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Across the Fence:  Family Dynamics  |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 05:29:08 AM
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I think one of the hardest things about marriage is understanding the spouse's family dynamics. If I didn't love Doug this marriage wouldn't be very compatible I think! My family is I guess really close- I always figured that was just how most families are. We want to visit each other and have holidays with each other. I like to travel but would love if my family came with on most of our trips. When there is a death in the family we all get on the phone and start notifying family members. We have a funeral and grieve together.
The difference betwee Doug and I's family started coming into focus lately when Doug's Dad had a stroke and he was told not to come home. Then a week later his dad's sister died suddenly from an aneurism and he didn't find out until a day after the incident occured and he found out by...facebook.
Now today we are going to the funeral and for the whole weekend we were told that there would be no reception so we made plans to host his dad and brother for lunch at our house. Last night (less than 15 hours before the funeral) we find out that we are some of the select that are invited to a post funeral get-together.
I guess it confuses me and sometimes is hard to understand. We were also told in no uncertain terms that "fancy clothes" are not to be worn. Jeans are preferred.
Doug is pretty upset that he had to find out about his aunt's death in social media so I promised him that I would not make his family find out that way if/when he goes. 
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 05:36:42 AM
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sending you hugs today! families should come with instruction manuals or "welcome wagon" type notebooks shouldn't they!!!!
one hing that i see as a demise to family communication is actually the internet-(and cell phones) while they make communication faster they also make it less personal.
please give doug a special hug from me!
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 05:37:39 AM
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Wow- that is different to me. My family is pretty close, even to extended family. I can't imaging finding something out like that on facebook- just very different to me. My family would be right on the phone and "go into action" from there. Alee- I'm with you on the closeness of the family and do not understand the other side- nor would I care to be there.
I'm sorry for the loss of your loved one- you and your family is in my prayers.
Lori |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 06:10:29 AM
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Oh my goodness, it is difficult to understand our own families let alone our spouses. Facebook really isn't the way to find out such news. So sorry for your dh's pain associated with that. You are doing great Alee by standing by him and saying you will see his wishes honored when the time comes. Good luck this weekend ...
Marianne |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 07:27:40 AM
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Thanks ladies- Doug is doing okay, but I am glad that he is closer to my family's way of doing things than the rest of his family. Sometimes other things like child disciple and things like that cause us to say "Wow- your family is really different than mine!" It's so weird after 11 years of being together that we are still being surprised by some of these things! 
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 07:33:17 AM
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I'm so sorry, Alee--the family dynamic is something I struggle with, too. If Justin had his choice, we would be on some desert island somewhere with none of his family in sight. He digs my mom (for which I'm grateful) but he really doesn't care that much about his own clan.
I'm not sure why "jeans" are preferred and "fancy clothes" looked down upon, unless it was her wish to have a casual environment, but it sounds like they really just don't know how to communicate. Why can't you just let people where what they want to???
Justin and I have been together 11 years, too, Alee and it is really strange to think, "this hasn't changed. I'm still not used to this stuff!". I found myself a few weeks back saying to him, "you need to sort this stuff out with your mom. You're both whacky and I spent an hour of my life on the phone with her, going over stuff I've heard for the last 11 years with no resolve. And I'm finished. Goodnight!" and they've begun talking more, for which I'm grateful ;)
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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chicken necker
True Blue Farmgirl
509 Posts
Sherry
Eastern Shore
Maryland
USA
509 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 08:18:39 AM
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Sounds like my father's side of the family! I didn't find out that my stepmother died until 3 months afterward!!!! Alot of the times, some families are just like that and it's not "personal". Just shake it off!
FarmGirl Sister #123
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 08:24:03 AM
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Alee- I am sorry both you and Doug are going through this. I will say a pray for all of you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Lieberkim
True Blue Farmgirl
839 Posts
Kimberly
Sunnyside
WASHINGTON
USA
839 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 08:36:54 AM
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I hear you. Right now I'm wishing I had married an orphan!
Excuse the mess & the noise, my children are making happy memories |
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magnoliakathy
True Blue Farmgirl
453 Posts
Kathryn
Magnolia
Texas
USA
453 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 09:02:59 AM
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I know how you feel, the worst family slight to my hubby was his mother passing without ever coming to our house after it was built, we had been living here for 6 years, we both offered to drive (40 miles) both ways to bring her for a visit, asked every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and were constantly turned down, but she visited neices/nephew families just 20 miles away, her excuse was I rode with so and so. We were never invited to get-togethers (unless a gift was involved) because he works shift work and no one knew when he would be off, of course no one called to find out either. Bless his heart he is stuck with my family and there are quite a few nuts in my family tree.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 11:47:58 AM
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Wow that is...Alee, I'm sorry to hear about the tragedies in his family. My own family does its best to stay close (there is still finger-pointing about who forgot to tell me when my great-aunt died). Ric's family is just...I don't know. Most of his family is a lot like mine, actually; the only real problem is his mother. I like his mother well enough, but sometimes she blows up at one or the other of us over nothing. In-laws can be the hardest families to grow close to, can't they?
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 12:18:36 PM
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Boy, Alee, how hard to have to deal with illness, death and difficult family situation all in one fell swoop. I hope you can find peace in your situation. My family and my husband's family are very different too and I am finding that I get my support from my family and just don't worry about the other. I can't change them and I can't make them the way I would want them and so I just have to accept them the way they are. And I have to let my husband deal with them in his way. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such difficulties, but just remember that God loves each and every one of us even with our flaws and He works on us in His way. Doug's family is no worse than your family - just different. Hope that helps.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 12:48:50 PM
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Well I know exactly what you allare talking about. Jonni, my husband feels the same way your husband does. If he was a island just him and me he would be happy. My family are close, our parents are gone now . So I think it brought us even closer, even our cousins aunt uncles and their spouses etc.
