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Family Matters:  Feeling bad, money issues in marriage  |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 09:44:13 AM
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Hi gals. I've been trying to find a way to word this for a few weeks, but just haven't had the courage to and when I read the "blessings for our husbands" thread, I feel WORSE. My husband is going through something, though I can't pin it...we never used to fight about money, and though there wasn't much, we never had problems paying our bills. Now, we ONLY have problems with money. He has a job now, but quit his job abruptly last April, which put us behind. He was out of work for several months, because he wanted to make a career change, and spend more time with me. I was really supportive because we've always been apart (he was a bartender--late hours) but we just kept getting more and more behind, and so, he went back to serving. He found a job late summer with daytime hours and no weekends (which is great), but he is making less than $85 dollars a week, serving lunches from 10-2 pm, and it's been really difficult to get by. I am a paralegal, employed full time, carry our benefits and our retirement funds. I really feel like a jerk even posting about this, but I'm losing sleep at night to worry, and I've talked and talked to him about our unpaid bills, with very little response. I'm wearing glasses that are 8 years out of date because I can't even afford my contact lenses, but he doesn't seem to see any issues with our sacrifices. Now he's distant and somewhat stubborn about making any sort of change. We have $16.00 until Friday, with a few groceries but no toilet paper and no trash bags. He lost his last two paychecks, ($24.00 and $12.00). And, on Monday, he took the $40.00 that he made and bought cd's, after I told him that I needed every single penny that week to pay the electric (my money was going to the house payment). I had to use housepayment money for the electric, and I'm behind again. After work everday, I have to ASK him if he made any money, and he reluctantly gives it to me. I feel like his mother! I feel terrible--like I'm some kind of failure that I can't stretch this money...when I read all of these postings about frugality, and the way folks live, I just get more frustrated. I resent him because, while I'm glad he's home more, it's really taxed us, and all of my income is spent on bills and household items--not frivolity. It's for "us", but I feel like the only one on the team, you know? I've considered getting another job, but I resent it, and wonder why I should have to? I want to quit arguing but you see, I'm torn between the "better or worse" part of my vows :) So, suggestions would be really helpful... If anyone has had experience with money issues, I would appreciate it...the more we talk or argue about it, the more distant we become from one another, and I'd like to stop it before we get too far to turn back.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 10:29:46 AM
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Third party counselling is what I would suggest Jonni. And I would INSIST on it. The resentment and bitterness is only going to erode your relationship further and further until there is no longer any respect and it is no longer salvagable. You really sound like you don't want that.
It sounds to me like he works a job he enjoys and spends HIS money irresponsibly because he knows that somehow or another, you will bail the both of you out one way or another. He's dumped the whole financial part of your marriage in your lap and while it certainly isn't fair, only you can enable him to do it and drag you down. You need to issue an ultimatum, mostly for your own peace of mind, self-esteem, etc. This is YOUR life too and you deserve to be happy.
I wish you all the best and offer a warm <hug>. Put your chin up, dig in your heels and work on whatever you need to to make things better.
Diane |
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summerbreeze
True Blue Farmgirl
277 Posts
Laura
WA
USA
277 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 10:55:58 AM
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Jonni,
I think counselling is a great idea. Many insurance companys wull cover some of it. I just want to offer you love and support during this tough time.
Laura
You only live once,if you do it right once is enough. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 11:37:31 AM
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Thanks. Truly. I hope you know how much it meant to simply get it off my chest a little (ok, a lot :)). My mother isn't the most approachable, and she only ever says "Oh, never ever fight about money, it's the worst thing you can do..." which is sometimes easier said than done. Come to think about it, when my old boyfriend was experiencing alcoholism, her advise was "not to fight about drinking" also...
Diane, you must KNOW me--once I lose respect for someone, you might as well just stick a fork in it, cause it's done! I'm my father's daughter in that respect. And, I'm getting there, so before it's too late, I agree counseling is in order. I was just hoping that he would get himself together--be my HUSBAND and my partner. I also agree--he's relying on me to find a solution, because I always DO... I'm certainly determined-- but maybe that's been to my detriment this time.
Thanks so much! I feel at least better knowing that I'm not just a crazy-mean-failure, etc..) and that the way I've been feeling is certainly valid.
