| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jun 20 2012 : 02:57:20 AM
I need some insight. I know what my gut says to do, but need to see what you may think.
my older son is 23, going on 24 this august. over 2 yrs ago, he started dating this girl. at the time she said she was 18. we later found out she had just turned 16!she had a hard life, i gave her the benefit of the doubt because i had a hard life and did not want to judge her.
fast forward to present time....it seems that since she has come into my son's life, all he and i do is fight. he sometimes says hurtful things to me, and can be very disrespectful. we have gotten into some horrible fights. it's like i dont know who he is. i raised him to be kind, and have manners and he was always a good kid. my other son and i never fight, and my husband and i never fight.
recently, about a month or so ago she and my son came to me, with her 'story' of the violence at her home, her mother ripping her stuff up with a knife, the drinking going on, how she was afraid for her safety, and she wanted to move into my house. now during all this time they have been dating, her mother, stepdad and father never liked my son and didnt treat him well...not sure why. he is a good person. of course as a mother, i felt resentment towards them. no, we didnt let her move in, almost, but no. didnt feel right about it. btw- she just turned 18 about 3 weeks ago. they also announced about 3 months ago that they were getting married in july! then they changed their minds because her mother (according to her) started being spiteful. the original plan was that they were waiting until she finished college to be a pharmacist (several yrs down the road).
even when i took a temp job at the hospital (her mother worked there), she was never friendly towards me, and I tried. oh well.
just yesterday, i questioned them both as to why they lied to me (about sent them each a text, as my son is out of town working-something trivial, but lied nevertheless) they wouldnt tell me why but instead turned it around like i'm stalking them, first she said it, then he said it. then she got nasty, said i was insane, fat, am a failure as a mother, a wife, my food tastes like sh**, my business makes no money, that I'm a loser, that i'll never see my future grandchildren, etc. she said just about everything you could think of. I had a few choice words for her and said she was no longer welcome in my home and that i'd call the police if she came here.
my son never defended me after what she said, told me i started it, and that i 'lost a son'.
in the meantime i left her mother a message as to what was going on and that i had had enough.
as i predicted, a couple of hrs later, she began texting me again, trying her hardest to apologize, blaming it on 'pmdd', whatever that is. oh, and by the way, my son is now on meds because SHE thought he needed it! (turns out she takes meds for God knows what). i told her that there was no excuse for what she did and that she was not welcome in my home. i told her my son had to be out by june 30th.(at this point my son and i are not speaking to one another)
she also texted my husband last night, and because he is a Christian, began saying things like....if you were a god fearing man, you'd forgive. more manipulation. he ignored her.
then this morning i woke up to more texts from her saying that my son will choose his fiancee over me if i do not forgive her. i replied with 'so be it, i've lost a son'. i am not going to give in to what SHE wants.
i also received a text from her mother last night (after i went to bed) saying that 'you accomplished what you wanted to'. not sure what that means. All i was doing was reacting to what they were doing. i never set out to deliberately hurt anyone. then again her mother is toxic and i see where she gets it from. she is an A student and i thought she was smarter than that.
i am so sad because my boys mean everything to me. she has poisoned him, he wont see it. even my husband spoke to him over the phone yesterday and said he didnt want to hear anything, and made no sense.
i dont know how to handle this. i feel like my heart has been ripped out, like a death in the family. she and her family are so toxic, she ruined my relationship with my son. funny thing is, my friend and sister called this before it even happened. How could i be so blind? usually i can 'feel' people out...maybe giving her the benefit of the doubt was a mistake.
have any of you gone through something like this?
Connie
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| laurentany |
Posted - Jul 19 2013 : 5:40:23 PM
Connie,
I am so hapy to hear that things are moving in a positive direction with your son. Continued prayers that things work out for all concerned! Just beware that if he moves back home he may bring unwanted baggage with this breakup, especially based on the way it seems that Brooke was controlling him. She may not want to let go that easily, so the road may be a bit bumpy for a while.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
View my New Blog:
http://simplesuburbanpleasures.blogspot.com
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you plant.
~Robert Louis Stevenson |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jul 19 2013 : 10:19:40 AM
thanks CJ :)
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| ceejay48 |
Posted - Jul 19 2013 : 09:54:24 AM
Good news to hear, Connie! Will continue to pray for the journey you all are traveling!
CJ
..from the barefoot farmgirl in SW Colorado...sister chick #665.
