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Family Matters:  Anyone not a part of their family?  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 09:27:01 AM
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And how are you dealing with it? My background:
I am the youngest of 3 children (older bro and sis). I have always felt my whole life that I was the forgotten child in the family. No one ever attended anything I did in school ( I was often just dropped off and went by myself) and was always made fun of for the things I chose to did with my life. At 21, I left for the military and never looked back. When I was single, I spend my time off flying home and driving to see various friends and family. Yet, not a single one of them came to anything I did (bootcamp graduation, return from deployment twice, going to school in VA which was only a 2 hour flight away, etc...the list could go on)
Now I have a 10 month of DS and a wonderful DH. We live 3000 miles aways from family as my hubby is still in the Navy. My parents came out right after my ds was born but spent most of the time here seeing the sights. No one else will come saying it is too far or too expensive. My point to them is I did it and now I can't, so we need some compromise. They just act like they can't do it or something.
I even spent 2 1/2 years taking care of my dad's parents and when they passed away, I cleaned out the whole house by myself. My siblings were nowhere to be found. I left again because after they were gone, I was treated like garbage again and felt very used.
My parents are good people in general, but the way the act or think is just absurd to me. The always come up with excuses as to why they can't do something and when they do something, they complain all the time.
The straw that broke the camel's back was this past summer I was told there was going to be a family reunion (this was with only 2 weeks notice so I definitely could not take the time to come with new baby, ticket prices and DH can't just take off time from the military) then I was told it was canceled. We had already planned a driving trip to TX and went for 3 1/2 weeks, assuming the reunion was canceled.
About a month after this, I received pics in the mail of the whole family and all the friends at my mom's house. What the heck??? I was never told.
I am always the last one to find out things and half the time, I am just left out of the loop.
I have come to the conclusion to just let my family go. I am tired of always being the one to keep our relationship going. It sounds harsh, but enough is enough.
So does anyone not have contact with their immediate family? I am good a making friends and can adjust to almost any situation that is thrown my way. (military taught me that). I just find it sad that is all but I am willing to let go to be happy.
I really need to move past this so I can raise a happy, healthy family.
Thanks for letting me vent. |
Edited by - catscharm74 on Jan 25 2007 09:35:50 AM |
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Nance in France
True Blue Farmgirl
1438 Posts
Nancy
St. Laurent de la Salanque
France
1438 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 09:45:33 AM
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| Goodness sakes, girlfriend, you have gotten the short end of the stick. If your family attended events for the other kids, what happened? But you have two important things going for you: the emotional sense to leave that situation behind AND your wonderful family you are building with your little boy and husband. I am the oldest of three children, a sister and younger brother. My sis has always been jealous of me, unhappy with herself, but we used to have such a blast together until about four years ago. She has certainly developed some personality issues that could be helped perhaps by therapy and/or meds, but in her eyes, everybody else is wrong, always. It was heartbreaking because we were so close for so long, and occasionally she would seem to warm up to having a relationship again, but if something went wrong in her life or ticked her off, BAM! She took it out on me. I finally had to let go and I miss what we had, but it became too emotionally draining to be around her. Maybe one day things can be better, but for now, I accept that my life is better without her in it. My parents understand and I have good friends who I think of as surrogate sisters! And now I've found so many wonderful farmgal friends, and that helps tremendously. Onward and upward; you have a bright future ahead! Nance |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 10:00:49 AM
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Cat,
I really feel for you. Our family wasn't that bad, but my parents were so wrapped up in their own problems (alcholic dad, poor mom lived on valium in order to function) that they never came to school events, etc. To this day (my dad passed in September) they, or now my mom, never seem excited or interested in anything I do or any accomplishments of mine. They've missed Homecoming (when I was nominated for Queen), championships that were so important to me, my girls in a professional dance production and on and on. Finally, I just had to realize that I cannot make them be the family I would like to have. All I can do is break the cycle and be there for my husband, children, grandbaby and be happy with the person I've become. I know it's hard, painful and hurtful, but they probably won't change. Make your family the best it can be and be happy. You seem like such an accomplished woman. All my love and hugs to you.
