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Across the Fence:  I'm so sad  |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 03:55:05 AM
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Hi everyone, I need some farmgirl sister insight. I’m so sad.
My older son Joe is getting married tomorrow. He un-invited me yesterday. I was secretly hoping they’d never marry, but they are. Long story short, several years back at a birthday party for his then girlfriend, issues arose (unknown to me). I had gone there with my husband and sons, offered to help her mother setup when we arrived (because she was running behind) and tried making conversation with her mother and grandmother throughout the day. Being shy, its not easy for me to start conversations. Her mother appeared to be drinking throughout the day, and her grandmother just sat off to the side not talking to anyone. Never once did they sit with us and to get to know each other. For whatever reason, they had issues with me. Fast forward to present, we still have never had a relationship with her mother or grandmother (her father is not in picture). These are the same people that had given me the ‘gift out of the garbage' several holidays back), if anyone remembers that. Even my husband was perplexed at what their issues with me could have possibly been.
About 4 months ago, my son told me he wasn’t sure he wanted anything he thought he had, and that included his life with her. Not long after that they were here visiting. While we all sat talking and laughing in the living room, she literally stood behind us, near the basement door. Like she didn’t want to be a part of anything. She didn’t smile, and it wouldn’t be the first time she had acted like that. sometimes she'd be pleasant and other times she seemed to have an attitude. I’ve always treated her kindly at my home and we’ve never exchanged harsh words. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and she politely said no. About 10 minutes later my son joe asked her if she;d like to sit down, and she responded to him, with anger and said F*** Off!
I was shocked. There was silence in the room, and I looked at my son. His brother sat there and said nothing. I was surprised that joe did not say anything, it made me sad to see him sit there and take it. I didn’t understand it. I felt she disrespected both my son and his family. I wouldn’t dream of talking to my husband like that, let alone in front of his mother! (I’m guilty of using that word in other circumstances though, I hate to admit). My son was treated well growing up and wasn’t verbally abused, so I take real issue with her treatment of him. My son usually takes no garbage from anyone, so why her?
I held my tongue and several days later I called my son and we had a long conversation about it. I told him how I felt, and said that if she could act like a lady, that she’d be welcome in my home. I also warned him that if it ever happened again, that she would be dealing with me. He assured me that he wasn’t being abused. He also seemed agitated that we were having the discussion at all, as if it were a joke.
So a couple of weeks later Joe texts me asking me what I’m doing august 11th. Suddenly they wanted to get married on that day! how does he go from not knowing what he wants, to getting married? I wasn’t thrilled, but I told myself I’d accept his choice and be positive. In the past couple of months, her mother hasn’t contacted us about the arrangements, and his fiancé doesn’t respond to texts or calls from me. His fiancée just emailed me the menu and who’s making what. When I ask joe about anything regarding the wedding, he says to ask his fiancée. We are kind of ‘winging it’ here. There’s no rehearsal. I have no idea what I’m doing. There’s no communication whatsoever. No one from my husband’s side was invited, except for his mother. When I asked my son about it he got mad! Then they added his family. We gave them money to help. I have supplies sitting here. I offered to make 5 dishes of food. In fact, today I had to finish preparing them. Later we have to pick up catered food. She wanted my husband to walk her down the aisle. Joe had asked me to walk with him own the aisle. His asked his brother to be his best man.
As a personal gift from me to him, I put together a beautiful photo album of his life, and wanted to give it to him privately before the wedding, but he wont make time.
The wedding shower was about 2 weeks ago. I battled a virus for a week before that. I was miserable and fatigued. I waited to the last possible hour to decide whether I should go. I wound up not going, and I felt bad about it. I had a special gift for her. I texted her a little while later to apologize for missing it. She never responded. In the coming days when I asked joe why won’t she respond he says she’s mad, and that ‘she needs a few days’. I asked him what gives her the right to be mad at me because I wasn’t feeling well? My husband and Andrew knew I was sick, if there was ever a question. I was becoming angry with the whole situation, and for the past several days joe and I have been getting into arguments on the phone over it. Why do I have to explain myself to 20 something year olds anyway? I reached out to her and said I’d like to clear the air BEFORE THE WEDDING, but again, she never responded. I just wanted things settled before the wedding so everyone would enjoy the day.
