| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mikesgirl |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 11:08:11 AM
for an advanced Alzheimer's patient in their home? My mom has run out of money, so I'm having to make some tough decisions about what to do after November. One option would be to bring her to my house. She is wheelchair bound, non-verbal, incontinent. I don't feel very qualified - I've never done anything like this before except when she first started to get sick, I moved in with her and tried to care for her. She would have NONE of it at that time. But things are different now. I also know myself pretty well and think I'd get frustrated and go stir crazy not being able to leave if I needed to. Just wondered if anyone has ever done anything like this for a close relative before and if so, how did it go?
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Mother Hen |
Posted - Nov 24 2008 : 11:44:13 PM
Sherri, I have a long story too to go along with your situation, but bottom of the story is this: My mother-in-law had late stages of dementia when she fell and broke her hip. She developed bed sores on the back of her heels in just 3 days at the hospital (long story I won't go into because it gets my blood boiling). We had her transferred to Clarkston WA to have hip surgery and have a would specialist take care of her heels. We sent her to a nursing home for rehab to try to get her to stand and take a few steps so when we brought her home I could get her out of bed and into a wheel chair or on a potty chair. Well she did pretty good at rehab. Medicare covers up to 100 days of nursing home stay, but only part of it. We were lucky enough my mother-in-law had a secondary policy which covered what Medicare didn't up to the 100 days. Well when she came home to her house she just wouldn't try anymore. My daughter and I moved in with her while my husband stayed at our house (on the property). We had to hire a private agency to come over 2 hrs/day 3 days/wk so they could help me get her out of the hospital bed(get an MD to write a script and Medicare will cover rental 100%), and to give a bed bath, change her clothes and bed linen and feed her. When she fell she hurt her shoulder, although nothing broken she wouldn't use it anymore. She was incontinent before she fell also. I had requested a visit by the home health agency's nurse and after 5 weeks they came out. We don't have "Hospice" in our area, we have what is termed "Terminal Care". The nurse saw the stage of my mother-in-law and said we needed more help. Of course I knew that but her MD wouldn't refer us to Terminal Care. This home health RN did and we started getting free home health aide twice a week and an RN 1-2 times a week. We also were able (thru Terminal Care) to get her pain patches, wound care items (for her heal that I was now taking care of) and pain pills FREE. We had also tried and tried to no avail to get help by asking at the nursing home, her regular MD, the wound care MD, everyone, but no one had any helpful leads for us until that one home health nurse came to the house.
Now, my husband's father made him promise, before he died, he would never put his mother in a nursing home. I married my husband almost 4 yrs ago and started taking care of her soon as I moved out here. I agreed to help my husband keep his promise to his father. I had no idea what I was getting into back then, but I'm sure glad I did it. My mother-in-law was the same type of martyr who didn't want anyone to do anything for her. She was at home for 3 months before she died. She always wanted to die at home, and we made sure she was where she wanted to be.
A couple of things you might want to check out is: do you have power of attorney over your mother? Does she have a living will and an Advanced Directive?
These things were invaluable to my husband.
I hope my story has helped in some small way. But a VERY BIG thing that most of the women have said is very true--you NEED-HAVE TO HAVE, a great support system if you take care of your mother. I was told that and thought, oh I can do it. But NO you have to have someone at least on the other end of the phone to vent to.
Also, I don't know if you are a praying woman or not, but if you are, you need to ask God to help you make this decision and to be at ease after the decision is made. Put her in God's hands to take care of and do what he tells you to do. I hope I'm not preaching, but it really helped me find comfort when my mother-in-law stopped eating and 2 weeks later when she stopped drinking. She lasted 9 more days after stopping drinking, and it was hard. It's very hard, but if you can, one of the most rewarding things to have done, after it's all over. My mother-in-law just passed away last month.
May you find peace in your decision and may God Bless you!!!!!
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
| neuseriverlady |
Posted - Nov 23 2008 : 8:24:15 PM
Sherri - I just got in on this chat. Any updates? The only advice I can give is to keep trying with the various government agencies and keep praying. And don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends. I have done volunteer work for Hospice and would encourage you to contact them, if nothing else, perhaps they can provide some relief from the 24/7 care. You have some very hard decisions to make and need all the support you can get. My prayers are with you. |
| shepherdgirl |
Posted - Nov 11 2008 : 4:36:45 PM
Whatever you choose to do Sherri, don't let other's get you down. It's so easy to pass judgment on someone else's actions/decisions when they're standing on the OUTSIDE looking in. It's a whole different ballgame when you are the one standing on the INSIDE looking OUT!
