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Family Matters:  my elderly MIL  |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 04 2013 : 9:22:13 PM
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I need some advice. I have a MIL that is a hoarder. She has 3 sons. My DH and his Brother live 4 hours away from her and the other one is 1 hour away. She has very bad knees and can not walk very good. She about 4 months ago had 2 heart attacks and had 2 stents put in. She was in the hospital and then stayed with the son that lived an hour away for a few weeks and is now up here with us. We have switched her drs to up here so we can get her prescriptions and visits done close and changed her mail and had a talk with her about staying up here in a income based apartment that is very nice up here, so she can be close and there are 4 of us up here to help take her places and such. Downstate my BIL is 10 years younger and still has small children and works full time so does his wife. So staying up here with us just makes more since. She got soooo mad when we all had a talk to her about staying up here. She was livid. She can not go back to her house it is a hoarder house to say the least. She is 83 and still is telling us, "She is going back down there" My husband nicely the last time told her No your not mom. She is hell bent on she is going down there. We can not kid nap her so what are our options.??? She really can not go back to her house!!! How do we do this, anybody been through this, what worked??
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2013 : 9:39:03 PM
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My heart goes out to you, your husband, and your MIL. It is sort of sad, in a way. I hope y'all manage to figure out the right way to do things. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2013 : 9:41:51 PM
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Thank you , I just wish I could through to her that this is best for her in the long run. She gets out more while up here cause she goes with us if she wants and she is not alone...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 05:50:54 AM
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Is she still in her right mind? If she is then there's not much you can do. Your husband and his siblings need to get together and start estate planning for their mom. I stress this...ABSOLUTELY NO IN LAWS ALLOWED! Who is in charge of her medical, who is in charge of financial, who is will executor. If there is no will, get one drawn up. Have your mil give what she wants to whom she wants now if she is in her right mind. That way there's not as much bickering over the dusty yarn ball in the back of the closet. Speaking of hoarding, if she has general garbage, newspapers, boxes etc, throw a little of that's out over time. If she gets mad just say if you need that later on I'm sure I can find one for
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
Edited by - queenmushroom on Jan 05 2013 05:51:28 AM |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 05:59:06 AM
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You. As far as personal items are concerned, see if she will let you box them up. If you can get junky broken stuff into a few boxes then sneak one out.once in a while. If you think something is salable, buy it from her. If it sells for more than what you bought for give her the difference. Just make sure that this stuff is not an heirloom and I'd more along the lines of junk. Money does speak loudly so this may work.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 08:45:59 AM
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Just from watching the Hoarding shows and reading articles about hoarding, there are mental and emotional attachments to the "things" they hoard. It may seem like junk (and sometimes it really is!) but they see it as more and it is very emotional for them to get rid of it. I'm not exactly sure what her situation is or her mental status (not to mention, I am not an expert! :) so it's hard to give you appropriate advice. Is her hoarding a situation that could be considered a hazard to her health? Is it a situation where she is living in filth or does she just have a lot of stuff? Taking into consideration the answer to those questions and her age, perhaps there is some legal actions you could take.
Maybe instead of telling her she needs to move, have your husband ask her what her plans would be if she moved back home given her physical state. Make her feel like her thoughts and feelings are being taken into consideration. Hoarders don't see their hoarding as a problem most of the time and even if they do, it is hard for them to part with their things. It could be that if she is being told that she CAN'T move home, she is seeing that as losing her independence. Talk to her in a calm and nonjudgmental way. I know that can be very hard to do given the situation! Explain to her that you are concerned for her health and that your husband wants his mom close to him so they can spend time together. Tell her she will still have her independence, but it will be easier for someone to keep an eye on her if she needs help. Make her feel like she is needed and wanted. Sometimes older people just need to have purpose because they start to lose their feelings of usefulness.
I'll be praying that everything works out in the best possible way. Keep us posted.