Then my son said that she’s mad because I still had issue with how she acted that day. I guess I do. She shouldn’t be acting like white trash in my home, period, and if she doesn’t like it, that’s too bad. We don’t talk to each other like that in this house. She’s mad that I missed the shower. This makes no sense to me. My son and I had a terrible fight yesterday, and he said that he ‘didn’t want to be put in the middle’. The middle of what? And how does he allow her to treat his family however she wants? At one point he said that everyone could F*** off, and that’s when I told him how I felt about her, that how my husband no longer wants to walk her down the aisle because of how she’s acting. Joe said that we would all talk on HIS terms, and that it would be in a couple of weeks. This made no sense to me. I tried to explain the importance of clearing the air before the big day. He just didn’t want to hear it. Then joe un-invited me. And In response, my husband and other son also said they are not going to the wedding.
I’m heartbroken. This is a terrible mess, and at the end of the day its for no good reason! What the heck is going on here? All I do is cry all day, cry myself to sleep. When I wake up I cry again. This should be one of the happiest days of his life. Deep down I know he wants me, his brother and my husband there. My husband’s family is also suppose to go. If we indeed are not going, we have to let them all know. Its going to be odd for everyone to be there except the groom’s family.
was I suppose to accept her dis respectfulness and put on a fake smile at the wedding? I cant be fake. Who does she think she is anyway? I can’t accept being someone’s doormat. I had such conflicting feelings about it all, it was hard to simply ignore. My husband felt uncomfortable walking her down the aisle. How do you ignore that and try to enjoy the day? Why don’t they want to resolve it? joe is turning 30 at the end of the month but he sure isint acting like it. he at times has an arrogance that really annoys me.
My husband tried to reach out to joe yesterday evening, because we have food for the wedding. That’s 5 dishes less they have if we don’t go. I’m simply at a loss at this point how to handle this. I feel like she is driving me and joe apart. If they go through with the wedding, and i believe they will, i'm afraid the tone is set for everything moving forward, and I resent both of them for that. The whole thing is a nightmare.
Thank you for letting me vent.
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Lil' Chefs Cookbook- Delicious Recipes for Toy Ovens - http://www.vintage-toy-ovens.com/
Vintage Sewing Machines, Original Parts & Related Book Titles - http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/
My Books: https://www.amazon.com/Connie-McCaffery/e/B01IRQND8O#
Handcrafted Artisan Soap https://www.etsy.com/shop/naturemaiden |
Edited by - naturemaiden on Aug 10 2018 04:20:24 AM |
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HollerGirl56
True Blue Farmgirl
1334 Posts
Barbara
Flat Top
WV
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 06:41:24 AM
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What a mess---I totally agree. A lot of family events end up this way. My family are all passed on and my husband av0ids his. I remember so many family things that turned into nightmares. I think you should try to pull yourself together and try to go to the wedding and act happy---let it all go just for the day and let your son and new wife set the tone. If you don't go you may be sorry and regret your decision later. Not going will only add more hurt and resentment. My best friends mother would not come to her wedding because she didn't like the groom and it hurt her deeply. I feel you need to be the bigger person here and go and see how it turns out. If you are happy and at peace it will be up to them as to how they react. I feel things will only get worse if you don't go and his new wife will just get madder than she is. You need to go and keep your relationship on good terms with your son---I'm sure he wants his family there. Please quit crying and take care of yourself and go to the wedding and look beautiful and enjoy it if you can. Now is the time to nip this mess in the bud.
Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies!------Bette Davis |
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YellowRose
True Blue Farmgirl
7115 Posts
Sara
Paris
TX
USA
7115 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 07:15:26 AM
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Connie I have no words of wisdom only those of encouragement and plenty of hugs. Rest your cares on the Lord and may he bless and keep you. May he shower you with an extra helping of his mercy and grace. In times like this I always ask for an extra helping of mercy, grace, and above all others peace of mind.
Sara~~~ FarmGirl Sister #6034 8/25/14
FarmGirl of the Month Sept 2015.
Lord put your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth.
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Dreamer42
True Blue Farmgirl
2694 Posts
April
Central
Oregon
USA
2694 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 08:06:09 AM
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Connie, I agree with Barbara and Sara, say some prayers, ask for strength, mercy and grace, and attend the wedding... you don't want to regret later not going, at least you know you will be there to witness the day, extend your love and support your son, it will be up to them how they choose to respond from there. Sending prayers, strength and good thoughts your way.
Dreamer42
Farmgirl Sister #7038 |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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HollerGirl56
True Blue Farmgirl
1334 Posts
Barbara
Flat Top
WV
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 11:27:15 AM
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I'm so sorry it has to be this way. It is a sad situation for sure. I'm afraid it will take you much time to get over this. It would me. I can't feel the complete depth of your hurt and pain as I don't have children. I pray for you to have strength to get over this and soon see happier days. The people we love the most have so much power to hurt us badly. My sister hurt me deeply five years ago and we haven't spoken since. I think about it almost every day and it has put a cloud over my life---I hope you will be able to move on and not think about things like I do. I'll pray for you to find peace.
Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies!------Bette Davis |
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MaryJanesNiece
True Blue Farmgirl
7243 Posts
Krista
Utah
USA
7243 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 2:40:59 PM
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I am so so sorry Connie. This breaks my heart for you. It's such a sad and hurtful situation and it affects so many on so many different levels. Please keep your head up and keep moving forward. You did what was right for you and your family and you were only looking out for his well being. I hope you can find peace and comfort at this time.
Krista |
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Tumbleweed
True Blue Farmgirl
1036 Posts
Nancy
Texas
USA
1036 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 3:36:08 PM
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Connie
Sounds like the girl and your son needs a good old fashion spanking. I have a mouth like a longshoreman when I am driving but my hubby doesn't like cussing so I never drive him and I try not to swear in his presence. I don't care for,my MIL but I would never disrepect her in her own home. It is extremely immature attitude I am reading here and it sounds like her family members should line up behind the shed and wait their turns.
I do hope your son comes to his senses before children come along and I wish I could sit next to you with a big box of tissues so we could both have a long cry. This breaks my heart for you.
It grieves me to hear how families can be so hurtful. I don't have any family outside my hubby. I don't think people understand this just isn't right.
Last note, I can mail you a paddle though if you need one. My prayers (and my paddle) are with you. Hugs kisses and Kleenex
TW
The fun begins where the sidewalk ends. Shel Silverstein |
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Audra Rose
True Blue Farmgirl
2283 Posts
Vanessa
Brooksville
KY
USA
2283 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2018 : 4:50:57 PM
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Oh Connie, what a sad situation! From the description of the girl's family, she hasn't had a close loving family growing up.
If your husband, other son or another family member can talk calmly to Joe, try to reach out to him and his wife. Joe needs to know you will respect his decisions (especially if he realizes he made a bad marriage).
Farmgirl Sister #6754
Doxie Mom - Everyone loves a Weiner!
Today me will live in the moment unless it's unpleasant, in which case me will eat a cookie.
Cookie Monster |
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Dreamer42
True Blue Farmgirl
2694 Posts
April
Central
Oregon
USA
2694 Posts |
Posted - Aug 11 2018 : 7:50:07 PM
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Sending more love and prayers your way, Connie. I've been thinking of you the last few days as I've looked at my two sons, ages 10 & 14, still children and still home, however, I can't even imagine how it would feel to have either of my sons not want me at their wedding, not to mention to allow someone they claim to love to be hurtful and disrespectful to others whom they love. How heartbreaking. I hope you are able to share with us in the near future that everything has worked itself out. Much love, strength and peace of heart being sent your way.
Dreamer42
Farmgirl Sister #7038 |
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ceejay48
Farmgirl Legend/Schoolmarm/Sharpshooter
13666 Posts
CeeJay (CJ)
Dolores
Colorado
USA
13666 Posts |
Posted - Aug 11 2018 : 9:06:10 PM
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Connie,
God KNOWS your heartbreak! I have no advice or words of wisdom! I just pray for God to encourage, comfort, direct, and wrap you in His arms of love as He gives you wisdom and discernment for all of this.
Sending HUGS, LOVE and PRAYERS!
CJ
..from the barefoot farmgirl in SW Colorado...sister chick #665.
2010 Farmgirl Sister of the Year
my aprons - http://www.facebook.com/FarmFreshAprons
living life - www.snippetscja.blogspot.com
from my heart - www.fromacelticheart.blogspot.com
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2018 : 03:34:37 AM
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thanks everyone for your supportive words.
my mother in law and one of my sister in laws went to the wedding and told my husband afterwards that when the officiant was performing the ceremony and said "we now gather before family and friends", that my son started to cry. that broke my heart when i heard that. but he chose for us not to be a part of it. he was arrogant and disrespectful to me and i wasn't standing for it. i'm not a doormat and won't tolerate abuse from my own kids, i went through enough in my own life growing up, so enough is enough.
this has hit me so hard i can't eat or function on any level. to think that he could even hurt us like this is hard to believe. i've taken down all his pictures in the house, i simply can't bear to look at them. i feel i've wasted my whole life caring for him, for nothing, and i truly resent it. i dont want grand children anymore, as i know that considering how rude his now 'wife' was at times to me when they were dating, i dont expect she'll ever be truly kind, so i've come to accept it now. my chest feels like a hole has been punched through it and i feel numb inside. i dont even think i can cry anymore. i dont even feel like i can form words to speak. i'm simply depleted. i wrote a letter to him yesterday and i dont expect a positive response, if any at all. this feels like a death to me. my boys have been my whole life, and now i regret ever becoming a mother. i regret giving up my whole life to give him one. i regret the choices i've made. all i do is sleep. i'm questioning the purpose of my whole existence. it feels like such a waste. i know i'm depressed, and i don't know how to move forward. i dont think i even want to.