My mother-in-law took care of her own mother for 12yrs and it was heartbreaking to have to witness that from BOTH sides. I would sit with her mother sometimes just so my mother-in-law could have a few hours to herself. It was hard for ME for just those few hours. I could not imagine having to take care of her 24/7. I admire the fact that she did NOT just dump her mother in a home and forget about her.
It takes a lot time, a lot of energy and A LOT of self sacrifice to give up your own life to care for a loved one like that. In no way is it a selfish thing, but it's also one of the hardest things a person can ever do. But remember this-- people who make such sacrifices for their loved ones are storing their riches in heaven-- riches that can never be taken away. You will truly be blessed no matter what decision you make. Hugs and God's great blessings to you ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
| K-Falls Farmgirl |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 1:41:04 PM
(((((hug))))) Sherri, Your a very good daughter, Whatever decision you make will be a hard one. Don't stop asking for help from any & everyone you meet in your researching journey, There is someone out there even a private helper who is qualified. We never think of these things happening do we? My father eventually had to go into an adult care home because my mom could not care for him after he had a hemiplegic stroke. 15 years she tried & gave her best. My 3 sisters & i helped as much as we could, having jobs of our own & families too. Finally, because of an accident at the adult care home * he was taken to a nursing home*..My dad died 6 years ago in January and I must say We all miss him terribly , but it took a toll on my mother's health as well and so I say Stay healthy, Get some help even if its only for a few hours a day if you take her in... Bless you and your mom. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
| sleepless reader |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 08:53:23 AM
Dear Sherri,
I am thinking about you and what you are going thru. There but for the grace of God.... Just from your writings, I can tell you are a loving and concerned daughter and what ever the final decision is, it will be the right one for you and your mom; even if it isn't the easiest.I'll be keeping you in my prayers.Good luck with "the system"!
Sharon
Farmgirl Sister #74
Life is messy. Wear your apron! |
| Alee |
Posted - Nov 06 2008 : 08:20:25 AM
Hey Sherri- any news? I was thinking about you lots yesterday.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Nov 06 2008 : 06:34:11 AM
Have you talked to the the Advocates for the Elderly in your area? Cause they do things no matter what the income of the person is, they have a lot of resources!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| GreenAcreGal |
Posted - Nov 04 2008 : 1:25:41 PM
Oh Sherri how my heart goes out to you. I know too well the turmoil you're going through. My father has ALS which is a terrible, debilitating disease. He came home a year ago June on a ventilator. He requires total care as he is on life support and cannot move his arms at all. My Mom has been the primary caregiver but now her cancer has returned and she is emotionally and physically exhausted. She doesn't seek the care that she NEEDS because she is concerned with dad's care.
I made the decision to close my business earlier this year to have the flexibility to be able to help them. I want to tell you that I have no regrets for the decisions I've made thusfar. Because everyday is precious and a gift. However, all that having been said...my parents did qualify for Medicare and Medicaid and we are thankful for all they have provided...but...there is NOT enough help! We only receive 6 hours from a nurses aide per week and we finally were approved for 14 hours respiratory care per week. SO, even with both services it is not enough when they are totally dependent.
My father-in-law has Alzheimers and is in a nursing care facility. He became combative and could no longer be cared for at home. We hate to have him there but we feel our hands are tied. However, we find comfort in knowing he IS with experienced caregivers. This disease too is so heartwrenching. I know there seems to be no REAL definitive answers to all your concerns but please know that you are in my prayers for wisdom, comfort and strength to do whatever you need to do. There is no right or wrong decision it's just making the decision that works for you. We are here for support as you go through this time. This forum has been my respite.
Many hugs.