Debbie
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 10:08:13 AM
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Nance- Thanks for understanding. My brother has 3 children and pretty much they have been there for them for just about everything. But the excuse is that they live only 5 hours away. My sis is like yours- she is VERY into her religion and can't seem to make the difference in just being sisters like we used to without yelling at me why I am not like her (as far as religion goes) I actually get ill when she starts in and I have gotten up and left. It is just so hard because it is family but I learned from the military that your family is who is there around you at any particular time, no matter if they are related or not.
We are moving to Texas (YEAH!!!)in 2 years and we are making plans for US to do what we want. I so enjoyed the nice Texas hospitality when we went on vacation there.
I am reminded how lucky I am as my 10 month old is walking around holding his shoe up and smiling. That is what it is all about.
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ponyexpress
True Blue Farmgirl
320 Posts
Sandy
Kirkwood
Missouri
USA
320 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 10:44:31 AM
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Cat, I think we all have been blindsided by the television illusion of happy, supportive families starting with Leave it to Beaver and the Waltons. I remember going to a friend's house and thinking how cool it would be to live in her family, and later learning that they had their own set of problems! Very few people have the family they wished they had...you have to take what you're given and make the best of it, doing what is healthy for you and your husband and kids.
You likely cannot change their behavior, but you can change your response to their inattention. If you want them to remain informed about your life, send photos and letters. Tell them about important events - if they choose to attend that's wonderful, but don't expect it and set yourself up for disappointment. If the miscommunication occurs mainly between you and your parents (as in the reunion mix-up) then be sure to touch base with someone else in the family to confirm the plans.
"Friends are the family you choose for yourself." Surround yourself with caring, supportive friends - people who know who you are and what you stand for and love you anyway!
I'm heading south for the winter. Some parts of my body already have a head start! |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 11:12:11 AM
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Oh sweety! I wish I had answers. I have not had this with my family but my husband has gone thorugh something similar with his. After the death of his father a lot of stuff happened with his dad's side of the family. Even though he has relatives that live in the same town as us they don't even speak anymore. I haven't even met most of them. He feels it was the right decision. From the outside looking in it seems a little extream to me but I am not the one who went through all of the pain and hurt. So I try not to judge it. Personally I think it has to be an inividual discision. I will say some prayrs for you. In the mean time I guess the best I can say is to do what is right for you and your imediate family.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 11:28:38 AM
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I have tried multiple times in the past to connect with my sis or bro or whoever to find out what is going on. I am just at the point where it is over. I am done chasing people around. I will find my own happiness. I have always felt like an orphan or outcast of some kind for a long time. I finally realize I can acknowledge, embrace it and move forward with what I know.
Thanks for all the kind words and input. Really helps to know I am not the only one out there.
The next 2 years in my personal family life are going to be setting us up for the big move to Texas, so I am going to make it as positive as possible so I keep the good vibes around me and my family. I feel so lucky because DH understands so completely that is is sometimes scary how much we relate!! :)
Another part of me letting go of this is for YEARS I have dragged around family heirlooms and other stuff that are not really MY style per say. I kept them because that is what I was supposed to do. Well I recently sold off some stuff to prepare for another move and boy, it was freeing!!!
I want our home to reflect DH and me and not someone else's junk. It may sound harsh and that I am unappreceative, but if something is not my style, I don't keep it. I figure someone else will find it and enjoy it, so I pass the good vibes on.
Anywho- I got off the main reason, but it was part of it.
Thanks.
Cheers,
Heather |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 11:33:43 AM
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I'm sorry that you are struggling with this and people who you expect to be there for you are not. My brother had issues with my Dad
( we all did, he drank) but he choose to cut himself off from everyone. I can't say that he is living a happier life, he has just taken his anger and frustration and redirected to someone who remains, me. My situation is similar to Nancy's in the fact that we were so close and it was difficult to see the person I knew and loved become someone I no longer recognized in any way. Not long ago I realized that in a very real way MY brother is gone , just like my parents and I can't bring him back. The person he is choosing to be is not wanted in my life and it makes me profoundly sad. I have a friend who feels like you and she has never said anything to her family. She is almost 50 and has not had a happy relationship in her life. I try to encourage her to tell or write her family about the things that bother her so that her heart can rest easy knowing she had her say and made her feelings known. She won't and still struggles. I on the other hand had a very gut wreching encounter with my father when I was pregnant and told him he was never going to subject my child to the things he put us through. Long story short...about 6 months later my Dad checked in to rehab and never drank again. He and my son had a great relationship for 9 years and that boy loved him so much he held his hand with us when he died. I received the gift of watching my Dad be someone I never thought he was capable of being. So, I guess what I am sharing with you is this:
If you are ready to walk away for good, wouldn't it be a good time to tell them what has sent you to this point? It's the silence that is more harmful I think than the telling. It will be uncomfortable for everyone but atleast your truth will be known and you never know, they might surprise you with their response. Better to have your say than just be thought of as "different". (That's what my friends family thinks when she doesn't show up for things after her feelings have been hurt by something they've said or done. Believe me, it is them not her in this case.)
