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Family Matters:  Over it  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 07:35:56 AM
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Get some coffee, this is going to be long.I haven't been able to post because so much is going on. I am going to lay it on the line and I shoot straight, so if you are easily shocked or blush, don't continue.
SO much has happened over the past 5 years or so, I don¡¦t even know where to begin. Hubby has had 11 surgeries since we have been married (going on 9 years in September) and we have moved 8 times. All of this time, I have supported him, taking care of the homefront while he served in the military. I gave up my military career to take care of Charlie and the home and be here. Well, 1.5 years ago, he was medically discharged from the military (hence the 11 surgeries). Since then, he hasn¡¦t worked. He collects his VA disability and seriously y¡¦all, other than maybe putting a load of dishes in the dishwasher 1x a day, he does nothing else around the house. I have begged, pleaded, emailed, texted, cried, got mad and nothing. I work full time, Charlie is now 7 and very active in baseball and swimming and with the pets, 1700 square foot home and a huge yard, I can¡¦t do it all. I do the shopping, the laundry..all of it. I have tried to go on strike but I cannot live in a dirty, messy, chaotic home. It¡¦s not fair. I have tried to talk to him, asked him to go to counseling, I even told him to get out and go for a weekend and figure out what the hades he wants because I don¡¦t know him anymore. I am just plain tired out. I was diagnosed with arthritis last fall and it¡¦s bad. For being 38, somedays I feel 108 yet every morning, I get up, take some medication and start living, without complaint. I love my son dearly and I will get up and do what I have too. I just don¡¦t need another kid around the house. He doesn¡¦t get it and when I gripe, he gets mad. Seriously, I cannot stress enough he does NOTHING around the house to contribute other than making a mess and when he does do one thing, he expects a medal for it. I bought all the Christmas presents, including my own. I was so sad that I can¡¦t even have a present bought for me. He says I am too picky when he doesn¡¦t even ask me what I want or know me well enough to guess. I had to actually send him links last year y¡¦all. ƒ¼
I am over it. Today, I tried to weed the backyard and lasted about 20 minutes. I can¡¦t pull on the weeds, as I had surgery in January on my wrist for the arthritis issue. The yard is full of dog crap which he is supposed to do. I refuse to much around in it. You know where he is? Sleeping.
I got so mad that in March, when I was feeling better, I loaded up the truck with anything and everything and drove it to Goodwill. I refuse to try to make a nice home only to have it ruined every day. He doesn¡¦t even try to keep it clean or pick up after himself but it¡¦s not fair that my son and I have to live in crap.
I want to pack up my kid, my cat and my few things and just leave. I would sell everything I own just to be happy and at peace and I know it sucks for my little boy but I cannot go on like this. I am done. IF I could sell this house tomorrow, I would. It¡¦s bad when Charlie wonders why his daddy sleeps all the time. Charlie told me the other night he is going to get a job because he wants to take care of me. WAHHHHHHH!!!!! That is a lot of pressure on a 7 year old and I DO not talk bad about my husband to anyone, I do vent on places I trust and to friends, but only IM¡¦ing them. I am sick of people telling me he is depressed and needs help. What about me? When is it my turn? When do I get to be selfish?
He knows all of this. I downright gave him the option to get the heck out. I am so confused. One weekend, I got so sick of it all, I packed up the kid and went to the beach, by myself. Hubby didn¡¦t even care. I am so sad so be kind and I know this post is rambling but I truly have no one left to turn too. People who say they are going to be there now don¡¦t have time for me. I feel like I have lost EVERYTHING and am starting over, which can be a good thing but I am just darn tired. ƒ¼
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 07:41:02 AM
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I hit post before I was ready..
He applied to the police academy and was accepted but the 2x the classes started, he simply didn't go. He had done nothing to prepare IE: Working out, reading up on the books they gave out, etc. He tells me because of his surgery, he can't do it but yet every job I send his way, he won't apply for this reason or that reason.
He told me he wanted to reapply to the PA. Ok..so I keep asking him "did they contact you?" He told me No and hasn't called. Y'all, I saw the email that the lady was excited he was better and coming back..from the 17th of this month. So now he is a liar. And yes, I checked his email because I was looking for a return number for a computer we recently ordered. Now I am lied too. :(
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 11:54:54 AM
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Aww Heather, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I don't really have any advice other than this. In the end you have to do what is best for you and your son. Your husband is not physically dependent on you. Your hubby has given a lot for this country. Maybe he feels entitled to not give one more thing, even for family. He's ill. He knows it and you know it but what can be done about it?