Best,
Jonni
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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lamarguerite farm
True Blue Farmgirl
649 Posts
missy
Battle Ground
Wa
USA
649 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 12:01:35 PM
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Jonni-I'm dealing with some of the same issues that you are with my husband, but we have other sets of issues as well. We have been going through this for litterally years and I have become very bitter. It has eroded our relationship and unfortunately I don't respect my husband any more. I would definately get on top of the situation now with counseling before you get to that point. You have every right to feel frustrated. It's very hard when your husband isn't acting as an equal partner in the marriage. I wish you all the best and I'll be praying for you.
Love and Blessings,
Missy
If you have a dream, even if you don't feel qualified to accomplish it, just try your hardest.-Maggie Jensen
http://18happyhens.blogspot.com
http://LamargueriteFarm.etsy.com |
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junebug
True Blue Farmgirl
2421 Posts
Sue
West Plains,
Mo.
USA
2421 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 12:35:01 PM
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Jonni ( Missy too) I too agree with some outside help, if you can't afford it seek a support group, they have one for everything! I hate to say it but I'm sure you want us to be honest, but in most cases like this, there is a underlying reason for his behavior, not just money issues? I'll keep you girls in my prayers and hang in there!
Visit me at my blogs:
www.countrypleasures.blogspot.com
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
And my new food blog at: www.homesteadblogger.com/gardencafe
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katie-ell
True Blue Farmgirl
1818 Posts
Katie
Illinois
1818 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 12:37:35 PM
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Jonni -- Might your husband be depressed? He may feel unhappy about not being able to make the career change he wanted to and now is stuck in what sounds like a part-time job. He needs to be able to work up to his potential in order to contribute to your partnership in life. But he doesn't have that job now, and he may be making rash purchases defensively.
One thing I reacted to in your original posting -- that you ask him EVERY DAY for his money and that you feel like his mother. Why not share the bill-paying responsibilities -- he could write the check or bring the money to the electric company? He needs to feel valued and valuable in your relationship and your joint-relationship with money.
I totally agree that some counseling is needed here. You each need to be able to see the other person's side of this situation.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 12:39:20 PM
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Equality. Now there's a word for ya. I'm sorry to know that you are still experiencing this issue with your husband, Missy. I've only been dealing with it for several months, and I'm well sick of it--can't imagine it being a never ending matter--so more than me, I'll be thinking of you. I do have some difficulty with confrontation, and I'm "rehearsing" my speech about counseling, but I know that I have to do something. When I first started to worry, and feeling like he was being unfair, my friend suggested that I pay all the bills that I could, keep some money for me for emergency,and then, if the water gets turned off, or if the gas gets turned off, because there's no more money, it just does. Let him see what the consequences are....but that just scares me to death. I'm so prideful, and I think I'd feel just, I don't know, like the wind was knocked out of me. Also, I think, "that means I'll also suffer the consequences..."
I guess I'm just so bummed that there even has to be a lesson. That the man I married (who wasn't like this the first 4 years of our marriage) suddenly doesn't have enough respect for himself, or for me to provide--to do what he also vowed to me. Grr.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 1:43:33 PM
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Missy's message speaks volumes and I hate to admit to being in the same boat...29 years into the marriage.
But what really stands out in this entire thread is the last line in your own post Jonni.
Hugs,
Diane
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 2:14:08 PM
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Ok..there are a couple of matters that I hadn't really thought of because I live with him and am used to it now, but
my husband is also severely ADHD--unmedicated by choice--and has major depressions and highs and I really feel he's been a low for sometime--defensive spending is part of this, too. When we first started dating, he gave me a book from his dad called "ADHD, a different side to the story." I read it cover to cover and thought, no big deal. This describes every artist, dancer, musician, quirky person I've ever met. I'm a dancer-- and we're weird! I really love him and care about his feelings, but lately, it's been at the expense of my own. It was really difficult for him to not be able to get a job this summer, doing what he wanted to do (vet tech'ing), and I really was encouraging, but eventually, we were about to lose our home and just couldn't wing it anymore. Now, I'm sure he feels that he's stuck in a mediocre position, and that wouldn't be what I want either
I really have tried to give him responsiblity, I swear. Because of his ADHD, sometimes things just don't get done--credit card bills should get paid on time, not a week or two later, or never. And, when he's been responsible for them, he just forgets, and then gets mad when reminded, or when he gets cash in his hand, he spends it, because he has "server mentality" and there will always be an opportunity for more tomorrow. That's the main reason that I ask him for his money after work, because if I don't, he assumes that we don't need it--even though I've explained we do--that there's never NOT a time we don't need even $10.00 lately.