I hope you can figure out what is best for you. I know this is tough, be brave and be truthful. Hugs, Bramble
with a happy heart |
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Zahara
Farmgirl in Training
26 Posts
Buffalo
New York
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 1:46:07 PM
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so you are standing there with a bucket as the sesspool and the smell is causing your eyes to tear and you want to drop the bucket - yes how harse and unappreciative of you. 
I am a guessing that you have already been upset - nothing has really changed, that you have already explained what is bothering you - nothing has really changed, that you have already tried various ploys and once again nothing has really changed.
yes this is sad
so instead you shift - you grow up because they are not going to. You appear to be well on the way
for the family reunion with just a two week notice - should have taken a current picture of your family, sent a card - we are not able to be there, show everyone my family and please be sure to send pictures back.
for the whole house cleaning - should have asked when they would be there, if none showed, should have only done your part and left the rest. Should have informed them I did as much as I could. Unless you were the executor on the estate, not your responsibly and if you were the executor you could have paid someone and deducted it from the estate.
and yes indeedie you have to be on your toes, constantly to not go back into child mode - cause they will keep trying.
(yes - I personally do know this !!! )
write up responses to have available on call, cause it is always that one on one interaction that trips you up. PAUSE before making an answer, so that what comes out of your mouth is the response of an adult with a husband and child as their first concerns. Which is as it should be.
So do interact with your family, but do it as an adult with her own family.
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Edited by - Zahara on Jan 25 2007 1:48:58 PM |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 1:54:07 PM
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so you are standing there with a bucket as the sesspool and the smell is causing your eyes to tear and you want to drop the bucket - yes how harse and unappreciative of you.
"I am a guessing that you have already been upset - nothing has really changed, that you have already explained what is bothering you - nothing has really changed, that you have already tried various ploys and once again nothing has really changed.
yes this is sad
so instead you shift - you grow up because they are not going to. You appear to be well on the way"
Thanks Zahara- you hit it on the head!! : )
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gregs_lil_farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
219 Posts
birdi
hartford
me
USA
219 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 5:32:58 PM
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Cat, I had to stop in and post on this one for sure. I absolutely understand what you are feeling. It has been 12 years since I have spoke to or seen my family. I have tried on numerous occasions to reach out to them. My daughter has tried to introduce them to my grandaughter(4 yrs old) and they responded with "you are Birdi's daughter and we dont want to know you anymore" kinda thing. Let me back up a few years before this.
When I was younger, I never fit in to my family.. I was always independent and simple things made me happy. An artistic, creative sort and so on( I relize now, it must've been my farmgirl inside trying to be noticed..lol) Anyway, my mother came from a very poor background in the hills of WV and wanted me to achieve all that she did not. To live her life basically through me and I disappointed her greatly. I had all of the test scores to have any education I wanted anywhere and I chose to be a housewife and mother in WV of all places. This was a slap to her I guess. She felt that I should be ambitious and achieve all material things and so on. I followed my heart.
I jumped thru the years,... She divorced my father and remarried a wonderful man who will always be my "daddy", they gave me a sister 10 years younger than me and she did exactly what my mother had hoped I would. I raised my sister from the time I was 12 until I left home at 19. We were very close for most of those years. After I left home to follow my own way...the distance began.
