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Family Matters:  I am in such a bind right now and I don't know  |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 7:50:37 PM
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which way to go. Maybe some insight from someone outside my family can help. it seems kinda like a small problem but for me it is not. I have 3 labs. 2 female and 1 male. I always intended to breed them but the last 2 times my male was young and did not know what to do. I promised a puppy to my grandson who is now 16, almost 17. He will be a senior this coming up year. My grandson and the present time lives with his dad and step mother. I do not like his step mother. She has not always been the nicest person to my grandson. anyway, my one dog finally got pregnant and had puppies. I let him pick one out and I have it for him. it is now ready to go but in the last few weeks I have learned that his step mother when I first told my GS that my dog was having puppies said she did not want one coming to her house. Now all of a sudden she is ok with it but as a family dog not a present for my GS. When he leaves next year and goes back to living with my daughter it has to stay at my GS's dads and his stepmothers house. when I first told my GS I finally had one for him his dad said, "and who is going to pay for the shots and neutering"? so I told my GS I would take care of that as part of his present. So anywho, I am now giving their family an expensive dog and all that comes along with the first year of life of one. but the gift I was suppose to be giving my GS is now not his, It is their families. That was not the deal. I love dogs and this puppy is just the sweetest thing. it is a white lab and those are not easy to come by.
I want to give this gift to my Wonderful GS but frankly over the years I have come to really not like his dad so much and I really do not trust or like his stepmother...My stomach has been in knots over this. if I back out now and don't give it to him, I hurt my GS, but if I do it is not his anyway. I really believe that his stepmother had a fit that my GS was being given a really nice dog and so to appease her her husband said ok, it will be a family dog. This step mother has always been so jealous of my GS because he is not hers and her husbands but from his first relationship ever with my daughter. She would not let my grandson one time wear clothes my daughter had bought her own son because if we can't afford nice clothes like that then he can't wear his either. and that is just the beginning of things she has done to my grandson. so I feel like I am in the middle of her insecurities again and she will end up having my GS present and maybe not treating the puppy all that well. I really don't like how she has treated her own child .I know it is only a puppy but I care where each one of my puppies go and what family they go to and how their whole life will be. I told my GS I could keep it here till next year when he moves back in with his mom, but just like any kid they are seeing today not the next 10 he won't have him... Am I being stupid being so protective
over this puppy. I don't want to hurt my GS feeling but man this has put me in an aweful spot!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - Beverley on Sep 09 2012 8:37:11 PM |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 8:09:44 PM
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Crud, Beverley, that's a heck of a mess. I assume your GS has stepsiblings? And your daughter lives too far away for the dog to stay with her, but be his? Not a great option, but you would retain control of the animal.
Best of luck. This isn't going to be easy.
Marianne |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 8:36:13 PM
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the problem is I probably would not retain any control once it leaves my house unless I wanted to take legal action of some sort. so that is why I have to figure this out now. My GS has one half brother that is 6 I think. My daughter has just moved back to michigan from california but not close enough to her son for him to finish 12 th grade at the school he is going to. so my GS would like to stay there to finish this out with his friends. He really does not want to live with his dad and especially his step mother but at this age finishing high school comes first. The only reason he is living at his dads was because my daughter's husband had to move to california for his job and the FOC did not want to let my GS go, since his father fought letting him move. But now the company her husband works moved them all back... My daughter already has 3 dogs so she really can't take him with the restrictions in her city...He can stay with me but I do live up north , where my GS lives down below detroit.about a 4 hour drive. it's a mess. I really feel bad about the whole thing...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 05:51:39 AM
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Yikes- I don't know. Would the pleasure he gets from the puppy over the next year outweigh him possibly losing the puppy when he leaves- or could he make a stand and demand to take his dog? Maybe if you talk it over with him he would be willing to wait one more year so he can have his forever dog after he leaves his dad's house?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 09:01:57 AM
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This is a messy situation. No answers. just that the puppy is the only one who has no choice in all this. Everyone else can adjust their expectations. but the dog is the one who has no say.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 09:19:18 AM
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have you talked with GS about what he thinks?????
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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machick
True Blue Farmgirl
60 Posts
Diana
Park City
Kansas
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 10:27:31 AM
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yes..I would talk to GS. better to wait it out and have the pet he has always wanted then to give it to a family and have to leave it there. I feel for you all. Will pray it all works out. Let us know.
