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Family Matters:  Part-Time Mommy  |
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 6:35:02 PM
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I always identify myself as a mom, but that is really only half the story. There has been nothing in my life more heartbreaking than being a loving, devoted mother on the losing side of a custody battle.
I have spent the past SIX YEARS fighting for my kids, my main problems being that I am such an idealist (which to the wonderful world of legal courts is a nice way of saying 'naive,' or even 'ignorant'). The result has been that I see my babies every other weekend during school and six weeks during the summer, plus we switch holidays every other year. (Tonight is one of those heart-wrenching Sunday nights when I have to deal with them being gone again...) I have never given up hope that one day things will turn around, even though he has had me in court almost the entire six years. I am so tired! 
I try to look at it like this: Being the "Fun-Time Parent" means that my kids and I value each other more than we ever could if we were a "Business As Usual Family." In the summers when things start to fall into a routine and at times I find myself getting aggravated with them more than I normally would, it just goes to show me that I probably wouldn't be myself around them if the situation were reversed.
I always listen to them without judging. I go out of my way to expose them to things their dad would never, teaching them how to be self-sufficient, independent thinkers, and helping them follow their passions, even when those passions are off the beaten track (my son loves to dance -- his dad would NEVER, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS LET THAT HAPPEN! Little boys don't do things like that!)
I choose my time with them over my domestic duties during the weekend, except the ones they can help with -- (luckily there is no kind of livestock here yet!) They help me cook and clean and garden, and we build, experiment, laugh, sing, dance, play and snuggle almost every minute of the time they are with me.
I just wonder if this pain is ever going to get better? I usually have 1-3 really hard days when they first leave, and then finally my "Real Life" wins out, and I'm back to being my busy, optimistic, friendly smiling self. I live by Dr. Phil's advice every two weeks: Fake it til you make it.
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 7:37:33 PM
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Sarah, I applaud you for writing. I can share some of your heartache as DH & I both have kids that would rather be with the other parent for different reasons. My oldest DD wanted to stay with her dad because I had rules and he didn't. It was rough but she's 19 now and we are friends. So it does get better. Email me if you want to talk more with someone who's been there.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 05:37:46 AM
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Oh Sarah! My heart goes out to you! What a hard road you are travelling! I think you have the right idea- putting as much quality as you can into the time you get to have. I wish that you had more time with your children! You sound like a great mom. My mom works for an attorney and she says the custody battles always are the hardest and I have seen her cry at home for the pain the families go through. One of my really good frieds at work has had this happen to her- except her ex kept her son away from her for 5 years. It was terrible. I hope that soon you will get more time with your kids. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 09:24:42 AM
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Julie & Alee: Thank you both for your replies & kind wishes. Sometimes I get down on myself, and it makes it easier for me to know that I'm not the only one in this crazy world going through this kind of heartache.
Julie, I am glad to hear that you and your oldest daughter are getting along better now!
Alee -- yes, my ex tried to do the same thing, but he only succeeded in keeping them away from me for five months. If it had been five years I think I would have given up and died of heartbreak! Your friend is a better woman than I! My heart and prayers go out to her -- I bet that her kids will try to find her one day! Even for victims of the most heinous abuses, it is a natural instinct to find their real parents. |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 11:11:44 AM
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Sarah, you're as much of a mom as any of us. Hopefully, you'll be able to increase your time with your kids soon. Im thinking of you!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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Tall Holly
True Blue Farmgirl
2305 Posts
Holly
Worcester
Vermont
USA
2305 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 5:04:08 PM
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Sarah,
I am sorry for your pain. Here in Vermont the children have a say at 12 on which parent they will live with. I have a friend who is a grandmother who lost visitation with her gandchildren when her son was divorced. She would go and have lunch with her grandchildren at school everyweek. It was hard on her grandchildren because if their mother found out then she would have stopped the visits. She would also go to all of the school performances and athletic events. Not much or enough but something.
Hugs to you and strength.
Holly
farmgirl #2499
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jan49829
True Blue Farmgirl
2428 Posts
Janet
Gladstone
Mi.
USA
2428 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 8:20:22 PM
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Sarah, I feel for you. I went through that years ago with my first ex. The friend of the court here got brainwashed by my ex and he was the perfect person, I lived in an apartment, so I had nothing. It is very hearbreaking, but know that your kids love you and are thinking of you. Maybe they will be able to have a choice who they would like to live with. Keep your chin up and tell yourself that you are a good mom, which you are. I think alot of men do that just to make the woman suffer, they like to see women suffer. Good luck to you, dear.
