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Family Matters:  Is it normal to feel this way?  |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 05 2012 : 10:23:05 AM
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Many years ago, someone told me that people in long-term relationships tend to fall in and out of love quite regularly.
As you know, Ric and I have had our share of issues. I keep trying, he keeps trying...he did a few things lately that really bothered me. Now he is sick again. I looked at him last night and thought, "I don't have the energy to love you right now. I don't know if it's in me, period."
Is this normal when times are tough? I have been stressed lately myself and am not feeling the greatest. What should I do? Should I sit down with him and talk about it? I don't want to give up, but I know things just aren't right for me at the moment.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2012 : 10:29:32 AM
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Alyce: Sorry you're feeling this way. Personally, I've never fallen out of love with my hubby. There were times I didn't like him too much, and there were times he didn't like me too much.
Being stressed is an issue in itself. Yes, you and Ric do need to sit and talk, talk, talk. Maybe pray about things. Pray together. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Hugs.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2012 : 10:52:34 AM
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*hugs back* Thanks. Yeah, I don't like him too much right now. He has been really selfish and childish lately; even his mother is upset with his behavior. I just feel like screaming, "What's wrong with you?"
I don't know which will be harder: prayer (interfaith couple), or getting him to talk. He is so unwilling to listen to me that it makes me not want to listen to him! I know we need to talk and to pray, though.
He did say something though...probably the only reason I am still willing to work it out. Whenever I am upset with him, he uses a nonsensical pet name that I actually find kind of irritating. I finally asked him what it meant and he said, " Everything. I always proceed it with, 'You are' because you're my everything. Losing you is my worst fear."
I just wish I could say the same about him today!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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rschaaf
True Blue Farmgirl
174 Posts
Renee
Wooster
Ohio
USA
174 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2012 : 4:02:14 PM
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i have felt the same way about my husband sometimes. i do care for him very much, but sometimes i don't like him very much. he can be very self-absorbed and that is very frustrating. sometimes i feel like i have another "child". sometimes i think he "loves" the idea of me than actually "loving" me. i would think that if he loved me he would act and react differently than he does alot of times.
i think it is mormal to not have the energy to deal with things/him. especially if you are already stressed or maxed out. drama and stress just suck the life out of you leaving you empty. sounds like you need a break to regroup. sometimes that repreive can change your perspective. like the old addage says "things will look better in the morning..."
"There is beauty, there is grace, in my peaceful country place!"
See what I'm up to at: http://www.lifeonctfarm.blogspot.com |
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ramonaj
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
rhonda
gibsons
british columbia
Canada
118 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2012 : 6:08:21 PM
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Hi Alyce,
I've been with my husband for 36 years, since I was 18 and he was 19. My opinion is that yes you can fall in and out of love, many times (sorry to say so). For me, looking at what brought us together and what we wanted to accomplish was what I looked at during those really hard times. That and not wanting to hurt my kids, being a child of divorce myself. Really talking helps, but really listening to each other works better. That's the challenge! When we're stressed most of us tend to have a more negative outlook than we may normally have. Hard to keep the love burning when things are falling down around you, so to speak. especially if it feels like you're trying to keep things going without support or help from your honey (no idea what your issues are, just speaking from my own experience). No advice for you other than to say hang in there if you think the end result is worth it. My heart goes out to you, been there and it hurts like nothing else. Take good care of yourself, no matter what you decide to do.
happiness to all sentient beings |
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erowease
True Blue Farmgirl
294 Posts
Lesley
Edmonds
wa
USA
294 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2012 : 6:35:26 PM
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Marriage is like a rollercoaster, it has its ups and downs but it is always worth the ride.
Best thing to do is to sit down and talk out your issues and find ways to work it out. When times are tough it is sometimes hard to see the good things that are happening. I try keeping a journal of 5 things that were good each day. My husband has "issues" that he needs to work through and I have to give him the space to do the work, by listing the 5 good things each day I am able to keep myself focused on why its worth working to get to the next set of good years. I also pray alot that the Lord will lead him down the path to health and recovery from his "issues". The key I have found is to set some boundaries to protect myself, and get involved in community so that I have support when times are tough.
