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Family Matters:  What to do with a reluctant hubby?  |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 03 2006 : 9:26:33 PM
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I couldn't think what to call this topic, so here it is. You farmgirls always have such wonderful thoughts and advice, I'm really hoping for some thoughts here. My problem isn't that big in the scheme of things, but it is worrying away at me.
We moved two years ago to the other side of Australia for hubby's work. He had always worked for himself, but a job opportunity came up that he really wanted to try. We have two daughters, now 10 and 8, and a little boy, 2. Hubby and I have been together for nearly 20 years (highschool sweethearts!) and all that time, we have been planning the house we would build on our farm - you all know the dream. Going away for weekends to look at land, planning the finances, etc. When we moved here, I thought this might be the chance to buy the farm, as he always said finances weren't right and now he was going to a job earning twice what we were on before. BUT since we have been here, he seems to be changing. He is enjoying the office lifestyle and the having more money, etc. We used to talk about collecting old windows and stuff to build our house - the other day, I saw an old dresser and he said 'too old, too much work - we can just buy things now.' Which is exactly the thinking I'm trying to get my children away from - that everything is about what you can buy. He hardly works in the garden anymore, complains about chopping wood. When I talk about environmental problems, etc, he looks at me as though I'm mad - he has even said that we shouldn't worry as technology will come up with a solution. The problem being, of course, that I love him desperately (but is he the same guy I married?) and certainly don't want to split up our family. But my girls and I want to go back home to be near the family and have our farm and he doesn't.
I guess the real crux of the problem is do I give up my dream and live with what I have, which I have so much to be thankful for, but not be completely happy. Do I wait for him, thinking that eventually he will get over the whole money thing and see that it isn't the most important thing. The girls and I miss the family so much, and have been waiting for our dream farm for SO long.
I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I really want the responsibility of making the decision myself. Does that make sense? There is a lot to be said for maintaining the status quo, but what will be best in the long run? I'm 36 now, been wanting my farm all my life - do I want to get to 45 or 50 and still be waiting?
Oh, I just don't know, but I will stop raving now - at least this raving has got it out of my system for a while! Thanks, farmgirls!
Best wishes,
Jayne
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 04:48:09 AM
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I don't know about Australian guys, but to many American guys, they really get a lot of self esteem out of being able to provide well for their families. If he saw old dressers and sweat equity as second best, then being able to buy new makes him feel like he's stepped up and is now providing first best for his family.
We started out at our place here when I was twenty-eight years old. We gardened heavily and made our own stuff a lot of the time. During those years, his IS career really took off, and now he's making about six times the salary he did when we bought our place. This means we can afford all sorts of things that we didn't used to be able to afford. For one thing, he doesn't want to tune up the lawnmower himself anymore; so twice a year a truck with a trailer comes and hauls it to their shop about thirty miles away and tunes it up, and either puts on the snow blower and removes the mowing deck, or vice versa. It costs a little over $400 each time, and to me that's stupid; but to him it's money well spent. We're not going to go hungry or fall behind on our bills. He can do things like he wants, too.
I guess what this means is a bit of a change in your expectations of country life. I choose to have a small organic garden just because I enjoy gardening. I can buy anything in it a whole lot easier, but this is an activity that makes me feel fulfilled. So I do it. We put up and repaired our own fencing for years and years, and one year we decided to have it all taken out and done professionally. It was a pretty penny too, but we could afford it and hubby could turn his energies to the things that made him feel most productive; and it wasn't fence. There are guys that do a bang-up job on fence, while our results are just passable. His talents are in designing databases. So he does that, and comes home and feels the peace of country life. He watches the horses from the deck on nice summer evenings with me, or we go for a drive in the pony cart. Last year, he never so much as picked a tomato from the garden; I did EVERYTHING. But that's okay; if I didn't like it or it was too much work, I could till it all under and plant grass.
He does come out and help with some of the horse chores; I think after a day of doing so much mental stuff, it helps him to unwind to do a bit of physical stuff. And there's a regularity to it. He's not a horseman, but he enjoys the horses through me. He will do small repairs that can't wait for a guy to come out, does the electrical wiring, and anything else he enjoys.
Because that's what it's all about, isn't it? Enjoying the work you do?
