| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 05 2007 : 6:53:18 PM
My hubby told me why just a couple of hours ago and honestly, I don't even remember why by now. Something someone said to them a while back upset them...I guess it was somehting I said even farther back...I just don't remember.
Everything ticks them off and I really don't care anymore. I told him he probably needed to just go home to them and stay there. They want him all to themselves and he just can't see it. I told him that he will never have a regular relationship due to his family interferring. Oh yes, I did. I know why his ex's (wives and girlfriends) just bailed on him but apparantally (sp?) no one has ever REALLY told WHY. He seems totally perplexed, honestly, he does. I'm not religious in the least but I told him that even the Bible says to leave your family and cleave to your wife. I get that part but he doesn't.
There is a lot of other things and it would bore you to read it but other than his family, he is the best man going, bar none. No man is better. So I suggested we part ways for a while but do nothing legal for the time being till one of us decides we really want to part ways or get back together.
Just had to vent and thanks for listening...
Winona 
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| aimeeravae |
Posted - Nov 21 2007 : 07:57:05 AM
I posted it on your other post, but steel ovaries are good. And it feels good to have them.
Aimee
http://laplantewardklopf.blogspot.com/
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| Nin |
Posted - Nov 20 2007 : 2:21:54 PM
I'm sorry, I hope you can work things out. Sometimes it's good to get a bit of space. Good luck!
www.peachyhollow.com
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| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 8:42:44 PM
I DID IT!! I went to the barn this pm and had a great time. I had dropped hubby off at his parents house and away to the barn I went. When I was 'done' (it was getting pretty dark otherwise I'd still be there) I went back to their house and we ate and then sat around and watched TV (Oregon vs. Arizona). The tension was there from his mother and daughter but I was oblivious and actually had a good time cuz now I just flat don't care and am thru walking on eggshells. I stayed close to hubby and didn't let myself get caught by myself with them and it worked a charm. Even my SIL was decent to me. I get on with men better (but not in relationships it seems) and the guys and I had a great time talking football, which I know nothing about other than a lot of the guys have some cute tushies!!
Maybe I have made a breakthru with your help?? I'd like to think so!! Tmr the girls from the barn and I are going to lunch and hubby is on his own for a bit. I just told him and he said good deal! Well, can you believe???
Wow.
Winona ;-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| junkjunkie |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 2:28:16 PM
Winona, I can sympathize (sp?) with what you're going through, although I'm not married, and have never married. I think about that sometimes, and I've come to the conclusion that unconciously (sp again...can't spell anymore..lol!) I never wanted to get married. When I was young, I assumed that I would be and have a family, but it was never a great desire. I remember when an uncle would ask me..."So when are you going to get married?" and I would reply, maybe never! I don't regret it, as I'm not too great at relationships (and am pretty independent), even with my immediate family (my older and only sister). We never really got along even when we were growing up, and though we're both in our 50's, I don't think we've ever grown out of it. Don't get me wrong, there are times that we do get along, but we both have to work at it. Our dynamics clash, and we do have our dramas (my fault as well as hers). So as a consequence right now after one of our fights, I'll be going with my aunt and uncle out to dinner for Thanksgiving. That's ok.....I feel I need a good break from her for a while. lol! Well, good luck to you and stand your ground. There are times you have to take a tough position! Otherwise, you would go crazy. :) Families are interesting! Judy
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 08:27:52 AM
Welp, you're right just something happens and we get into a 'discussion' and, just yesterday as a matter of fact, we got into it again but I'm finally getting to the point (the line wavers from time to time) of let him go and I'll deal with stuff on my own. I like to think I'm pragmatic too and realize they won't ever change but do object being dragged all the time to these functions.
I just recently thought of that I'm so bad at relationships that I'd almost rather not do them, just go it alone. I don't get all the blood stuff and all the drama. Hubby doesn't get it totally but I have pointed out some things that have rocked him back on his heels. I can't believe no one has ever pointed this stuff out to him but I guess not in their trying to get along. *shrugs*
Honestly, venting here has been good for me. To know I'm not alone and be able to spout off and then get different views. I feel a bit strengthened by all this.
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 06:09:45 AM
Winona, I know plenty of married folks (especially second marriages) who don't subscribe to blending all the folks up--especially those who don't get along.
My step-mil, is very independent, and she doesn't necessarily care for my fil's extended family--she'll go if she has to, but typically, she makes herself unavailable for all these incidental family functions (i.e., Sunday dinners, chili suppers, get togethers because someone sneezes) because they usually result in her "offending" someone by not checking out what to bring ahead of time, or whatever benign offense they turn into a Shakespearean-sized drama. She just doesn't go, and she tells my fil she's not going to go--and he accepts it. He deep down knows his family is goofy as heck, and so, in the long run, who do you spend the most time with? Your spouse. Who could make life REALLY miserable for you at home, where you spend all your time. Your spouse. His family is like, a "minute" of his life--
She's very pragmatic, and she's not mean about it, she doesn't make him pick sides. She has her family, he has his. Sometimes he'll go to hers, sometimes she'll go to his family functions, but it's not the end of the world, I guess is what I'm trying to say, if y'all don't spend the holidays with one another (or, choose a family this year), or spend it at home together.
