| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| prairie_princess |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 3:21:27 PM
this is my first post to this section and i just wanted some advice on my dillema. my hubby and i have been married almost 4 years, together 6. i will be 28 in december, so i'm at or past that child bearing age. problem is, scott and i have decided (at least for now) we don't want children. i really don't think i want kids at all, ever, though i can't say i won't reach my 30's and 40's and want them because of hormones or something. i just don't have that biological clock at all. i don't see babies or kids and get that twinge of "i want one so bad" in my heart. i'm just happy as i am. i'm lucky scott decided he doesn't want them either. but i feel like such an outsider. i wonder what is wrong with me? why don't i feel like "everyone else" and want kids? and everyone i meet or talk to just assumes we want them. i know it's the next step after marriage and people think you want kids as the next step, so they naturally want to know "when are you going to start your family?" and i never really know what to say. should i be truthful and say we don't want them ever? should i just say i don't know when we are going to have a family? i don't want people to think i'm some emotionless, uncaring woman because i don't want kids. i have other plans for my future. another problem.... i'm an only child. my dad really has that idea of passing on his genes and wanting a grandson to play with. so i get the guilt trip every time i see him. i feel bad because i'm an only child because my mom had birth problems and it wasn't safe for them to have any more kids, even though they wanted them (i was a month early and weighed 2 pounds 11 oz. and she had a tubal pregnancy after me). so i can see their point. but it's not my responsibilty to have grandkids for them. i just wanted some wise words of advice on how i should feel, what i could say to people asking about it, and whatever advice you may have to offer. thank you fellow farmgals!
Elizabeth
"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
-Guillaume Apollinaire |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| stefffic |
Posted - Aug 28 2009 : 12:42:45 PM
I tell people I'm allergic to children. ;) I've never wanted kids, liked kids, or had any desire to have dealings with children.
Some people are too nosy for their own good, I hate it when people ask when I'm going to get married or have kids.
"A quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself."
"One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries." A A Milne |
| MissLiss |
Posted - Aug 27 2009 : 9:09:10 PM
Elizabeth, it sounds like that neighbor who was bugging you was just jealous! I am 28, married and have a 3 year old daughter. I love her, don't get me wrong and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but boy do I get jealous of my girlfriends without kids! How nice it must be to go out whenever you want or have a nice date with your husband/boyfriend and not have to find a sitter. I think two things are true sometimes. 1. I think some women get jealous (whether aware of it or not) of your freedom without kids and 2. Some women just assume that you are a woman and therefor WANT kids or NEED them to make you whole or something. My husband was in the Marine Corps and we were surrounded by 19 and 20 year old couples with 2 or 3 kids, asking us why we didn't have any yet? Weren't we going to have kids? Yes, we wanted kids, but we wanted to be married for a little while first. We wanted to have time together, just the two of us, before we went down that road. So I know how it feels on both sides. Don't beat yourself up over it. When debating whether or not to have another child, my mom told me not to have another child just because I didn't want my first one to be lonely or because everyone expects us to have more than one. She told me that if I was debating about it, then I shouldn't do it. When you want to have a child, you want to have a child. If you don't, there is nothing wrong with that. A child is a HUGE commitment, like someone mentioned earlier - it's not all sweet all the time! Puking, pooping, screaming, tantrums, you name it! You can't send it back and nobody else is going to take care of it for you. So if you don't want one, by golly, don't have one. And you should feel confident saying so. Anyone who would question your choice or criticize you for it is nobody you need to be around anyway!
Melissa
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make it do,
Or go without! |
| Annab |
Posted - Aug 24 2009 : 06:11:33 AM
I feel it is far more selfish to bring a children into the world and then altar no part of the existing lifestyle. You can examples of this all the time. The poor kids are like the perverbial family dog tied outside.
It kills me to see child's bleary eyes when they are forced to go out in public with the parent and catch naps on the fly...or spend late evenings at adult parties.
I love kids, I just don't want them around all the time
Think back to when we were all super young and try to recall the things that we wanted once we became adults.
At no point in time was having a child on my list.....beats me why??
(shrugging here w/ hands in the air) the desire just isn't there
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| prairie_princess |
Posted - Aug 18 2009 : 11:03:16 AM
sherrie - i think the native outlook is very fitting! maybe that's the way to look at it... i'm the OTHER type woman, which sounds good to me, being a warrior. moms and warriors both have their strengths, just in different areas of themselves and their lives.
anna - i've questioned this notion, one you brought up and i've heard from my grandma - women who don't want kids are selfish. are we? i don't think so, really. i told my grandma when she said this to me "no, i think having a child when you DON'T want one is selfish. you weren't thinking of the child's well being, and that's pretty selfish."
i'm pretty surprised at how many replies this topic has brought... and so much wonderful advice and stories!!!
