| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 07:27:32 AM
I don't really know how to begin except to say that I feel like I'm in a cycle of disrespect and disappointment in my husband, and he (I believe), feels the same. We had a nice vacation last week, for the most part, until he got really ugly on the 13 hour ride home (in front of my mother), and since we've been back home, he's been moody and ignores me most of the time or bossy about little things, or I do the same to him. It almost makes me feel now, like his attitude on vacation was an act in front of my family..."look how great we are as a couple!"
It's a combination of things with me--I feel like there is no intimacy (I don't mean THAT kind, just general kindess, touching, holding hands, hugs, etc...), and his moodswings just wear me out. I get tired of walking on eggshells. But there's something more menacing below the surface, constantly bubbling. I have found, that, this week anyway, I hardly like him as a person. And I think the feeling is mutual. When I've tried talking with him, it turns sour, and is counterproductive because we both start blaming, and the original point, or goal is lost. I'm really just exhausted with it all.
How do you ladies who have been married for a while do it? I mean, not how do you stay married (though any tips on THAT would be appreciated  ), but bring communication and sensitivity back when you just feel like giving up?
Sorry if this is so down, but I feel like I could just cry all day.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Nin |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 08:37:38 AM
Ooh, I'm glad to hear that things are getting a bit better. I hope the upward trend continues.
*hugs*
www.peachyhollow.com
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:59:12 AM
Amen, Sistah!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:55:04 AM
Jonni thats wonderful! *hugs* Sometimes you have to wonder if there is some sort of guy PMS or something.
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:33:21 AM
Thanks, girls...Nin and Shawna, I'm always open to other ideas, so thanks for taking the time to post. Marriage IS work...I don't know that we hate each other, I think after you live together for sometime, some things are worth fighting about, and others aren't and you have to be able to let the "are not's" go--if you don't, there's a lot of pent up frustration left and it forces a wedge. Everyone's triggers are different.
Things have been going better the last week or so, though I honestly can't say what the ticket is--don't know why things are going better, but I feel like I should just roll with it!
I did spend a long day away from him on Saturday, and on Sunday, spent time doing my stuff--cleaning, and knitting, and he did his. Seemed like we were "closer" that way. He's been affectionate, and hasn't been nasty, and he's been talkative--like I'm his partner (and friend) again. Now, that's not to say this will last, and he does have a tendency to blame others for his actions and feelings.
Yesterday, he had a particularly trying day at work, and what would normally be a hostil/or hostilly silent ride home (directed at me) was surprisingly constructive--I told him he could talk about it if he wanted, and I listened instead of chiming in with solutions and opinions. His boss, I think, is the female version of him and for some reason, yesterday, he noted that it isn't the right way to be...
So, I'm gonna try to keep this "trend" going. He was fine a few minutes after we arrived home, thanked me for doing the dishes (what?), and seemed to actually appreciate being home for a change.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| Nin |
Posted - Oct 16 2007 : 4:58:11 PM
Wow, marriage sounds hard. I got married two and a half months ago, I hope we don't end up hating each other, but I'm sure there will be times when we will.
Forgive me for sticking in my oar, but your husband sounds like he is being really REALLY nasty to you. Do you yell back at him, or take it when he gives it? If he knows that he can get away with being such a bully to you, then he's only going to do it more. No other human being on this planet has the right to make you unhappy and cry, it's a violation of our individual human rights. Every person deserves to be treated with respect. I hope he realises the error of his ways before there's too much damage done for proper healing.
Follow your gut feeling, and watch out for yourself in the process. Don't accept the blame for things that aren't your fault, that's all I'm saying.
www.peachyhollow.com
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| shawna |
Posted - Oct 13 2007 : 10:06:07 AM
Jonni-I just wanted you to know that you and husband are in my thoughts. I hope you two are having a nice if not joyable Sat.