Try and look at things through his eyes, and see if you can adapt your country dream a bit. Change the hardscrabble part to something a bit less labor intensive. And while I would also miss my family, I wouldn't ask him to give up his job and ask him to take one that pays dramatically less. That can really rock the boat for a lot of men, and for me, my first allegiance is to my husband. |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 09:13:39 AM
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I have the same problem. My husband grew up helping his grandparents and uncle at the farmer's market - they were POOR. He tells the story of the three brothers eating at grandma's table with grandpa and uncle john - six people, and grandma cooked one steak and cut it into six pieces!
So anyway, he grew up wanting something better and is now a managing mechanical/facilities engineer, certified energy manager, hazardous materials manager, etc. for a major corporation.. He has about six or seven certifications and a very responsible job. His idea of relaxation on the farm is driving Grandpa's tractor around in circles, whether or not it has any implements behind it. He likes to get it stuck in the mud and then use the other tractor to pull it out. Sometimes he breaks it and has to fix it, that's really fun to him! His other hobby is fixing heavy equipment for our neighbor the electrical contractor, he has probably saved him tens of thousands of dollars in labor costs for repairs.
Last year I convinced him to plant alfalfa, clover and timothy in one of the fields (at Grandpa's farm) that is really weedy. The soil is poor, very sandy, and I hope the legumes will improve the soil. I wouldn't let him use RoundUp on the field first, (because I'm so environmentally sensitive), so our crop was very poor. Most of the field still has weeds and you can barely find an alfalfa plant anywhere in it, although the clover is marginally ok. He keeps talking about how it was a waste of money to spend $300 for seed, plus the gas to plant and till, and how you can't make any money farming. He jokingly says I have to keep my day job to buy batteries for all his toys - the old tractors, and the four wheelers, and the jet skis, not to mention the cars. The real story is I need to keep my day job to buy toys for myself - knitting machines, embroidery machines, software, radios, etc....not to mention helping out my two grown daughters and gifts for the grandkids from time to time.
If we were full-time farmers we would not enjoy the lifestyle we currently have, I am afraid.
He does allow me to garden as much as I want as long as I buy the seeds and keep it looking halfway presentable. He even helps me till in the spring and puts leaf mulch on it in the fall. But don't ask him to help plant or harvest, (and he won't eat zucchini or Swiss chard...) I'd like to have a greenhouse but he doesn't want it on our suburban lot, and our farm is too far away to actually use.
The point is that you can't "make" him into something he is not. I agree with your husband that it is probably a more profitable use of his time to be out in the industrial/commercial marketplace than in agriculture/agribusiness. Why do you think so many of my generation left the farm in the first place? It is killer hard work, extemely risky, and not enough income to support our modern lifestyle.
I grew up on a farm and my dad raised corn,soybeans, oats, wheat, steers - I found out when I filled out the college financial aid forms that Dad was losing money on the farm EVERY YEAR. He had hidden that from us as kids. My dad also worked a full time factory job to support us, and farmed full time too. We would not have survived on the income from the farm.
I am 50 now. I have this 'ideal' farm in my head but the reality is that I will probably never have it. By the time I can retire with benefits I will be too old and not physically able to farm. I am looking right now to buy (or lease?) some property near here to put my greenhouse on. Maybe I will look for an old farmhouse on a few acres and rent out the house.
Then I can use intensive farming techniques to squeeze the labor requirements to what I am able to input. It probably won't be profitable either but I can keep pretending I am a farmer! and my day job will support the farm.
Even my CSA lady has a day job. She is a college professor, and her husband works for county government. They farm but they certainly don't support themselves through that activity! People who write romantic books about farming and farm living get money from publishing, they don't live on the income from the farm! Louis Bromfield, a local farmer who donated his farms after his death to the state to make into a state park, (I highly recommend his books on farming) was a Hollywood screenwriter, and his farm almost ruined him in his later years. He had to keep writing books and screenplays to keep rescuing the farm from bankruptcy.
I guess the point is that if farming is your dream, then it is up to you to go after it. Ideally your husband would support you by allowing you to pursue it, if you can do it without risking the family's economic basis, or taking too much time away from your kids. Do it in a limited way if necessary, if your husband isn't willing to provide input, do what you can do on your own. You can't force him to be a farmhand. You could always hire labor if you find a profitable farm business with a ready market.
Mary Ann put her finger on the right word - hardscrabble. That is so descriptive!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 09:53:10 AM
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Correct me if I am wrong Jayne, but I get the feeling that your dreams of having a farm are not for the profit making potential (although that's certainly a plus), but for the lifestyle and feeling of self-sufficiency.
