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Across the Fence:  I've Missed You, Girls!  |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 16 2016 : 09:28:57 AM
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Hellooooo Sisters!
I about had a bird when I signed back in today and saw that my last post was back on December 18th!!! I knew it had been a long while, but I had no idea it had been THAT long! I am so sorry I missed sharing the holidays with all of you! I hope you each had a warm, wonderful and blessed Christmas, and a New Year's kick off that set the tone for an amazing year ahead!!!
I've missed you. REALLY, REALLY missed you! Isn't it funny how most of us have never met, and yet we all have this inexplicable bond that makes each day joyful and exciting? I can't imagine life before MaryJane, us farmgirls and our beloved Farmgirl Connection... Because of all of you, life is so much richer than I could ever have imagined!!! Not checking in with you all for a day or two is a bummer... I can't BELIEVE it's been almost a month!!!
SO... Where have I been? Well, here, at home, of course... Some of you know that my husband has had some health challenges over the past couple of years, which led to him going on disability last summer. Since that time it has been this incredibly draining, almost agonizing, series of doctor's visits, testing, medication trials, insurance reporting, etc., etc. All the while, my husband has been declining and experiencing horrific physical, emotional and behavioral ups and downs. I can't even go there. Suffice it to say, there are days when I hardly recognize him. I half-jokingly say we never know which hubby is going to pop out of the box of chocolates each day. That's so hard. But I love him. Just when I think I'll never see the real him again, God blesses me with a day of encouragement when I get to see that he's still in there... With gratitude, I treasure every moment. My time is spent trying to take care of every aspect of our lives while keeping him on an even keel as much as possible. Basically, it's a rollercoaster from hell we're on - there's just no other way to describe it - and I'm trying to hold onto the safety bar for all three of us. Some days I'm so worn out and exhausted from all of this that I can't even think straight myself. Not fun. Not fun at all.
Those of you who know me know that this man is the love of my life; my best friend. It's been him and me for longer than I can remember, and my memories of our life together is filled with so much love, fun, joy and laughter. Over these past years, I started seeing changes in him. Most of the time, I wrote it off to stress at work or getting older, but I still had this gnawing feeling because what I was noticing was just so wrong. Suddenly one day a little over two years ago, our lives came to a crashing, burning, screeching halt which forced me to face these changes in him. I thought I was going to die from that "crash;" but God, thankfully, had other plans for me. Since then, he has been on a downward spiral, which has been an indescribable trial. But, you know me well enough to know that God's right here with me. Because of Him, I can do this. There are days I want to run away screaming into the night, but I know I can do this.
One of his doctors believes this is most likely CTE we're dealing with, so there is no real cure. They can't even really diagnose it until there's an autopsy. All they can do is address the symptoms as they come and as they progress. We asked if it would be to my husband's advantage to enroll in the CTE studies, but the doctor pretty much said all they do is study patients to help those in the future - they won't do anything to help him in the now. He said he'd never discourage my husband from going, but the truth is, his doctors right now are doing for him the exact same things as they would do in the studies, and at least his current doctors have an established familiarity with him and his case. If he goes to the studies, they will start all over again at square one with testing, etc.; but it will be the same old, same old. My husband doesn't want to go through all of that all over again, and I am totally in agreement. The man's under enough stress as it is. So we're going to just stick with the current course of action.
While all of this was happening, my husband started a new therapy called EMDR. They've had a lot of success with it in helping post traumatic stress disorder patients, and they are hoping it will help him with some of his symptoms as well. Unfortunately, at the beginning of December, the psychologist treating him with the EMDR told him he would probably never work again. This really hit my husband hard, sending him into a downward spiral of depression. He has basically worked since he was eight years old. Although skewed and wrong, his core identity is wrapped up in his work and achievement. I am told that this identity issue is a very common thing with men, but, to my husband, this was something more. Returning to work and feeling productive and needed was more than just meaningful to him - he was holding onto this goal for dear life. I was so angry with her for ripping this hope away from him, but I knew she didn't realize what she had done. I just told him not to worry, that she was the only one out of all the medical professionals he has seen that said anything like this. At the time he was a new patient to her, and I really believe she simply wanted to eliminate any distractions so he could focus on the therapy. You don't take away a man's hope, however. Thankfully I think she realized the impact of her statement, as she has backed off a little. But it sure made things tougher at home during the holidays.
I am happy to report, however, that we've recently had somewhat of a breakthrough in his treatment. They have done some genetic testing which has helped guide the doctors as far as medication. Apparently, because he has some enzyme deficiencies, basically every medication they have tried with him was absolutely wrong for him. These tests helped identify a number of medications that should work with his health issues. They will never cure him, but they may help keep some of his symptoms at bay for a little while, and eventually make living and functioning easier for him. I can't say enough good things about the genetic testing. We now have a glimmer of hope that they are moving in the right direction, and I am extremely grateful.