May your bobbins always be full!!! |
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MiaBella
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Michelle
New Caney
TX
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 10:59:07 AM
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Have a long talk with the grandson. Also, you can register the dog with AKC in HIS name. If it comes down to it, and you have to go to court, you will have paperwork that states your GS is the owner.
Also, make sure you tell the dad and step-mother that if for ANY reason they can't keep the dog, you will take it back. Hopefully, it won't come to that but at least they will know that is an option.
I breed Rhodesian Ridgebacks and care about where each puppy goes. Every buyer signs a contract and they are interviewed via email, phone and in person before they purchase. So, I have an idea of where you are coming from on that front.
Also, there is a lot of time between now and when your GS moves back to his mom's house so maybe by then, the dad and step-mother won't care if he takes the dog with him. Positive thinking helps sometimes! :-)
Michelle
Farmgirl Sister #4097
MiaBella Farm
New Caney, TX
www.miabellafarm.com |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 12:52:30 PM
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I have talked to my GS and of course he wants it now because he is a kid and can not really think beyond right this minute to next year when he has to leave it behind. I wish his dad and step mother would tell their younger son, you know what if you help your big brother with his this year ,then next year we can get you one. I have even thought Of giving them another one for him so my GS can have his but then again, I feel like I am knuckling under to a bully his step mother and I am out more money. I can honestly say they would probably make him sign the akc paperwork over to them. So I could not say it was his anymore. and my other thought is that you know "do I want to raise another puppy " that is where I am at if I do not let it go. my stomach is in knots...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2012 : 8:43:21 PM
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Beverley what is your GS's plan after highschool? If he is going on to college, the dog wouldn't be able to go. If he moves into an apt., maybe the dog could go, but labs don't really belong in apartments...
If you registered the dog's birth with AKC in your gs's name, would that prove ownership?
Marianne |
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erowease
True Blue Farmgirl
294 Posts
Lesley
Edmonds
wa
USA
294 Posts |
Posted - Jun 29 2012 : 07:04:42 AM
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My concern would be on how well they would take care of the dog. I think you need to sit down with your grandson, explain the situation and tell him that you will keep the dog at your house so you can make sure he is well taken care of, gets trained properly etc. and then when he is able to have the dog as his own he will be able to come get him. The first few years of a puppy's life is so important to their future.
I would always be afraid that the stepmom would one day give the dog away.
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Jun 29 2012 : 08:29:57 AM
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My two cents.....for whatever that's worth...I know you love your grandson and you want to give him this puppy, but I think the puppy should be your main concern. You're grandson is going to be leaving his father's house soon. Then what? Will the dog be left in a house where you think he may not be loved as much as he should or bounced around from place to place? You used the phrase "I know it's only a puppy." I can tell that you do not feel that they are "only puppies" and that you love them and care where they go, but it seems like your grandson's stepmother might think of it as just a dog. I don't think that would be fair to the dog because people who view them as just that tend to see animals as disposable.....not as a companion or creature that has feelings. I think people who view animals as "just animals" have no business in "owning" one. Like someone else mentioned...the first few years of a dogs' life is crucial for training and bonding so the dog feels secure. I know your grandson really wants this dog...my gosh, how could he not? The love and loyalty one can give is an amazing thing, but I think he is old enough to understand the situation if you lay all the cards out on the table. Unless you can pretty much guarantee that this dog will have a stable environment....I wouldn't put him in this situation. That's just my thoughts though......
