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Family Matters:  It's 12:35 am I cant sleep! Hubby issues.  |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 10:46:00 PM
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Edited by - willowtreecreek on Apr 07 2007 3:35:37 PM |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
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vintagechica
True Blue Farmgirl
438 Posts
Eren
Poolville
TX
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 11:11:49 PM
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Im so sorry...Im up too, but mine is a coffee at 4:30 p.m. kind of issue. I hate that when you cant sleep because you have too many thoughts running through your head. Ive always heard it helps to write them down, so maybe it will help now that you have them off your chest.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A sure way to avoid housework...live outdoors.
www.vintagechica.typepad.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 12:35:44 AM
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Maybe he gets defensive because he already feels guilty a bit? I know that I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work, and like your hubby I usually manage to pull through fine. Not that I recommend this approach. One reason I always manage to do fine is because, though I might not be writing it down or physically working on a project- I am normally thinking about it a lot. Usually before I even sit down to write a report or a speech I already know where it is going or have a lot of it framed up in my mind. Again, I DO NOT recommend this approach as it only works for a select few and sometimes it has really reared up to get me in the end. However I know that when people ask me about my school work or whatever, if I get defensive, it is usually because I know I am already walking down the wrong path and am feeling guilty about it and usually somewhat stressed because the deadline is coming up.
I know this isn't fair to the people around me in times like this. Not only did I get my ownself into the trouble, but I have to get myself out.
Anyway I just wanted to offer that- in case maybe that can help you see into your hubby's heart. I know when I get my feelings hurt, sometimes it helps a little to understand why the person lashed out in the first place. It certainly doesn't make it better but sometimes it helps. I hope you and your hubby work it out. Maybe after this crisis is over you two can sit down and have a chat about how these situations make you feel? If he is like most guys he won't pick up on why it makes you upset unless you spell it out for him. :) |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
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Nance in France
True Blue Farmgirl
1438 Posts
Nancy
St. Laurent de la Salanque
France
1438 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 08:00:36 AM
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| Julie, hang in there, gal pal. Alee has offered some good insights, so take heart. Your husband's study habits are not great, but somehow he manages to get a last minute burst of energy and pull himself out of the fire. It is hard for you, because you love him, want him to do well, and you have to bite your tongue because he isn't using his valuable time wisely. It's not easy to endure things we can't control; heck, sometimes we can't even control ourselves! Farmgal hugs. Nance |
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katiedid
True Blue Farmgirl
601 Posts
Kate
West Jordan
Utah
USA
601 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 08:30:51 AM
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Julie....I know your dh's way of doing things drives you nuts, But..it is his issue. Don't take it on. Don't nag him about it. IT will only cause contention in all aspects of your relationship.
My dh has this ability to focus on a task or project..(it is almost narrow-mindedness) and he will obsess over until he is finished. It drives me crazy! He doesn't hear the phone or the kids, it is like he is in his "zone" and no one can reach him. It is funny because it can be his biggest stregnth, this stick-to-it-ness. It can also be his biggest challenge/fault. This is true for most of us, and the tricky part is finding balance.
I am guessing that your husband's procrastination is just the flip side of his biggest stregnth???? Is he patient??? Is he a peacemaker?? Think about his positive character....focus on that. And remember, in the end, he always gets the important things done!
Good luck
Love and light to you
Kate
my new blog http/www.theknifemakerswife.wordpress.com |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 09:34:02 AM
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Yes Alee you are right. I know he feels like he should be doing it but for some reason that still doesn't motivate him. I'm really biting my tongue and not saying anything cause it will make it worse. I did feel better after getting it down. It's just richie and I have to remember that this is a part of the love of my life so even though I don't like it it's not really hurting me so Ijust have to let it go. do feel better now.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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KarenP
True Blue Farmgirl
666 Posts
Karen
Chippewa Falls
Wisconsin
USA
666 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 3:08:07 PM
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Okay Julie,
Now I'm curious, how are you paying for schooling?
My husband is thinking of quitting his job and going to school, we're looking at living on my income and probably having to get school loans to pay for school. We are a little scared, but I think he needs to just do it and we will figure it as we go.
I'd rather he get thru this as a full time student than try to work full time and long days and then try to fit in a few classes here and there.
It would take too long going part time as he's 54.
Any suggestions for us?
Thanks,
KarenP
"Purest Spring Water in the World" |
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Kelly43
True Blue Farmgirl
349 Posts
NJ
USA
349 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 4:22:15 PM
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Julie, Hope you finally got some sleep last night. My husband is the same way, waits till the last minute and gets the good grades too. Me, had to work hard for everything. It's a little annoying but I guess I have to be proud of him in the long run. Hang in there, you are both going to be big successes!!! Hope your trip to class tonight was uneventful. Will be thinking of you.
