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Across the Fence:  Need advice about DH's friends' girlfriend...  |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 07:32:51 AM
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Hubby's good friend (I like him, too) is staying with us for up to a month while he is looking for his own place. I don't think he'll be here long, really, he's out beating the bushes every day and wants to be on his own.
Anywho, my predicament...he has a girlfriend who I wouldn't give the time of day. She seems to have a severe drinking and possibly prescription drug problem. Friend and girlfriend have had law enforcement run-ins, to the point she filed charges against him and would have put him in prison for a mighty long time had she prevailed. Stupid Friend took her back when she somehow backed out pressing the charges. Long story there, I don't know all details but the charges were dropped, he got his firearms back, yada, yada.
I somewhat berated him for taking her back but Friend says 'she needs help'. I say bullpucky.
The upshot...although he hasn't said, I'm halfway afraid he's gonna want her to 'visit' us, if only for a day or so till he finds his own place. Hubby doesn't think she'll show up. Let me tell you, this woman is determined to get her way but she hasn't ran up against me, yet. I'm only concerned because when she doesn't get her way, she seems to set things up and suddenly, she's been abused. Then she files charges and it goes from there.
I don't want this broad anywhere near me. I think Friend is a fool for even talking to her but he's a grown man and can deal with her.
My question (finally), how would you wave her off without hurting Friend?? Personally, I don't have a problem telling him and her straight up "No way you're in my home, go away" but thought I'd run this by you gals and maybe there is another way??
What say you?? 
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 07:43:44 AM
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| That's your home and you are so kind to let him stay with you, so I think you should just tell him she is not welcome, she sounds like big trouble you and your family don't need, good luck. Roxanna |
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magnoliakathy
True Blue Farmgirl
453 Posts
Kathryn
Magnolia
Texas
USA
453 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 07:43:54 AM
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Your house, your rules. You can see trouble coming, so do what you have to do to protect your and yours. Friend, can do what he wants with this "problem" at his place when he gets one. Stand up and say "NO" Good Luck.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 07:48:16 AM
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Thank you for your replies. That's what I thought but sometimes I can be a bit too abrupt (it comes with age). I'm trying to tone it down and be supportive of Friend, just not girlfriend. Hubby's friends' wife died several years ago and it's like he sprang from a cage and picked this nitwit, now he's hooked. I'm not into enabling.
Thank you again!!
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 09:06:06 AM
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Winona - I'm with you and the girls. Stand your ground. Helping Friend out is a really great thing, but you don't have to live his drama. :) You GO girl! - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 09:35:45 AM
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just a thought, but have you thought about trying to help this women, does not mean you have to let her into your home, but maybe trying to help her get into rehad...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 10:08:53 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by oldbittyhen
just a thought, but have you thought about trying to help this women, does not mean you have to let her into your home, but maybe trying to help her get into rehad...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"
Yep, I've thought of it but is seems she has a whole history of 'being helped'. There are some people who like being as she is, and, I guess it's a good thing Friend is there for her. But he has to deal with the consequences, too, when she has a flare-up. I have found, through personal interaction in doing what you suggested that being a meany is a lot of the time the path to take. My normal mode is enabling and understanding, etc, etc. Now I call it like I see it and let the chips fall where they may. Somehow it all works out better in the long run. I feel like if someone can dish it out, they should learn to be prepared to have it dished back. If this were a kid or overwhelmed woman going through this, I'm more inclined to help, not a repeating offender (the best term I can think of at the moment).
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 12:00:14 PM
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Give em both the boot Winona, they're bad news. I'm sure you have warm feelings for this fellow from before but sounds like he might be different now. If they are into meth they can be dangerous, both of them. We all have problems and we all have to work out our own problems. As Dr. Phil says "people do what works" and if it works for them to sponge off of you and your hubby then they will. He also says "people will do what you let them do" Please be careful Sweetie.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
Edited by - crittergranny on Jun 09 2012 12:03:28 PM |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 12:51:44 PM
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Winona, yep. I am agreeing with all. Be honest with Friend and tell him your concerns and that this woman is not to come to the house. And I would go one step further and tell him about AlAnon which is for codependent people like him who keep taking back alcoholic/drug addict relationships, thinking it will be 'different' this time. AND if he is involved in drugs or alcohol too, then HE needs to go to AA or be out on the street. Either way, he needs help as much as she does!! So stand your ground, woman!! :-)
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 2:41:57 PM
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Thanks for all replies. I'm 99.9999% sure he's not doing anything while he's here. But, the co-dependent thoughts are closer than I like to think. I didn't think about that or what it was called. Another thing these posts made me think (although nothing has happened yet) when he moves here to the area...she will soon follow, I'm guessing. Egads, I didn't think of that before... Yep, may have to nip this in the bud soonest. At least hubby knows in NO uncertain terms she is not welcome here and don't EVEN think about inviting her to visit/dinner/etc.
I knew I could count on you gals to help me sort this out!!