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
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JerseyGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
181 Posts
Michele
Southern NJ
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 02:32:10 AM
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| Alyce, as you know , marriage is hard! It requires so much of ourselves, sometimes more than we're willing to give and many times more than the other person gives. Everyone has their ups and downs, and sometimes it just won't work anymore. Wishing you the strength to keep it going and to hopefully get back to the good times! HUGS!!! |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 07:59:09 AM
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Thanks Renee, Rhonda, Leslie, and Michelle...I think a break is just what I need because there is so much going on in my life right now. I thought I would have some me-time this morning since I don't work until noon. Nope, he called freaking out because he missed his bus connection; solving the problem, of course, always lands on me.
He was spoiled as a youngster and, quite honestly, can't live independently as a result. (No sarcasm; he has the worst case of learned helplessness....) NEVER spoil children! It also made him, in many ways, the stereotypical spoiled brat. I sometimes feel as though I am raising a child!
Combine that with me having one of those jobs that just won't stay in the office (I wish my boss didn't have my phone number!)...you know, it sounds more and more like I have a nice case of burnout.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 08:06:41 AM
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Yeah, I'd say falling out of "like" is more common than falling out of love. Now and again, frustration (and lack of communication) can make things feel stale or uninspired in a long term relationship. I know that for me, little things like him doing the dishes without my asking, or him not taking just ONE shirt out of the dryer and leaving everything else to wrinkle makes me quite happy. It's when he doesn't do this stuff that, after a little while, I just get disgusted and think, "I don't like you, you lazy bum."
And then something great happens or I forget about the laundry and then I remember why I fell in love with him altogether. We've been together for 12 years and I don't see myself without him. I'll tell him about the dryer....
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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KatyDid
True Blue Farmgirl
66 Posts
Kate
Warwick
RI
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 10:46:51 AM
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Alyce, my husband was raised in much the same way - spoiled by parents who eventually divorced when he was 13. I think they gave their kids every material thing and any money they wanted, to make up for the lack of discipline and family love. And then that caused separate issues! He is still getting over equating "things" with happiness, which of course only works temporarily.
Even today my husband is experiencing bouts of severe depression. I have been depressed myself in the past, so I know how awful it feels. He has said many hurtful things to me, but I know that it is really the depression talking - he does not actually feel that way.
Ultimately it is up to our husbands to do something about they way they feel - we can't go to the doctor's for them, or seek therapy. When they get sick of feeling that way, they can either continue on as they have for years, which gets them nowhere. Or they just need to man up and get the help they need. Hopefully they will choose the latter. All we can do as spouses is support them when they are down, call them out when they are wrong, and as time goes by, hope that they learn our expectations for them. It really is like dealing with a child sometimes! I try to let him know what I need but without doing too much nagging, and that is difficult. But I think a little nagging could work in the long term ("Um, hey, dirty clothes go IN the hamper"). 
I love my husband more than anyone in the world, but like many others said here, yes, it is possible to not "like" them sometimes! He feels the same way about me from time to time, and deals with my annoying/irritated/upset/stressed moods. I think this is normal. Taking a break to reflect, then doing something different to get your mind off of it, and eventually going over it when you both are ready, will help put things in perspective. Good luck!
Farmgirl Sister #4527
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- Mae West |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 11:50:40 AM
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In any case, I think there are time that we really don't like our spouse. Love long term doesn't look like the first few years. Sometimes it looks like lots of one sided work.
No one said that it was easy. The marriage and honeymoon are just the beginning.
My Rooster and I have been married 15 years this August. It isn't always great. I slept on the couch about two weeks ago. You have to be either in or out. If you are in, you have to roll with it. There are those days.
I am sure it is easy enough to look around and think that wouldn't this or that be so much better. Maybe on the surface. But men are human and they do human things. I am far from perfect. But I said my vows and I intend to keep them. Not only for my child nor my hubby, but I made a promise to God.