Kelly |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 4:23:43 PM
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Karen,
Could he work part time? Would his employer give him an educational leave of absence? There are other alternatives besides just being a full-time student...
I worked my way through undergraduate working 20-30 hours a week in a restaurant - and then have been working on my master's off and on while still working full time (and it IS difficult, I grant, but it IS possible)
A part-time job might help to ease the money issues maybe prevent you from going too deeply in debt.
My sister went to school on student loans and now that she's finally graduated (she changed her major several times) and they are coming due she is realizing that she may never get out of debt in her lifetime.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2006 : 5:30:25 PM
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my concern about the man being 54, is although employers aren't supposed to discriminate against age..alot of them do and finding work again after quitting at that age..well..quite frankly can be very difficult. My advice would be as Brenda has stated..can he go on part time? or can the employer help foot part of the educational bill(some employers do pay for furthering of education) and perhaps a lighter work schedule would serve the purposes.
Best of wishes in whatever you decide though.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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KarenP
True Blue Farmgirl
666 Posts
Karen
Chippewa Falls
Wisconsin
USA
666 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2006 : 6:33:10 PM
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The plan would be when my husband would graduate, he would be a licensed acupuncturist and working for himself or in partnership with another.
This would be a 180 degree change from what he's doing now, an auto parts store manager. That's why we feel he should go full time and get thru school.
KarenP
"Purest Spring Water in the World" |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2006 : 7:10:23 PM
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Karen
We are both paying for school as we go and still paying off over $100,000 of combined loans for undergrad work. We both went to a Private university and both have 2 undergrad degrees! We fortunatly don't have a house payment. Richies grandmother had left her house to us when she passed away and although the circumstances were not like one would wish it has been a blessing. We don't use credit cards so have no debt there. We don't have kids. One of our cars is paid off. We work 8 miles from the house at the same school so we 'carpool' and only have to fill up like every week and a half. We try not to eat out too much and we put every extra penny we can scrape up into 5 month CD's so we make good interest and aren't tempted to spend the money on things we don't need. We avoid Walmart like the plague, clip coupons, pay our bills online so we don't have to buy stamps, and we don't have cable or satallite. We don't have cell phones. We don't turn the heat above 65 in the winter or the air below 72 in the summer. We eat leftovers or feed the scraps to the dogs if we run out of dog food! If we go out to eat we drink water instead of soda.(1.75 each times 2 people twice a week for 52 weeks = $364 per year that we aren't wasting!)
And we do all of this on teacher salaries and we are in one of the lowest paying school districts in Arkansas which happens to also be one of the lowest paying states!
Sometimes I wonder how we do it but I guess where there is a will there is a way!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 05:13:56 AM
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Julie, I don't know if this helps, but let me tell you about my hubby. And Karen, maybe this'll help you, too.
Years ago, hubby decided that he wanted to go back to grad school. He told both his employer and his school of his decision to continue with work and go to school part and full time. He worked about 50 hours a week, sometimes more, and had his schedule worked out so he could do his T-R classes and work the other days, or if it was M-W-F, then he'd try to make sure that they were either all morning or afternoons. He finished his MBA in three years instead of two; but that was okay. He went to work and to school, studied a bit, and that was it. I did everything else. Everything.
He's the kind of person that can read his material and know it. Not me; I'm the type that has to review the night before an exam, and am a bit anxious about cramming. I had fits a few times because it looked like he didn't care that a midterm or final was coming, or some big project or something, because if it was me, I'd have to be working all along on it. Not him; he had an entirely different style, and never missed a deadline, even working 50+ hours a week. In fact his nickname at work now is Mr Deadline, because he never misses. Not ever, no matter what it takes.
We also had some student loans, but they weren't too bad. We paid them off quickly and have moved on.
Karen, I'd urge your hubby to talk with both his employer and his academic advisor, and see if it can work out for him to go to school part/full time while still working the minimum number of hours. There are many schools that have programs tailored for the working adult, because this is a person who is usually motivated and makes a fine student. It can be done.
I will caution you however, to investigate the laws governing who can do acupuncture in Wisconsin. Here in Illinois, from what I understand you have to be either an MD or a DC (medical doctor or doctor of chiropractic) to be trained for people, and in animals it's considered a surgical procedure because it's invasive, and only DVMs can do it. |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 07:36:42 AM
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Ummm I hope this doesn't sound horrible, and I know I stress and treat my hubby the same way sometimes but here goes:
You're not his Mother you're his wife....
Big difference! A lot of people just work this way, if he does and he can still get grades than get off his back and worry about your own studies.
Again I know how hard that is to do! But it will make a world of difference in you and your marriage. Sometimes we need to hear it straight and quit worrying over things you can't control -- have you tried listening to books on tape, drive time devotionals or specific music for your drive? These things help me out a lot.
