dad would do the dishes sometimes and mow the yard and the rest was up to my mom and the kids.
That said, my husband does help out with a lot. He didn't when we were first married. After I had our first child I was tired and sore the first week. My hubby went in the kitchen and made himself lunch and said "I made myself lunch so you don't have to." Did he make ME lunch too? Nope. I could have thrown a shoe at him. Honestly, I think he just didn't get it. He wouldn't dare try that now or he really may get a shoe thrown at him! lol
He loads and unloads the dishwasher (and though the silverware drawer isn't tidy anymore and dishes aren't stacked the way I would like they are done), mows, takes out the garbage, dumps the compost bucket, walks the dog, helps clean up when I ask, and gives the older two kids their bath. I think he finally gets it.
Maybe if you can ask your husband what he would like to do around the house and he could have that one set job it would ease the strain. Take out the garbage, or fold towels. Once he got into a routine of doing that one thing he would move on to more and realize that he is helping out and you do appreciate it. I don't mean to sound demeaning or sexist but men are often like dogs...they just don't realize what is expected of them until it is pointed out and then they won't do it unless there is a reward. Once they start to get rewarded from their work (compliments, less nagging, or a wife with a little more "free" time, if you catch my drift) they will realize it is worth it to help out at home.
-Elizabeth |
| asnedecor |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 07:00:31 AM
Jenny -
My husband is not the best around the house. His mother did all of the house work when he was a kid so he never learned household chores. But over the years I have learned to "work the system" with him. He does do the dishes - rule is if I cook he does the dishes - that means washing them because we have no dishwasher. I have learned to let them sit too (which is hard) but we have a small kitchen and a few dishes get in the way real fast and if he wants to make coffee in the morning he has to do the dishes - this has worked. Also from time to time I go on strike. I don't cook, I don't clean and I do only my laundry and I am verbal about it. Then he starts to do his part again. I just continue to remind him that we are a team and since both of us work fulltime he has to pull his weight around the house. It can be tiring at times for me, but if I make enough noise about it and vocalize my disappointment he comes around.
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 5:36:36 PM
Well, in the beginning, he (my soon-to-be ex) would do anything and everything as needed without asking. Cooking, cleaning, waxing floors - you name it. Over the years, though, he quit doing pretty much everything and expected the kids to take up his slack. He would order them to help me with the cleaning and bringing in firewood, shoveling snow, etc. while he sat on his butt in front of the tv. He didn't dare gripe to me about any messes because my pat answer was always "if it bothers you then, YOU take care of it". The older the kids got, the more they realized that they and mom were doing EVERYTHING and they resented him for it. Of course, there was a lot more to his problems than just laziness. But it certainly added to the rift between him and his children. In hindsight, I should have nipped that whole thing in the bud. I'm afraid that by allowing it to continue only made it impossible to correct later and that is partly my own doing. I hate to say it, but I actually felt like he needed to be dealt with like a child. By allowing him to get away with bad behavior, he believed it was then ok to continue with it and fought me tooth and nail when I tried to rectify the problem later. I don't know if my 2 cents is of any help to you at all but I sure hope the two of you can work it out.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 5:10:14 PM
Jenny I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. My husband is an absolute dream, when we met I was a single working mom and he pitched right in even before we were married. Even did the grocery shopping by himself without me asking. 30 years later he is still at it and I have to say we share all the work around the house, I help him in the yard and he is no stranger to a dust rag. He wasn't raised this way his Dad is like your husband, can't even make himself a sandwich. Our kids had their share of chores and they didn't always do them willingly but they did get done. I would never has thought of asking them to pick up the slack if their dad didn't help, just doesn't seem fair. Hope you find a resolution.
Hugs, Kathy |
| jennym |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 08:07:26 AM
Suzanne - You don't know what a relief it is to me to hear that about your kids! It's really been something that's bothered me, because I know what an issue it's been in our marriage and I don't want it to be carried on to the next generation! Having said that, I think the biggest problem with it hasn't been just that he won't help, but that he would get so mad if things weren't perfect....that is, mad at me because I wasn't "doing my job."
Men!
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
| jennym |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:58:44 AM
Hee hee - thanks Jamie! It really does help to be able to "talk" about it with others!
Here's one more teeny vent - a couple of years ago I had surgery - nothing serious, just an ovarian cyst. It was an out-patient procedure, and that evening his mom brought dinner up for us. She had everything ready to go - she made soup, lasagna, salad, garlic bread, and applesauce. The soup and lasagna were still hot, so he didn't have to do anything. He plonked a piece of lasagna on a plate and a little applesauce in a bowl, and brought it out to me on the sofa. He couldn't be bothered to even ask if I wanted any of the other stuff -I didn't even know there was anything else until the next day when I was able to walk to the kitchen myself.
(Having said that.....Linda - I'm truly so glad that your husband has been so good to you. Knowing what you're dealing with, it kind of puts things in perspective for me. I hope that you are doing well, and know that you are in my prayers. I wish you all the best.)
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
| Suzan |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:53:18 AM
Jenny, Your husband sounds exactly like mine!! When we were first married I didn't work for the first 20 yrs so I felt like everything at home was my responsibility. When he wanted me to go to work I made the assumption (incorrectly) that he would help around the house...I don't know why I assumed that since he never had...I just finally had to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't do everything the way I always had, some things just had to give. Now I really don't care if it gets done or not and he knows better than to ever say anything! Of course the kids are gone now so there isn't so much to do...and I'd rather craft than clean anyday!
As far as the kids go, mine always had chores and had to do whatever else I asked of them. They were great at it, and I have to say, my boys have always been willing to do laundry, cook, clean, help with babies, etc. They've made great husbands and fathers! If only their father would take a page from their books... |
| a rose |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:26:24 AM
Since I have been ill he does everything. Yes he does it all. Never thought I would see the day
Remember me as a rose. |
| simplyflowers |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:24:39 AM
OMG.....Vent anytime!!!! I do!! :) This is very serious I know, I feel that this situation is paining you deeply. And I'm sorry you are so upset.....
But I totally chuckled about the apologizing to the future wives thing.....I hope you are a successful negater.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Jamie
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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