My feeling is some folks get it--and most don't. His family is never going to understand, comprehend or change--if you come or you don't. This is who they are. So, your "stand' so to speak, has to be for you. And, I would think, your dh would be rather relieved to NOT have to deal with the drama on both ends...just my thoughts, obviously.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 5:44:07 PM
Well, I was ready to bail nite before last but we did yet more talking and we'll see. I'm going to TX to be with my daughters for Thanksgiving and he's coming too. But he just talked to his family and didn't mention a thing to them. Just told them we have to take a load to OH (from where we will get a load to TX). *shakes head*
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| mysophia |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 6:26:40 PM
Well, my hubby stood his ground for me concerning his family, and they know all to well now, that they better watch their Ps & Qs when it comes to me. I hardly ever see any of them anymore, but when I do, their nothing but polite now.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
| mysophia |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 6:14:11 PM
gonerideing, I think its a good idea to separate yourself from this clan, believe me I know. Don't discuss it with the hubby, just stay focused on keeping the peace between the both of you only. He'll eventually get tired of hearing them gripe, and follow the peace back home to you. Men are pretty easy in that way, he'll figure out that the problem is comming from his side of the family.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
| aimeeravae |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:35:23 AM
I had a similar situation with my xh. It hurts. You luckily realize you can't please everybody all the time. I tried. My xmil even got me to go to church. When I finally realized I wasn't "me" anymore. I took a temp. LOA. When I came back, it was love me or leave me. I left. I couldn't live with the double life. He still lets his mother make all his decidsions for him. I have to deal with her for misc. things for my son. BUT! I have given her some very tight guidelines.
Aimee
http://laplantewardklopf.blogspot.com/
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| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:02:01 AM
Toxic...yep, that's exactly it.
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| nut4fabric |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 08:27:23 AM
My in-laws were the same way and after years of trying to make the best of it I cut all ties to them. Told my husband I was done with them and he could have any kind of relationship he wanted with them just leave me out of it. I didn't talk to them or see them for six years and during that time hubby "got it", he finally saw how they were. They were invited to our daughters wedding and from there we have slowly started to form a new relationship and it's working. So there is hope, just stand your ground and don't let TOXIC people ruin your life.
Hugs, Kathy |
| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 05:49:43 AM
You guys are the best!! So many things that you posted I have thought for the longest time but he doesn't understand it. I have cut the ties and he's going to Thanksgiving by himself. He's upset with that but I just can't do another holiday with folks who don't like or care about me. I may go down to my daughters home, even for Xmas. I have wondered if they are jealous of me but can't see why.
I thought of something today that goes on...whenever I get upset about something, he says it's been a long time since anything has 'happened' and so why am I upset now?? That they are 'coming around'. They are never coming around and I think now that his family kind of causes these things to happen and then do theri best to look offended or innocent when I protest.
So, yep, I'm cutting the ties to them and doing my own thing. He can either come around MY way or not. I feel with my son, that his wife is more important to him than I should be and they understand that. I now think that if a person is tooooo close to their family, maybe they just shouldn't get married in the first place...but that's hindsight now...
Thanks for letting me vent again. For once I'm not dreading going home and having to do the 'visiting'. Whew!
Winona ;-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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| La Patite Ferme |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 9:34:27 PM
Winona, I feel for ya gurlfriend. In fact, I know how you feel. My XH never "got it" either.
A friend told me (during my divorce) that blood is blood and wives are wives; and guys are really not sure that the wife will be with him forever so they're not willing to risk burning that family bridge by telling them to lay off the wife.
I finally realized that most of his family crap was actually jealousy towards me. And, most of the females were afraid of me because the hubby's thought I was cool and I wasn't falling over impressed by his family.
Maybe that's part of your situation. They're envious of what you and DH have accomplished on your own - without them - and they can't stand it.
Hang in there. And vent anytime. We all have stuff to let out. |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 4:57:34 PM
Sounds like my in-laws. You know what I finally did after 18 years of enduring this kind of thing? I stopped seeing them! I told my husband that they were HIS family and I would never interfer with him being with them. However, they were not mine, they were toxic people to me, and I was having nothing to do with them anymore. I have not seen them since last Christmas and that is the last Christmas. This year my husband is going on Christmas Eve with our daughter and I'm staying home to enjoy a nice holiday.
