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Family Matters:  Adult children  |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 04:10:36 AM
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My 20-year old daughter decided NOT to go to college and is working for a slightly-above minimum wage job.
She has been on her own for a couple of years and it is so hard to see her struggling to make ends meet.
I do help her some, and would help more, but my husband says if we make it too easy for her she won't be motivated to get a better job, which is probably true, given her personality.
We just helped her move from one apartment to another and there are so many things she needs like window curtains, blinds, a new bed, and on and on. I could easily buy or make all these things for her but then she won't have earned them herself.
How can I help her without taking over? Anybody else have this experience?
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 05:38:05 AM
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I've not had this problem but I do have a suggestion. You could search for some thrift stores and stuff and point out where she may get some of this stuf second hand. Not that there is anything wrong with second hand but it may motivate her to do better if she realizes that that is all she can afford. You may also want to go to a department store and "window shop" with her making a list of all the things she really WANTS and write down prices. Make a budget and figure out she would need to work X amount of hours to afford what she WANTS. MAybe you could tel her she could pick out 1 thing and you will get it for her for christmas but I would wait until christmas to give it to her but you have to limit it to 1 item.
I went to college but when I moved out this is what my parents did for me. I have learned to be really frugle with my money and I have learned what is really important too.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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ThymeForEweFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
705 Posts
Robin
An organic farm in the forest in
Maine
USA
705 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 08:35:22 AM
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I have a 22 year old daughter who hated college. It just isn't for everyone. There are many times I'd like to point things out to her but really, it's none of my business. She's an adult. I lived my life the way I wanted to at her age. I'm sure my mother spent a lot of time repeating my mantra - she's an adult. As long as she's supporting herself and being responsible what my daughter does is entirely up to her. She rents a five bedroom house in a beautiful place with two girlfriends. She's happy and independent.
There are much worse things than not having curtains. They aren't a necessity. Neither is a bed. I sometimes had to remind myself that we are very spoiled people. Think of the nations full of people who are consider themselves rich to have a mat on the floor to sleep. It could be much much much worse. If she's happy - great! If she's not, it's motivation to make changes. If she wants something badly enough she will make it happen.
Not exactly a ray of sunshine, am I? Been there, done that, but gees, nobody gave me a tshirt! Welcome to being a mother of an adult child. ((hugs)) We'll survive and so will they. No matter how much we thinking otherwise......
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 08:39:50 AM
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I have three grown girls and found they were far more motivated by lack of job satisfaction than they were by what they did and didn't have, although that certainly played a role as well. My oldest worked as a receptionist for an oil delivery company, made fairly good wages, but hated it and could see it going nowhere. She, at 24, went back to school and became a lab tech. Now she loves her job and was able to buy a car and things she wants. Same with my middle daughter, also at 24, who played around with various jobs including bartending, waitressing as second jobs to working in a big-chain grocery store making well over minimum wage. Lots of hours and going nowhere. She saved and took the necessary courses to get the prerequisites to apply to the ambulance service and is now a paramedic and has the time to also be a volunteer firefighter which she loves. My youngest worked in retail and hated it, moved on to Costco where she now makes more than her sisters (that goes over well!). She has the money saved to go back to school, but little motivation when she makes excellent wages, loves her job and there's plenty of room for advancement.
And we did help them along the way. We bought new beds when they were sleeping on lumpy futons. They were extremely greatful and we got huge hugs of appreciation.
Your daughter is just 20 Brenda and I'd give her a couple more years out of school to get the reality kick that mine did. Some get it sooner than others, but mine took awhile to realize that if they wanted more out of life THEY had to make the changes. With a caring Mom like you, she'll be just fine, just give her time. And while I certainly wouldn't go out and furnish her apartment, I'd probably buy her a new bed so that she can realize that it IS nicer to have better quality things and she does DESERVE to have better...she just has to be the one to make it so.
Diane |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 09:18:41 AM
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Robin, I love the way you word things! you hit the nail on the head every time. Im sitting here trying to answer this w/ some kind of diplomacy & there just isn't any!! It is so hard because you want to keep telling them everything but you can't. People did help me along the way not by giving me anything, but by showing me. Let her make her mistakes & choices, you'll still bve there to catch her. I always think of the Dixie Chicks (YES, I love the dixie chicks)and Wide Open Spaces (their 1st hit) when this subject comes up, it is every womans story in one degree or another. We all need a little room to make mistakes.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 5:46:18 PM
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Oh, thanks girls, you know just what to say. So good to know I'm not the only one. It is so hard to know how to help by not helping too much, and I feel guilty holding back!
My daughter called me at work today, she found some mini-blinds at Value City for $2.99 each. So that is covered (pardon the bad pun...)