Please, take the time to go somewhere on your own and think about all of this.
I hope I don't offend anyone bring God into this, but this is my opinion and my believe.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.flossesandcrosses.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2012 : 7:31:13 PM
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DH and I will be married 18 very short years this month. The time has just flown by, and most of it has been very happy. I sometimes don't "like" him much either. Here's the thing for me: we are friends-good, serious, close friends and that (and prayer) allows me to treat him with love and respect even when I don't like him. It also gives me the time to just LOVE him again.
I hope that you and Ric can work this out. I know you've put alot of time and energy into him. Will be sending prayers. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2012 : 07:58:09 AM
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I think the first few years are the hardest. However, as years go on things can get better. BUT, you must always communicate clearly and honestly.
My husband was raised by his grandparents who also spoiled him! Really badly! But, when things came up that he needed to "man up", I would clearly tell him what to do or what I expected in the situation, instead of sitting around crying cause he wasn't living up to my dreams (not saying you do this, it's just what I see my mother do, and it just frustrates me to no end, cause I'm sure if she just told my step father what she wanted he would try to do it!). It took time, years, and lots of tears, but as time goes on more and more he tries to grow and so do I. I try to be the things he wants more and more too. But, I think being honest about what you want or expect goes a long way, even though even that takes a lot of time for the person to learn to change.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 3:02:11 PM
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It just gets better and better...his paycheck is late, he keeps fighting with his mom about money, and then I get to deal with him brooding and suicidal. I have spelled out clearly what I need and expect to no avail. Argh.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 3:34:20 PM
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Maybe he can't give to you what he can't give to himself?
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 4:49:05 PM
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| Well Prariehawk, that says it all! |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2012 : 8:11:33 PM
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I think that says everything. His check finally came, and I had a talk with MIL. Everything is okay for now, so maybe he and I can finally talk.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2012 : 10:26:28 AM
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Alyce,
Sorry you are having to deal with this. I am sending good thoughts and energy your way. My husband and I will celebrate 20 years in July. It's been more than hard at times. We've been thought tough financial times more than once, have a child with special needs, fire and family deaths. We've fought and made up. We both have habits that drive each other nuts and I have a super short fuse. He was raised in a wealthy family - I was not. We have different views on money. I agree with the other ladies about taking a vow and keeping it. It's not easy. There have been times I have wanted to jab him in the neck with a pencil, but I know I can't - and it will pass. Through it all, we have ultimately been each other's rock when others failed us. Neither of us maintains a relationship with our mothers because of the toxicity and negativity.
Keep your chin up!
Hugs!
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2012 : 07:13:58 AM
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Alyce, Reading over your last post, something struck me. You have told him what you expect but have you set consequences for what will happen if he can't/won't give you what you expect?
I am so sorry you've been having a bad time. Hope that you've been able to talk and that things are better now. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2012 : 3:37:04 PM
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You know, I was just thinking of updating this.
Ric had been spending a lot of time with a friend who was a negative influence. This friend doesn't work nd has some crazy ideas. It led to Ric drinking a lot, and sometimes he even got in trouble at work. One night I said, enough is enough. I packed his bags for him, then went in the living room where they were sitting and said, "Okay, your bags are packed. Your friend or me."
I went in the den and waited. The door closed, and when Ric came in we had a huge argument. We didn't speak for a few days, and I was making plans to move back home.
Then, Ric ended up in the hospital. As he lay there, not knowing if he would survive the night, he did a lot of thinking. He realized how close he was to losing me, and on top of it all he might lose his life.
He has been a changed man the past few days. He quit drinking, ignores that negative person's attempts to contact him, and is seeking counseling to figure out what makes him so self-destructive.
We may not be out of the woods yet--but I can honestly say I love the stubborn fool now. I think he finally grew up!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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emtfarmer
True Blue Farmgirl
222 Posts
Darlene
North Carolina
USA
222 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2012 : 3:55:33 PM
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I'm sorry your husband wound up in the hospital! My hope and prayer is that you both will experience recovery in different ways.