When we first got married, I had to explain a checking account to him--that the balance at the ATM doesn't reflect the actual balance in our checking account. He'd just always had cash, lots of it, and as a server working a really good bartending job, there was always more to come, so he never used a bank and budgeting wasn't an option for him.
Whew. Maybe I need to reread the ADHD book again....we've been together for six years and I'm just so used to some of these behaviors that I forget that he might not be a total jerk, but maybe a guy whose pistons are firing too rapidly...
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 3:13:43 PM
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Jonni,
I would approach him with the counselling. If he won't go, go without him! This is usually covered by insurance; if not, there are usually local agencies that charge on a sliding scale according to income. In the meantime, I would start saving for your glasses even if it's only $5 per week. Sometimes, you need to get someone's attention the hard way if he's stubborn. This would be cutting back on things that he uses the most and then "sweetly" tell him that you couldn't afford that this week! I'm sure that it will not take long for that to get his attention and make him want to sit and discuss solutions to the problem. I wonder if he's depressed about something. I wouldn't let this go on as it will just get worse I'm afraid. Hang in there.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 7:59:35 PM
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Jonni,
I really hope that you can get some resolution - it is eating away at you and will only get worse. I definitely agree with the counselling option, if he will go for it. You don't want to add another thing to fight about. Is there an adult ADHD counselling/support group, even if just for you to go to and discuss issues?
I am thinking of you (and Missy too) and sending my best wishes your way.
All the best,
Jayne |
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 05:06:20 AM
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I agree with the counseling, but keep in mind that counselors are human too, and are not always right. We went to counseling for a very similar situation several years ago, and the counselor basically said it was my fault that my husband didn't go back to work, and was in a major depression because after we were married I got my college degree, and I got a good job in a well paying profession while my husband didn't.
Then I was really in a pickle--I thought counseling was supposed to help the situation, and after that particular session, I was waaaayy more confused than I was before! I was almost at the point where I quit my job just so my husband would have the chance to go out and get a job and earn more than me. Then I thought, "This is stupid, am I going to tell my daughter that she needs to quit college because mom needs to quit her job so dad can force himself to get a job?? Am I going to quit my job so we can lose our house, car, retirement savings, etc. because a counselor said it was my fault that my husband has low self esteem??" And, what kind of message does this send to my two adult daughters? And will the added pressure of neither of us working, and not having **any** money really make our marital relationship better??
So, I still work, he still doesn't, he deals with depression on and off, I deal with the pressure of being the main bread-winner, and life goes on. It's mentally tough on me sometimes, but we're married for better or worse, and if I were single, or if he were disabled I'd have to work just like I am now. And, if he were the wife, and I were the husband, this is just the way it would be, and no-one would think it was a problem at all!
Bottom line is, counseling can be good, and it can help, but it's not always the gospel truth, so use your good, farmgirl judgement when sifting through what the counselor tells you.
Hugs to you!! Kathy
and speaking of "gospel truth", the Bible is where I got lots of counseling and strength to face each day--whether it was good or bad. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 This is one of my favorite verses, to know that God is with us through everything. |
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 05:34:55 AM
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Jonni,
Ahhhh, ADHD. Now that's a whole different ball game. There are counselors who specialize in ADHD and I would seek them out. The most important thing is for your husband to "want" to address the issues. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. It will give you a better perspective on things if the counselor understands ADHD as well. I would still do something for or towards myself each week even if it's only saving $5 for glasses.
For Kathy, it sounds like you got hold of a really bad counselor! Your common sense was better in that situation but I would still seek out a "good counselor". I wish you both strength to deal with these issues. Hang in there.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:06:06 AM
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Gosh, now that I've started posting on this subject, I may not be able to stop!