And so on and so on.... After years of being belittled, neglected, forgotten about, pushed aside, used and so on...( I let this all destroy me inside and did some very serious soul-searching for self-blame) When it carried on to my children, I very calmly and precisely spoke to my mother about how I felt so much like an outcast in my own family and why. I had to have some kind of closure in order to feel better about myself. Everytime I reached out to my mother, she shut the door on me. My confronting the situation did not end with a comforting result for sure. But it was something that I had to do to survive... and go on.
You will have to search your heart and you must realize that you must do what you have to do to protect your "now" family. We do not chose our families and therefore we are not always perfect matches. Just because they are supposed to be loving and nurturing does not mean that they always are. I am never an advocate of severing any family ties...EVER! In fact, quite the opposite. I speak up to those who are complaining of their parents or such...stating very warmly to treasure your parents for all that they are, because you do have them and they are doing this or that because they care.
Just remember, that you do all that you can do and that you need to do. You have to remember though that you can't lose who you are and that you need to take care of your immediate family, DH...children and so on.
I apologize for this being so very lengthy. This touched my heart so very deeply. If you ever need anyone to listen, I am here. Follow your heart,sweetie and know that you matter. You will find strength...I still ask for it everyday.
BIG HUGS!!! Birdi
-Simple pleasures make my heart smile- |
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Tracey
True Blue Farmgirl
766 Posts
Tracey
State of Confusion
USA
766 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2007 : 9:17:39 PM
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Wow...I am so sorry!
I can relate on a certail level, as this week I've decided that I'm about to 'divorce' my mother (and of course, she's still married to my father, so guess I'll be divorcing him as well.) I spent my childhood never living up to their expectations, and my little sister was the hands down favorite (she and I do get along now, and she admits she was the princess.) I always thought it was just the way I was perceiving the relationship...but now that my mother is being mean to my daughter in the same way she was to me, I've decided enough is enough. And when I say mean, I mean she's downright nasty, causing my poor 13 year old to cry while on a shopping trip over clothing choices and friends (dd loves loose fitting clothing, mom wants her to wear clingy things, can you imagine?)
The only real hope and encouragement I can offer you is that you've got an opportunity to change things around with your baby and husband. Sounds like you already know that and are doting like you ought to  Hang in there, dear!
Visit Quiet Storm, our adopted Mustang! http://wildaboutquietstorm.com
http://carpentercreek.blogspot.com
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2007 : 09:58:19 AM
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Families are hard and as Pony Express said, we tend to compare them with the Waltons and Leave it to Beaver. My family is better than some and worse than others. They have forgotten important events. They have dropped the ball repeatedly. But I have also failed them myself from time to time. Manipulation has been the biggest issue in my family. Forcing me to do things out of guilt. The best thing I did was to learn boundaries. I read the book Boundaries and also the book "Telling Each Other the Truth" which really helped.
I will never "divorce" my family, as we are called to "Honor our parents" but that does not mean coming back like a puppy to be kicked again and again. I actually went through a "grieving process" when I realized my parents were never going to be the parents I wanted. There was anger, deep sadness, and finally acceptance. Now with this acceptance comes peace and the ability to love my parents. I stopped expecting them to be more than they are. If your parents are only capable of being a 5, don't expect them to be a 10. Love them for who they are and honor them for the fact that they did raise you. But set boundaries. Talking to them is a good idea, but to drudge up every event the ever missed, is not a good idea. It simply looks like you are holding onto grudges and will put them on the defensive. Instead, let them know what you hope for now. How you see the relationship as looking. Sending up a prayer for you and Tracey, as I submit this.
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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lamamama
True Blue Farmgirl
255 Posts
Melanie
CA
USA
255 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2007 : 10:25:13 AM
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Farmgirl, I'm so sorry to hear you are in this painful situation.
I know whereof you speak, having grown up in a family that was Dysfunctional with a capital D. In fact, it was soooo painful that I really don't want to go into it. I mention it only to give you hope & courage - because you CAN build a better way for your family! While I believe that some baggage travels with us in our family life, it is also true that we can do things a different way. If I (and my brother & sister) can do it - you can, too!! There is true hope!
Both my parents are now gone, & the issues were never resolved. My children are still too young to know the gory details, & I have taken the stance with them of "Take the good, leave the bad." That is, I focus on what small good there was, & try to hand that down to my kids. (Little things, like Christmas traditions, for example.) Fortunately, my brother & sister and I have tried hard to maintain our relationships, although for many years we hardly spoke to one another. Not from fighting, but from each of us wanting to stay away from the pain of the Family as an idea - since we never really were one, anyway. As the 3 of us have entered middle age, & both parents are gone, things are really pretty good. Again, another example of HOPE.