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
| Diane B Carter |
Posted - Aug 10 2009 : 1:47:54 PM
If you and your husband don't want any children thats OK by me. My youngest will be almost 30 when he gets married and he has said they plan on having 1 or 2 no more. I said thats fine by me. My oldest said mom, I don't think I want children I want to travel and see the world and I want to be able to do what I want to do. I was glad, at least he knows that if he had a child his life would change a lot and he just likes his life as it is. I already had my kids and I do get my grandson from my husbands youngest daughter a lot, and she's having another by a different boyfriend so I'll do a lot with that child also. I think your right if you don't want them don't have them they are expensive, time consumming, muddy, little people that need someone who wants them. There are a lot of unhappy children in this world planned and unplanned. I admire you for knowing what you want and don't want and sticking to it.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
| junkjunkie |
Posted - Aug 08 2009 : 08:01:19 AM
There are a lot of posts on this topic and I really don't have anything more to add other than...do what YOU FEEL is best for you. Don't let anyone pressure you or try the 'selfishness and lonely later in life' argument to do something you may regret later. Not everyone is meant to have children, and that's fine. Everyone is different and unique and a lifestyle is not a 'one size fits all' formula. You have time on your side if you decide later and there's always adoption if you don't get pregnant. Having a child when not ready only results in resentment on the part of the parent, and the child will feel that,causing problems later in life. Also, children are not a guarantee of being taken care of later in life. How many times have we heard of parents being drained financially and taken advantage of by their 'adult' selfish, unresponsible offspring and sometimes abuse is involved. I know, that is usually not the case...but it happens. Also, as someone mentioned, you could be put in a home because they don't want you to impose on their lifestyle. There are NO guarantees. Today, there are more options available to us than past generations. If you and your husband want to travel, do the things that would be curtailed by having children, and generally enjoy a freer life...then do it!
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
| dutchy |
Posted - Aug 08 2009 : 04:57:11 AM
Maybe I am not the right person to listen too, but I'll tell my 2 cents worth anyways, lol.
I never had children, never married (I am 52 now)
I have always stated I didn't wanna get married, didn't wanna have kids. NOW in my 50's, living single and all alone, I wonder. I know if I had anything to say in it when I was young, I would have gotten married and hopefully would have had children. Sounds strange this sentence, I know. IF you knew my youth you would understand, too long to go into here :(
But now I am set in my ways, enjoy my life for the most part.
It is YOUR life, YOUR choice. If you don't want to have children, it is your prerogative to think like that. NOBODY has to make your choices and you have never to apologize or explain your reasoning for not wanting them. And maybe later in life you both might change your minds. ALSO your prerogative.
Chin up girl, you're gonna be just fine :)
Hugs....
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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| Annab |
Posted - Aug 08 2009 : 03:24:38 AM
Thanks Sherrie....I'm taking your comment to heart too.
And yes, I'm probably also the warrior/medicine type.
.
I had a nice quiet dinner w/ my mom last night, and wouldn't 'cha know, this same topic came up.
I pretty much told her the same stuff that's been stated here....hubby and I enjoy the lifestyle we are living, yes we are being selfish, but can admit it and don't want to chang our lifestyle. It's so liberating being able to come and go and to just do whatever. Funny, she agreed to all my points. And I think she also agrees that if children are not wanted, don't make the sacrifice that may be taken out on kids just b/c the parents were pressured into making a decision that they regret
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| knitnpickinatune |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 2:24:44 PM
Elizabeth,I'm just like you-except I'm single. I'll be 46 and never have wanted children. It's not that I don't like kids,but I just never had the "mommy gene"...go figure. I've run into women who were just aghast that I have none-and the funny thing with those types is,all they can talk about is their kids,and well if you can't talk on that same subject they're like lost sheep. I was married many years ago and he knew I didn't want kids from the 1st date. Well,we wound up divorcing,part of the problem was all at once he wanted kids.(I've been single again for 10 years) I say go with what your heart tells you is right-and you have a lovin hubby who is in agreement with you! That's wonderful.
I'm part native American,and among some tribes is the beliefs that there are 2 types of women-the mothers and the warriors (on a spiritual level) well,I definately fit in the Spiritual Warrior Medicine Path catagory. I think too much fuss is made about women bearing children. Hopes this helps you-you are normal!
http://www.mandochicks.com
http://www.mandolinbabe.com |
| DivaHick |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 08:29:54 AM
Agh! NO one has the right to ask that question of anyone! In your case, you don't want to have kids and the question makes you uncomfortable. In my case, people ask it and I CAN'T have kids. They have no right to my medical history and there's no way to get around it. And if I tell them I can't, then they give me advice on how to get pregnant. (And if one more person tells me to "just relax and it'll happen", I blow my top!) And friends of mine have lost babies in utero. People ask them when they are going to start having kids, they answer 8 years ago, but they died.