Just to give you a little more background, we were married for 22 years before my husband lost his job. So, I knew he was a good worker, and contributer to the marriage. He was a butcher, and he was one of those guys that never missed a day's work. When the store closed and he lost his job, we thought it might be kind of a good break for him. He was 45, like I said he never really had any time off, he'd get unemployment for 6 months, and I had a good job. So, we decided that he'd take the summer off, and figure out what he wanted to do for the rest of his life (he'd started to get bad arthritis in his hands & shoulders from working in the cooler). But, he never really seemed to be able to figure out what he wanted to do. In the last 8 years he's been a bail bondsman (6 mo), worked in a factory (3 mo), tried meat cutting again (1 yr) and delivered RVs (1 1/2 yrs). So, now at age 53, he's been unemployed for about 5 of the last 8 years, and totally unemployed for the last year and a half.
He graduated from high school 35 years ago, and the thought of going back to school for anything terrifies him. I vividly remember the day I came home from work and he had gone to Home Depot to apply for a job. He was devastated because one of the questions on the application was, "what is the cube root of 9?" He hadn't taken a math class since 1967, and had no clue what a cube root was. Now, he's even scared to fill out an application! He's gone for job counseling, but nothing has worked out for him yet.
Money has been tight, but we have been exceedingly fortunate in that I do have a good job that pays all the bills. We're not "wintering in Florida", but we're able to go out for dinner every now and then.
Yes, he does blow money every now and then, and yes, I get angry, feel like the mom, and I have to bite my tongue so I don't treat him like a kid. And, yes, I have to deal with some pretty ugly feelings of resentment and self-pity on my part sometimes.
But, I have had to take a step back and look at my life and what I want out of my life too. I decided long ago that I love my husband and I want to stay married to him, whether he has a job or not, and when that resentment wells up, I have to go back and re-visit this committment. So, I decided that I'd just do whatever needed to be done to make the life I wanted to have. I work a full time job, and I do accounting and tax work on the side to make a little extra money. Yes, I resent it sometimes, but I have to remember that in the grand scheme of things I love my husband and I would rather be married to him and work for both of us than not be married to him at all.
Everyone's different, and you will need to think your life through, figure out what you want, and how to accomplish it. Counseling is good, but like I said, you need to temper it with your good farmgirl judgement for your particular situation, and what you want out of your life.
((((BIG HUGS TO YOU!!)))))
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JenniferJuniper
True Blue Farmgirl
359 Posts
Jennifer
New Hampshire
USA
359 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:17:57 AM
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Does he contribute to the household chores? i.e., are you working all day then coming home to pull a second shift by cooking dinner and cleaning? If so, it will help to have him shoulder more responsibility, if not financial, then with the running of the house. a, he will have something productive to contribute, b, a sense of accomplishment even in small things is good for self esteem, and c, you get a break from shouldering all the home and money responsibilities.
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:30:56 AM
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If you're asking me, yes, he does. He does everything outside & some things inside. He's not big on scrubbing toilets yet :) Our younger daughter is 25 and single, and he does all her yardwork and the outside maintenance on her house too. His mom & dad live 3 hours away, but he goes down there to help them out sometimes too. And, last summer (2005) he built them a new porch & deck on the back of their house. After that, I tried to get his to go into maintenance or building decks or something like that. But, no, he doesn't think he can do work like that for a living--he thinks it's OK for his parents, but not for real money.
No fancy food--meat loaf, eggs, baked chicken, but like you said, it gives him a feeling of accomplishment. Winter is the hardest time because there's not much to do outside & he gets stir-crazy! |
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JenniferJuniper
True Blue Farmgirl
359 Posts
Jennifer
New Hampshire
USA
359 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:57:39 AM
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| Kudos on that, then. Mine won't cook or do a single household chore other than vacuum, reasoning is that he earns more than me. Burns me up sometimes..... |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 08:04:03 AM
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Wow. No shortage of great minds, here, and I am certainly not surprised!!!
Ok--Jennifer (Juniper):) nope, no hope on the household chores horizon. He can live in absolute filth. When I ask him to do the dishes, it literally takes 4 days. I'm not exagerating. I've tried waiting him out, girls, and he ALWAYS wins. I mean, dishwater sitting for days. Absolutely festering. And I just give in--angrily. When he does do something, if I don't say "Oh honey what a beautiful wonderful thing you've done--I think I'll just ooh and aah all day over this, etc..." then I never appreciate him. This is just basic stuff--like picking up underwear from the floor and all 5 days of clothing taken off and placed on the living room chair (because that's where it goes  . I'm sure it's the same when everyone first lives together--you're getting to know each other's methods and madness, and to me, if I respect you and love you, I'm going to try to do things the way you like to the extent that it's do-able. There are ALL kinds of ways to say I love you, I think, and actions sometimes speak louder than words. When I work 8 hours a day and more, sometimes, I would love to come home to a clean house, or prepared dinner--even a cheap pizza. Last week, he offered to "order a cheap pizza" after an especially long day in the courtroom, and then got distant when I asked what he wanted on it, because a week ago, I had "promised to make meat loaf, creamed peas and mashed potatoes" for Thursday, and that's what he really wanted...So, into the kitchen I went.