All of these things hopefully explain why I shied away from posting for a while. I just really needed to concentrate on things at home. I wanted to make our holidays merry and bright, memorable and special. It was tough because our schedule was so tight with appointments and testing and filling out paperwork. A slight glance at our calendar would simply take your breath away. My time was, and for the most part, still is, definitely not my own. But now, God has blessed us with a New Year, full of hope, and we're looking forward to bigger and brighter horizons. :) For the time being, there are very few commitments on the schedule, so I'm excited about the prospect of having more time to spend with you all here on the Farm. << And OH MY, do I have a LOT of catching up to do! We sure are a busy, exciting group, aren't we?! :) >> I'm really looking forward to seeing what 2016 will bring to all of us!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
www.papercraftingwithnini.ctmh.com
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jan 16 2016 09:38:24 AM |
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YellowRose
True Blue Farmgirl
6919 Posts
Sara
Paris
TX
USA
6919 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2016 : 10:00:07 AM
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Nini, so good to hear from you. Prayers offered up for your DH for comfort and healing. And for you prayers for strength and peace as you care for him.
Sara~~~ FarmGirl Sister #6034 8/25/14
FarmGirl of the Month Sept 2015.
Lord put your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth. |
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
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LadyInRed
True Blue Farmgirl
6740 Posts
PeggyAnn
Vancouver
WA
USA
6740 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2016 : 12:02:38 PM
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NINI...Oh, my we wondering what happened to our dear sweet sister. Thank you for sharing all of that it
really helps me to know how to pray for you and your husband. I cannot even relate to what you all
are going through but one thing I do know about you girl is that In Jesus Christ You are Strong!
We can do nothing in our own power/because we discover just how weak and frail we are in and of
ourselves. BUT... ALL Things Are Possible when we are clothed in Jesus Christ. Nini my heart knows your heart on a very spiritual level from various posts we have shared over the years. I know that you are a Woman of Godly Character and one who does not shy away from what ever God allows to happen in your life.
My Prayers are for even more Strength and Dignity and Grace to be poured into you so that it is over-
flowing in it's abundance...and thus splashes down onto your sweet/and not so sweet husband at times.
And so not only is Grace poured into you but it washes over him, washes over onto the Dr.'s and the
nurses and all those you two deal with for your husbands health issues. We know that Grace is "Unmerited
Favor" or "Undeserved Favor". And we ALL need more of it!! So, I Pray for it sister for you, and pray that you speak it over your spouse, and let it freely flow onto all others. How do you speak Grace into
someone else...you speak it in loving-kindness when they are most undeserving of it. In the bad times even more generously than you do in the good times. When they are at their worst you speak it and act it...Abundant Grace and Love. And when you don't have it in you...ask the Holy Spirit to manifest it in and through you. He will...because God is Always Faithful!!! ALWAYS BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT!
I will continue to pray for you And the Love of your life...that God will be gentle with you. Run to
His Open arms and crawl up onto His Lap when you need more of Him to get you through your days.
Love and Live Deeply In Him,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
Dec 2011-Farmgirl of the Month
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
Don't allow others to steal the Glitz from your *SPARKLE*
Life is too short to knit with ugly yarn!
Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch |
Edited by - LadyInRed on Jan 16 2016 12:07:32 PM |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2016 : 6:45:46 PM
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Hey girl!
So nice to hear from you....Hang in there dear one--Thinking of you.
Melody |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9325 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9325 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2016 : 8:33:56 PM
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Nini,
So nice too see you here again. Things are tough but I know God gives us what we need daily. So glad there is something that seems to be helping.
~Denise~
Farmgirl Sister #43
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105
http://www.ladybugsandlilacs.blogspot.com/
http://www.torisgram.etsy.com |
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Red Tractor Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
6594 Posts
Winnie
Gainesville
Fl
USA
6594 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2016 : 05:01:38 AM
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Nini, it is good to hear from you again and I am happy to hear that there may be some positive treatment possibilities for your husband. I have missed all of your posts these past few weeks but certainly understand that you needed to be focused on home and getting your husband to his medical appointments. I've been keeping you and DH in my prayers and will continue to do so. Take care of you too!!
Winnie #3109
Red Tractor Girl
Farm Sister of the Year 2014-2015 |
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treelady
True Blue Farmgirl
2307 Posts
Julie
Medina
ND
USA
2307 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2016 : 12:12:32 PM
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Nini, welcome home! As with all families especially mine, you get a hug when you walk back in the door ( ). My prayers are with your husband for relief in his day to day health issues and to you for everything you are dealing with. Always remember your farmgirl family is here whenever you need us!
A little rain can straighten a flower stem. A little love can change a life.
Max Lucado |
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ceejay48
Farmgirl Legend/Schoolmarm/Sharpshooter
13621 Posts
CeeJay (CJ)
Dolores
Colorado
USA
13621 Posts |
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl
2474 Posts
Bonnie
Minneapolis
Minnesota
USA
2474 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2016 : 6:19:06 PM
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Nini, it's so good to hear from you again. We only have this minute so don't try to project too far ahead. God will help you but you all are definitely in my prayers. Thanks for letting us know we can at least help with YOUR spirit. God bless.
