| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 3:37:33 PM
I'm sitting here crying like a baby. This farmgirl's not plowing though very well, lately. I'm so fed up with everything and I'm so angry about the way my life is right now. I'm not suicidal or having any stupid thoughts like that. I'm just so sad and angry at the same time. I feel like a spoiled little kid who's missing out on all the fun. I've been putting on the big smile for everybody and joking about my condition and telling myself there are lots of other people far worse off than me, but I feel like I'm falling down into this hole and I don't know where the bottom is so I can get a hold and start climbing back out.
For those who don't know, I have lupus and it flared up pretty bad in late June after my divorce. You all know how I LOVE the outdoors and I do anything and everything there is to do outside at the expense of inside housekeeping chores. Now, I'm stuck inside during daylight hours and have been all summer with no end in sight. I can't seem to get the lupus to back down and the meds are adding their own complications. I was forced to put curtains on my windows to block the sun. When I have to go out during the day, I have to wrap up and cover every part of me and look like an idiot. Even with all the gear and an umbrella, the sun still seems to get me and I break out in new blisters or other problems. The only freedom I have outside is near dark or at dark. I'm tired of living like a vampire. Everything happens during the day. It's hard to see at night to mow or garden or anything. It's not legal to hunt or fish with flashlights, can't go rafting, swimming, hiking, yard saleing or to outdoor concerts or the outdoor plays that I love.
I'm so sick of being cooped up inside and not only did I start smoking again, I'm increasing how much I smoke. I know this is really bad for me but, I've been doing it anyway. I've been trying to keep busy in the house and working on remodeling and stuff, but my heart's not really in it. I don't feel like making baskets or sewing...I want to be outside and I'm throwing a tantrum because I can't!
For the first time in my life, I actually think I need a shrink. I'm not sure, but I think my insurance might cover it. But I can't find out for sure til Tuesday. I've never been so angry for so long. I've always been one to shrug things off and go with the flow and make lemonade from the lemons I get. I don't know why I can't seem to do that now. I so hate to disappoint anybody with my bad behavior and I know I'm just being a big baby and need to cowgirl up, but I can't seem to pick my butt up off the ground this time. Why is that? I thought I was stronger than this and that ticks me off, too!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| melanie47601 |
Posted - Sep 09 2009 : 08:55:49 AM
I'm still thinking of you Lisa. I hope you are feeling better.
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/
Swap Blog~ http://mels-swapshop.blogspot.com/ |
| Alee |
Posted - Sep 09 2009 : 07:46:27 AM
Lisa- how are you doing? Hope you are starting to feel better!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - Sep 09 2009 : 04:15:00 AM
Hi Lisa,
It's ok to be sad sometimes. Us women tend to put on a strong face for everyone, I've done it myself, only to become overwhelmed and I've broke down while taking a shower (so no one hears me crying), or while I'm outside alone. Good thing is that the bad never lasts that long and I think it's ok to be upset at times. I don't know anything about lupus, but I do live in chronic pain from a neck and back injury about 9 yrs ago (lifting something tooo heavy). I finally had neck surgery in march 2008, and was pain free for about a year. Well, the pain came back several months ago- so bad, where at times I can't turn my head without terrible pain shooting down my back. My hands go numb, I have pain in my hands like arthritis, and pains down my legs. I had a disc removed in my neck, had a donor bone inserted, and have a plate in my neck. the recovery was horrible, I wound up having partially collapsed lungs after the surgery. I get transforaminal back injections for the discs out in my back, which seem to be helping, and I can feel in the last few days that that is wearing off. I'm not due for another injection until the end of Oct. When it wears off enough, I will hardly be able to walk. The doctor keeps telling me to have surgery- but after the neck experience, I'm not sure what to do.
SIGH- the point is, I totally understand your frustration. and I LOVE to garden. My hands hurt so bad last week, that I was pruning outside and had to stop, because my fingers hurt so. I am only 40.
I also just lost my job aug 25, and decided to go back into home care. I went to an agency yesterday, filled out everything, and was told that if I couldnt lift 200 lbs, I couldnt work. well I cant lift 200 lbs because of my neck and back. I felt depressed, and just got in my pickup and sat there. I felt lost. I dont know what to do, but I am going to try and be strong. I wish my side business would pick up a lot.
Lisa, I wish I could give you a big hug! I will pray for you, me, and everyone that we get through these tough times!