The fact that your son sees all this will change his perspective of his father. Where he once looked up to him, he will start to disrespect him. He already feels the pressure to take care of you because he sees that daddy is not. That is a lot for a little guy to take on. Bless his little heart.
Your respect is ebbying away and you say he is now lying. You have your own physical issues to deal with. Marriage is about trust and respect along with love. You can love someone while knowing its not good for you. You can love someone and not like them.
All I can say is pray on this, listen to the Lord and seek counseling for yourself and your son. You may have to make some hard choices Heather. Whatever choice you make just make sure you stand firm. If you chose to stay knowing that nothing is going to change, then you will have to make peace with it. If you chose to leave because you believe there is no longer any hope or that its better for your's and your son's peace of mind and health, then do what you must but don't look back (i.e. wishy washy).
If you choose to leave know that God won't close the door until he CLOSES the door. He can always use that time to work on your husband and on you. He's an awesome God and nothing is impossible. You may think your marriage is a failure but God may be preparing you for the next great thing. Don't put a period where God put a comma.
Praying for you!
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 1:54:41 PM
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Thank you Tracy. I appreciate the comments and feedback.
I have tried to save my marriage for the past 3 years. I had gone above and beyond and I know I sounds like a selfish brat right now but sometimes, I just want it for once to be about me.
I have complete understanding of what he is going through. We are both combat Veterans and I chose to make each day the best and happy. One things I have learned is I can't fix him. I can't make him happy. He has to do it himself. I have given him all the time and necessary tools, taking on a lot so he could help himself and he hasn't.
I told him I didn't care if he worked at Walmart, just get a job and work and be the man of the house. I honestly feel like a roommate or the mother of a lazy teenager at this point.
I asked him again about the police academy, not 15 minutes ago. When I asked, he tried to change the conversation. I am done. I walked away and said "Do what you want but remember, the choice you make now is the one you have to live with for the rest of your life and it not only effects you but everyone around you." I got no response and he went outside to sit. Whatever. I am not feeling bad for him. He knows what he needs to do, so go do it. I know, I sound HORRIBLE but it's been years of this and I am just done.
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 4:15:14 PM
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You don't sound horrible to me! Not at all!
The Bible says a man who does not support his family is worse then a man with out faith...So even God has mandated that men work and provide for their families. A scripture says a days bread for a days work, etc etc.
When people don't do that, of course it's going to be hard! God knew what he was talking about when he created certain things for each person in a marriage to do. And when one of those people don't, of course it's going to be hard.
You don't sound horrible or like a brat to me...just normal, wanting what is normal for a woman to NEED from a husband.
I am sorry you got one of these kind of men.... :( *hugs* it seems more and more men are like this though, and as you see the family is getting more and more broke down as a whole. :(
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2013 : 06:35:39 AM
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| Heather - You don't sound horrible to me. You sound like you're worn completely out - emotionally and physically. I've been there - it took 23 years for me to finally deal with it. Know that I'm holding you up in prayer. Please keep us updated. |
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msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2013 : 06:38:48 AM
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I don't think you sound horrible at all. Just from what you posted, it sounds as though he is severely depressed/mentally ill. You, however, have to live with this every day. I'd second the idea of getting counseling for yourself and your son.
Something that really helped me cope with a problematic family member was reading a public online forum which was created for people who had a mentally ill family member. I then realized that I was not alone in my thoughts. The only think I ever posted was, "Thank you.". It helped me to see the situation in a whole new light, and to see how things had been resolved (or not). The only thing was that I was not married to this person. So, for you, it is much more intense. I, at least, have the option to not see this person again. I would try to also find a support group for spouses in the same situation as yours. You are correct, you CANNOT change your hubby; it is up to him. I can't imagine not feeling very angry and hurt...what he does comes off as extremely selfish...as if he is choosing sleep over supporting you and your son.
I'll tell you the truth; I left my husband when it became obvious that he did not value his family and after I had begged him to spend time with us. I now have a husband who DOES. Family is #1 with us. HOWEVER, divorce can come with a very high price, as in, I cannot control who the ex chooses to date and things like that, which could turn into its own nightmare.
Anyway, counseling/support group would be a good start, and I wish you well. I hope it will give you some much-needed and deserved mental venting.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2013 : 6:59:51 PM
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Thanks ladies. Yes, I feel like am always begging which in turn makes me feel like I am complaining, so I stopped.