Speaking from my own experience, I dreamed of my own little farm for 25 years and finally was able to afford this place we are in now at the age of 43. I never gave up my dream. This lifestyle choice was a part of my very soul and who I was. I never felt I fit in in the city life and certainly not in the corporate world...for ME it was so very unfulfilling, bordering on depressing. I didn't fit in in our city neighborhood either...I did keep the front yard looking presentable, but my backyard was entirely garden and in one little corner I built a small chicken coop with attached greenhouse and got me six laying hens!! I just HAD to do it! haha
So here's where many may not agree with me. Your dreams are YOUR dreams and YOUR life and what you want to do with it (second only to the welfare of your children). We only get one go at this adventure called life, and once it's too late, it's too late. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband and don't quit talking until you both come up with an solution. He needs to understand what a big part of you this dream is and it's not like it should come as any big surprise, you've shared and talked about this together for a long time. Let him know the options you are considering so that he knows just how serious you are. There has to be a compromise and one that you both happy with, lest feelings of bitterness begin to arise.
Diane
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 11:24:49 AM
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Oh, geez, Diane makes such a good point. I read over my post again and maybe I emphasized some of the wrong things, I sure didn't mean that you should abandon your dreams! Just that there are a lot of ag-related things that you yourself can do ( as Mary Jane says, we're all farmgirls at heart!) without actually living on acreage, and if the dream is more yours than your husbands try to emphasize what you can do to accomplish them, more than what he has to do.
Hopefully that makes sense.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 3:19:10 PM
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Do you have to work Jayne? Honestly, if I were you, which I am very close financially that we could just buy things, if you have a little bit of your own money, and can still do the gardening and things around your farm, why not? You don't have to let your husband make all these decisions. Of course they are nice and easy and when done professionally probably last longer and look better, but nothing can ever quite give you that feeling of satisfaction when sit on your porch and look at that half mile of fence that you poured your sweat into, and got so sunburt while putting it up. If your looking for satisfaction from these things that money CANT buy, you can find them, but you just might have to find them alone. Would it be possible to build a little cottage on a smaller farm, and why don't you do up the inside the way you want it. Could you afford to be where you are now, and have a little rural hide-away? If you built it in the next few years, and got it just the way you like it, when retirement comes around, it could be a wonderful getaway for the two of you. Could you give your current home to a child when they get married? Can you figure out a way for you both to be happy? I have only been married for 2.5 years, so I'm just brainstorming.
Cristine
P.S. I've never seen a Brinks truck
following a hearse. You can't take $$
with you when you're gone.
Love is to the heart what summer is to the farmer's year. It brings to harvest all the lovliest flowers of the soul. --Billy Graham |
Edited by - MsCwick on Nov 04 2006 3:26:29 PM |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 08:17:19 AM
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Perhaps this has alredy been posted but have you refered to the Speaking Blessings topic?
Sometimes our husbands need to know that we support them right where we are.........which isn't always easy BELEIVE me I know......... before they can move on to new things.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 7:21:00 PM
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Thanks so much for the answers, girls.
I did read the Speaking Blessings post and I do that every day (or try to) even when things are getting me down. Did my post sound a bit 'whiny'? I'm certainly not trying to push my ideas down his throat, just hoping that we can strike a happy medium. I would love to have a small property that was our home, that I could work on and he could go to his job, if that is what he would wish.
We did have a talk yesterday and he understands how much I miss everyone, and how important my dream is, and he has agreed that we could try to move back home in the next year, if he could find a job. I don't want him to give up his work if he doesn't want to, as you are right, it is now very important to his self-esteem. So hopefully, we will find a compromise to fit - thanks for all your kind words, famrgirls!
Best wishes,
Jayne |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 7:57:58 PM
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Thanks Brenda - I think just compromise is the best option for us. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Best wishes,
Jayne |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2006 : 07:06:34 AM
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Jayne,
A compromise is always a good way to start. My hubby was reluctant too, but when it came time to buy a house he let me choose...I choose a ran down repo with 4 acres. Then the kids and I started "farming" we got chickens and ducks, planted a garden, fixed fences, and got goats. At first it was just the kids and I. I never pushed him to join in (or asked for his help) , but did make a point to let him know how much fun we were having and bragged on the good food that we were putting on the table. Now he is sold. He still wont milk (the girls kick the bucket over every time he trys), but he will feed and water the animals if I am otherwise occupied, help with butchering, water the garden, and tell the whole world what a *good* farmer I am (hahaha). Let him see how much fun you and the children have with what ever farming you manage to do and make sure you thank him for allowing you to live your dream. Even if he doesn't share it, having a man who lets you follow your heart is a blessing.