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 09:39:32 AM
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Oh! I am feeling the love and warm farmgirl hugs... BOY did I miss you all! Thank you for your prayers and support - that means so much to me, you'll never know.
Peggy - that was beautiful... Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Things are definitely different, and definitely not easy, but you're all so very right! I'm taking baby steps guided by God, with lots of prayer, and watching with anticipation as His plan unfolds!
I'm so thankful that God made us farmgirl sisters!
Love and hugs back atcha, girls!
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 09:56:03 AM
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Hugs and prayers out to you, dear Nini. I was gone for awhile and am so glad to see you are still here also. You are right about the Farmgirl Connection, such a wonderful, caring and uplifting place.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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Marcy
True Blue Farmgirl
2701 Posts
Marcy
Tiverton
Rhode Island
USA
2701 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 10:07:54 AM
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Nini,
You have been so, so missed! It was so wonderful hearing for you again. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs,
Marcy
Farmgirl #170
FGOTM August 2012
Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give...Eleanor Roosevelt
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KristiW
Moderator/Farmgirl True
639 Posts
Kristine
MaryJanesFarm
USA
639 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 11:28:24 AM
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Welcome back Nini. Sometimes you just have to hunker down quietly for a while to get your head on straight. Thanks for sharing your story. Reaching out really is good therapy!
Kristi
Farmgirl Sister #6
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auntjenny
True Blue Farmgirl
277 Posts
Jenny
San Luis Obispo
CA
USA
277 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 1:40:21 PM
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Welcome back nini! Sounds like you have your hands full. So wonderful that your husband has you. I love reading your words of love for him. Isn't it wonderful to have that special person to feel that way about? I have had EMDR treatments in the past, and it helped quite alot ( for ptsd) so hopefully it will be a good thing for him as well.
Dream like you have a lifetime ahead of you. Live like you only have today. |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2016 : 9:01:44 PM
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Thank you so much, girls. I am just so happy to have you all in my life! Always a source of joy and strength! Love you!!! I hope you ALL know that I'm always here for you, too! ALWAYS!
Jenny - Thank you for sharing about your EMDR experience! You're the only non-medical person I know who has even heard of it before!!! That is such a good report to hear! I just pray it does help him. He thinks it's a silly therapy, and doesn't see the sense in it, but he's willing to give it a try. I keep reassuring him, telling him to give it a chance and see what happens. They are just having such great success with EMDR, there has to be something to it! Do you remember how long it took before you noticed it was having any effect?
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Blessed in Colorado
True Blue Farmgirl
6585 Posts
Debbie L.
Oregon
USA
6585 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2016 : 07:38:00 AM
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Hello Nini, doesn't it feel good to be back? I have been gone a very, very long time and it is like coming home.
I have missed all of you.
Have a beautiful day!
Hugs,
Deb
#1582
Blessed in Colorado
"Dream as if you will live forever...live as if you will die today." James Dean
"The truth is everyone is going hurt you. You got to find the ones worth suffering for." Bob Marley
"Friendship is when people know all about you but love you anyway."
www.etsy.com/shop/MountainWingsAntique
www.Amazon.com/Blessed in Colorado
http://myworld.ebay.com/debbt |
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SunnyJam
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
Jamie
Seattle
WA
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2016 : 11:29:45 AM
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Nini, it's so great to hear from you! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for catching us up in the midst of your hectic schedule. You, Charlie, and Sam are ever in my prayers.
Farmgirl Sister #2504 |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2016 : 12:31:26 PM
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It DOES feel like being back home, Deb... I have missed YOU, too!!!! Life...what a thing! It's always good when we come full circle and wind up right back where we belong!
JAMIE!!! Where have you been?! I've missed you so much! When you get a chance, please drop me a line! We have lots of catching up to do, for sure!!! :)
God bless you all - just love you to pieces!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2016 : 3:11:28 PM
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Nini--we all missed you. so glad you are back. I am praying for both you and your husband--I know about EMDR but I've never had it. I know people who have and they say it helps. It can be so scary to see the person you love disappear into another dimension and you wonder if you'll ever see them again. But he is still there, I can assure you. I experienced an incredible trauma when I was young and my true personality disappeared for years. It was still there, just no one could see it. Your husband's struggles are real and difficult but God is with him and he is still the man you know and love. And I know God is with you--you have been such a blessing to so many women on this forum and I know God will bless you. Sometimes your husband may forget who he is but God knows, and God will see him through. I know this from experience. And because God loves you. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2016 : 3:33:56 PM
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Cindy, thank you so much... You and your words mean so much to me. Love you, sister. Hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Across the Fence: I've Missed You, Girls! |
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I've Missed You, Girls!