Emily |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jun 29 2012 : 10:02:52 AM
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My GS's dad and I have always been able to talk so I emailed him and laid out my concerns to him. He said that my GS was welcome to take it with him when he left and that I should not worry because the dog would be very loved and well taken care of. I have known him for 18 years and I know his parents and I know he will make sure the dog is well taken care of. So I do believe him. I made him promise if for any reason they can not keep him , that I will take him back and he agreed to that. I know when my GS dad was growing up they had a beautiful dog and they took very good care of it until it became really old and had to be put down, so I know he values animals. so I told him next year if my grandson decides to take it with him that I would help them get another one for their other son after he has had this year to help his brother with his and learn about taking care of one. I know that his mom would do the same for my other grandchildren cause she is like that. so I think we have it all worked out and I was glad I talked to him. Sometimes talking through other people you don't get the right story. so for now I think I feel much better about the whole thing. time will only tell.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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SpyChicken
True Blue Farmgirl
436 Posts
Christine
Fond du Lac
WI
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2012 : 3:32:39 PM
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| I definetely agree with some of the other farm girls when they suggest that you have a discussion with your grandson and go from there. Maybe the two of you can work something out that's beneficial for everyone concerned (including the puppy). |
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2012 : 5:12:17 PM
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| I am worried for the puppy. Please think about what is best for the puppy who can not speak up for himself. Why can't you keep the dog and say it is your GS's. If you have a gut feeling about the stepmother go with that. |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2012 : 5:54:29 PM
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make a deal with him for a pup out of a future litter, and when that time comes, see if he wants or is even able to take a dog on...oh, and as long as he is a minor, being registered in his name might not stand up in court, you could do a co-owner title of you and him...but my gut tells me you know in your heart the right answer and that is...wait and do not subject this pup to drama and tramua
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2012 : 1:18:13 PM
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| I agree with Tina. That sounds like the best advice. |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 4:32:06 PM
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Ok, I'm sorry you're in this mess. Step in laws, in laws, and family in general are difficult to deal with on any given day of the week. Frankly, I'm going to be very blunt. It's just my nature. Most young adults are not very responsible with their pets. I'm not saying that your gs is that way nor am I implying it. I was a vet tech for 7 1/2 years and have seen alot. Most of the time, young adults go to college. Colleges do not allow pets unless they are service pets. Secondly, most apartments don't allow pets. Thirdly, most first time jobs do not pay more than minimum wage or a few cents more. So basically, step mom is going to be the one caring and paying for the dogs expenses while gs is at college. When he's home for the summer, he's going to be working and partying when he can. Sadly, the dog is going to suffer. And even if gs doesn't do any of the above, who is going to pay for the routine and emergency visits? Most young adults are 17/18 going on 12/13.
Sorry to have hurt you
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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mrstinylady
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
CO
15 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 5:31:58 PM
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Dog groomer here, hope you don't mind me chiming in. Your situation stinks because the outcome could go any number of ways, good and bad or one way now; one way later!
Are the dad and stepmom UNWILLING to pay for vet bills in all this? If so, I'd give grandson the option for his life with a dog when his life is his own and he enjoys that responsibility and freedom. Did you know that you can usually find half a dozen free or NEARLY free vets who do services via funds from organizations, etc. You would have to track them down, get info, and deliver it with pup. Call pet professionals (including Humane Society/Dumb Friends) for these foundations. They almost always say that they will spay & neuter for free with your last income tax statement. If THAT doesn't allow dad and stepmom to take control of dog ownership, then I think I would take a pass. People who won't take responsibility are usually good with responsibilities since they are too busy deflecting it off onto others!
The conversation with Grandson and Dad lets them know YOU are serious, but I would throw in a real clincher then let the chips fall where they may. What I have in mind is that little overlooked challenge to human nature: dog training lessons! If grandson is well trained, he'll accidentally train everybody else and the dog will be spared a lot of grief!!!!!!!!!!!!! He can go to lessons with the entire family as well and this is the bill you would foot, not the life of vet bills. The great news is that a dog trained with just basics are rarely disposed of and enjoyed by even those who prefer to live a life that excludes animals (gasp!). Get your recommendation from a pet professional and see how well your grandson does with this mission (and make it essential that he gets the dog with graduation of training). There is nothing worse than a neglected dog that isn't socialized or walked or trained or fed decently. You CAN avoid going there, and if that's where you leave it, then I, personally, would feel satisfied in giving him one of life's best gifts.