2010 Farmgirl Sister of the Year
Mother Hen: FARMGIRLS SOUTHWEST HENHOUSE
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from my hubby - www.aspenforge.blogspot.com |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jul 19 2013 : 01:39:06 AM
thought you'd all want to hear this...
last night Joey asked to move back home! he and brooke are breaking up. while i am happy for this, i kinda feel sad for my son that he's going through it. i always knew that this relationship had to run it's course. i cant believe it's been a year since all this went down.
my relationship with my son has continued to go well, and i'm so happy for that. i even stopped counseling several weeks ago.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Handcrafted Soap & Candles
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| laurentany |
Posted - Feb 24 2013 : 1:05:29 PM
Hi Connie,
I am glad to read the latest update and so happy that things are good with you and Joe.
Hugs to you,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
View my New Blog:
http://simplesuburbanpleasures.blogspot.com
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you plant.
~Robert Louis Stevenson |
| Emily Anna |
Posted - Feb 24 2013 : 08:33:56 AM
Connie,
So glad to hear that everything is going well with your son! :)
Emily |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Feb 24 2013 : 05:24:43 AM
everything is still awesome with my son, even though he is still with her. (i hardly see her because she works a lot), but my heart is healed :)
i believe he's done a lot of growing up since last year.
thank you all for your support! you all are wonderful :)
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| sherrye |
Posted - Nov 14 2012 : 06:57:49 AM
so happy to hear this.
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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| AliciaNak |
Posted - Nov 13 2012 : 09:16:26 AM
So glad it all seems to be working out. As a mother of 3 boys I fear the idea of what you are going through. Lots of prayers headed your way!
Alicia
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.~Ralph Waldo Emmerson
www.blondenak.blogspot.com
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 3:51:00 PM
Thank you all for the kind words. Joe came to visit today, I feel so happy.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -Vintage Sewing Machines, Sewing machine parts and more.
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| laurentany |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 3:28:12 PM
Connie-
Glad to see this positive update! Hopefully, Joey has seen enough and is now ready to do what is best for him.
I will keep praying for all of you, that things begin to move forward and that your relationship with your son continues to heal.
Hugs to you,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
View my New Blog:
http://simplesuburbanpleasures.blogspot.com
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| YakLady |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 10:28:27 AM
Aw! I'm so glad Joe has come around!! Here's hoping that he follows through with what's best for him :)
~Hen 4316~ Just a farmgirl in Western Montana.
Starting a family and raising up a small ranch using natural resources.
www.mydoterra.com/thurman |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 08:18:56 AM
So happy to read your latest post. I'll be praying for you and Joe.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 06:22:15 AM
here are my boys
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 06:06:08 AM
thank you Emily, me too :)
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| Emily Anna |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 05:58:26 AM
Connie,
That's great news! No matter how many times or what you tell someone, they have to learn on their own. So so glad he is finally seeing it for what it is! Be glad it didn't take him too long to figure it out too! Some people go on for years in these toxic relationships. So happy for you that your getting your boy back!
Emily |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 03:30:06 AM
Hi everyone,
I wanted to update you all on whats going on since the trouble came down at the end of June. It's actually good!
After the nightmare with my sons girlfriend and my son , I started counseling. I had a breakdown, I had to talk to someone. I was so heartbroken. Counseling has helped. My son DID talk to me after he moved out, and though he did and still is with her, I never even brought up her name whenever I saw him- for the sake of keeping my relationship with him intact. I knew in my heart that in time he'd see things.
As far as his father is concerned and his violent history, we have talked now & then and all has been calm. (never thought that would happen). his father, ralph, would tell me now and again of how joe and brooke would visit him, and how she'd act out. ralph even told joe how she was no good for him.
when joes birthday came on aug 29th, he came for cake...without her, because i still did not allow her here. i took a picture of him with his cake, when i later looked at that pic i could see in his face that something was wrong. i still never said anything to him.
then shortly after he called me one day, he was having trouble with the landlord where he was staying. we had to move him asap. of course we were going to help him. he didnt have hot water, or a bathroom or a kitchen, but he had a slum-lord. because of all the chaos he brought brooke over,i allowed it, with everything going on, what was the point of arguing. i did tell him that SHE would have to be the one to make amends to ME. she did, though i didnt find it sincere. whatever.
when we got to his 'apartment' and i use the term loosely, it was nothing more than an unfinished basement, with curtains up as walls. no heat, no bathroom, etc. it was a mess, garbage everywhere. they were living like pigs. her mother showed up to help. brooke said the plan was to bring their belongings to her mothers house. we did. when we got there her mother was nasty to me. (remember, we never even talked to one another before, she didnt even know me), i gave her a piece of my mind and left. i was not going to stand there and take it. i told her i'm no one's doormat (with an added expletive) :)
anyhow i decided to go back home and not help them anymore. I was not going to allow them to suck me back into their toxic vortex. at first i was angry, but then decided to be happy and not allow her to upset me. soon joe and brooke came back to my house and brooke was apologizing for her mother.
joey and broke soon moved into a normal basement apartment at brookes house. great, now my son has to deal with her mother. but like me, my son wont tolerate much.