Emily |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 08:52:02 AM
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Lorena, As far as we are all concerned no one in there right mind would live the way she does. When I say hoarding , I mean she has garbage in her house from probably 20 years ago. Her house is not worth a penny anymore and none of the boys want it cause it isn't worth fixing the house up. So there is no need for estate planning cause no one wants there name anywhere on anything that has to do with it. Right now it is in reposession for back taxes anyway. I really did not want to say all that but I guess I had to make it clear that that is not an issue. any of her posessions are not in any way going to be argued about. She lives on her SS so there is no money to argue about either. We just want her to realize she needs to stay and live a cleaner life but she keeps saying she has a life there. but there really is not . Sorry for being so blunt about the mess but it is what it is...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 11:53:30 AM
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What I meant by in her right mind is that she doesn't have dementia or Alzheimer's. If she does if you can her medical documentation then your husband or one of three siblings might be able to make these decisions for her to get her out.. if she is in rehab, you all may have enough time to get the house cleaned up so that it's safe. Or have the city condemn it so she can't move back.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 12:29:56 PM
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She is at our house right now and she is suppose to see the cardio dr on the 16th to see if she needs rehab. This morning we had another talk with her about not moving home and she did not remember the whole 3 hour conversation we had with her less than a week ago about the situation so dementia is some of the problem. Her house is really not livable... It is not hoarded stuff it is garbage. She really can not live there nor can we clean it. I really feel it needs to be condemed. but I guess that will be for the city to decide after they repo it. It is just so hard to see someone who was living in those conditions want to go back there. There really has to be a mental problem in there someplace. I am just not sure of what kind. If the state came in and she was living in that and they knew we all knew about it I think we could get in trouble for neglect. Since I now know about how bad it is , since she would not let any of us in her house for years, we did not know until now, we all feel it has to be dealt with and fixed some how. We do not want to get her all upset because she has had 2 heart attacks 4 months ago but we have to do something about it now. I feel bad for her but at the same time she is not thinking about any of us. She says we want her to move by us because it is more convient for us. Well we do live 4 hours away but really we just want her to be safe and in a clean and health environment. I really am just venting mostly on here but I just thought if someone had been through some similiar they might have some suggestions. I am thankful for prayers and any other suggestions from all of you... thank you so much....
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 2:03:03 PM
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I would talk to her medical dr about it. And also call up your local senior/elderly advocate support groups in the area about what they know about the laws of such.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 4:19:52 PM
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Beverley, There are laws about whether someone can stay in a home that they cannot escape from in an emergency or cannot recieve emergency help if needed. There are also elder care laws. It sounds as though her home may not be fit in either circumstance. You can ask the fire dept. to make a visit or perhaps the health dept. Either way you will have a very angry MIL.
Good luck,
Marianne |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2013 : 4:59:01 PM
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I know she will be very angry. I told her today that if she insists on going back there, that I would call adult protective services on her. I told her she could hate me, but better me than her sons. I also told her it is because I love her that I want her in a healthy environment and in one where she will be safe... She was really mad at first but when I said the second part , she started to cry, so we will see if I got through to her.. I would hate to do that, so, I hope she quits being so stubborn and sees we are just trying to help and that she needs help. I know that is hard for any elderly person to face but I hope she will come around, or I will be forced to do that. It would be my last measure of course. My husband said thank you to me after I told her that cause I think he and his brothers just can't stand up to her cause she has always been the mom that told them what to do. So, I believe it was best coming from me and not them. only time will tell if my conversation sunk in, we can only hope...She has to sign the apartment application, to be able to rent it, so I will give it a couple days and then bring it back up. It is taking a lot out of me to do this and it sure does not feel good at all. But for all our sakes it is something that has to be done and I am the only one that has the guts to do it...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2013 : 07:21:17 AM
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Beverley,
My heart goes out to you. Praying that your MIL sees the light. Very brave of you to be the one to lay it all out to her. She is probably just hanging on to the memories and not the junk. Make sure she knows that the memories are still there. Maybe go to the house and dig through the junk and find old photos and make an album for her. I have to do this for my Mom this spring. Since my DD died 10 years ago the house has fallen into a mess. I have begged her to start sorting and cleaning, but she just doesn't know where to start. I will be going in like a bull-dozer this spring and then put the house on the market for whatever we can get for it. Hard stuff to deal with.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2013 : 10:37:32 AM
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her one son went into the house last week and he got photos that were there but he was the youngest in the family and he said he could not go back into the house again by himself. He said it brought back such aweful memories from childhood of living in a mess that he won't go back in. He had to move out when he was 14 and move in with his older brother because he could not have friends over and such. The oldest brother went into her house numerous times and cleaned it and it would just be all messy again in 6 months time. Well now they are all so much older that they are just not up to it themselves. His older brother has had heart attacks himself and really physically just not up to it anymore. neither is my husband. My SIL and I are going to try and get some info up here from the health dept since we know a girl who works there. I never thought of talking to her but this forum reminded me that that might be good place to start... thank you for all the info and suggestions. It is taking a tole on my emotions big time, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. I told her That I love her and want the best for her. and I keep trying to say that in different ways cause I do believe she forgets things we have said. Maybe that will soften her her...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4814 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4814 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2013 : 2:37:49 PM
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Beverly, someone will need to be appointed power of attorney for health for your mother-in-law. The doctor can submit a letter stating she is no longer able to make her own decisions about her healthcare. Even though the house is being taken due to back taxes, you will most likely need to have some appointed with power of attorney for finances too. This will help you deal with her social security checks and bills.
Maybe you can ask the doctor's office for advise for a website or an attorney's name to help you deal with this. I had to deal with all of this in the fall of 2011 after my father died and my mother was hospitalized until she died 2 months after him. It is very difficult and stressful for everyone. You are all in my prayers.
Dawn in IL |
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Family Matters: my elderly MIL |
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my elderly MIL