xoxo s.r. |
| shawna |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 10:57:08 AM
oh Jonni I feel for you and the "season" you are going through, but think of it as a season, you CAN get through and learn how to go through it better when the storm seems to be coming again. I have not been marr. for YEARS, just 8 this Dec. but we have been through the worst storms that a marr. can go through (besides bad health or death). We made it through and you two will to, if you want to. (and yes i know the thinking you may not want to get throughit) So anyway I have sooo much I could tell you that will help. I recently got the BEST book for help, next to the bible- but this comes from the bible so it's good. Also you know it's good if it makes you almost mad when you read it. Name-- Created to be His HELP MEET by Debi Pearl(go to www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org) for more info- you can not get this book in stores, it's that special. I don't even know were to start. I'll start with a hug, if you were here with me I would listen, as I have done, I might cry, as I felt like doing, and next hug you and tell you now lets get it together! Friend to Friend you must listen! this is so heading toward an end. You have good reason too. He sounds like he is being nasty, and nobody should live like that and he should know right, If he has lived with people who didn't show love, he should know how that feels and not put someone he loves through the same bad and unloved feelings. (I know this what I would be thinking,) so you would more than likely get support from those who love you. Your mom even saw him being a jerk, Wow, that hurts doesn't it. ORRRR (before everyone starts sending me hate mail, Ha!) You could just love him. My heart breaks when I hear what You said he has been through. You know how sad the things are that he has told you, just think how sad the parts he hasn't told you are. He has opened his guts to you. Wow, I know from my life that that is hard to do. And you might now understand why he doesn't want to talk to an educated person about this, well I'll bet he doesn't feel like they did him much good before, why would it be diff. now, besided we all know men mostly don't like to talk. Which brings me to his morning rage. Who knows why he acts like he does (and I'm not saying it's right or easy to deal with)but that's just it. You don't know and he doesn't feel like talking about it I'm sure. Maybe he doesn't sleep well or has bothersome dreams. (just maybe) Anyway as hard as it may be try to be a little extra kind or gentle during those times. It's like a child who gets nasty about the same time each day. We have to learn how to curve this. And since you can't spank him and send him to bed (although that might help too! ha ha ) just let him know by the way you act that you still love him. And about your mother, well we do love our mothers but lets face it sometimes they really just need to stay out of things. I'm sure he feels like as *ss(even if he won't say he was wrong) for acting like that in front of someone else. Men want to look good in front of others, like they are protecting us, not acting in a way that needs protecting from. Anyway it's most important that you don't let your mom talk him down. This can really make it hard for you to hold him up in your thoughts. Go ahead and make a point to talk about what he is doing good at and maybe do it when he can hear you. Mothers mean well, but they need to be careful.
I know it's hard but try to be cheerful. It really will make a diff. don't just let your self get through the day, do it with a cheerful heart. Smile even if he doesn't return it. Smile to him and even though the car didn't work, smile to the people around you. Let him see you have joy in your heart, this is something he might not have had when he was younger. and wow! when you see that one can have joy while having a bad morning, this can move mountains!!!
Last thing I will say for now, pray for him. Start just in your heart, later when he doesn't seem to sensitive let him know you are praying for his day. We are to build our husbands up, Isn't that funny, they have the strentgh and we are to build em up! Yes yes you can, let him know what he did that day that you liked or helped you out. Don't just think about what you USE to like about him, think about what he did that day! Build up his ego- I'll bet his mother didn't do that- and that is sad, but you can love him and let him know it. These things will make a diff. in his life and yours too.
I really hope you can get the strenght to hold him up, let God hold you up and give you strength so you can give strenght to your husband. Be his helper. he will love you for it. I hope you understand I want the best for you two. After coming so close to the end in my marriage a couple of times in the past I know the heart break you feel, but Not making it work I think is heartbreaking the most. my love to you
xoxo s.r. |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 09:35:01 AM
*Farmgirl Hugs* Hey Jonni-
I am hoping things are getting better for you! I know it is a slow process, but I hope each day is just a little better than the last. *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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| ktknits |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 06:03:45 AM
......and just for the record, I can tell you that afte 30 years of marriage, you still go through good times and not so good times. Just remember, you wouldn't do this with someone you didn't love! Love, patience, understanding, respect, hard work, mindreading, giving, prayers, prayers and sometimes more prayers are all very important to keeping it all together (or at least attempting to keep it all togther!!)
http://ktknits.blogspot.com |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 05:53:01 AM
You're right, Amanda...as intelligent as I am, I DO think that when things aren't perfectly romantic or going smoothly, that we must be headed for D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I'm not a total doomsayer...I do remember working at Macy's, in the bridal registry, scoffing at what these companies "shovelled" to these soon-to-be-wed couples. "If you register for 12 place settings of this Waterford china, your life will be as perfect, disease free,romantic, full of riches and you'll live happily ever after, as this couple, who we put together just today, specifically for this advert."