Unlike most women from dysfunctional families, you seem to have been lucky & wise with your choice of a husband. Good for you! That will make all the difference in the world. Although my brother & I made bad choices, my younger sister also chose well, & has a wonderful family life. More HOPE!!
So I encourage you to cleave unto your husband, as the Bible suggests, & have the loving family you've always wanted. No, it won't replace your childhood - but as you can see from this thread, many of us did not grow up with such a blessing. Scars will remain, but your new family will heal you day by day.
Turn towards that happiness........
Many blessings, and strength to you! |
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mommom
True Blue Farmgirl
854 Posts
Susan
Lancaster
Pennsylvania
USA
854 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2007 : 06:35:10 AM
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| My dearest Cat: I had posted before on this website that my mom never wanted me....she wanted a boy. I have a sister who is three years younger than me who has never married. My dad died in 2003. I don't know for sure that he was my dad. At any rate, I never have nor will I ever fit in with my family. My family members have always been afraid to live. NOt me. I have always liked to try new things and have fun. I was ridiculed for having four children. They made fun of me for the way I dressed, the men I dated, the jobs I held, and the cars I drove. They could never see that I was happy being me. I was called names by them for not having acne or being overweight like they were and are. But dear lady, I made a choice a long time ago to do my thing. When my dad died in 2003 I called my mom and asked her for a copy of the will. She said there was no need for that as he left everything to her and she changed her will to leave everything to my sister. I knew I had to make another choice. I have not spoken or had contact with them since that day. And you know what? I feel so much better! I have never been able to please them and I never will! I love having a big family. I love cleaning houses and working at a craft store. I love being 54 years young and wearing skirts and dresses! I love having my hair long for the first time and having gray mixed all in it! And for the first time, I don't live my life to please them so they don't chastise me! LIfe is Good! You are stronger than you can possibly imagine! You have your own "family" now who love you for who you are! Grow with this one, Cat, and you will bloom into the woman God created you to be! It's not easy, I know that for a fact. But I also know having a family doesn't make you a part of it. Make a family for your son that he will want to bring his own family home to be a part of. You can do it. Anything worth having is worth working for. Keep growing in your convictions and take it day by day! It's a choice.......you can do it! With love and blessings to you and yours, Susan |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2007 : 06:58:55 AM
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you have gotten alot of advice & understanding here. I'm sure it helps so I'm not going to give any except to say, "you can't pick your family", old but true. When our families don't turn out to be what we need or sometimes even want we want, we turn to other people in our lives that we "chose" to be there for us. The Bible is full of the values of Friendship & it's importance. Our families don't always have to be bloodlines.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2007 : 08:57:44 AM
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| Thank you all for your suppport. I think it is a comfort just to know that I am not alone out here. I am seeming to be at peace after all your posts. Thank you!!! |
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kitchensqueen
True Blue Farmgirl
521 Posts
521 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2007 : 4:17:21 PM
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Well, I can sympathize. I have, since I was a preteen, been the "black sheep" of my generation because I have a bit of rebellious streak. I never got into any heavy trouble, but one wrong turn (or even making a move they disagree with) in my family spells dissent. My mother and I are finally starting to have a decent relationship now that I'm older, but my family is not close knit and you really only hear from them when they need something or a major holiday rolls around.
I cope with this by reminding myself every day that 1.)You can't change people and 2.)Why waste precious time crying over spilt milk? I enjoy the good relationships I'm starting to build with each of my parents (seperately, as they've been divorced nearly my entire life) and ignore pretty much everyone else. I'm cordial and familial when occasion puts us in the same place, but I don't go out of my way trying to build/maintain relationships that always end up being one-sided and making me feel less than good. And I put a lot of focus into my husband-- as he's my immediate family now too.