I went home last night and seriously tried to "lighten up" a bit, and approach the evening with less doom and gloom than I have lately--because, as I've said, I do love him, and I believe in our marriage. There were a couple of minutes there when I thought I would explode (like when he said he didn't go to see about an interview at this overpriced brunch place that's hiring) but I kept my cool--I was matter of fact that we only have $16.00 but didn't dwell on it, and we had beans and franks casserole for dinner...I haven't had that since I was little, and it's still good!
A bit of history...my husband went to college for journalism, but quit about 8 mos. shy of his degree--just didn't like school..enter serving. He's great at it, but it's SUCH a crutch. Like Kathy's husband, I think the fear of doing something new after so long is definitely curbing his enthusiasm, and after this summer, I doubt he'll ever look for anything new (or permanent) which is really troublesome for me--I really don't want to be wealthy and have no designs on upper lower middle class :)..I just want to pay our bills, and have a little extra for "life" matters like emergency savings or stupid contact lenses.
I can't remember which person wrote that he's happy with his job, and I think that's true. He's certainly happy with the environment, and doesn't see the lack of monetary compensation as a detriment, because I'll always be the main breadwinner.
A girlfriend is also ADD and she told me about a support group a few months back--almost like Alanon (sp?). It sounds like a good idea, especially now. I do want a solution, though. I like commiserating like anyone, but only for a little while. It may just be me going, though. He's a great deflecter of responsibility (while I don't like to blame everything on ADHD, I know that this is a common relation to this), and he suppresses issues only to have them rear their ugly head in a variety of passive agressive ways....don't think I haven't already thought that this might be one of them! I am going over the the above mentioned friend's house tonight for dinner (and toilet paper!) and though she's his worst critic (because she sees herself in him), she also has great insight.
I should take some money for myself (I feel really awful in these glasses)--but I feel so much DUTY--to our finances, to him, to our pets--if I start thinking of myself, how different am I from him?
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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Bridge
True Blue Farmgirl
814 Posts
Bridgette
Southern
Indiana
USA
814 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 09:46:09 AM
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I was somewhat in the same situation once, still sorta. I will always be the main breadwinner. But we are not married.
These are just some of the things I done to get him to kick it in gear.
---I cut all the extra's no Satellite/cable TV, no phone,no CC. The TV was the catch for him, you'd thought he was going to die with out TV.
---I started selling stuff, when he'd ask I'd say "gotta make ends meet"
---I cut groceries, no money, no junk food, soda or meat. Beans, rice and ramen gets a little old. (I'm a working girl so I'd eat a big lunch & sodas at work)
This worked for me I know it seems a little mean & unfair. But I felt like he was being mean & unfair dumping it all on me.
Yes I had to feel the pain to do with out, but it did get the point across. Plus I don't mind living that way, I've had to before. It's alot easier when you know you really don't HAVE too.
I have often wondered what I would have done if he wouldn't have kicked it in gear.
My best guess is we would have split, I would have just told him that I wasn't living like that forever. That he better move to one of his folks if he needed to be supported.
But in my case it did work, and he now gets nervous if I start selling things on Ebay!! :) He'll say do you or the bills need some extra money?????
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 10:08:35 AM
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Bridge,
I couldn't have said it better. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I don't think it was mean at all but sometimes a person needs a louder wake up call than others. I'm surprised he hasn't blocked ebay from your computer! LOL
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 12:52:07 PM
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Bridge and Doglady--I like the cutting out part, and I don't think it's at all mean. I've done it myself, too after a relationship went south. I actually enjoyed the sparseness of my life at that time. Purging all the extras, including him felt REAL nice!!!!