Trina
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Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2006 : 7:01:22 PM
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Trina,
That sounds fantastic - that is really all I am looking for, an opportunity for the kids and I to have a bit of our dream farm. That is exactly what I was thinking - if we just go along and do it and he can join in with whatever he wishes to. Your place sounds great - thanks for telling me about it.
Best wishes,
Jayne |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2006 : 4:43:22 PM
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I can soooo relate to this thread. I too have a dream of a farm, just a small one, but one that gives us room to breath and just look over the beauty of God's creation. I have found a fixer-upper, as I mentioned a while back in a thread in "a farm of my own". In my mind it is perfect for us, but for DH he just sees work, work and more work. So I have compromised with him. We are waiting until January to see if the house is still on the market. In the meantime, I am doing all I can to get ours "seller ready". If it is still on the market by then, DH has agreed we will make a "low ball" offer (it needs a lot of work, plus given the long time it has been on the market, we feel a low offer is what's needed.) This is hard for me, as I have been looking at this place since August, but patience is important. It gives DH time to adjust to the idea, gives us time to fix up our present house and time to get finances in better order, which would help in having money to fix up the new (old!) house. But if it doesn't work out, I have to be okay with the fact that for whatever reason maybe now isn't the time for this dream. It isn't the right season. And that could be true for you. You said "do I want to get to 45 or 50 and still be waiting?" I have been waiting since my 20s and I am 43. I still believe in the dream, but the timing is something that has to be right with God and my husband. Trust me, when you hit 45, you won't feel any older than 36, it is just that the mirrors become less complimentary! LOL! I still feel like the same wide-eyed kid with big dreams, but now I am realizing I have to slowdown and let God shape those dreams. Best of luck! Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2006 : 11:25:52 PM
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Brenda,
Thanks for your kind thoughts - we have pretty much reached the compromise that you are at now. Hubby has said he would like to stay in his job until July next year and in that time, we will work on this house to get it looking spick and span for sale. Then we will look around at buying land back home. We are going over for Christmas so may make a trip to look then as well. So we are both playing the waiting game!! In the meantime, here I have a vegie garden and my chooks - we had fresh potatoes with dill, and spinach frittata for dinner (pretty much all from the garden). So as Trina said, I'll just do my small farming thing and show him how good it tastes and slowly let him be converted. Sounds like there are a few of us farmgirls doing it this way!!! Slowly, slowly the dream will come!! You and Trina have shown me that I needn't despair and give up in frustration - patience is the key. So thank you so much and best of luck, Brenda - I am sending so many good wishes your way that soon you will have that dream farm!!
Jayne |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 06:42:17 AM
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Remember, 40 or 50 isn't dead! My grandmother lived through the depression in her twenties, had 4 kids, and managed to save enough money to buy her farm at age 42. Grandma and Grandpa lived in town, She bought 80 acres 3 miles away, my dad bought the other half of the 'section' at the same time and built a house to live there (which is where i was raised).
Grandma let my dad farm the fields, but she had a HUGE garden at the farm. She "let" us kids help her with it, much of my knowledge of weeds and gardening comes directly from her. She came out to the farm every day. Good thing because my mom ended up being hospitalized for a long time before she passed away at 34. Grandma certainly helped to raise us! One of my cherished memories is seeing her out in her flowered slacks/top with her big straw hat, hoeing away, while Grandpa sat in the little blue Ford station wagon and listened to the baseball game on the radio.
She kept gardening until she was well into her late 70's. She gave that up and only maintained her big flower garden in town until she was well into her 80's. She's in a nursing home now, 96 years old, and remarkably healthy for her age.
Our neighbor at our place in Michigan was a Christmas tree farmer, and also raised dahlias for sale. He was close to 90 and still farming before he passed. I remember looking out the window and seeing him riding his lawn tractor from the house out to the dahlia field (he was too frail to walk that far) and then watching him hoe dahlias for several hours every morning.
So even if you don't get the farm till you're 40, you may still have 50 years left to farm it!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 8:02:35 PM
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Brenda,
Your grandma sounds like an incredible woman - so many wonderful farmgirl memories for you from her. What an inspiration!
Thanks for your posts - reading them is keeping my inspiration going - we can do it, girl!!! Even if we have to wait a little while longer!
Best wishes and keep on dreaming,
Jayne |
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Family Matters: What to do with a reluctant hubby? |
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What to do with a reluctant hubby?