ANOTHER thought: I have totally poor people who can't pay for grooming, so we barter! The vet that comes to my shop 1x mo barters too and she and I barter with each other and with our own and each others' customers (really!) for all kinds of stuff. We both have the family work off the TIME rather than the money involved, because they are less likely to abuse you and your time and grow to appreciate hard work traded for hard work. Often with under-working families, no one actually knows w-o-r-k these days. Your grandson could volunteer time in a barter for the services of a local vet too or even the trainer. I even traded a free groom against having the puppy learn to walk on a leash without pulling and responding to his name and being able to sit--all inside a 2 1/2 week window that included several walks per day--otherwise they bring me cash for the groom. Right there with that challenge, people will show you what they are made of. I change the game plans with each appt to keep them on their toes (after initial abuse) and I EXPECT and DEMAND results just by the agreements I make. Once I got the hang of this, it all worked out better than I would have guessed. This last family refers tons of customers my way and has good PR about me and my shop every time the subject comes up. They stop by to say hello and bring food and gifts from their hearts. So it works in many ways.
Hope this helps. I really want this to work out without regrets. |
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mrstinylady
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
CO
15 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 5:34:56 PM
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Oops . . .
People who won't take responsibility are usually NOT good with responsibilities since they are too busy deflecting it off onto others! |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 9:29:41 PM
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well my grandson is not the kind to go off and neglect the dog. He would give it back to me first. He has straight A's babysits for his brother and is really a Very good kid. I have raised to teenagers myself and he out does both of them at his age. His dad is also very reliable and so there I do not worry. I have looked into neutering and have found that my shelter does it for the least amount and I give the dogs their shots myself and he will get his rabies when he is neutered at 4-5 months. I always have mine done before 6 months for males. His mom pays for most of anything of her sons so I know the dog will have the money if need be to go for other visits. My grandson knows that the dog comes back here if he sees anything he does not like so when he goes off to college he has the option of bringing it back here. Since I have talked to his dad directly and made my concerns to him and he has talked to me frankly I feel much better for the situation all around. so today the puppy went with my grandson to see how it will all work out. He has already called and talked to me about how things are going and I am going down next week to check on things. so I am going to keep a really good eye on the situation. so I really think my worries are behind me and things will work out.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 9:31:41 PM
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oh yes I have told his dad and him to take him to puppy training and then to OB. training and for the whole family to go , so they can all see how to do it. so I will keep checking if they have signed him up for that also. I believe everyone should do that with their pets.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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mrstinylady
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
CO
15 Posts |
Posted - Jul 22 2012 : 2:50:05 PM
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Beverley, You are right! Your troubles are WAY behind you on this! I hope you and your grandson end up making dog cookies every Christmas!
P.S. Your farm pictures are so charming! |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
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MtnGrlByTheBay
True Blue Farmgirl
171 Posts
Erin
Lexington Park
MD
USA
171 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 07:33:09 AM
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EDITED... should have read all replies first. Sorry. Best part I read, "... I'll take the dog back if it doesn't work out." That is the responsible part of being a breeder, and I give you mucho kudos for that!!!
But I'll go ahead and leave what I orginally wrote:
Emily Ana, I couldn't have put it ANY better. I'm an animal rescuer, but I TRY to understand the POV of breeders too,as my own father was a breeder for most of my life. Seriously... well put.
I bite my tongue when I HUMBLY say this: Let's pretend the pup's name is Charley. So let's pretend Charley is a AKC registered black lab pup and was purchased for a girl by her boyfriend. However, the relationship ended and she no longer wants the pup, so she gives it to a Labrador Rescue. So let's pretend Charley's picture is on "Lab Rescue's" website as an adoptable pup. Now, let's meet, "Dave." Dave is 17 and he just LOVES Charley. He submits an application for Charley, and somehow convinces his family to co-sign for Charley, since he's not a legal adult. Dave knows his family isn't fond of dogs, and Dave doesn't know what he's going to do after High School. All Dave knows is that this is a cute pup, and boy, wouldn't it be fun do teach it a few tricks to show his buddies?
Do you think the Lab Rescue would approve this adoption APPLICATION?
^^^I'm a RidgeRunner, and will always feel best when surrounded by the PA mountains.^^^
www.lastlapgang.com |
Edited by - MtnGrlByTheBay on Sep 07 2012 07:38:59 AM |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2012 : 09:35:51 AM
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well they have been doing very well with the pup and all is doing well. They have decided that the puppy will stay at their house after my grandson goes to college and they have been training it to be a well trained dog. so it has been working out. I still would take it back if they decided different.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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Family Matters: I am in such a bind right now and I don't know |
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I am in such a bind right now and I don't know