I'm sorry I'll hop down off my soapbox.
But seriously, you could ask people who ask you, "Are you really that interested in my sex life? Cause if you know where babies come from..."
Yes I play the spoons, but I do it with perfectly manicured nails... |
| Annab |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 03:47:13 AM
Ditto the above statement and all the other stuff that comes w/ being a parent.
It has its rewards I know for sure
But I too love being able to come and go on a whim, sleep in and vacation as we see fit.
It's a selfish thing for sure, I'll admit. But as was just stated, where are those people at 3 a.m. when your kid is screaming, sick or hurt.
Most of our friends have kids.
The only thing that really jars me-- is thinking about when my spouse dies. Who will take care of me? But really, what's to guarantee a child who will reciprocate the love and not just lock their parent in a nursing home and never visit. Some life.
This is where having a huge friend base and remainig active in the community will really come in handy.
I view this same as natural childbirth. It's a nice personal goal, and honorable for sure-- for which sometimes there is no thanks, but still a personal choice just the same.
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| moxieblossom |
Posted - Aug 03 2009 : 08:25:13 AM
I've been married to my hubby almost 7 years. I'm 30, he's 37, and we don't have kids other than the furry kind. :)
When we first got married, we both agreed that we didn't want to have kids. Recently I've been revisiting that, as most of our friends have had kids and we're getting some pressure from our families... however, in my heart of hearts, I'm still not sure that I REALLY want kids, or if it's just all the pressure getting to me. He's still fairly against having kids right now, although he does acknowledge that his feelings might change at some point.
For us, it's partially a maturity thing, we enjoy our freedom! We're still trying to work off debt and get into a more stable place in our life. Plus we'd really rather be in Tennessee with our families and a good support system if we have kids, right now we don't have any family around us here. Add to that some medical issues I have that could interfere with pregnancy, that's another big factor in our "no kids" decision right now.
Adoption/foster care might be a possibility down the road, so if our situation changes and if at that point I'm unable to have kids, we'll definitely consider it.
I don't really have any advice, except try not to let other influence your decisions too heavily. It's natural for family and friends to "want" you to have kids, and in a way it's a compliment! But ultimately, when the baby is crying at 3am, you are the one who has to take care of the baby, not your family/friends.
Farmgirl #242
http://vintage-moxie.blogspot.com |
| Annab |
Posted - Aug 03 2009 : 04:51:34 AM
Hubby and I have been married for almost 9 years. I'll be 40 next year.
I too have never had the desire
I wonder why that is for some of us. I grew up with a brother in a very loving home.
In the list of long term goals and dreams, having children never did register
The pressure is unbearable form the outside sometimes.
I think my folks have accepted it.
And medically speaking, my eggs are probably fried from too much radiation from x-rays as an infant |
| willowtreecreek |
Posted - Aug 02 2009 : 11:37:27 AM
I weiged in on this last year (my response is on page 1) and I still feel the same. I'm 31 now and feel no more likely that I want kids as I did back then. Some people are just meant NOT to have kids. Be okay with who you are!
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
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| 4forMe |
Posted - Aug 02 2009 : 07:08:05 AM
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a child. It is when people who don't want children have them for other reasons that is wrong IMO. For instance, having a child to save a marriage, or because your parents are guilting you into making them grandparents...those are wrong reasons, IMO.
Being a parent is a HUGE life changing event and if you aren't absolutely sure that you want your life to change, than I say hold off, and enjoy your life the way it is.
I think choosing not to have a child if you know you aren't ready, or sure you want one, is a sign of MATURITY.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 4. |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 9:02:29 PM
Elizabeth;
I am one of six girls in the family. My youngest sister did not want children, and she never had children. I say if that is how you feel about the topic, then, so be it. This is your life. Remember, this is not a dress rehearsel. Don't do something your heart says not to do. Maybe later you may change your mind.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 10:45:14 AM
It sounds to me like you are buying into the guilt thing that other people love to put on childless couples. Misery loves company! lol. You are being honest this is the way you feel now. So go with it. Having children is a wonderful thing, but it is one heck of a lot of work and worry and yes sacrifice too. Don't feel like you should be guilty because you are enjoying your life the way it is. It is great to be able to do what you want when you want. Not to have someone else to tend to all the time. Especially if that is your choice. I always wanted kids from the time I was a kid. But, that doesn't make it right for everyone. So stop worrying about other peoples opinions and live your life. You change your mind, have kids, no big deal, your business, your choice. The only way to overcome immaturity is growing and maturing. That will come,it doesn't mean you are immature for not wanting kids.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 09:24:22 AM
My two cents....you don't have a baby for any other reason than wanting one. Being a parent will push you into many things but if you aren't sure you want to go there DON"T
Kathy |
| prairie_princess |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 09:00:20 AM
this is my new hang-up: like chandasue, i think i would be fine if i accidentally got pregnant. DH and i are in a good living situation where we could afford having a child and i know he'd be an awesome dad.
