| Author |
Family Matters:  Melting Pot Frozen  |
|
|
LaLa
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Laura
Hickory
North Carolina
USA
233 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 19 2014 : 8:06:26 PM
|
Every family has a "melting pot". It's dug out anytime there is a birth or marriage in the family. You add the new folks to the pot... haha.
Except -- ours didn't quite melt properly. It froze over. Maybe it even shattered, I don't know. But I'm frustrated by it on a pretty much daily basis.
DH and I met in college. Neither of us finished, but we left the school about a semester apart. That was in late 2007 / early 2008. DH signed up for the Navy in April of '08. He got back in touch with me late that month. I think I was the last person who had really taken the time to just let him pour his thoughts and feelings out without judgement -- and so he reached out and got back in contact. We hadn't seen each other since '07.
We started dating, and he let his dad and step-mom know about me. I was already in a little debt (from school loans), and so his step-mom said to stay away from me. He felt it was none of her business who he dated, and kept on. We got 3 dates total before he left for boot camp. He proposed via letter while in boot. (I LOVE that he proposed in writing!)
After boot, we were trying to figure out when we should get married. I don't believe in lengthy engagements, and DH didn't want to be alone when he got to his station. I'm not calling either of those reasons to rush things or jump into marriage. But we were positive of what we wanted for what we believed to be all the right reasons aside from those mentioned.
DH told his dad we were engaged. FIL's reply was a forceful, "Well, I HOPE YOU PLAN TO WAIT 3-4 YEARS!" DH was in shock. I think he expected a congratulatory my-boy's-a-man-now speech. He freaked out. I told him not to worry, that I would wait as long as it took him to talk to his family if that is what he needed. He said no, and that we were getting married asap, unless I had other plans.
I didn't... and in my own life and home, things were too messed up for me to stay, but without someone bolstering me financially and otherwise, I couldn't leave. Again, wrong reason to get married, though our hearts and love for each other were in the right place. We set the date ourselves and half-eloped -- my family knew.
I expected DH to tell his family within 2 weeks. I had told him as much. But after we got married, he realized how much his keeping it from them would hurt them. DH is very tenderhearted. He cannot knowingly hurt anyone and avoids conflict. He waited a year. During that year, I spent each month badgering him about it, asking questions, trying to be supportive -- as was my wifely duty.
Well now... it's 5 and a half years later. My in-laws don't really like or respect me. They certainly don't respect DH. Last year, we tried to arrange a cookout, which we would have paid for and cooked ourselves -- the cookout was to be for our two sets of parents. His said that they "weren't ready to meet the in-laws yet".
FIL really talks down to DH. And DH has yet to stand up to him. My parents do the same to me -- and I just don't really know how to stand up to people who feel that every disagreement with them is a sign of dishonor or disrespect of them.
How can we politely and agreeably (at least on our end) stand up to not-so-reasonable parents? We understand that in many ways, we are largely at fault. But... we haven't even met our nephew and I've yet to meet my niece because we are scared to even contact other family members that are not our parents, even just to talk. This is no way to live...
http://lalauland.tumblr.com
http://lalauland.etsy.com
Follow me on Twitter: @lalauland
DH and I share a blog: http://wesubtleties.tumblr.com
Follow on Twitter: @wesubtleties |
Edited by - LaLa on Jun 19 2014 8:06:44 PM |
|
|
rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2014 : 04:28:11 AM
|
At a certain point you will have to declare that your relationship with one another has to be the most important relationship. Time to move on and enjoy your life. Turn to one another for your needs. Parents have a tough time relinquishing the "most important relationship" title to a spouse sometimes so maybe you will have to demand it.
good luck,
marianne |
 |
|
|
hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2014 : 05:52:53 AM
|
Oh Laura! How I empathize to a degree! May I please encourage you to hold strong to one another and make that your most important priority! And you may want to rethink reaching out to other family members, as long as they have given no indication that they do not want contact!
When my hubby and I first met, I had just moved in with a close friend at college and another one of her friends named Julie. Julie was dating my now hubby.... They dated for a year that us three girls were living together. During that time, my now hubby and I got really close... I enjoy fishing, shooting, and the like, and was taken in to the circle of guys that consisted primarily of other AF guys that he worked with. Anyways, after now hubby and Julie broke up, I still hung out with the guys. Now hubby and I started dating five weeks later. Within another five weeks, we were engaged. Honestly, my parents were thrilled. They had met him when he was dating Julie and got along well.... Though my dad harassed us about him not being marine, as my father and brother both were/are (once a Marine, always a Marine).
His family was a totally different story. I did not meet them until we were already engaged, and they were not happy! Long story short, we waited almost a year to get married, with just a few friends and some of my family. His parents refused to recognize the marriage and whenever we visited, we were told to take off our rings :/ A large part of the issue was we did not get the Catholic blessing (his dad is an adamant Catholic). We had a large ceremony in October, six months later, where a priest was going to do part of the ceremony, but instead was deployed. Thankfully, his family acknowledges that we are married, now, but uses our October rather than April date. Well, all except one of his sisters..... She refused to come, and refused to talk with me!