~Blessings~
Bev |
| LunaTheFarmLady |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 8:54:45 PM
Sherry
My heart goes out to you. My mom is has advanced Alzheimer's. Our situation is different in that she was eligible for medicare but I know first hand how hard this is for you and what you are going through.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Luna The Farm Lady
http://blueballmountainspindleneedleworks.blogspot.com/
|
| mikesgirl |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 7:59:30 PM
Thanks Jenn, but I already sold her house on a contract to bring in extra money each month, but the payments aren't big enough now to cover her expenses. The reverse mortgage may have just been the ticket. It was so hard, a few years ago, trying to decide what to do - hang onto her house and make her ineligible for help (turns out that she's ineligible anyway!), sell it, or I could have put it in my name. It's all a gamble - you have no idea what's going to happen in the future and everything has a time frame attached to it. If I had put it in my name, and she had been able to get help within three years of that time, they would have attached the house, so I didn't do that - you just don't know how long before they get really sick, and you don't know all the rules up front. Very frustrating - that's why I vent on here - maybe someone else will have a little more info ahead of time if they find themselves in this situation.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
| La Patite Ferme |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 2:13:24 PM
My heart goes out to you Sherri. I think we always want to see our parents as they were when we were young.
After reading the other posts I got the impression your mom had a home, and if that's the case I have a thought. Mind you I'm grasping at straws here with really no info, but what about a reverse mortgage on her house? That might give you the money you need for care and other bills. I know the market is really lousy right now, but if it's doable it might be another option to consider. Just an off the top of my head idea. I'll be sending good thoughts to you and your family. |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 6:05:01 PM
I cared for my grandma the last ten years of her life.
Most times it wasn't so bad. However, there was a few times I really really needed help. I would ask her dr for help (where I could go, where I could get help) and all he would ever say was to put her in a home! UHG! After she died, I was talking to my other grandma's (my paternal grandma, it was my maternal grandma we took care of) brother's wife! lol (yes long story here) And she was telling me about her dad and how he was in a adult day care. Right in my same city. This was just months after my grandma had died. She told me about ALL kinds of resources for help for such ones! Not just a home! GRRR, makes me so freaking mad at that dr when I even think about it now.
So call up some of your local places, like there's is usually some kind of advocates for the elderly (I've just more recently found out about!) that can really really help you, all for free, and they don't care about your income!
Also any one can get paid by medicare to take care of older ones, so you may be able to get paid from medicare for this (again the advocate groups can help you on this more). I know you wouldn't do this for money, but the money may be able to help you do more for your mom! (like pay for things you may need, like a day care situation or such). Any way, this again I didn't know about when grandma was alive! GRRR.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Jami |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 10:42:33 AM
Sherri, I'm without a blood relative sister too so know that feeling. My brothers are great but they don't take on care issues like most of us gals do.
Glad you've got a bit of time to think.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
| mikesgirl |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 10:15:02 AM
Hi everyone. Thanks for being so supportive of me while I'm trying to decide what to do. I have a month - a couple of my kids contributed for November so we're set til the end of November. That is such a blessing because it gives me time to explore the veterans option that Frannie made me aware of. Jami - in WA respite is the same as COPES - income dependent. But, if I have her here, I'm not paying for the home, so that money would be available for respite I think. Thats something else I have to explore. My farmgirl sisters are the greatest - wonderful support for someone who is "biological sister challenged"! Thanks again all for caring and helping.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
| Jami |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 08:24:05 AM
Sherri, you have some decisions to make that are not easy and I understand your frustration when you're trying so hard to find the help your mother needs and it's just not there. I also understand the responsibility you feel for your mother. I would be the same way.
How is your decision progressing? To make it work for her to live with you, can you get respite care...is it only for the rich or poor and not the in-betweeners?
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
| frannie |
Posted - Oct 26 2008 : 5:35:51 PM
sherri, had to check in to see if your dad was a veteran, glad to hear that and hope that may be an avenue for you and your mom.
my dh says for you to contact the veterans administration and the state veterans homes(for washington state).
he also says if you dont like what you hear or it sounds confusing to call him at his work, i will send you his phone number at work and his cell phone.
thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, i will be doing the same for you sherri, i you will do the best you can for your mom, but i really hope you dont have to slack off on your crafting. your childrens jackets and hats are so wonderful and i dont want you to have to give that up.
love from texas.
love
frannie in texas
(http://abunnystale.wordpress.com/) |
| mikesgirl |
Posted - Oct 26 2008 : 09:15:32 AM
Thanks Frannie - my dad was a WWII veteran but no one has ever asked me that when I'm trying to find help for her. Maybe I'll call the Vetran's Administration and ask. Thanks again! And by the way, you hang in there - I'm thinking about you!