I would think to myself, "noone's life is like this, especially married people."
I think we need to start again, if we can--remember what it's like to be nice to one another, and to stop picking those old wounds, -to address things as they come, instead of two years later. I guess as much as he needs to remember why we're married, I do as well.
Thanks again, girls!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| kitchensqueen |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 5:12:53 PM
Jonni-- this will work out. My husband and I (of just over two years) go through times when it seems like nothing is going right between us. Alee is right-- it's about reconnecting and relearning each other. I think sometimes we have a tendency to feel like if everything isn't going perfectly smooth and the "romance factor" isn't on full throttle, things are doomed. I especially feel this way sometimes because my parents divorced when I was five, and marriages in my family were fraught with major issues, so I never saw a positive marriage where the couple stayed together and grew together. But honestly, good marriages take work. And it's hard work. And sometimes you won't feel like you are both on the same page about the amount and type of work that needs to go into it-- but as long as you FEEL (and you have to listen to your instincts and your heart) that you are a strong woman and giving your all, and that it's worth it and you love each other, it will work out. And the reconnecting out of the struggles is when you realize you are stronger and you can do anything. So the struggles get easier to work through together.
No matter what, listen to what your heart tells you.
http://apartmentfarm.wordpress.com
http://shadetreestudios.etsy.com
New Rt 66 blog: http://historyinthemaking.wordpress.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 11:09:44 AM
Jonni-
Another friend and I were talking about this a few months ago. It seems like there is somewhat a natural progression to relationships. She and another friend of hers had been in relationships and marriage for about the same time, and it seemed that whenever one was having a problem, sure enough the other one wasn't too far behind in having the same issue.
I hope that the fact that Doug and I have resolved our problems and are, if anything, happier than ever, gives you some hope! I hope you two are able to find what is best for your both, whatever makes you happiest.
I think after so much fighting you have to re-learn that other person and give each other the space to accept each other as you are now, not what you were like almost a decade before. *hugs* I know this isn't the most comfortable time, and I don't know what the road before us holds, but I can't help but feeling like it is going to get better and better as we go along.
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 09:17:44 AM
Alee, it's been the exact same amount of time that you and Doug have been together. Ironic--and I guess I'm glad to feel that you have felt the same way in your relationship. There is an awful lot of jockeying around, and getting used to one another, even after so many years. People constantly evolve, right, so it would make sense that you have to get used to new things now and again.
I have to admit, Alee, I thought (think) it signals the end, too, simply because we should be affectionate, and attentive and all those others things to each other PLUS loving, but right now, it's just not there. I think you may be right about this.
J
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 09:03:21 AM
Jonni-
How long have you been with this guy? I just was wondering because Doug and I have been together 7-8 years and you are describing exactly how I have felt in the past with Doug! After we got done with fighting all the time, there was a period where it felt like we were more friends than anything else. At first I thought it was the ending of our relationship, but then as time passed, I realized it was us healing and re-connecting with each other. All that horrible fighting had torn us apart. I guess, looking back, it makes sense. We were friends first, and our love grew out of being friends. And now we are happy, in love, AND friends.
If you feel like you still want to make it work, stick with it and give it time. *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 07:01:13 AM
Hey Cheryl...
Things have been alright around the house, I guess. We haven't yelled at each other, and have actually been quite friendly, but it's like...friends. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just not satisfied with anything, but it feels like we're roommates, and I guess for now that's alright. Maybe we have to both learn to like and trust one another again...
Thank you for thinking and asking about me. I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trying not to read too much into anything.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| Cheryl |
Posted - Oct 09 2007 : 5:47:18 PM
Hi Jonni, Just checking to see how you are doing and to let you know you are in my prayers.