To answer your original question, ditto to just about everything everyone else has already said. Love him but sometimes don't like him, acts like a child (spoiled, selfish) sometimes, I feel I handle all of the stressors in life, etc. I felt led today to seek farmfirl advice myself.
Thursday will be our 15th anniversary. Not that it is neither here nor there, but it is just a reminder of one of my (biggest) disappoints. We have both been through times of unemployment in the past two years. DH finally got another job but I see the pattern repeating itself yet again. First couple of weeks, loves the job. First month or so, still likes it but feels he is not progressing (learning) as he should. (Read into that, wants to be perfect so is setting himself up for failure.) So now, nearly three months and I see it coming again. He'll want to quit and look for something else.
In the 17 years total that we've been together, he has had 17 jobs. I don't mean to turn this thread into my problem and my plea for help but can anyone identify? How do you cope? I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't think so.
I look forward to your thoughts and hope we all can find strengh from each other.
Thank God for farmgirls!
Darlene
"Support your local fire departments and rescue squads...volunteers making a difference" |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2012 : 10:28:19 PM
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Darlene, so sorry that you are going through this too. Life/marriage is HARD sometimes, isn't it. I am hugging you and Alyce closely. 17 jobs in 17 yrs IS a bit much, in my opinion. Maybe he is depressed. Has he been losing sleep, appetite? Has he lost interest in the things he used to like? Decrease in sex? Thoughts of suicide or crying alot? Lack of emotional expression? Using drugs or alcohol? These are all signs of depression and if so, he may need to be on meds.
I wish I had answers for you. I don't. I think we all get thru it day by day and some days are better than others. Please just know that we are here, holding you up and supporting you both. Saying prayers for you and Alyce and your guys. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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hialtfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
72 Posts
Terri
WA.
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2012 : 7:02:11 PM
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I will give my 3 ceents worth, it may already have been said. but...here goes....PLEASE remember, we ladies are as emotional as who knows what???...LOL! How we feel rules our mind, actions and words....give it a while and you might feel different....
"LOVING" life at 4000 feet..."LOVE" is a very splendid thing... |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2012 : 8:19:42 PM
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*hugs Darlene, Joey, and Terri* Thanks...I have been feeling better lately, now that he has owned his behavior. That just leaves me to own mine.
Darlene sweetie, I am so sorry...I wish I knew what to say. Has he been tested for adult ADHD by any chance? He does also sound depressed (not uncommon for the two to go hand in hand). I will be praying!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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KatyDid
True Blue Farmgirl
66 Posts
Kate
Warwick
RI
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2012 : 10:02:57 AM
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Alyce, I am glad everything is starting to work better for you!
Darlene, same thing with my husband - he too is depressed, as I mentioned earlier. When he is employed (both of our jobs have been few and far between since we graduated from college 7 years ago!), he tends to get into fights with his employers and get laid off. I think that a) he has a problem with following others' directions/being told what to do and b) as long as he is depressed, he will not be able to fully invest himself in (or apply himself to) any job or pursuit. He has not made the decision yet to seek professional help, and thankfully most days he is okay. But he could feel much better, and also avoid the really bad funks he gets into every few months. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will eventually have some money to invest in therapy for him. But in the meantime, I continue to encourage him to be self-employed, because the "employer-employee" thing does not seem to work for him! He is a videographer and editor by trade, but also does carpentry, boat building, upholstery, restoration, photography, DJ'ing, etc, so he's very handy and can do anything he puts his mind to, luckily. I think he really just needs to run his own show to avoid the ups and downs of working for The Man :) Maybe this approach would work for your husband. I don't know what his specialty is, but has he ever thought about doing contract work, starting his own business, or being a consultant? I am sure plenty of people are doing more work like that, especially in this economy.
Farmgirl Sister #4527
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- Mae West |
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Family Matters: Is it normal to feel this way? |
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Is it normal to feel this way?