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2012 : 8:30:16 PM
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Yep, everyone has been on target on this one. Just a thought for "friend"..she definately needs help but unless he is a therapist it shouldn't be help from him. Even if there are no drugs involved the thought of his guns with her alcohol problem is dangerous. You're doing the right thing. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 05:26:06 AM
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Oh, boy. Here's the latest. Grab a cool one (Corona or Pepsi, your choice), sit back and enjoy this. Last evening we three were sitting on the deck watching the grass grow and solving the world's problems when hubby came up with a *brilliant* idea to introduce him to a semi-distant neighbor who can be, let's just say classless (curses like you wouldn't believe, I mean the $10 word, every other word to the point I want to rip my hair out...or hers) but has a boatload of money. I informed him of her shortcoming (classlessness) and he dropped the bomb he likes women that way (classless, rich or both?). Well...okay! There you have it. In a nutshell. Goes to show, people can have unplumbed depths of which you may never know.
Yikes.
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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Jeanna
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Jeanna
Franklin
NC
USA
267 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 07:14:37 AM
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I agree with everyone else. Be honest with your husbands friend. Explain that you do not mind him there and that his life is his life but since he is living with you at the moment that you have to tell him that she is not welcome. Just tell him that you do not need the kind of drama that seems to follow her around. Tell him you wish them both the best in whatever they decide to do, be it together of separate but the answer is still no to her coming to your house. Wish you all the luck.
Jeanna
Farmgirl Sister #41
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 5:33:07 PM
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Yes unplumbed depths, but then maybe if he gets with the rich one he'll be out of your hair..lol.
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 6:22:45 PM
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Unplumbed depths? I'm think "Oh yeah! There's a codependent for you!" Pretty on the surface if you ask me! :-) The boy needs help but may have to hit a brick wall before he yells "uncle".
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 7:39:57 PM
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I agree with Mary Beth. Seems he has a codependent "rescue" gene and is definately not what you need. Let's hope he finds a place soon. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 7:56:16 PM
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It gets better. Long story short...he was talking with her today and I overhead some noises along the lines of 'when you get here'. Then after hanging up, he says he's worried about her and her drinking problems. You guys would have been so proud of me, I pounced on that like a hen on a junebug and said I had zero sympathy for 'drinking problems' and she needs to woman up and take personal responsibility.
Here's the good part...he actually came over to the table (we were all sitting on the deck) and told me to 'SH'!! I stared back and replied that he did NOT 'SH' me! We had a quite spirited convo about never SH-ing me again! I laid out how I felt and he did back down. Hubby was surprisingly quiet...
So, after the spirited convo, I'm betting I/we don't have to worry about girlfriend showing up.
(As an aside, I know all the arguments about alcoholism being a 'disease' and AA and Al-anon and yada, yada. I used to go to the meetings for several years.)
Anywho, this is getting pretty entertaining....
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2012 : 7:59:16 PM
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....and I'm feeling a little guilty, not much, just a smidge, that I'm ready for him to find that spot, plunk down his roots and he can co-depend all he'd like.
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 03:18:57 AM
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Let go of the guilt. Don't think twice about not being Shushed in your own home...seriously! You did great. And your dh's silence was quiet support.
Best of luck. It isn't an easy situation.
Marianne |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 07:14:28 AM
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Thank you, thank you. Deborah, no kids in the home, all are out on their own (YAY!!). :-)
I'll keep everyone updated if anything interesting or terribly fun comes to pass. Thanks to all for the support and truly I feel I have done the right thing, even from the bottom of my gut. I'm still a little miffed over being shushed but I'm proud I stuck up for myself and did not allow myself to become a victim. Yay me!! :-)
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 07:35:13 AM
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Oh yeah, a SH. It's war now! I had a doctor SH me once concerning my father when I was taking care of him. I followed him to every room of the clinic cornering him and nippin his butt all the way. He avoids me like the winter itch when he sees me now. I hope he's not on call if I get taken in on emergency someday...lol. He'd probably smother me. That is really disrespectful of him to do that to you Winona. I know it's hard but maybe hubby needs to give him the boot.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 09:22:35 AM
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The mental picture of him, shushing you was priceless!! I hope you let him have it.
I have a neighbor who is so co-dependent that he will even let a girl who is homeless drop by and stay whenever she feels like it. I swear that it is a revoling door of messes. As long as they give him beer, he will let them do anything. Plus his kids are there off and on. They are like 8 and 5. What a Jerry Springer show it is.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.flossesandcrosses.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 9:42:41 PM
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NO SHing allowed!! You done good, girl! Hope he moves out soon. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2012 : 4:22:42 PM
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| It's good that you stood up to him. I think I'd also ask my husband to have a "man-to-man" chat with him about her not being welcome there. Your husband reinforcing what you already said should do the trick. I'm not sure why, but men always listen, and hear, other men better than they hear/listen to women. |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2012 : 5:42:16 PM
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well I gotta chime in, if someone shushed me in my home, well lets just say I would have kicked him to the curb, and thats 3/4 of a mile away and its dirt...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2012 : 6:03:16 PM
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Proud of you Winona!! And you are right, disease or no, personal responsibility is what it is all about when it comes to "aholisms". And Friend has to take personal responsibility too. I guess he thinks he's God because he is gonna fix this girl. I'm afraid he ain't!!!! :-)
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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Across the Fence: Need advice about DH's friends' girlfriend... |
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Need advice about DH's friends' girlfriend...