But my husband's family is dysfunctional to the core. They dont( except 1 sister) know unconditional love is.
The rest of them, their favorite word is (if)you do this ?
We have been married 27 years, and it still bothers me. My husband says he's used to it .
But I try that all I can do.
Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 12:53:10 PM
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Thanks ladies! The service was nice. Several people gave speeches, and then there was a little luncheon at the community center. It was good to see everyone there and getting along. Doug's dad and brother came by to see the house and horse and they are off to go shopping in Billings. I am hoping that communication is better from here on out. I heard a lot of people expressing similar sentiments.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 1:31:30 PM
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Alee,I am so sorry about his family being so on the out. But I pray and hope that things can get better.I know how hard it is. I am in the same situation. About 16 yrs ago. My husband's grandmother died and she was in the same nursing home i work in. The next morning I go in and the girls were all telling me how sorry they were about my
husband's grandmother. I said what are you talking.they told me she died the night before. I was so upset. Called hubby.Make a long story short. Also a uncle died on husband father side at the same time. They said there was just to much going to come and tell us. We lived right across the creek. Six minutes to walk.15 min. to drive. My hubby was upset for a long time about that.
-Marlee-
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 5:25:18 PM
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Alee, I'm so sorry for your loss and how Doug found out about his aunt - that's so, so sad. I know how much more difficult this time can be when family dynamics are involved. I'm sure you're doing the right thing for Doug by giving him lots of extra love and hugs, and the room and time he needs to process and heal. You are such a blessing to him. I have gone through similar things with my in-laws, and have always found great comfort in knowing my husband and I are able to learn from past familial mistakes and offenses, and to ensure we do better for our own family. Hopefully you will find great comfort in that, too. :) Just keep being the blessing you are to all around you, and you'll never have any regrets. You're all right, girlfriend! Hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 6:45:33 PM
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You ladies are full of great wisdom! And as odd as it might sound- it comforts me to know I am not the only one that peers in on the in-law family dynamics and is left confused! I am sure that people probably look at Doug and I and think we are odd too. What is normal to one group is bizarre to another! LOL. I guess that is the true meaning of diversity! I just have to remember to not be too critical about his family. I sure wouldn't like someone criticizing my family all the time ;)
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 7:36:37 PM
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I feel so sorry for Doug, Alee. As messed up as my own family is we do usually do like you said.
I know though that my SIL family was real messed up. She died last year and no one called....my mom is raising her kids! My mother called her mother cause my mom seen it in the newspaper. Her mother only asked my mom for 5 grand to pay for the services. My mom said she could only afford to help her with 2 g! Then my mom called around and found a place that would do every thing for 2 g, which that made SIL mother really mad, and she just wanted the money. Then, after mom gave the 2 g, the mother said that the kids couldn't come to the funeral. They wanted to go to their own mothers funeral and the grandmother said NO way. And wouldn't even tell my mom when or where it was, and just said NO! Her children were deeply hurt by it.
However my mom's been raising the kids for 11 years now, and that grandmother only came to see them one time in that whole 11 years. And she only lives 5 blocks away! My mom used to call her at least once a year and ask if she wanted to come visit them, but after being told no so many times, (I even called her once and she told me never to call her again, her words were, I'm a mean old woman and you don't want to know me and either do the kids, I'm mean and they wouldn't like me any way! I really didn't know what to say to that, no one has ever told me they themselves were so mean their own grandkids wouldn't like them! It was WEIRD! She also said she would just mess things up if she ever came around....ooook, so yeah that was the last time I called her!) But, some people are just weird... I don't know.
Then there's my other SIL, her biological mother is the weird one. After the wedding rehearsal instead of coming to the rehearsal dinner they went to walmart? They were only in town for 3 days for the wedding so we thought they would want to get to know us the other family, that their daughter was marrying! But, her mothers partner (her other "mom" but not her bio mom), seemed to want to have more to do with getting to know us and doing things for her then her bio mom. Her brother was odd too, he was sitting in the house one day with us women, and not that men can't be in the house, I just thought he may enjoy hanging with the guys more, so I told him the guys were in the back shooting at targets if he wanted to go hang out with them, he was reluctant but went, he seen a cat and thought it was a coyote.....um...ok. haha I'm talking a grown man...not a little kid. lol
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 9:46:01 PM
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Alee, I'm sorry for your family's loss. Nini is right. We can only do the best we can within our own immediate family and learn from the mistakes and actions of the past. DH and I both come from HIGHLY disfunctional families. My father lives in the same town but I don't expect I'll know when he passes away until I get a knock on the door from the sheriff or a letter from a lawyer. Sad, I know. But he's a hermit and that's his choice. DH's mother will actually drive through our town to go visit another grandchild and never stops or calls to see DD. DD has FIVE other brothers and sisters who don't care a single bit about her. My brother lives in the next town and I haven't seen him in over a year. It doesn't bother or phase him in the least. It's all so very sad. Sometimes I want to scream. We just have to do the best we can with DD here in our own house and we have more of a "family" with our church.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2012 : 9:20:49 PM
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You are so right Alee, it's very hard to understand a spouse's family dynamics. I know in my case, hubby's family is so totally different from mine. I have a fairly large family, who are all very close, spend all their time together, and would do anything for each other. Hubby has a very small family, who are all manipulators, drama queens, back-stabbers, etc. It's just unreal to me. Needless to say, it's caused conflict between me and hubby on more than one occasion. Actually, the only thing we've ever agrued about is his family {laughing} Guess it takes all kinds.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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Across the Fence: Family Dynamics |
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Family Dynamics