Connie
www.NatureMaiden.com -Handcrafted Bath & Body Products that I make myself- including soaps, salves, lotion bars, lip balms, natural deodorants, body sprays, hydrosols, salt scrubs, and MUCH more!
http://site.naturemaiden.com/blog1/ (Business Blog)
http://flowerchild-lifeinthegarden.blogspot.com/(Personal blog)
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| Bonnie Ellis |
Posted - Sep 08 2009 : 3:12:47 PM
To all of you with lupus, fibromyalgia, arthritis, diabetes or whatever: Acceptance is the hardest thing to succomb to. I have all but lupus and I feel like you at times. But I learned that I must think of the things I can do. I had to slow down to doing half of what I did before. I love the outdoors and I broke my leg. I couldn't teach outdoors this summer.
Please don't give up. We will have flare ups and remissions, anger, rage, crying fits,etc. But find something you can do to help others and FOCUS on that. Maybe you could help teach others something over the internet. Find a support group so you can Hug. Play funny movies, read funny stories, write in a journal(no two journals) one for when you are angry and a scrapbook of when you are happy. We make ourselves happy or sad. We can't change what happened to us outside, the only thing we can change is our attitude.
Ain't easy, but you did the right thing by writing about your feelings. God bless.
Bonnie Ellis
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
| Lainey |
Posted - Sep 08 2009 : 06:12:04 AM
Lisa, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry to hear about this. My grandmother had lupus and had bad times just like you. I wish there was something more I could do to help but please know I'm praying and sending positive energy your way.
Hugs!
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/
An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.' |
| homesteaderbelle |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 10:00:38 PM
I am so sorry to hear about the disease you have and that you are unable to be outside. You seem to love the outdoors like a few people in my family. The people in my family who loves the outdoors can not stand to be inside, you seem to be one of those people...Are you?
I know it must be terrible to be cooped up all day. I could not imagine having to cover my entire body just to go outside.
Diseases are a horrible thing and they can prevent people from doing the things they love.
I hope you can find the bottom of the hole you were speaking of and crawl back out.
Keep praying about the disease and I do hope it gets better. I will pray for you too.
I know you said that you like ot be outside, but do try to find some inside things to do that will make you happy. You said you like to garden, maybe you could start some seedlings in the house.
I hope you get better very soon!
Belle
http://www.homesteaderbelle.blogspot.com/
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| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 7:59:40 PM
Deborah, this flare up attacked my skin, joints, circulatory system, digestive system and vision this time. The prednisone took care of the joint pain, eased up my digestive problems and seems to have stopped further deterioration of my vision. I'm taking aspirin to try to relieve the circulatory problems and I'm hoping it works before they decide to put me on coumadin. It seems that my skin is the first thing it attacks and the last thing it backs off of. I can handle a few blisters here and there, but in the midst of a full-blown flare, I look like I came out of a fire. I had lung problems in the past, way back before they knew what was wrong with me and that is difficult to deal with. I can understand your boss's concern with the flu. She already has lung problems and if she's on prednisone, then she has little or no defense against it.
Shirley, your friend probably looks so young because she's been avoiding the sun all these years! Which is the part I find difficult to do.
It was good to finally get you on the phone, Laura!
Thanks for allowing me to throw my tantrum here. I guess I'm kind of feeling a cabin fever kind of thing. Which I've never had before because I actually get outside a lot in the winter, too! I'm not feeling so down today and more like myself again.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 6:15:57 PM
Lisa - thank you for coming to this site and expressing your hurts and sadness. It gives all of us a chance to share and help and pray. So you give us all a gift in the midst of your sorrow. I pray that you can begin to feel stronger and better. I have a good friend who has suffered with Lupus for over 20 years, and I can tell you she looks younger and better than I! There is a light. And things will get better. Until then, let your crying out and let your thoughts out here. We are for you!
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
| Room To Grow |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 6:01:56 PM
Lisa, So you lupus is in your skin? My boss has it in her lungs....And she has suffered with it alot. She is really worried about the swine flu. I really feel for you and I am sorry you must suffer. I hope things get better if you go on the diet that Alee has suggested for you.
Deborah
we have moved to our farm...and love it |
| 82kygal |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 4:31:49 PM
Hee Hee Hee I just noticed you called! What a great friend I am. I have started on some thyroid meds and they make me sleepy so I slept all afternoon sorry My plate is full but never to full for a friend in need. So, I will call you but once again I am a bad friend and my old cell phone died and with it your home numberSooooo please email me the number and I will call you and I am cleaning out my mail box right now!!!!! Talk to you soon.
With God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)
What ever you are, be a good one. (Abe Lincoln) |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 1:53:46 PM
Oh, that's a good one,Laura. Your mailbox is full! lol. I didn't want to bother you with my stupid issues when you already have your own plate so full!