Blessings,
Holly
said with love and concern as a friend and not in a harsh way at all......I know it can come across wrong online.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Nov 30 2006 07:42:39 AM |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 07:56:39 AM
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Holly - I agree 100% with you. I have never really gotten on to him about this accept for the one time he asked if it was okay if he stayed home. That was the ONLY time I have ever said anything. This is a "SILENT STRUGGLE" for me. I certainly would try never to tell him what to do and when. The problem is he gets behind, gets anxious and then gets snippy with me. He askes me to help him with his projects and I really dont feel I should have to (although I usually do - am I being an 'enabler'?) so it just causes tension. Richie and I get a long REALLY well. We work together and are really together ALL the time. Well at school we are in different buildings but he's close by. We spend all summer together and VERY RARELY do we argue. We haven't even really argued over this I just feel a lot of stress because of the situation. I'm letting it go and if he doesn't get it done and has to repeat the class - maybe he'll do better next time. I do love him and I am really not MAD about it. It is just one of those things that makes you want to pull all your hair out and scream! HAA! Thanks for the advice.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2007 : 8:00:37 PM
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The problem of your husband's chronic procrastination may indeed be his, but you both have to live with the consequences of it. I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to hope for some changes, though right now may not be the best time to make an issue of it at home.
There are no doubt many reasons why your husband behaves as he does. A lot of what you're telling us suggests he might have some form of adult Attention Deficit Disorder. His chronic need to delay pulling important work together until the last minute may be a way for him to self-medicate, by using the excitement of a looming deadline to trigger the natural release of chemicals his mind needs to help it function better for the kind of work he has to do. That's only part of how ADD can affect people. There's a lot more, and it's all pretty fascinating.
When you've ridden out this latest crisis, both of you might find it enlightening to read up on the subject and see if you think it would be worth going any further. Here's one place to start: http://www.add.org/
Good luck to you both! |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2007 : 8:02:16 PM
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Wowie! I just noticed the date of the last post in this thread! Sorry to be chiming in so late.
Um...did I mention I have ADD? LOL |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2007 : 05:08:31 AM
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im sorry your so stressed especially w/ school and w/ hubby. Try to destress yourself as best you can & hopefully he'll find a way also. I'll keep ypu in my thoughts & prayers.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2007 : 09:01:31 AM
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Willowtreecreek,
Sorry to be chiming in so late, but I just had to once I saw your posts. Used to have a boyfriend who would procrastinate about his master's work. I even wrote a paper for him. Big mistake. Do NOT help him anymore with HIS homework. You have enough to do, and as Holly said you are not his mother. He needs to do his own work. I know that you want to help him but you'll be helping him most by letting him experience the consequences of his actions.
Julie |
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Mikki
True Blue Farmgirl
1510 Posts
Mikki
Austin
Indiana
USA
1510 Posts |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2007 : 1:06:47 PM
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It's funny that this topic popped up again today! Richie is getting into spring finals and this whole procrastination thing has been lurking around again! Rosemary you must have been an angel sent from God cause seeing this post again reminded me not to let it bother me and it will all turn out fine.
By the way - I do NOT believe that Richie has ADD. I think he may have MMDEFMMWL disease (My mother did everything for me my whole life)!
I have ADD and have actually read several books and am able to deal with it much better than I used to.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2007 : 3:53:38 PM
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| Greetings, fellow ADD-er. Too bad your husband doesn't fit the profile on closer inspection ;-) That woulda been too easy, right? (sigh) |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Mar 31 2007 : 10:42:23 PM
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Oh boy, other ADD'ers!! I have a mild case and one of my daughters has a moderate case. NOW I understand how I used to drive my mother looney!!
I'm a procrastinator too and somehow everything gets done. I don't think I'm as bad as I used to be cuz now, if I don't watch it, I'm making lists of my lists and things have to be just so. Can drive myself nuts without outside help!! My hubby is a great balancer for me cuz he's pretty laid back.
I agree with the others, just let your hubby handle his stuff and try not to stress...(well, everyone else said what I would have said so I'm taking the easy way out!!)...hehehe...
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
http://goneridingagain.bravehost.com |
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sewgirlie
True Blue Farmgirl
1894 Posts
Sheryl-lyn
Calverton
NY
USA
1894 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 3:32:58 PM
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Can I join the ADD club? I have always had it too. Right now I am supposed to be cleaning my attic and I keep getting distracted for 5 minutes here 15 minutes there. That's why it takes me so long to do things I have to do. When I love to do something, my mind can engage for a longer period of time.
I have learned to cope with my ADD by breaking all chores, jobs,etc into smaller, more manageable parts. Then I can get distracted and know it's not a lost cause. I even set a timer for some of my activities so that I remember to keep going, or to stop, if it's a diversion!
Pardon my while I go off to get distracted in the attic again! :) |
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Family Matters: It's 12:35 am I cant sleep! Hubby issues. |
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It's 12:35 am I cant sleep! Hubby issues.
