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Across the Fence:  Jokes and Funnies...  |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 18 2005 : 10:16:04 AM
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This is a good one and I thought you'd all get a good chuckle from it! 
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area”, he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you”, says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am”, and he left.
Never argue with a woman who reads.
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Edited by - Clare on Apr 18 2005 10:17:16 AM |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2005 : 11:48:59 AM
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I love that one and will be passing it along...cute!!!
Jenny in Utah
Bloom where you are planted! |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2005 : 2:31:15 PM
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Good one Clare! I like your sense of humor! My husband said that woman in the boat must be related to me! VERY amusing!
with a happy heart |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2005 : 11:59:09 AM
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I hope this is not offensive to anyone! I got it in an email today.
Three women, a German, a Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly they all heard a beep. The German woman held up her wrist and looked at it and told the others that was her pager - she had a microchip embedded in her arm. After another minute a phone rang. The Japanese lady held her hand to her ear and spoke for awhile, and then told the others that was her cell phone - she had a microchip implanted in her hand. The hillbilly felt completely out of touch with the technological saavy of her companions, and had an idea. She went into the restroom and returned with a noticeable amount of toilet paper streaming behind her. The other two women looked at her in surprise. She just smiled and said, "Why, lookie here, I do believe I am getting a fax!"
jpbluesky
"Keep us here, all simply in the springing of the year." From A Prayer in Spring by Robert Frost |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2005 : 12:12:15 PM
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| Funny Jeannie!, especially since I relate more to the hillbilly!....the high-tech world has left me behind, so to speak! haha. |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2005 : 1:07:47 PM
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I related to the hillbilly, too. Give me low tech, natural ways of doing things anyday. Sort of wish I lived in the hills!
jpbluesky
"Keep us here, all simply in the springing of the year." From A Prayer in Spring by Robert Frost |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2005 : 1:09:26 PM
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Oh, and great pun ....took me the second read to get it....and now I am laughing!
jp |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2005 : 2:35:22 PM
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If you own a cat, or rather a cat owns YOU, you'll be able to relate to this funny story from Cheryl-Ann Millsap.... My cat does the same darn thing.... she's kinda of my alarm clock too... and when she decides not to be, I always run late in the morning! Enjoy!
http://www.spokesmanreview.com/tools/story_pf.asp?ID=67127
****Gardener, Stitcher, Spiritual Explorer and Appreciator of all Things Natural****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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Eileen
True Blue Farmgirl
1199 Posts
Eileen
USA
1199 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2005 : 09:47:54 AM
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Clare,
This is definitely a funny!!! I have a cat alarm clock too. Last night she refused to come in at bed time. She woke me up at 12:05 am wanting in and then as if morning were here wanted me to feed her!!! I told her if she hadn't been lucky in the mouse department it wasn't my fault and she better stop the yowling or she would not need breakfast at all, ever!!!
She sulkily crept into the living room and plunked her corpulant self down with a sigh and glared at me. Next thing I know she was yowling at the bedroom door at 4:55 am a full half hour before I had to get up!!! She got locked in the bathroom for the next half hour but I did not get any sleep due to her constant attempts to open the door from the inside by putting her paw under and pulling, it rattles the door a lot. It might have been easier to have fed her at midnight, but I do not want to start something I will have to continue doing.
Cats!
Eileen
songbird; singing joy to the earth |
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cecelia
True Blue Farmgirl
497 Posts
cecelia
new york
USA
497 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2005 : 6:04:19 PM
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Cat alarms clocks do exist! Mine will also not go to bed until everyone in the house is upstairs too. He sits and stares at you until you go up to bed. He will wake us up only if his food dish is empty, but sometimes if he's cold, he'll get into bed, wake me up and climb in under the covers and put his head on my pillow, purr and go back to sleep.
As far as cats owning us - I read somewhere that if you have a dog and tell him to do something, he just does it; cats, on the other hand, take a message and will get back to you!
Cecelia
ce's farm
"Curiosity is one of the forms of feminine bravery" Victor Hugo |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2005 : 12:25:02 PM
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Here's a good one by Cheryl-Anne Milsap. Not a joke, but a true life experience you just have to laugh about, or you'll cry!
http://www.spokesmanreview.com/tools/story_pf.asp?ID=75634
****Gardener, Stitcher, Spiritual Explorer and Appreciator of all Things Natural****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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cecelia
True Blue Farmgirl
497 Posts
cecelia
new york
USA
497 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2005 : 8:23:07 PM
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Exercise tip for the elderly: walking is good, but we all need upper body strength as we get older. Try this: get two 5# potato sacks, keep them at arm's length, raise them slowly up and down. After a couple of weeks, do the same with 10# sacks. After a couple of more weeks, add the potatoes to the sacks and start lifting them again!