I tried gardening by moonlight and I'm having a very difficult time seeing anything. I can see well enough to walk around outside but not well enough to tell the difference between the weeds and the plants I want to keep! Yes, the weeds are that big. The sun is setting sooner every night and I just realized that before long I'll be able to go out around 7 or so and use the spotlights for a couple hours without upsetting anybody. Something to look forward to!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| prairie_princess |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 09:22:41 AM
weeding by moonlight sounds beautiful!
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
| 82kygal |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 06:43:03 AM
Lisa, why haven't you called me?
You know you can call anytime. I just saw this post and I feel horrible for you and I feel bad I haven't got to talk with you about this more. give me a ring I have today off or let me know what a good time is and I will call you. Talk with you soon.
Laura
With God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)
What ever you are, be a good one. (Abe Lincoln) |
| Farmtopia |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 01:11:46 AM
Hey Lisa, I am so sorry about what you are going through right now. I agree with Suzie on the idea of midnight gardening--there is a whole movement out there that does the "gardening by moonlight" thing and I think there is something relaxing about gardening by candlelight and moonlight.
Plus, I had a friend who also had some issues with the sun/air/pollen and a few friends came and painted a "garden" on her bedroom walls! So she had her own flowers and trees to wake up to without leaving the house!
I know it's not quite the same as tending a garden, but the point is to have the last laugh at the things designed to "hold us down", right? 
~*~Dream all you dreamers~*~
View my work:
www.bigtownfarmer.com
And *NEW* Blogs:
Life: www.wildatheartfarm.blogspot.com
art/dolls: www.wildatheartart.blogspot.com
Plan to save America the old fashioned way!
http://wildatheartfarm.blogspot.com/2009/05/big-project.html |
| Tapestry |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 12:38:16 AM
Lisa I'm so sorry you're struggling with a lupus flare. I have fibro and understand how horrible the flares can be. I'll be praying you get past this and shove that beast back in his closet. Sometimes over the yrs. I'll have a fibro flare so bad I end up on prednisone too but only for a few days. Yes, its nasty medicine but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. The stress can make the flare worse. Hang in there....this too shall pass. Gentle hugs.
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://www.Tapestry2u.Etsy.com
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 9:51:34 PM
I thought about that Suzie, but I have a neighbor who complained when I put Christmas lights in my fruit trees one year to keep the frost from biting the blooms! She said they shone in her window and kept her awake. So, I haven't dared put my spot lights out there to work late at night...yet.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| SuzieQ |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 7:50:30 PM
Lisa,
Get all your lamps or lights and do the midnight weeding. You will enjoy the Earth therapy and it's free. Sometimes winning the weeding war makes peace in our hearts. Really, if you have the big lights go for it and weed baby weed. |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 10:42:15 AM
It really helps to know that you gals know what I'm talking about. Marian, I know you've been dealing with it for a very long time. I've never been depressed before and never thought I ever would be. Being new to me, I guess I just don't know how to handle it. I really want to smash something, but I don't want to destroy anything at the same time. I find that frustrating, too!
I got a hold of Rene and she gave me several new ideas/things to try and I will be doing all of them. I will do whatever it takes to get this to back down again. I keep picturing in my mind that I'm stuffing this big, ugly, black blob back into the closet it came out of; slamming the door and locking it. I've never tried visualization before, but I've read that it can work as part of a meditation/relaxation/healing regimen.
I sure do appreciate all the hugs and prayers and healing thoughts. I find it easier to come and talk with you all than to burden my local friends that I see every day...or embarrass myself in front of them...I can cry all I want here and nobody has to be witness to it!
Love ya'll and thank you for being here!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| melanie47601 |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 07:07:08 AM
Lisa, I don't want to say that the other ladies haven't already. Just know that I am sending you lots of hugs and prayers that all of this gets better for you real soon.
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/
Swap Blog~ http://mels-swapshop.blogspot.com/ |
| pinkroses |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 06:55:09 AM
Lisa
Hugs to you
I just said a prayer for you
I suffer from many diseases and conditions/
but not Lupus
Although I had been tested for it.
You are going through a lot right now.
With every thing you have been through; it is normal to feel this way at times
I have a lot of stress and suffer from deep depression.
It might help to go to your family doctor or/ find one.
Tell them exactly how you feel
Maybe , you can find something to help
There have been months and months I suffer from deep depression from the pain of all my conditions and diseases.
it is enough to wear a body down
Know that we do care for you and think of you.