Cheryl
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 12:51:30 PM
Sniff. You all are SO wonderful! I'm just going to take it day by day--that's all any of us can do, right?
Besides, just when I think my life is poo, I turn around, and there you all are, pulling for me, and cheering me on! Can't lose!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 09:58:56 AM
Jonni-
It sounds like you are on the path to get where you want to be. *hugs* You are an awesome person and you always have so much to share here! I hope things continue to get better for you, because you deserve it!
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 09:48:20 AM
Hi I have to agree with Sher reading her post sounds like she has walked in my shoes, and it is what I was thinking about your husband before I read her post. My husband would be calm and nice and with the blink of an eye nasty and cruel, this went on for the first 16 years of our marriage at which time he was diagnosed as Bi-polar. Thankfully he likes himself better on his meds and takes them religously. He too had a rough childhood, parents divorce, loss of a sister, etc. We have been married 28 years now and I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Hugs and prayers, Kathy |
| Utahfarmgirl |
Posted - Sep 30 2007 : 2:35:41 PM
Sweetheart, try to remember why you loved him in the first place. No one can go through a childhood like he had without permanent scars. Nobody ever taught him how to love, certainly not unconditionally. To him, love and pain are mixed up. I would use Color Light therapy on him, surround him with pink light (pink is the color of the vibration of love) and at the sametime, speak to him as if he were with you and tell him how much he is loved, that nothing he could ever do would stop you from loving him, and that you will help him learn how to love back. Do this until your intuition tells you it's enough. Change the color of the light to blue (blue is the color of the vibration of peace and healing) and do the same thing, giving thanks for God's healing grace for him. It's true that you can't change people, but you will be offering him an alternative to the way he feels now, and who would refuse love and peace and healing?
Good luck!!
Farmgirl hug,
Patricia
check out my etsy site http://ThePlayfulFarmgirl.etsy.com
Take me home, country roads |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 30 2007 : 11:52:31 AM
I'm so blessed, all of you. I knew that if I posted my questions and my concerns, that I would get much needed, honest advice. I can't believe that there are women who I can talk to, who reach out and attempt to understand me and my situation, and offer assistance, both in ideas and in experience. It's tremendously humbling, and I want to thank each of you for saying what you have. It's all helpful, and I like to read (and reread) each of your posts. I have a certain sense of peace about me today, and I have made a conscious effort not to coddle him this weekend, and not to bait him OR take his bait. Seems to be working. Today he seems happy for whatever reason. Last night we went to some friends for supper and he was most weird around them, even though it was his suggestion we go there. On the way home, he seemed almost relieved to be with just me (which is WEIRD in light of our past exchanges), but we had a decent rest of the night, and it's continued into this day. I was dedicated to having a good Sunday for myself, doing things for me, that make me whole, and in turn have left him to his own devices, and though I wanted to suck both him and the computer up while I was vaccuming all around him, I never said a word, and he complimented and thanked me on the pretty living room.
Nice = Nice. I'm going to keep trying and see where we can get. When he isn't nice, I'll remove myself from the situation, especially if it's unwarranted. I do recall, when we didn't have the committment of marriage, that I was more apt to stop him in his maniupulation tracks, but once we were married, something changed in me--I guess I felt I had more to lose. Losing respect for yourself is a great deal disappointing, too.
Thanks just doesn't even say enough to you ladies.