The truth be told, when he needed me there on many occasions, including taking care of our son by myself for almost 2 years and having just enough money to eat and put diapers and food in the grocery basket, he had no clue. He has no clue because he doesn't care. Now that I am in need, he is not there for me and thinks I am being too demanding. Whatever. I got to where I am BECAUSE of who I am and my ethics, morals and persistence.
I have PTSD and my home life was HORRIBLE growing up but I got out and made something of myself, even if no one cared or celebrated with me. My marriage is the last place I thought I would be having trust issues and dealing with someone like this, especially since he knows my history.
I am making plans, getting things together. I just want a peaceful life for me and my son. I know it's going to stink big time for my son and that is what breaks my heart. :(
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2013 : 9:52:03 PM
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I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this. It sounds like your husband is suffering from depression or something. But it also sounds like you've done all you can. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. Everyone has a limit and once that limit is broken, it's hard to ever go back to the way things were.
So I think you're right to want to move on. I know how hard it is to do, as I've done it myself. The kids are always the biggest worry, but they do survive. Actually, it would probably be better in the long run for your son to be out of this situation. Kids know more than we think and can sense a lot of things too. Your son knows that you're in a constant state of stress and that there's a lot of resentment going on between you and your husband. It's not a good atmosphere for your son to be growing up in.
It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you sound strong enough to get thru it. It's been 15 years for me and now I'm with a husband who's so loving and giving. I don't know what I'd do without him. So life does go on and often for the better.
Please keep us posted on how things are going for you! Hang in there, better days are ahead!
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2013 : 8:49:56 PM
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| You could drive him to an American Legion post and leave him there all day. The vets there will probably see the problem pretty quickly and might even be able to encourage him to join a support group or something, which would be a start towards the intervention he needs for what sounds like clinical depression and/or PTSD. You may be tired of hearing that, and he may not be responsive to the idea of seeking treatment -- many depressed people can't even motivate themselves to make a phone call -- but the fact is that without treatment, he will only get worse. Same for you. If you get counseling, with or without your son, you open up a good resource of practical ideas and referrals that can be very valuable to you and your family even if your husband doesn't get better. Don't wait. |
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ramonaj
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
rhonda
gibsons
british columbia
Canada
118 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2013 : 09:57:59 AM
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Hi Heather, I'm so sorry for your troubles, it sounds really hard for you and your family. You don't sound horrible, you sound tired. and who could blame you for that? One of the book I recommend to the families I work with is called When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness By Rebecca Wallis. I know you already have a full plate so there may not be room for reading. This is not a self help book, it's more of a how do you survive and not feel guilty, responsible etc guide. I hope there are supportive people in your life. It's very hard to leave a marriage and even harder when the person you leave is ill. Unfortunately there comes a time when you have to save yourself and your child. you sound like a strong woman and from what you write, you've given it a long time and tried many things to make the situation livable. I wish you and your family the best. you're not alone, even though it may feel that way at times
happiness to all sentient beings |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2013 : 12:05:50 PM
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Heather, I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. My foster daughter was in a similar situation - she was married for 9 years to a guy that ran around on her, wouldn't finish his GED, couldn't hold a steady job and never lifted a finger to help her around the house. They had 4 kids together and he already had 2 from a previous relationship. She had tried over and over to get him to change his ways, but it was no use. It wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago she made the decision to end it. I support her decision and my opinion is she is doing the right thing for her and her children. It will be hard since she works full time on an odd shift (noon-9p), but I know she can do it and so can you. She rented a house on her own a couple of months ago and only her name is on the lease as well as all the current utilities- that way he has NO say in what she does with her money.
One thing I noticed when I went to visit her on Sunday was that she had pictures of him with or without the children all over the living room. I suggested that she might take down all the ones with him in them and put them away. I felt it would make it easier to move on if she wasn't looking at him everyday. She told me that would be hard to do but she would think about it. Yesterday, she sent me a message and said she had done it and felt 10x better already.
Heather, you have to do what is best for YOU and your son. It sounds like you have done everything you can do at this point. We are all here to support you and give you advice, but ultimately it is up to you. I wish you the best and thank you for your service to our country. Big hugs to you!
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
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DandeeRose
True Blue Farmgirl
1509 Posts
Alicia
Charlestown, IN
1509 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2013 : 07:25:29 AM
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Heather- I don't know you and I am new to this site...