http://apartmentfarm.wordpress.com |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2007 : 06:28:44 AM
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| Reading these posts has been very interesting and helpful. I am the youngest of three children, and I feel very much like an outsider. I have an older sister and brother. I think all families are dysfuncional...some very severely and some to much lesser degrees. There are always underlying issues no matter how loving a family appears to be. It helps to know that you are not alone! |
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idcityrose
True Blue Farmgirl
202 Posts
Rose
Idaho City
Idaho
USA
202 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2007 : 12:00:28 PM
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This topic is exactly what is happening to me right now. I raised my son (who is 16) as a single parent and took care of my mother for 14 years. My siblings who want to control everyones life did not like my choices and always resented my mother being so close to me (we live 40 miles one way from them). I took my mom to visit whenever she wanted, bought her groceries for her, kept the snow removed from her walk, split and stacked her wood, took time off work to take her to the Dr's when necessary, included her in my small families lives (I have 2 grown sons also) and love my mom more than one can imagine.
My sister who for her own reasons, has never liked me, decided a month ago that my mom needed to live with her (my mom is 80), came up with a moving van and took her to her house. I am no longer allowed to call or contact her and my poor mom, who is not very forcefull, is chosing the path of least resistance, and I don't resent that fact.
We are now at the point where I have no contact with any of my siblings, or my mom and it is OK now. I was hurt at first but I have wonderful friends and a wonderful god family, who are not blood related. Family comes in all ways, definately not just by blood. You can chose your friends, but not your family. I have always been on a different path than my siblings and I will continue on that path because I know what is in my heart and will always know the truth. Because of the people that are in my life I can continue on and know that my mom loves me and my sons and nothing can change that fact. Acceptance is what can help you endure all things, and knowing that we are OK.
Blessings and love to you,
idcityrose
We women here are Mountain farmgirls! |
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EnchantedWoodsGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
959 Posts
Kathy
New Jersey
USA
959 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2007 : 12:17:00 PM
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Dear Cat - This all sounds so familiar to me.....I was the middle child with an older sister and a younger brother. My family fell apart when my dad died and my mom took sick. This was due to a sister-in-law coming in and taking control of my mother. I had a very close relationship with both my parents, especially my mom - and then when she was sick and living with my brother and his wife I needed my sister-in-laws permission to go to my mothers room to see her. Well to make a very long story short - I basically lost contact with my mom till shortly before she was in the hospital dying (which brother did not tell me or my sister, I heard from an aunt)my mom and I had talked briefly on the phone before she got really sick, but we did not see eachother. My sister and I repaired our relationship which I am glad because I lost my sister to cancer a little over two years ago at the age of 51 - When my mother died, both my sister and I were written out of her will (which was a very bitter pill to swallow) - my brother and his wife and I believe her family got everything (including the money to adopt a second child) but still tried to say my mom had nothing - it was hard and I dealt with a lot of bad feelings but I had to let them go. I sometimes think it was guilt and bad feelings that got my sister sick - I learned to let go - I had to. I had tried so many times with my brother to mend fences but it just was not going to happen and I knew that - not meant to be and even when I was with my sister when she was dying and she wanted us to make up, it was not happening. In my mind, I cherish the fond memories I have of me and my little brother - I cherish the memory of my parents and think if my dad had still been alive none of this would have happened. But, I was not the one to take advantage of my mother when she was most vulnerable. You know in your heart that you did what you could to make things right, now it is time to let go and get on with your life. Be free from the demons that haunt you and stop beating yourself up over it- Live your life your way! I am grateful that the rift in the family gave me precious time with my sister that I may not have had otherwise. She died holding my hand and I was there for her - I was the only one she could really talk to when she needed to talk about her cancer - my brother was too weak and immature to deal with it.
Kathy of the Enchanted Wood
http://enchantedwoodmusings.blogspot.com/
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farmingdoll
Farmgirl in Training
26 Posts
Ann
sonoma valley
ca
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - Mar 19 2007 : 8:04:21 PM
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Wow , Rose, I'm new on here so I hope you don't mind I respond, but this really touched my heart after caring for your mother for 14 years and not having her around, I'm so glad you have surrounded your self with loving friends, I'm sure your son(16 year old) misses her terribly. A mother is so important in someones life and I'm sure your mother is just as crushed as both of you! I hope and pray that someday and someway your sister will come to her senses and know your mother belongs with you!
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Family Matters: Anyone not a part of their family? |
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Anyone not a part of their family?
