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Family Matters:  Should I Have Gone to the Funeral??  |
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Madelena
True Blue Farmgirl
1919 Posts
Mary
Central
TX
USA
1919 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 09 2012 : 12:45:21 PM
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My kids step-mother's mother (step grandmother??) passed away this last week and I chose not to go to the funeral. It was not because I don't like the step mom. She is a very nice Christian lady. It is because I thought my ex- might resent it.
Let me explain. Last winter I traveled 16 hours round trip to attend the 3 day Jr Livestock show my grand kids had animals in.
When I saw my ex- there he was talking to my SIL. After SIL left to do something, my ex- turned around and saw me. His smile immediately went to one of disgust and disdain. I interpreted it as "Why do YOU have to be everywhere we go when we want to participate in the grandchildren's activites. ( Of course I am grand ma too !!!)..
I really felt that he was just not happy to see me always having to be part of everything. Since I traveled a long way I ignored it.
AFter much deliberation, I felt that since is was his wife's mother who died, it was his job to be her support and comfort at the service; and if my presence distracted from it in any way that would be very wrong.
My daughter mentioned today that she was surprised that she did not see me at the funeral. I told her I considered going but decided not to. I think I will explain to her why (after all my hubby does not attend all my grandkids bday parties because he has seen my ex- apparent discomfort with him there. And the kids know that. )
(It's been 25 years. .think we grown ups would be over this stuff!!!)
So, Gals... In hind site, I feel bad about not attending, but I can't undo that now. My hubby thinks I should explain my non-presence to the kids' stepmother. I think that it would be wrong to do this.. she has enough stress and sadness in her life right now.
Perhaps, I should just make up a vague excuse about my stupidity or lack of social graces and just let it go. I am sure that this is not the biggest mistake I have or still will make in my life.
Your thoughts please. Thank you
"There is no unbelief: Whoever plants a seed beneath the sod and waits to see it push away the clod, he trusts in God." (Kate Douglas Wiggin) |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2012 : 1:29:44 PM
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I think you made the right choice. I would however send a little card, maybe flowers or what ever is traditional in your neck of the woods as condolences, and just apologize for not being able to make it. No excuses on why you weren't there, just sorry I was not able to attend your mothers funeral, but wanted to extend my condolences. Not yadda yada yada about why not. And that will still be nice, yet, being at the funeral was probably not in their/your best interest, it sounds like. We have "ex" family that we include in every thing and we all get along fine, and we have ex family that you can see their very big discomfort in attending anything of our family's. We don't sweat that either.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Madelena
True Blue Farmgirl
1919 Posts
Mary
Central
TX
USA
1919 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2012 : 2:45:27 PM
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Thanks Heather.. Actually I went to visit her the next day and brought and card and we talked (and cried a little) for about 20 or so minutes.
Thank you. I do feel a little better.. and I'm sure in the scheme of things since I couldn't find her address to send a card.. which caused me to hand deliver it.. it was probably meant to be. Thanks again
"There is no unbelief: Whoever plants a seed beneath the sod and waits to see it push away the clod, he trusts in God." (Kate Douglas Wiggin) |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 07:05:02 AM
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Mary Jane,
You sound like a very classy, thoughtful lady. I think it's nice that you went to see her (and cry with her). I'm sure that meant a lot to her. Have you ever tried to talk to your ex about the awkwardness at your families functions? It would be nice if he could get past that. Tell him that the two of you don't have to be BFFs, but it would be nice if there wasn't that tension. Life is too short to not be able to enjoy being involved in your kids/grands goings on without feeling the tension. Hope you all can work it out!
Emily |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 08:15:55 AM
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Sorry you are going through this. I think you made the right choice. Maybe a phone call to the wife expressing your sympathy would be good. Hugs.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Family Matters: Should I Have Gone to the Funeral?? |
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Should I Have Gone to the Funeral??