Jonni
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 7:38:17 PM
Jonni, I too am sorry that you are having such a bad time right now. From the sound of your husband's past behavior it seems this has become a pattern with him. I have to be honest and say, he sounds very troubled. Having ADHD I am sure doesn't help. But, he seems to blame everything on you or his bad circumstances, like see what you made me do, or it's other people's actions, or certain circumstances that "make" him react the way he does. Frankly he sounds like a couple of friends we have had and other family memebers. It is difficult because I can see that you love him. But, Jonni, no one is put here to be someone elses whipping board. (I know he doesn't hit you, I mean that figuratively). As long as you take it and allow him to take out his anger and frustration on you he will do it.I agree that walking away from him or even leaving the house when he starts that behavior is a good idea. I would recommend saying, when you calm down and can speak in a respectful tone,we can talk.I will not allow you to treat me like this. Spending time walking on egg shells is just another way of saying you are afraid "you" will set him off. Believe me Jonni, if they are in the mood for verbal abuse, they will find a way to use it on you or anyone else in the way. Had your mother ever seen his true colors before? If not it probably scared her. She shouldn't be running him down. But, it is hard to see your child being treated badly.I agree with many of the girls who said he needs counseling. If he won't go, then you go yourself.You need a professional's opinion on this. I know he had a rough childhood and that certainly can mess you up badly. But, there comes a time that you have to face it and move on from it and become the person you want to be, he does sound depressed and very angry(which can also be a big symptom of depression). He needs medical help I believe, I hope he gets it. But, if he does or doesn't, please take care of yourself.
Arguing and picking back will not change anything , you need to get some real answers as to what is going on. I hope I haven't over stepped my boundaries here. If I have please forgive me. But, I have had alot of experience with this behavior my entire life, it doesn't go away with a few well placed words. Plus, give it time and his verbal abuse will do much damage to you emtionally.
Prayers and Hugs to you,
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| jo Thompson |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 10:00:37 AM
Oh Jonni, this is so tough.......... I think we ALL have lots of baggage, maybe some more than others, but we all do. I learned to fight fair in this marriage (not in the other). I think being angry when you talk is the big one. I know with Paul I mostly talk about how I'm feeling instead of you.you.you. It seems to work better. That's the best place to start. One of our best conversations started out with, 'I'm feeling really lonely right now, I miss you even when I'm with you." He's probably feeling the same way, sometimes a big space grows and people think things that really aren't so.
The big thing I think about marriages is, you won't change someone......... you accept who they are or live your life without them. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://web.mac.com/thomja/ |
| Phils Ann |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 08:13:26 AM
Sweet Jonni,
I am indeed cheering for you and your commitment to your marriage. I wish I had answers; I don't. However... I used to teach emotionally disturbed children and do know that his sense of being "protected" in you means he feels free to act out-- just as you said. My students were mostly taken from their parents due to extreme abuse. (as an aside, they were also mostly ADHD and learning disabled--made it very hard for them to function) The "experts" when I was teaching used to say it takes time and a lot of patient firmness for trust and healing to take place. It isn't an easy road, for sure. I'm praying for you, Jonni, as well as for your husband.
Ann
Sairy Hill Thicket
There is a Redeemer. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 07:48:27 AM
Alee--a letter is a great idea, in fact, for sometime, I kept a journal for that very purpose, but I never let him read it. Mostly just a way to get it off my chest.
I think at that time, I was sooo tired of being ridiculed that I didn't want to open any MORE of my thoughts and feelings up to him, so I just kept them to myself.
Sher--my husband was diagnosed at age 18 with adhd, after being placed in a boyshome for most of his teenage years. I've done some reasearch, and I do know that sometimes, these folks are misdiagnosed, and in fact suffer from a chemical imbalance. He does not take any medicine. He did have a terrible childhood with the cruelties of his parents divorce, then being put into the orphanage because they couldn't control him anymore. I've often thought that he needed therapy, or counselling, but when I suggest it, he says, "no thanks, had enough of that when I was young". I will say this--the more comfortable he has become around me, i.e., the realization that we are married, that I love him and I'll fight for our marriage, he seems to just let loose on me. Like I'm not going to go anywhere--like I can't because of our rings. He wasn't like this when we first married, but I also didn't know as much about him like I do now. He was VERY guarded, and now, on occasion, tells me things about himself, his life that wouldn't have come out before because I might get spooked. Nothing sadistic, just unfortunate feelings and things he's suffered. A lot of baggage, I guess I'd say.
We had a fairly good night, he was in a good humor, so I didn't want to jinx it by talking about things...This am, it's the same--up at 5:30 for whatever reason, grouchy and argumentative, now back asleep for several hours. Like I said, walking on eggshells.
It's such a beautiful day. Think of me and say a little "cheer" to keep me going, huh?
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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