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Lil' Chefs Cookbook- Delicious Recipes for Toy Ovens - http://www.vintage-toy-ovens.com/
Vintage Sewing Machines, Original Parts & Related Book Titles - http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/
My Books: https://www.amazon.com/Connie-McCaffery/e/B01IRQND8O#
Handcrafted Artisan Soap https://www.etsy.com/shop/naturemaiden |
Edited by - naturemaiden on Aug 14 2018 03:47:54 AM |
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HollerGirl56
True Blue Farmgirl
1334 Posts
Barbara
Flat Top
WV
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2018 : 06:53:39 AM
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Connie---I made the decision not to have children and so many people have told me that they would not have children if they could do it over. But I feel a loneliness in my life when I see other people with their kids and grandkids. I will probably die alone as I have no family left. So be glad you had him and I believe you two will reconcile in the future. Family is very important and I hope it gets better for you soon. Don't have regrets about the life you have lived with your son---he must have been a delight to you as a child. Remember him that way until you can forgive him about the wedding. His wife may be bossing him around and causing all this mess because she was jealous of your good relationship with him. Give him time and I think he will return. Take care of yourself first and foremost and the rest will work itself out with time.
Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies!------Bette Davis |
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HollerGirl56
True Blue Farmgirl
1334 Posts
Barbara
Flat Top
WV
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2018 : 09:08:08 AM
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Connie---hope you are feeling better and taking care of yourself---praying for you.
Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies!------Bette Davis |
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Tumbleweed
True Blue Farmgirl
1036 Posts
Nancy
Texas
USA
1036 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2018 : 09:51:02 AM
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Oh Connie,
I don't have anything to say after your last post. I am so sad for you. I hope you will strive through this. I also hope you and your son will reconcile. My prayers are still with you.
TW
The fun begins where the sidewalk ends. Shel Silverstein |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9440 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9440 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2018 : 3:38:31 PM
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Connie, my heart hurts for you dear sister. Let me just say you have another son and I'm sure this is affecting him. He is probably dealing with a lot just in the fact that his brother did this. Please don't this jeopardize your life with him. To say you regret being a mom is probably hard for him to take. Sending hugs to you.
~Denise
Sister #43~1/18/2007
FGOTM~7/2013
"Home is where we find comfort, security, memories, friendship, hospitality, and above all, family. It is the place that deserves our commitment and loyalty." William J. Bennett
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105
http://www.ladybugsandlilacs.blogspot.com/
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Edited by - levisgrammy on Aug 19 2018 3:39:42 PM |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2018 : 2:59:25 PM
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Hi everyone, things have settled here. Joe and I talked the other day for a couple of hours, and have reconciled. I get the feeling that it wont be so easy with his wife, but Joe is my only concern right now, as I'm just beginning to feel like myself again. I've been keeping busy, as there's always tons to do here. Denise, just so you know, I didn't tell Joe directly that I regret being a mother, that was something I kept to myself at that moment. I did tell him that I was disappointed in him during the whole fiasco. Even through all the pain I wouldn't trade those years for anything, they are what gave me life, it's too bad it has to be so draining though. They were good boys when they were little, and those memories will always be in my heart, you just never think things could be so difficult once they are grown. Thank you everyone for your support during all of this, it means a lot.
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Lil' Chefs Cookbook- Delicious Recipes for Toy Ovens - http://www.vintage-toy-ovens.com/
Vintage Sewing Machines, Original Parts & Related Book Titles - http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/
My Books: https://www.amazon.com/Connie-McCaffery/e/B01IRQND8O#
Handcrafted Artisan Soap https://www.etsy.com/shop/naturemaiden |
Edited by - naturemaiden on Aug 21 2018 12:25:19 AM |
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Tumbleweed
True Blue Farmgirl
1036 Posts
Nancy
Texas
USA
1036 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2018 : 7:02:20 PM
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Connie, I am so glad to hear this. Obviously you did a great job as a mom. Hope things continue to get better for all of you.
TW
The fun begins where the sidewalk ends. Shel Silverstein |
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MaryJanesNiece
True Blue Farmgirl
7243 Posts
Krista
Utah
USA
7243 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2018 : 1:13:20 PM
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I'm happy to hear you two have reconciled and I hope that things can continue to look up for you all. Keep your head up! Many hugs.
Krista |
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Across the Fence: I'm so sad |
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I'm so sad