but, here's my question: i don't feel mature enough most of the time to want a child. i'll say it, i'm selfish and not ready to change for a child. i like to be able to take a trip without the worry of who will take care of my child. i like the freedom of DH and i being able to go out and have romantic fun without a child around. and although i don't have that "feeling" of wanting a child, is having a child about the only way i will get over this immaturity? is a kid what it takes to push me into being a "real" adult? or are my inner feelings that are telling me i don't want a child what i should really be listening to?
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
| chandasue |
Posted - Nov 25 2008 : 09:18:57 AM
I had no desire to have a child until I accidentally got pregnant and all of a sudden I was totally OK with having a child, even down right happy about it. I didn't have my son until I was 30. There is no harm in waiting. We're planning on having a second in a couple more years which will make me 34 or 35. I don't want two in diapers. ;) Basically what I'm saying is don't get too hung up on your age. I blew off the family pressure for years. Your mental image of a complete family, be it just the two of you, or if it changes down the road, is yours and yours alone. Best of luck. :) |
| NatureNymph |
Posted - Nov 18 2008 : 1:07:10 PM
You're not going to like me...but here goes...
One: If you are frustrated or offended by other people's comments it MIGHT be because you are not 100 per cent sure of your decision yourself. If you were sure it wouldn't be an issue. I think you MAY be feeling the pressure because you are having your own doubts about your choice and that's okay. It's hard to know what to do at any age and I doubt someone can know for 100% that they will never want kids, I believe it is a decison that happens over time. A child-free couple may waffle back and forth for many years, constantly revisiting the issue (often sparked by one partner or the other) again and again until a concensis is made. I did not want kids until I found out I was pregnant and that changed everything.
Two: Telling yourself that 28 years old is too old for having babies is just a way to justify or excuse your choice and it's unnecessary. If you need justification beyond "I just don't want any" then maybe your decision is not made completely and you need more time. And that's okay too. 28 is not passed the child bearing age...that's ridiculous. A lot can happen in the next 12 to 17 years so I would suggest not doing anything permenate if you can help it.
Three: Whatever you do, do not make the decision out of fear. Fear can hold you back and tie you down when you don't even know it.
Of course, do what you want. These things kind of popped out at me from your post.
I'm 28 and would love to have two or three more (we have two now) but are having fertility problems. As hard as it had been, I know it is happening for a reason and I feel the need to justify my desires to no one. Life is what it is.
"Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion." Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
http://simplicitysampler.blogspot.com/
http://blessewefarm.blogspot.com/ |
| MsCwick |
Posted - Nov 18 2008 : 07:26:18 AM
Elizabeth, you are not the only one. I am 26(27 in Feb) and we have been married for 4 and a half years. We also are not planning on any kids. DH is better with them than me, but for the most part, it's just not something that we are so worried about doing. There isnt anything wrong with you for not wanting them. Our family right now is me and him and our critters and we call them our babies. Not all women before the age of 30 are predisposed to bearing children. Like you said, maybe in 10 years. That's a long time from now, and you and your husband will both change between now and then. You are not alone. I am younger than you and I feel the same way. His parents bug me about a baby, so I just joke with them and tell them we just got a puppy, that's the baby for now....
Cristine |
| greyghost |
Posted - Nov 17 2008 : 2:34:36 PM
I'm 32, married 8 years, no kids. I'm finally at the point that if we got pregnant, I think I would be OK about it, but up until recently, I really didn't want children. When people ask, I point to my dogs and say "I have kids, aren't they great?"
I'm perfectly happy with my furkids. That's all that really matters anyway. |
| K-Falls Farmgirl |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 09:03:55 AM
Elizabeth, here is my 2 cents worth... Don't have children if you do not have 100% support from your husband. If your life is set where you are doing what you want and living comfortably. Children are wonderful. But Its a lot of sacrifice and worth every one if you are happy having them. I agree ""ride your own pony" Life is too short to be stressed about what the future holds.. Enjoy each day with your husband and Love, respect and honor him. He is your family and I am sure he will do the same.
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 08:37:05 AM
You and your husband know in your hearts what you want. As well you're only 28 that's still young you have plenty of time to decide, who knows how you'll both feel in 10 years, you might feel the same or not. Ultimately, don't sweat the small stuff, you'll know if having children is right for you.
Some of us know we want children and some of us know we don't, both are perfectly fine. |
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