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
| frannie |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 6:05:50 PM
hi sherri, glad to see your post here, i have missed you lately, and then a friend told me you were away taking care of your mom.
my mom took care of my dad with alzheimers for 17 years in their home and it was very hard. she was in her 60s-70s during this time and was not in the best of shape herself. but my dad was verbal and ambulatory throughout most of his illness. he also died about 13 years ago so all the info i have on this is old enough to maybe not be pertinent. i do know that this is a very hard and frustrating journey and i agree with the good info posted here already.
when my parents looked into some kind of help they also had too much income by about 18 dollars a month. they were trying to get help from the va. finally they submitted it again and reminded the guy that they were paying for all his meds out of pocket and that they then qualified for assistance. so it isnt just the monthly income but also minus the expenses he had. if your mom is on medicare then every time she has a change in condition, ie a new diagnosis she should qualify for medicare a again and some services should be upgraded for 100 days. all of this stuff feels like nuclear science to me and i worked in nursing homes for about 15 years.
in texas if the husband was a veteran we have new homes called state veteran homes and they are open to the spouses of veterans, so if your dad was a veteran your mom might be eligble for those if you have them in your state.
i am really sorry you are going through this sherri, i do believe that people dont really realize how difficult it is if they havent been through it. the hard part should just be the decision of when a loved one has to leave home and go to some kind of care. until my dad was sick i didnt really realize that for some folks it is totally out of reach.
i will be thinking of you, and if your dad was a veteran you might want to call my husband cause he works for the va and deals with these type of issues for spouses of vets all the time. alot of folks dont realize that these benefits are even available. it is a new program and not publicized that much.
love.
love
frannie in texas
(http://abunnystale.wordpress.com/) |
| Ronna |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 5:03:23 PM
Rich people can afford the bills, poor people get aid..it's those in the middle who suffer, along with the families who have to struggle to do what's best for their parents. Hospice takes over when life expectency is less than 6 months, I found that out with my mother. Not a good scenario any way you look at it, to care for her in your home. If there are any Alzheimers support groups in your area, they would know best what options you might have for her care. My thoughts are with you. |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 10:40:48 PM
Oh Sherri..I hate that you have to deal with all this. My mom cared for my grandma (her mother in law not her own mom) in her home for 9 years. She had dementia and finally alzhiemers. She lived to be 90 and was only put in a nursing home finally when my mom was about ready to flip out. I think it should have happened alot sooner in her case. My grandma was not nice at all to my mom and visa versa. They never were close and it wasn't a good situation. My mom did get to get out and had someone come in..she even got away for weekends sometimes...so that helped I am sure. I guess with the non verbal part you won't have the arguments and all that they had...but still..you have to think about YOUR mental health too. I wish I could be closer to help..even if it were just "mom-sitting" now and then. (((hugs))))
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 10:04:57 PM
Oh Sherri! That is so hard! I wish I lived next door so I could give you a big hug right now!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| mikesgirl |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 2:12:12 PM
Alee - the Medicaid is not applicable in mom's case. Her monthly income is too great for medicaid, but not enough to pay her bills. Most people don't realize that some people fall into this gap - if your income is greater than $1910 a month in WA, you are not eligible. Mom's is greater than that - but it is not anywhere near the $3000 for her care, plus her insurance, plus her medical bills - not to mention "luxuries" like clothing, transport to the doc., etc. I sure didn't know that this problem existed before I started dealing with it, but I have been schooled in a hurry. If you are in this situation, there is NO help available - I have been told time and time again.
Oh, and her doctor's visit yesterday revealed that she has the beginnings of Parkinson's disease also, so her care will be increasing. Please everyone, say a little prayer for Mom and for help for me to decide what to do. I appreciate everyone's good thoughts. It's bad enough to have this happen to your mom, but then to have the system fail you, it makes it even worse.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
| Carol Sue |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 01:09:57 AM
Oh Sherri, just hard decisons to have to make. The only advice I can give, is make sure you have a good support system for yourself. It is vital for you to be able to handle all that you will be dealing with if she comes home. Dealing with Dan's head injury and all that that entailed it was my one saving grace was my support system.
Praying for you, hugs.
Farmgirl #39
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 9:14:28 PM
Oh but is has to be in a Nursing Home, but not an assisted living home. The article I am reading is from USA Today from last year (I am sure changes have been made in Medicaid since then so I hope the information is still good)
http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/eldercare/2007-06-24-elder-care-costs_N.htm
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 9:13:16 PM
Does she have medicaid? I did a google search and the article I am reading says after the person's personal money runs out, Medicaid should cover all the costs?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
|
|
