| Author |
Family Matters:  Seperation  |
|
Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 09:33:22 AM
|
Laura - you are right. Of course, with a father who is that self-centered and controlling, you have to wonder how deep the scars really are. (If I had spent my entire life doing every possible thing just to try to get love from my dad, my brain might work a little differently, too!) It sounds like this guy is a total *# but unfortunately he is still your FIL, and grandpa to your son.
I want to say one more time that I think counselling is the best thing for both of you... but couples counseling can be raw and uncomfortable at the very least. In the best of all possible worlds, each of you would have your own counselor for a period of time, and then all four people sit down together for the couples counseling process.
Here is a link to the website for The Seven Habits. On the right side of the screen there are links to all the seven habits. I promise you won't be disappointed! There are hints on how to have meaningful conversations, how to make deals that work for both parties, and most importantly, how to be the author of your own life!
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
You are in my thoughts & prayers! |
 |
|
|
MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 12:32:30 PM
|
Lots of prayers. Family can be a very hard challenge. My SIL nearly broke up my hubby and I this past summer. We are happily living away from her now. Contact with her is very limited and I let my Hubby deal with her.
There are some very toxic people in the world and it is very hard to deal with them when they are family.
You will have to set rules about what you will let happen. This is YOUR child and the car seat rule is in stone. It will help if you buy them one, but they must understand that what must happen in order for them to take the child anywhere. My Hubby got into it with my Mom because she kept putting my daughter on her stomach and wrapping her in a blanket. He finally said that she would not be allow to stay with her if she did it again. I stepped up and agreed and that was the end of the discussion.
If you don't have a united team (you and your hubby) then this will only get worse. Seek conselling. You need to get it together first then deal with all the other stuff.
Love and prayers.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.flossesandcrosses.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
|
|
|
|
crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 3:42:15 PM
|
Well I was sort of meaning that PTSD may be coming from having to fight in a war and then come home and be a son. It's hard for the parents sometimes to see them as adults even thought they are, because they didn't see them become adults. I'm just sayin time heals. Don't give up. Trust in God. Don't take it too hard and just focus on your own interests. For me its my horses, they are fun and their hearts are honest and simple.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
|
|
|
walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2012 : 5:00:22 PM
|
Crystal, I have no good advice to give you-just hugs and prayers! I pray God does a mighty miracle in your marriage! That there's reconciliation and a re-committing! :)
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
|
|
queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2012 : 5:03:06 PM
|
Prayers to you and your family. It's hard when you have no friends close to where you live. It's too bad that your in laws couldn't have an "apartment" set up over their garage or something like that so that you and your hubby can have your private time. I would definately go for counsiling even if he doesn't want to. Yes, counsilors will help a spouse if the other one does not want to attend. I would also talk with him about a maximum time to live with your in laws, say no more than 6 mos but out the sooner the better. By then, you should have an idea as to where your marriage is heading and if, unfortunately, you do end the marriage, you could have a stash of money set aside for your own place. HUGSSS to you.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
|
|
|
FaithfulchickWI
Farmgirl in Training
20 Posts
Callie
Orfordville
WI
20 Posts |
Posted - May 26 2012 : 10:08:33 AM
|
I hope things have gotten better for you. If you stay together or go the divorce root it is a long road. I have been there. To echo other posts...counseling for both of you of if he refuses go yourself. I know that I could have not gotten through my seperation..and divorce with out it. Also, If you can get a support system for yourself...friend, family that helps as well. One of the best pieces of advice that I received was to keep your child in your mind in regards to your actions, words, and environment. (they pick up on every thing, which I am sure you are aware)
My heart also aches for you when you say that your in-laws are not helping the situation. I again have first hand experience in this as well. My ex-mother in-law is not a woman who you want against you.
I will be praying that things get better :) |
|
|
|
Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - May 27 2012 : 09:24:46 AM
|
| Sounds like your husband grew up in a harsh environment, where compromise wasn't tolerated, if it was even thought of. Then the military controls on top of that. No wonder he has trouble seeking a middle ground with you. Counseling sure would help. Church or military counselors might just extend the same dualistic thinking into your conversations. Might be better to look for a nonprofit civilian "family service" type of service. Your military counseling service might be able to provide you with a referral that TriCare would then cover. Blessings, dear. War is hell in more ways than one. |
|
|
|
erowease
True Blue Farmgirl
294 Posts
Lesley
Edmonds
wa
USA
294 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2012 : 10:07:55 PM
|
Been there myself after 18 years of marriage. The key that I found was just trying to take one day at a time and work with a counselor to work through all the issues, anger, frustration etc. if hubby will join you, great. If he won't at least go yourself to put yourself on a good path.
Things I did to survive the worst year of my life:
Read the bible every day
Journaled
Wrote scathing letters to vent my anger and never mailed them
Bought a season of Symphony tickets so that I had something positive to look forward to each month. Since money may be an issue try and find something to get you out and socializing with people that makes you feel good.
Made a list at the end of the day of 5 things I was thankful for and I had to tell myself at least one good thing that happened that day. (even if it was just someone saying hello)
Allowed myself to live in the moment and cry if I want to.
Found a church based support group that was experiencing the same stuff.
Read books on recovery
oh and did I mention journaling? I have never written so much in my life but it is what helped me survive. I will probably never read them again and may burn them someday but I found it was a way to dump all that I had and not burden a friend or relation.
Had friends I could call at anytime if the need arose who could help me refocus my thoughts. (I was dealing with deep depression and had to learn how to ask for help when I really needed it.)
I really understand and can relate to the pain and experiences you are going through.
I just recently read a book by Gary Chapman "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". I wish I would have read this years ago, it talks about how each of us has a different love language. It may be worth a read and a starting point to try and work things out.
Lesley
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
|
|
|
erowease
True Blue Farmgirl
294 Posts
Lesley
Edmonds
wa
USA
294 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2012 : 10:22:00 PM
|
Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a Mother that sounds like your FIL. I had to work with a counselor to try and learn how to establish boundaries. It's not easy when its your own mother but I have to put my marriage first. (Hubby #2) It gets hard sometimes because I get caught in the middle which is probably how your husband feels. I think if you both get help in establishing priorities and boundaries you will have a chance to work things out. Just know its going to take time and patience.
Lesley
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
|
|
|
Family Matters: Seperation |
|
Seperation