fast forward to now. last week joey and brooke were here. they had no power because of hurricane sandy. i was glad to have my son home. i fed them and let them take showers. i tolerate brooke because i want to see my son.
as i mentioned before, since june i havent said one word about brooke to my son, until the other day.
they are sitting in my living room and brooke didnt want to eat what i cooked, ok, who cares. but she started talking to my son very nasty and she had a fit and walked out of my house. she did this right in from of my husband and i.
i looked at my son and told him that he didnt deserve to be treated like that and told him i felt compelled to say it to him.
that's when it happened.....
my son sat there and started talking to me! he just opened up. he told me she is like that everyday, and that he's thinking of leaving her! he told me he sees it all now! he told me he had to see it in his own time. he told me he wants to get off the medicine he's taking, that he doesnt need it. he said his father doesnt like her. he just sees it all. he told me that he told her he is going to leave her.
ever since the june incident when he left, got out on his own and experienced everything, he's been so different with me. it's like he got a rude awakening, and his eyes are opened. i got my joey back :)
i told him he can always come home, but his room is now my office. what to do?
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -Vintage Sewing Machines, Sewing machine parts and more.
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| queenmushroom |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 08:54:59 AM
Ok...first of all, if you try to drive a wedge between you son and his gf A: he's going to resent you for it and B: it will drive him closer to her. I know about this because the first wife of the older of my two brothers was literally a psychohypochondriac[bleep]fromhell. After 5 years of marriage, they were divorced. My bro finally saw the light with very little influence from my parents and the rest of us siblings, but it took him a long time to get over her. Secondly, you need to stand up for yourself. Thirdly, if he's going to marry her, then he needs an apartment and not rent rooms from you and your hubby. If he's going to act like an immature adult then he needs his own place even if he rents a motel room by the week. You don't need to put up with it. Yes, he's your son and she's hurt you, but maybe he will grow up and see the light. Thirdly, I guarentee SHE got him on psych meds because she has an addiction problem. I worked in a jail as a corrections officer. Believe me, you won't believe what these people do to get their fix.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 12:36:41 PM
When drama comes knocking, Connie, just remember, that's why God made the movies. Go see one. Buy a big ol' bucket of popcorn and an overpriced Coke. Laugh your head off, stop at a store on the way home and let a cosmetics counter lady give you a free makeover, go home looking like a million bucks and go to bed happy. That's the kind of advice I used to get from my dad. He was the smartest man I ever knew. ;) |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 06:36:04 AM
Julie, thank you, that's an incredible thing to imagine! it's an absolutely beautiful morning and i'm hoping for a peaceful day :)
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
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| paradiseplantation |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 06:14:11 AM
Connie, my heart is full of prayers for you. This is a real situation of tough love. I agree with what you've done, though. If you give in to it, you feed it until it becomes a real monster. You are in my prayers, girl. Hang in there, and if it gets to be too much, stop a minute, close your eyes and imagine you see and feel, deed in your heart, a massive circle of farm girls around you, hugging you, holding your hand and barricading you against any and all trouble. Trust me. We farm girls can be very intimidating when all in one room and all against any and all problems. Think about it. Would YOU want to go up against us? :) HOpefully, it'll at least lift the weight and help you to gain strength and perspective. Keep us posted!
from the hearts of paradise...
1Thess. 4:11
http://thefarmwife.com
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 01:31:27 AM
then she got my son involved last night, and he thought i started it. then he seemed to back out of it. unbelievable.
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| Alee |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 6:41:46 PM
You should be able to block her phone number by your provider. At least then her toxic spewing wouldn't come over to you! :)
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 3:24:13 PM
would you believe that i had to file a harrassment against brooke's mother? she wouldnt stop sending me annoying texts even after i asked her too. the rotten apple doesnt fall far from the tree. this is the 2nd time in 5 days that she did this. i'm not going to let her get me mad, she's so pathetic. the texts were so dumb the cop thought that brooke was sending them! the cop told me that she was not very pleasant or cooperative.
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
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http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 12:26:42 PM
Alee, funny you mention that. my son told me that when he first met her he didnt know she was 15, because she lied to him too. of course she didnt have a license. lies and manipulation from the start. UGH
they say girls tend to mature faster than boys, and i was hoping she was. she sure put up a show that she was, but plenty of times i saw through her. i just never thought she'd stoop so low because we never had a problem getting along. her age is sure showing now. because i had a hard up-bringing and i had been judged, i tried not to judge her because of the issues she came to me with.
yeah i'm always giving 'the benefit of the doubt'. i just need to detach from the situation and hope either she grows up or my son wakes up and finds a real lady.
thank you all for your support, it's meant a lot to me.
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
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