I wanted to say i am sorry, though. You are doing all you possibly can for your husband. Now I think you need to focus on YOU, b/c to take care of Charlie, you need your sanity, too. Hugs and prayers sweetie.
Many Blessings- Alicia
http://dandeelionrose.blogspot.com/
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2013 : 08:20:23 AM
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Oh Heather, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I have e-mailed you. Saying prayers. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Dreamingreen
Farmgirl at Heart
3 Posts
Vicki
Fowlerville,
Michigan
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2013 : 11:16:02 AM
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I read your post several days ago and have thought about it since then. What a tough situation you are in and I agree with everyone that you are not "horrible". You are a normal woman who would respond to any effort your man would make if he would just make it. It is certainly his loss if you decide to leave. You have to decide to leave based on what is best for your son. Remember God promises to be with us "through" the valley of the shadow of death not around, under or over but through. You will be a stronger person once you go through this struggle.
Yet, I will be joyful in God my Savior |
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Lanna
True Blue Farmgirl
330 Posts
Lanna
A little town in Idaho
330 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2013 : 5:39:21 PM
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A few quick things...
Have you guys been to the VA for him? Is he dealing with PTSD or depression? Which is not uncommon for military folks I hear. :(
Sometimes guys are just dense. Even the good/nice guys. They don't know what they've got 'till it's gone. A trial separation might not be a bad idea if that's a possibility... Hubby had to work out of town for almost a year so we had *any* income, renting a room in a house, and it sure helped put things into perspective (i.e. being single with just ketchup in the pantry kinda sucks vs. a warm wife in bed with kids scattered around the house and home-canned peaches in the pantry).
There's also things like counseling or talking to your church elders or whatever, if those might be something worth checking out.
That said... sometimes you just have to cut bait and run. I *wish* my mother had left my father when I was little. I vividly remember the *one* time I saw my parents kiss (1987) and that by the time I was about 9-10yo (and my sister was 5-6yo) we both wondered why our parents were still together. Kids are smarter than you think.
My sister and I may not have had our own bedrooms or have been able to afford being in Girl Scouts as much just living with our mom, but our general emotional/mental happiness would've likely been off the charts. Instead, my mom just sucked it up those 38 miserable years (and man, did my dad go out with a bang, yikes). It scarred her, it scarred my sister and I (since all we knew was this demented kind of relationship, that's what we gravitated towards while dating!).
If your situation isn't one you want your child recreating when they're older, it's time to rethink things and figure out your plan of attack.
*****************
Lanna, homeschooling mama to four little monkeys that still try to jump on the bed |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2013 : 5:49:40 PM
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quote:
If your situation isn't one you want your child recreating when they're older...
Lanna, this is such an important idea that I wanted to pull it out to give it special attention. When boys grow up witnessing mostly (or only) the "for worse" part of marriage, it's difficult for them to understand what "for better" is all about. Abuse becomes their normal. Even learning to cope the the negativity in the home becomes a "skill" that they can come to pride themselves on honing into an art form. |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2014 : 7:19:16 PM
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Hey y'all..it's been awhile and so much has change...
First, I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. I am still stunned but her death has pushed me to start living life to the fullest.
Hubby is almost done with the Police Academy and he has 2 great offers on the table for a job. Please pray for the best for us!!!
I am quitting my job, my career of 20 years, and taking a break. I am 39 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I do know I have a lot I want to learn about and most importantly, just be me.
I finally had my say and what he took seriously was my blood pressure shot through the roof and sent me to the hospital. He FINALLY got it!!!
We are still not perfect but in a much better place. I have so much to learn, relearn, toss out and change but I am excited. Thank y'all for the kind words and prayers. Much love and gratefulness!!
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2014 : 12:18:42 AM
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Heather,
I just sat down and read all of the above posts. You have been through so much! First, thank you to both you and your husband for your service! As a military wife, I understand the sacrifices! Secondly, I am so sorry to hear of everything you have gone through... The PTSD, the arthritis, the surgeries, the marital struggles, and the loss of you mother. I will definitely be praying for your family as you grieve her passing. On a high note, I am most definitely praising God for the Turn of events with your husband! What fabulous news! Definitely praying that he excels in the police job and that you learn who you are.
~ Shannon
http://hudson-everydayblessings.blogspot.com/ |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Family Matters: Over it |
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Over it