And - my husband doesn't get it either. When I talk to him about his family he just looks at me like he's dumbfounded. The fact that his first two wives left him because of his family might be a clue!
You hang in there and stand your ground.
Visit my Etsy Shop! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com |
| peggysue |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 3:01:56 PM
i had this problem with my first marriage, i was expected to be like his mother and his sister.. by them, which didn't go over real well. i also had a similar problem in my last marriage.. he couldn't tell mama no, and she ended up moving in with us.
needless to say it didn't work real well.. and as far as i know he is still with mama. some mothers just don't think that any one is good enough for their sons..
but, you ARE good enough. stand your ground girl.
peg |
| yarnmamma |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 2:43:22 PM
Winona, I am so glad that you have us to open up and share with. I just found this topic and I can feel the love going from the farmgirls to you.
I wish you love and light and peace of mind and heart as you struggle with this. ((((huggggs for Winona)))))
****************
Quilting...sewing..reading...posting...swapping. I LOVE being a FARMGIRL!
Linda in PA |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 2:24:06 PM
I really agree with Kathie, if he doesn't speak up and tell them to back off,then they never will. It is sad to have to choose between family and a spouse. But, sometimes it comes down to that. He needs to stand up to them and let them know he will not stand for anymore of their meddling. Again I hope things work out for you.
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| Kathie |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 11:37:17 AM
You know the REALLY bad thing here is that ... THEY.. just KEEp stirring crap up..don't they?
I mean really..you two are going along.. everything seems fine.. your getting along great.. & THEY just can't STAND it..so they have to continue to STIR things up..& get things going between the two of you yet AGAIN!
It's as if they just can't stand to see him happy with you!
WHAT is their problem!
Why can't they just accept the fact that he IS with some one..it IS YOU!
Whether they like it or not..HE IS Happy! ???
It's because HE doesn't stand his ground & tell them to back the hell off & out of his business & personal life..& to quit trying to sabotage his relation ship with you..& that he DOES NOT want to hear ANY MORE of this Nonsence!
if he would..they WOULD!
I know..tell me to piss off & mind my own business..
But this is YOUR life.. YOUR Relationship Sister..&when we see you being hurt.. It really does just twist in my gut Girl..
I'm a fighter anyway..& I HAVE to try to fix everything you know??
& I HATE that your going through this all on your own & having to deal with all of this all the time! I wish there were more that i could do..
Besides just telling you what i think..
You know how i am though.. i do say exactly what Is on my mind..so..
If You want me to hush just say so..!
But you know I have always felt that you deserve so much more..
& being happy & NOT dealing with constant balony from INLAWS Is PART of this Sweetie!!..
so.. i love ya Girl.. Hang in there!
What ever you decide you have to do..you know we are always here for you!
ok..
From Your Big Mouth Sister!
Kathie
In a World Where you Can Be Anything, Be Yourself.. |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 11:08:07 AM
You know, I had a boss once who used to tell his wife that "I married YOU, not your family" ... it often stopped or at least slowed some of the issues that would come up.
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 10:31:21 AM
big hugs to you Winona. wishing you the best.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~
visit me at:
http://gardengoose.blogspot.com/
and at www.stliving.net
you can also check out my etsy shops at:http://GardenGooseGifts.etsy.com |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 08:21:33 AM
Winona, so sorry about this. I know from my past experience (ex husband was a momma's boy in the truest sense) that it can be very difficult, and he never got it. Sadly, being a momma's boy was the LEAST of his troubles and that's why HE'S an ex.
You simply can't please everyone, and the sooner you quit trying, the less frustrated you'll be. I think you just have to separate yourself from THEM, not necessarily HIM.
It will work out, I think...maybe some distance is what he needs to see what's important to him.
Wishing you the best,
J
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| Peanut |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:45:34 AM
Winona,
I'm new here but I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time. Have you tried counseling of any kind? Sometimes it takes a third party for someone to actually "get it".
Due to the past history with his exes you can rest assured that it's not your problem. This apparently has nothing to do with you and what kind of person you are and everything to do with controlling people who cannot let go of their adult son.
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:32:49 AM
Acronym definition for btdt = been there, done that?
Sorry that you're having a time of it right now, Winona. In-laws sure can get in the way of each other sometimes, can't they? Hope you and DH can figure out how to keep this chronic occurrence from affecting YOUR relationship. I wonder if his family is proud that they have successfully run off all his ex's?
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:27:57 AM
Winona, I'm so sorry that things are difficult for you again. The family connections I swear are the biggest pain in the butt. Many of my friends have been through the same thing. If he wants your marriage to work, he will have to face the fact that you have to come first for him, and him for you. Maybe some time apart will help him see things clearer. I hope you can work it out. I'll be thinking of you. Vent all you want. It does the heart and soul good to get it all out.
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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