Try listening to some music the type you like to; and
do some relaxing tech.
hugs and prayers to you. Sheila/ pinkroses
www.ohkayteagirl2.blogspot.com
http;//www.sheilascreativewritings.blogspot.com |
| MuslinBunnies |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 05:11:15 AM
Lisa,
I can understand your frustration. I have fibromyalgia and a "lupus-like autoimmune disease" (the Dr's way of telling me that they have no idea what is really wrong with me.) Both have been flaring up horribly all summer long. Most days I can barely even get out of bed. I used to be a very active person and enjoy being outdoors, hiking, biking, gardening, and all that. Lately I've been stuck in the house and often on the couch or in bed. With no insurance, I cannot even financially afford to go to the Dr for more testing or treatments.
I totally understand the feelings of sadness and anger. It helps to talk to someone. My fiance is always helping me out and being a wonderful rock to lean on. The one thing he is always telling me is "It hurts now, but you are strong. Cry if you need to and remember I am here for you. This too will pass."
My Website: http://muslinbunnies.tripod.com/
My Etsy: http://FelineFeathers.etsy.com
My Button Quail Site: http://groups.google.com/group/button-quail-planet |
| dutchy |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 11:14:36 PM
OH girl, I know exactly what you mean by your post. Just last week i was in that boat too. I don't have Lupus so don't know how that affects you. But the feelings are very familiar. You WILL get through this, even if right now you think you won't.
Maybe talking to a shrink will help you, you will only know if you try it for a while. And being frustrated is also a normal feeling. Don't beat yourself up for that girl.
GO see a doctor and talk about what you feel, and how you feel. That might help too, maybe he can give you other meds that work better for ya. For the rest all I can say is: keep coming here, ask advice, prayers and hugs.
LOT'S of hugs from me to you sweetie and hang in there.
(Hope you can tell what I mean it is still early here and am not fully awake yet)
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 9:51:19 PM
You guys are the best! Thanks so much for understanding and not thinking that I'm losing my mind.
Alee, I have that book! That diet is what sent this into remission the last time. That was 4 years ago. That's what I meant when I said that I can't get this to back down. I have been very meticulous about what I've been eating. Could be I'm just expecting too much too fast. After all, this flare up was 6 months in the making. I guess I just don't have the patience to be sick and want my life back right now! I had no idea that Rene has it too. I will definitely get a hold of her.
Lisa, I do go out before sunrise to work in the veggie garden and again after sunset. It doesn't really give me much time and I've had to prioritize big time. My yard and gardens look horrible this year as a result although the veggies seem awfully happy living with the weeds and are growing better than I've ever had. My peas are taller than me and still producing. They are so thick and heavy, they toppled the pea fence over!
Jennifer, I actually thought I had this licked! I never thought I would have to go through all this again. I knew the stress of the divorce was having an effect. I could feel it and had little signs here and there, but I thought I had everything under control. So much for what I thought, huh? Prednisone is what works for me too. I wish they would come up with something that doesn't take forever to wean off of, that doesn't damage your other organs, that doesn't force you to buy bigger clothes so your not being strangled by the end of every day from the swelling. It's been 4 years since I was last on it. You'd think they'd have come up with something! Nothing scares me more than to think I'll be on this med forever and stuck like this.
I just found out from another friend that we have a counselor up here. I didn't know that. I thought I was going to have to go to Boise! That's actually a relief. And I know who he is.
Thanks all. Love and bear hugs to all of you.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
| Roxy7 |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 8:15:30 PM
I have fibromyalgia and I understand how a chronic illness takes its toll. You have to be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to deal with what you must instead of the things you'd rather do.
I think a counselor would help. Do you ever take the Bach Flower Remedies? When I am feeling particularly stressed the Rescue Remedy helps get my mind back into the right place.
Hugs. |
| Jennifer Mulkey |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:27:20 PM
Lisa, I have Lupus too. You are NOT being a big baby. Noone who hasn't had this disease can possibly know how frustrated you are right now, and how frustrating our lives can be waiting for another flare, and not ever knowing when it's going to come, or how bad it's going to be. I've tried just about every medication out there. The only thing that slows mine down is prednisone...(how I HATE that medication). But eventually it will slow down, Lisa. It takes time. I know you HATE that too. I do too. But there's really nothing we can do about it. I've been where you are frustrated, wanting so badly to get out in the garden and not being able too, long sleeves, even in the summer when you are flaring. It sucks!
Hang in there though, you will get through this. It's just a matter of time, and you can wait it out. I did go to counseling a few years ago, before I got cancer, and it did help out. After I had cancer, I dont' sweat the small stuff anymore, and really, my outlook has changed big time. Haven't had a big flare since the cancer, but small stuff going on tells me the disease is active. I've been taking another medication that has helped a little, but just went off it because I got sick (you know how it goes with these medications, they take your immune system to zero).
Anyway, will be thinking of you and praying. Hang tough, girlfriend, we will survive!
Jenny |
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