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Family Matters:  Stepsons!?  |
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mountaingirl
Farmgirl in Training
22 Posts
Jennifer
Conifer
CO
USA
22 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 19 2012 : 11:19:43 PM
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I am about to embark on a new life with a wonderful man. Actually, he's the boy I fell in love with when I was 14! I will have two new stepsons - ages 9 1/2 and 11. I know nothing about boys!!! What are some bonding things I can plan to do with them? I have two daughters of my own - 21 and 16. I feel like I'm completely unprepared. I'm even more nervous because the boys are very much indoor boys - computers, Kindles, X-box, etc. All of that is COMPLETELY foreign to me. I have these grand visions of swooping them off into the great outdoors to build forts, go fishing, etc. but I sense that there is going to be resistance. Any suggestions?
~~~~she seemed to move everywhere dancing and music followed her like leaves on the wind~~~~
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2012 : 12:43:10 AM
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Are they involved in sports? If not, get them involved. Take them to a science museum. Just some ideas.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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shanda
True Blue Farmgirl
522 Posts
Shanda
Broken Bow
OK
USA
522 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2012 : 03:55:08 AM
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First, get involed in their likes. Sit and watch them play games, have them teach you, do things on their level. Then when you have built up some trust, and friendship, start inviting them to share in your likes, and begin teaching them. Take it slow and try not to force the relationship. Boys are like little men, they like to be the leaders and like accolades. Once they know they can trust their hearts and "male-ego" to your care, they'll open up more to you. And then the fun begins! Boys are such fun when you've built a bond with them! Oh the silliness you are instore for! Enjoy!
Shanda
Farmgirl #4233 |
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cheeselady
Farmgirl in Training
33 Posts
michele
waxhaw
NC
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2012 : 04:22:53 AM
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Yes, boys are very different! Forget quiet dinner table conversation. Our dinner table usually dissolves into each boy trying to one up the other in the silly comment department, including my husband. Get the game Dutch Blitz. It is fast paced and fun. They will beat the pants off you. But it is a great way to spend time together.
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2012 : 04:30:07 AM
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Well, as a mother who raised a boy, I would have to say take baby steps. Yes, much like their grown counterpart, boys do not like to be told they have to do or try anything. I found that gentle nudging and small detours and hey,lets try this, worked really well.
It also helped that I was a bit of a tomboy, growing up with 3 brothers! Good luck!
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
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Neecerie
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
Denise
Kirkland
WA
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2012 : 09:03:34 AM
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I can imagine that changing their lives any more then is already happening, at least at first, is likely going to feel like you coming in and being the pushy stepmom when they just want to listen to Dad and not you.
I would let -him- dictate the changes in their lives at least until you have trust and time behind you.....otherwise you are just bound for 'You aren't my mother, I don't have to listen to you!' tantrums constantly. Let their Dad be the 'bad guy' for a long while, just like he should back off and let you handle the daughter still living with you as the 'primary' parent for a while.....
The world's only Art Deco farmgirl? |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2012 : 07:21:39 AM
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I am a stepmother of a now 32 year old man who came into my life at age 6. It takes years to forge a bond and it is easier the younger the child is. The key word is slow. Don't expect anything. If you aren't hated you have won. Just be there. Support, be someone that is always where she says she will be when she says she will be there. Eventually, they will appreciate that you are trustworthy. It takes about six years to form a family unit according to the beloved "experts." I thought they were crazy when I read that. They aren't. So realisticly, you just want to not be hated. You probably aren't gonna be "mom." I sound like such a downer but it hurts to have unrealistic expectations. And there are gonna be some dreadful times, just like there are with you natural children, but more mystifying.
the most important thing I taught my children was that they can not un-say something. You can not "forget" things said in anger, etc. So practice what you preach and preach very little.
Good luck.