Less than a year after the second wedding, our first child was born. That started things up all over again. I refused (and still do) to bring our children up Carholic, as does hubby.... But it was my initial decision.... so his family was livid! A total of six children later, his family has finally adjusted to us being married for the most part. Both of his sisters now talk with me. Don't get me wrong.... I still do not call any of them or talk with any of them when they call here, but when we visit, all is well.
As for my parents getting along with his parents... Not at all! There has only been one time they were all together, other than our second wedding, and that was for my first child's first birthday, which was also a movie g party, as only a few days later we moved eight to ten hours away.
All of this to say, hold on to the love you and your hubby have, making it the first priority, and God will work the rest out in His timing :) I know it is not easy, and at times I am still heartbroken with where the relationships are, but my hubby and children are my first priority! Hth.
~ Shannon
http://hudson-everydayblessings.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3930 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3930 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2014 : 07:10:15 AM
|
I have a phrase I use when people seem unreasonable in their judgments. That phrase is "I'm sorry you feel that way." It is the truth and it invites them to think about their perceptions in another way. I agree, hold on to each other and do not worry about the problems others have with your relationship. I also agree that you can and should reach out to others in your family. Lowell and I are not married. His father has taken a large dislike to me and has possibly never liked me. Other members of his family think I am adorable. I don't know why and I don't care why his father doesn't like me. That is his problem not mine. Once a person comes to this realization, everything becomes so much easier to bear.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
|
|
|
LaLa
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Laura
Hickory
North Carolina
USA
233 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2014 : 11:32:39 PM
|
Thank you all so very much for the kind words -- especially the reminders that we're not the only ones. I think it's becoming more and more common for things like this to happen, and it really upsets me.
I remember hearing my husband speak so fondly of time spent with his dad. But now... well, let's just say that back when we were in Norfolk, DH and I were about to be evicted. We were in a real pickle which we had done nothing to cause or create (for once). It was a situation where our BAH (aka rent payment for non-military) had never hit our bank, neither was it paid to our new apartment complex. We spoke with DFAS (they are in charge of paying out the BAH), DH's command, our ombudsman... nothing doing. Apparently, everyone thought we'd found 'extra money' (the BAH) in our account and gone on a huge shopping spree... We had purchased some furniture for our new apartment, but BAH was not signed over as payment for it.
Well, upon hearing the news that we were in a serious bind, FIL chose this opportunity to teach DH not to handle his money so badly. He yelled at DH over the phone that when DH ended up in jail over his debt, he certainly wasn't going to bail him out. We were shell-shocked. He hadn't even given DH a chance to explain. DH came home that day and rather than "Hello" he simply announced, "Yeah, so when I get out of the NAVY, we're researching legally changing our last name!!!" I asked why, he told me what FIL had said to him and tacked on that he (meaning DH) wants to do a sort of backwards disownment of FIL and have nothing more to do with him ever. I gently reminded that FIL was still his dad no matter what -- 2 years later... I'm trying to decide if reminding him was really the right thing to do...
http://lalauland.tumblr.com
http://lalauland.etsy.com
Follow me on Twitter: @lalauland
DH and I share a blog: http://wesubtleties.tumblr.com
Follow on Twitter: @wesubtleties |
|
|
|
churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3930 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3930 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2014 : 08:10:23 AM
|
Of course it was the right thing to do. A person can personally disown their parents but they are still a part of a person's life. FIL will always be DH's father no matter what. Be careful not to treat FIL in the same way that he has treated you. Both of you are better than that.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
|
|
|
LaLa
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Laura
Hickory
North Carolina
USA
233 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2014 : 7:11:37 PM
|
I agree - we are better than that. Yet, it is still something we often find ourselves fighting. This mad urge to just let him have it and then some.
I wish there were easy answers for this. But then it wouldn't be life, and there would be nothing gained in the learning.
http://lalauland.tumblr.com
http://lalauland.etsy.com
Follow me on Twitter: @lalauland
DH and I share a blog: http://wesubtleties.tumblr.com
Follow on Twitter: @wesubtleties |
|
|
|
Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 3:01:37 PM
|
| Is it possible to swallow a little pride -- never self-worth! Just pride -- and say to the parents, "You know, we were awfully young and we made a choice that we know hurt you and we're grown up enough now to say we're sorry. How can we be a family again?" If they don't melt over an approach like that, I'd say (cover your ears if you are easily shocked), "Well, when you guys grow up, you know where to find us, and maybe someday, your grandchildren. Buh-bye." |
Edited by - Rosemary on Jul 13 2014 3:02:17 PM |
|
|
|
LaLa
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Laura
Hickory
North Carolina
USA
233 Posts |
|
|
Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 5:49:58 PM
|
| My pleasure. |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: Melting Pot Frozen |
|
|
|
Melting Pot Frozen