Janet
Farmgirl Sister #3340
http://hardatworkcrafts.blogspot.com
http://Jan49829.etsy.com
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2012 : 06:10:30 AM
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Michelle, your words made me smile this morning. Thank you so much!
Holly, WV has the 12-year old rule, too, but the only guarantee is that the court will take the child's wishes into consideration. My son is 8 and my daughter is 7, so I have a few years to go before that day comes. I'm not going to go too much into the details of what's happened (and ruin this beautiful day? I don't think so!) but one of the things he did was pick up the kids and move DURING an ongoing case, without notifying anyone. The judge was surprised by it -- ready to pounce, but my lawyer didn't even say a single word about it... and now they live 40 miles away. I really hope that next year I can be more involved with their school, on the PTO etc, but with gas prices, I don't know if that will really be possible. (This year my fiance and I only have one vehicle between us & he commutes.)
Janet! My ex STILL does things just to hurt me!, Ignoring my phone calls for days on end, cutting little slices of time here and there, and refusing visits every now and then just because he feels like it. At least (I think) he doesn't do the same controlling bs with his current wife. (As long as he's got me to mess with!)
Thank you all for giving me a place to cry/vent. I really needed it the other night & it has been a real blessing! I haven't carried the heaviness with me; even yesterday I wasn't really weighed down. I do miss them all the time... (sigh)
Have a wonderful blessed day! |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2012 : 10:30:18 PM
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Sarah,
I've lived through your situation. Just know that your kids will remember their time with you and it is important. Nobody wins in divorce. Even when you are certain you are losing, there is still no winner.
Time passes quickly and when your children are older they will see the situation more clearly. Be true to yourself. Try not to badmouth their father and hope for the best.
Good luck,
Marianne |
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Naked on a Mountain Top
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Seana
Durango
CO
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2012 : 08:26:47 AM
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OHHH CRUD!! It sounds so familiar! My X & I split in 1999. Custody was always a mess. But then again so was he. Finally, unable to hold his life together (even though he was remarried) he dropped my 14 yr old son off in the middle of the night in the pouring rain (just like a bad movie) a year and a half ago.
Despite, the years of back and forth houses, thousands of wasted court dollars, and "brainwashing" my son is old enough to see things more clearly.
I was adopted and found my parents in my twenties and we all love each other.
Life has a way of working out. I know how hard it is now to look down that loooong road of the future, but please remember they are YOUR children. They may go through periods of emotional upset, as will you, but in the end everything will come full circle and you will all have each other and love.
Be the strong woman that is hiding deep inside you!!
www.durangodream.blogspot.com |
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lisalisa
True Blue Farmgirl
216 Posts
Lisa
Broomall
PA
USA
216 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2012 : 12:25:51 PM
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Oh, Sarah, what heartbreak for you! My daughter is 23 now, and finally sees what had been going on for all those years. (you're right, why ruin this beautiful day!) It's really the hardest thing to live through.
To me it sounds like you're doing everything right. Just be true to your heart - your kids! They know what's what.
Many hugs and prayers - Lisa |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2012 : 11:11:40 AM
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I'm sorry to hear about this! I pray that things work out for you where you can have a more steady relationship with your children. Fight tooth and nail for them trough all things.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2012 : 2:52:12 PM
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It really makes a huge difference for me just to know that I'm not the only woman who has had this same heartbreak. I think most men would rather just go on about their business, or out of love for their children, let them stay with their mother! but there are some -- as we know -- who are just on a power trip when it comes to their relationships.
And these days in the court system, money is power. It really has nothing to do with justice or what is right.
My fiance bought me a book about how to win your custody war. It actually says in there that the only way to do it is to spend all of your money, and even other people's money! to get your kids. I am not willing to do that. I don't have much, and if I lost it all trying to get them back, or bankrupted my family members -- What good would it do my kids to live with me if I had already spent everything and then some trying to get them here?
Other than that, reading through that 800 page book, he has been in the wrong in so many ways, the kidnapping, the lying, creating false documents, using drugs and drinking, and having the kids around it. And yet, he won because he has the money.
The kids are confused about what has happened, but I know that they can see that their father and I both love them. Of course, I have a hard time calling what he does 'love,' but that's all they know! (For example, My eight year old son actually told me that I could probably get a job if I would just lie more!)
The way I see it, my main responsibility is to keep myself OK so that when they are with me, I can give them the absolute best of me! I believe that I am on the path I'm on for a reason, and it's very hard to swallow, but even though they are my babies, they are really God's children -- on the path that they were meant to be on.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers! It has really helped in the past couple weeks knowing that there were people praying for me and my children. I am so tired of this year after year after year...
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Family Matters: Part-Time Mommy |
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Part-Time Mommy