I went shopping after work and got her a "care package" of food stuff at Gordon's - dishwasher detergent, frozen chicken and broccoli, meat cheese bread carrots celery cucumbers milk graham crackers and hot chocolate and took it to her apartment. I know she is going to be short after having to pay deposit and 1st month's rent, so don't want her or her son going hungry... I feel like I have done something to help.
(The blinds are too short for the window and I hate the dark blue color, but I didn't say anything, I am SO proud of myself...)
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 6:32:54 PM
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When I moved out on my own, once again at age 21 or 22, I moved with next to nothing but my clothes, a bean bag chair, and a few dishes. I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor, or maybe it was just blankets on the floor, can't remember for sure.
One day I came home from job hunting, and found an old metal bedstead (vintage even back in the 70's) and an old mattress propped up in the carport. I made some inquiry calls, and found that my DAD had gone to goodwill and found those and then drove 1.5 hours to deliver them to me. I am still touched by this fatherly love gesture yet even today, God rest his loving soul.
The mattress is long gone, but I still have the bedstead. Can't bear to part with it. It represents so much.
There is a delicate balance between a helping hand up and enabling dependency. That is the loving parent's tightrope test.
Humor is the prelude to faith and Laughter is the beginning of prayer. -- Reinhold Niebuhr
http://farmstyle.blogspot.com
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Beemoosie
True Blue Farmgirl
2077 Posts
Bonnie
New York
USA
2077 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2006 : 05:34:07 AM
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Hi Brenda
I think about 16 or 17 years ago I was a much more extreme case than your daughter. I quit college, moved out ect ect...I am sure there were many times that my behavior crushed my parents and all they could do was pray. I put myself through some pretty hard times. They were always there for me, but they never babied me. At 22 I was widowed with 2 babies of my own. They let me move back in, but MY resposibilities were MY responsibilities. Your daughter sounds nowhere near as extreme as I was, but my point is is that my parents did let me figure stuff out on my own and as hard as it was for them, make the mistakes. I don't think I would have ever grown up otherwise. Now I am 34, married, my children are happy and healthy, and my parents are two of my best friends- Glory to God.
And for what it's worth...you sound like a great mama!
Bonnie
...she is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
Prov 31:10 |
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dargaonfly1054
True Blue Farmgirl
257 Posts
Georgette
Nicholville
NY
USA
257 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2006 : 07:22:14 AM
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Hey yall, I've been busy for a while, but just got back on today and read this thread with interest. I have a 25 year old son who just does not want to move out. But my real complaint is my sister...... she has a 38 year old daughter who about 4 years ago, left her husband and moved back to the north country with her three sons (13, 12 and 10) She absolutely refuses to get a job and pretty much depends on the child support (which is infrequent) to live on. A few times she has asked her father for some money to bail her out of tight spots. My sister is always haranging her, telling her she MUST get a job, she MUST do this, she MUST do that.....and the daughter/my niece gets fed up and yells at her mother......then my sister tells her that she OWES her respect and love and an appology. I know I have to but out, but I also grew up with my sister and she has affected me and I know what she is like and I just feel so bad for my niece that her mother just doesn't love her uncondtionally. Guess I just wanted to vent, my sister I know has some problems but God I wish she would just ease up. Don't give her money, but listen to her complain and whine occasionally and just be loveing. Makes me very sad.
Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2006 : 6:23:55 PM
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Thanks for posting that Georgette, I know how your sister feels, because I sometimes want to do exactly the same to my daughter, it is so easy to see where she is making mistakes (because I made most of them myself when I was her age) and I hate to see her have to learn things the hard way. The answers are so easy when you have lived through the hard times and the good times - you know what you have to do to get ahead and you want to spare your child some of that pain.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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dargaonfly1054
True Blue Farmgirl
257 Posts
Georgette
Nicholville
NY
USA
257 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2006 : 06:53:27 AM
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Hi Brenda..........but don't you feel that our children have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes? Even when it pretty much kills us to see them doing that? Or at least doing the destructive things... My middle son smokes pot and I hate that, but I can't stop him. I like the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." With my niece, we keep giving her ideas for jobs but if she doesn't want to work, she isn't going to work. And it isn't like she is a horrible person and yes, her mother (my sister) made some pretty whoppers of mistakes so I would think that would make her more .......oh shoot I can't think of the word I want. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with my niece not working but I'm trying to give her the love and support that she isn't getting from her mother.
But I do wish you all the luck in the world, kids aren't easy are they? even when they grow up!!! Know that you will be in my thoughts.
Hugs.....Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
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Family Matters: Adult children |
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Adult children