Cecelia
ce's farm
"Curiosity is one of the forms of feminine bravery" Victor Hugo |
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Eileen
True Blue Farmgirl
1199 Posts
Eileen
USA
1199 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2005 : 3:31:15 PM
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Oh good! Laughter! The very best kind of medicine. I heard the pototoe one with quart and gallon milk jugs used. Still funny!
Eileen
Here is one I got today from a friend.
Roses & Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just
pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager
wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
songbird; singing joy to the earth |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2005 : 3:38:45 PM
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Too funny, girls!
****Gardener, Stitcher, Spiritual Explorer and Appreciator of all Things Natural****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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Mollie
True Blue Farmgirl
88 Posts
88 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2005 : 3:44:50 PM
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This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney and Women over 30 years old:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to
ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And,
it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she
knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman
over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk and/or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have
to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy, relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you: Nowadays
80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's
not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
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mollymae
True Blue Farmgirl
694 Posts
Molly
Visalia
California
USA
694 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2005 : 08:38:34 AM
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I love that, Mollie! Being a "woman over 30" I can really appreciate all of what he had to say 
Cead Mile Failte,
Molly
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." --Henry David Thoreau
**When life throws scraps your way ~ Make a Quilt!**
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2005 : 12:40:35 PM
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CHOCOLATE MATH!!!
CHECK THIS OUT.......... YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute ...
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
It's fun... (AND A LITTLE SPOOKY!)
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4.Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 ....
If you haven't, add 1754.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS.
****Gardener, Stitcher, Spiritual Explorer and Appreciator of all Things Natural****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2005 : 1:03:08 PM
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Get your hands off that cookie" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Kay - Living in Beautiful Washington State
North Clark County Farmgirls and
Sisterhood of the Traveling Art |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2005 : 08:51:37 AM
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- Laughter is the best medicine-
THE BIRDS & THE BEES IN THE COMPUTER AGE
A little boy asks his mother, "Mum how did I get here?"
The mother replies, "I first found your dad in a chat room on google - we organised a blind date via email and we met at a cybercafe. Next time we met we activated your dad's hard drive. We got so carried away we forgot to use a firewall and oops it was too late to press the delete button! Nine months later we received a pop up which read 'you got male'!
****Gardener, Stitcher, Spiritual Explorer and Appreciator of all Things Natural****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2005 : 08:21:07 AM
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Old Harold
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error?
"What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread." - German Proverb |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2005 : 09:21:35 AM
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Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet ......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
And my all time favorite:
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child!
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
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JoyIowa
True Blue Farmgirl
273 Posts
Joy
273 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2005 : 09:36:14 AM
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O goody, I'm still a child! Actually I live along the old Lincoln highway (US 30). Just east of a tiny town called Montour, there is still a Burma Shave jingle.
Dim your lights
behind a car,
Let folks know
how bright you are
Burma Shave
I love to drive this road and do quite frequently on the way to my school. It is still a two lane road that is totally surrounded by country. It is my dose of reality each day.
To live without farm life is merely existing, to live with farm life is living life to it very last experience. |
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Fabulous Farm Femmes
True Blue Farmgirl
792 Posts
Diane
Lakebay, Tacoma
WA
792 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2005 : 11:29:46 PM
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| Thanks Clare for reminding me of those fun and silly Burma Shave signs. My husband, who is a deputy sheriff in traffic is going to use some of those in his class lesson plan! He will soon be teaching 15 year olds how to drive! Yikes. |
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Barn Goddess
Farmgirl in Training
29 Posts
Mary Jane
Henry
Virginia
USA
29 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2005 : 4:50:49 PM
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Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practice like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford:
The receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurses's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Finally the doctor arrived and did a quick glance at Buford's naked body. He said, "Where do you have the shingles?" Buford said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2006 : 9:29:09 PM
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The Farmer's TV:
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that
they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV
on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch, he tried the TV again but
still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads, he called
the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the
farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem:
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
Humor is the prelude to faith and Laughter is the beginning of prayer. -- Reinhold Niebuhr
http://farmstyle.blogspot.com
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2006 : 08:05:45 AM
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Oh, Thanks Clare for posting these. Joy, I live not too far from the Lincoln Highway too- The place I work is right on it. What fun! We were out of town for the Lincoln Highway garage sale this year, can't wait till next year if they do it again.
In our area they just finished a US30 bypass around a couple of small towns, so the old Lincoln highway is getting quieter.
quote:
Originally posted by JoyIowa
O goody, I'm still a child! Actually I live along the old Lincoln highway (US 30). I love to drive this road and do quite frequently on the way to my school. It is still a two lane road that is totally surrounded by country. It is my dose of reality each day.
To live without farm life is merely existing, to live with farm life is living life to it very last experience.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Across the Fence: Jokes and Funnies... |
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Jokes and Funnies...