Marianne |
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Kammi
True Blue Farmgirl
105 Posts
Kim
Phoenix
Az
USA
105 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2012 : 09:03:18 AM
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I agree with Marianne, I am a product of a blended family. My parents met at a PWP party (Parents Without Partners). I was only 4 when they got married. There are 6 of us kids, all within a 4 year spread. At times it was hard and Dad was gone a lot for work so most of the discipline fell to Mom that is where the problems arise. You both need to be on the same page and back each other up when it come to discipline. (AND NO FAVORITISM....AT ALL), they all need to be treated as kids from the same family. They need to know that you are not taking the place of their birth mother, but show that you are always there for them and care about them. They will come around in time. If the Mother is in the picture, be careful if the kids playing her off against you. This will be natural for the kids to do to see if they can get a rise out of you or extra gifts ect. Don't play into that game, only makes a mess of things later. Just be cognizant of this, with any luck this will not happen with your boys. Just love them, with Gods help, they will see that for themselves.
On my end, Mom and Dad have been together for 50 years and still going strong. He is the best dad to all of us.
Anyone can be a Mother or Father; it takes someone special to be a Mom and Dad. I think you are that someone.
Best wishes always
Kim
Farmgirl 4256
Remember… Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body. Instead, you should slide in sideways, glass of wine in one hand and chocolate in the other, in a body thoroughly used up, worn out and screaming “Woohooo! What a ride!”
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Annie S
True Blue Farmgirl
756 Posts
Annie
Custer
S.D.
USA
756 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2012 : 3:05:42 PM
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| I agree with Marianne and Kim. Even tho I inherited three kids with my 2nd hubby at older ages, I still went through the "your not my mother" times when they would come up to visit. They tried my patience to no end and did things I knew they wouldn't do at their mother's place. Even when DH and I were dating and took the kids on trips, they would do everything they could to break us up - and it did come close. They didn't like the fact that their dad was now going to be paying attention to someone else and not so much to them. Took a few years and their "growing up" and having kids of their own to change their attitudes. It'a a hard road to go down, being a step-parent, but in the end it's worth it. Just give it time and lots of love. |
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mountaingirl
Farmgirl in Training
22 Posts
Jennifer
Conifer
CO
USA
22 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2012 : 8:19:22 PM
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Oh, wow! I'm so glad I posted this. There were so many things I hadn't considered. Thank you all for your suggestions, well-wishes and advice!! I think my natural inclination to rush right in "make everything better" will need to be reigned in. Thank you!!!
~~~~she seemed to move everywhere dancing and music followed her like leaves on the wind~~~~
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2012 : 12:49:14 AM
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Jennifer, it sounds like you got our message. Rushing right in would be a bit over the top and I think it would backfire on you. Slow but steady, is what will help you in the long run. And that's what is important.
Best of luck to you. It isn't easy, but love isn't easy, is it?
Marianne |
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MtnGrlByTheBay
True Blue Farmgirl
171 Posts
Erin
Lexington Park
MD
USA
171 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 07:12:20 AM
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Boy Scouts and Kickball. Seriously. I have one of those "indoor boys." However, he LOVES Boy Scouts (and I notice that many of the other boys are gamers, bookworms, geeks and nerds too - and I mean that in the most POSITIVE way!). I coached a Summer Kickball program too, and many of these "indoor kids" often find Kickball less intimidating than other sports like baseball or soccer. It's a fun game they play in gym class, so they don't see it as a "Sport" really. You might have a challenge finding a league, but give it a google. Flag Football might be an option as well.
I too, came into my DH's life when my step-son was 7. We only saw him one weekend a month, and then for an extended visit in the summer. He's now 22. I can say we have an "adequate" relationship. We don't really fight, and we can carry on a conversation. He knows he's part of my heart, and we share a respect for each other. I am satisfied with that. We are not close. I don't think we'll ever be. I'm not his mother, and I've never tried to be, but I AM his step-mother, and have my own set of criteria. I won't ever expect him to get me a "Mothers Day" card, but I will expect him to give me a hand with the dishes (when he visits, anyway), pick up his laundry, and be respectful to the rest of the family.
Will the boys be moving? If so, it'll probably be a good idea to enroll them in some sort of activity where they can meet friends who share common interests. If it takes a video game to bring a couple of new friends together, let it happen... they'll find time to build a fort later.
^^^I'm a RidgeRunner, and will always feel best when surrounded by the PA mountains.^^^
www.lastlapgang.com |
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Family Matters: Stepsons!? |
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Stepsons!?