I just honestly don't know how much we can pare down, really. We have no car payment, share an automobile, no satellite/cable or computer/internet. We don't have cell phones, and our basic telephone is stupid expensive, but I did cut out long distance. Our basic telephone cost is $47.00 a month---just to call out, no caller id or voicemail. Grr. We used to have credit cards, and I got rid of those after I paid them off last Spring. So, that just leaves basic utlities--water/sanitation, gas and electric. Candlelight it is, I guess  . We do keep our thermostat down at 65, and bundle up--natural gas killed me last year.
I haven't been to the grocer in some time. I usually do my shopping at the farmers market, so I was pretty well stocked up on everything (and unfortunately, I have a freezer full of meat) so I'm bleeding the cuboards dry, and coming up with some great dishes. Makes me be creative, let me tell ya! A couple of days ago, he even asked if we could have ramen. I could have just killed him--it's like it's a game or something.
The selling part is a good idea. I have a number of suits and things that I could take to consignment stores, but his clothes came from goodwill (and the 60's), so I'm not sure anyone would pay me for them!!!
I'll think on it some more and see what I can rid us of....Oh. Cd's. Music--it's his life. We have three giant cd book that hold 500 or more. Maybe that's the place to begin.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:26:00 PM
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| Jonni, I want to tell you that you are not alone in this. Look at the other women, just on this board alone, that can relate to this. I too have been in this situation to the point where I threatened divorce. I was working 50plus hours per week as an Asst Mgr of Tractor Supply, working really hard! And my husband was sitting at home. Doing NOTHING. We would fight and fight and it was really bad. I actaully started making calls for him, to find him a job, and it worked out ok, although the job didn't last, at least he tried. My main point was that when we got married, Josh said he didn't want me to HAVE to work unless I wanted to, so I was really confused when the tables turned. I would literally go through the newspaper, dialing numbers, and handing him the phone. He found a job remodeling a nursing home. He enjoyed the work so much that after 4 months there, we started our own painting and remodeling business. Since then I haven't needed to work. I'm not trying to brag on our situation that worked out, because now that we own the business, we still fight over the massive amounts of money that we, yes I sais WE, spend!! Josh said he couldn't work FOR anyone, so now he's the boss. Maybe your husband needs to go out on a limb and try something different. I agree with letting the things get turned off. I never had the electric turned off until Josh and I were engaged, and it scared me to death. Men are supposed to be providers, and I know how it makes you feel like mommy to be provider and asking for money, but you should pray that your husband gets the guidance to find a place in the world where he can provide properly for his family. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:49:33 PM
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Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.
-Romans 13:8
Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have for hae has said " I will never leave you or forsake you"
-Hebrews 13:5
Two are better than one, for if they fall, one will lift up the other
-Ecclesiastes 4:9,10
No other topic has generated more frustration, more gut-wrenchingconversations, or more confusion in our marriage than finances. 'Katie' and I did not get very far into our marriage before we came face to face with financial pressure.
Finances continue to be a challenge for us. We both attended graduate school after we married, and now we face the reality of repaying our loans as well as trying to pay for a house, a car and our children's needs. What's more, it seems that when one of us is intent on saving, the other yearns to spend money and vice versa, We hem eachother in, creating a balance that sometimes works and sometimes leaves us in tension with eachother.
Though we'vecome to no magic formulas, we have learned that working seperately only keeps us stuck. When we work together, we're reminded that two really are better than one, "for if they fall, one will lift the other up." In the ebb and flow of dealing with the financial responsibilities, we've found this to be true. The two of us are stronger than either of us is on our own.
-Excerpt from 365 Meditations For Couples.
I hope the religious standpoint hasn't offended anyone, if it has, I offer my apology in advance.
Sincerely,
Cristine |
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lamamama
True Blue Farmgirl
255 Posts
Melanie
CA
USA
255 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:54:26 PM
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Hi, Jonni
I don't have much to add, you've gotten some excellent advice & ideas. From my past experience, I would just cast my vote for immediate counseling. Although I don't live in Ky now, I know Northern Ky. well, & there are loads of places to connect you with free or sliding scale services. Family Services organizations are all over Northern Ky. for instance. Just get going on it - for both your sake & your husbands. Many prayers for you...........
Melanie |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 2:27:04 PM
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If you say it's like a game to him, is it possible he is doing this on purpose to drive you away?
I know that sounds mean, but some people just can't tell the truth. |
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Family Matters: Feeling bad, money issues in marriage |
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Feeling bad, money issues in marriage
