| Author |
Family Matters:  Good Enough  |
|
|
SunshineDoc
Farmgirl in Training
41 Posts
Mary Ann
Albany
Oregon
USA
41 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 24 2012 : 10:31:38 AM
|
I don’t think anything can be more painful than living every day with the scorching thoughts of: “I’m somehow not OK. I can’t quite figure it out, but I’m sure I need to fix something about me to make me OK.” That’s torture.
This topic has loomed especially large in my mind recently because my mother died last month. Most of us don’t feel perfectly mothered. But a very interesting thing happened when my mother died. She had lived her life as the martyr that the faith in her religion encouraged her to be, and she died the way she had lived —suffering horribly.
Throughout my last two months with her, I focused on trying to release the chains of the patriarchal religion which had so convinced her of her unworthiness. I wanted her to taste what it was like to be mothered in a loving way as she became more and more dependent. At the very end — in the last two days — I held her and rocked her, as her breath became more labored and she could no longer resist. I reminded her: “Right here, God loves you. The Angels are holding you. You did nothing wrong. You are innocent.” She finally began to lighten in the last hour, tears streaming down her face (and mine).
Two nights after that, I bolted straight up in bed. I was feeling the most intense loving, divine Presence. It was my mother! I felt then, and it has been absolutely there ever since, “This is what it is like without all the --.” -- garbage of condemnation. “This is what it’s like to just feel loved!”
What so many of us are dealing with, I’m convinced, is all that garbage wrapped like barnacles around the skin of the feminine. I believe this is true for both men and women. By female energy I mean the soft, receptive, gentle quality of nurturance. I see this deprivation as the real starvation behind so many addictions and pains.
Often, our entrance into the awareness of this Divine Space comes unbidden. It is always there – always available, when we stop agitating against it, believing we have to “do something” to earn it, to deserve it, to find it.
Being loved has as its only prerequisite that we exist.
I blog at http://living-in-harmony2.blogspot.com/
Being mindful is a way of life - and health.
Mary Ann (Wallace) Iyer, MD
www.maryanniyer.com |
|
|
Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2012 : 3:12:27 PM
|
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have closure from your mom.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
 |
|
|
Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2012 : 5:17:23 PM
|
Oh, Mary Ann,
I weep for you and your mother. To have been deprived of the perfect love God promises... I think that's the saddest thing I have ever heard. God's faithful unconditional love is the entire point of Christianity. It's like not being able to see the forest through the trees. I couldn't praise a God who didn't care about me as I am; an imperfect human being.
This is the short version of one of my favorite movies on the subject.
http://youtu.be/VmkXZIwOwTI
The full 30 minute original subtitled movie is on Youtube too.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
|
|
|
Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2012 : 7:49:42 PM
|
Beautifully said, Mary Ann.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
|
|
|
farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 07:22:37 AM
|
Beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
SunshineDoc
Farmgirl in Training
41 Posts
Mary Ann
Albany
Oregon
USA
41 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 11:06:59 AM
|
Oh thank you -- thank you each one! It's so amazing - these replies touch me right down to my gizzard. (never did find one of those in my MD anatomy class :))
I've sat with so many patients as they go through the dying process. But, oh my -- it was SOO different when it was my own mom.
Reminds me of the days when I used to deliver babies. Thought I knew all about it.
Then. I had one of my own.
OOOOH, yeah.
Anyhow - this support means way more to me than I imagined it would. I didn't imagine anything, actually -- but it has me back to crying all over again.
Which is a way good thing.
Like I tell all my patients.
(Grin)
Being mindful is a way of life - and health.
Mary Ann (Wallace) Iyer, MD
www.maryanniyer.com |
|
|
|
Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2012 : 2:58:03 PM
|
Mary Ann: I good cry, to me, is like a cleansing.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
|
|
|
buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 09:20:26 AM
|
In the end, it's really all about love. It's all that matters. It's the only thing that's real.
I am so sorry for your loss....I am crying as I read your post and the replies...it really hit home.
Hugs,
Shelly |
|
|
|
ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4816 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4816 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 1:18:51 PM
|
My condolences to you too. My mom passed away Thanksgiving weekend. I was able to tell my mother how loved she was and talk about the happiest times of her life. She was able to respond at first before she slowly slipped away into a coma. It helped me have some closure with her, I'm glad you were able to do the same with your mom.
You're in my prayers,
Dawn in IL |
|
|
|
Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 3:27:45 PM
|
Dawn and Maryann, I send you my prayers. My dad died 1/3/12 and I couldn't agree more. My mother has been dead since 2001 and I still feel her judging me and that I am not "enough." My father was more supportive to me but my mothers sisters and my grandmother loved me just because I exhisted. It is a miracle to be loved like that. I was able to share that love with my dad in his last few days. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
|
|
|
ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4816 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4816 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 3:54:43 PM
|
Thank you Joey. I'm so sorry for your losses. I had similar issue with my mom too. Sadly my dad passed away suddenly in September. I still can't believe they are both are gone.
There is nothing like unconditional day. I made sure my 3 sons receive that from me every day. Fortunately my husband and boys love me the same way too. I'm glad you received that love from your father & relatives.
Dawn in IL |
|
|
|
SunshineDoc
Farmgirl in Training
41 Posts
Mary Ann
Albany
Oregon
USA
41 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 10:22:11 AM
|
These posts are so touching. I'll say it again - I had no idea what to expect by writing about this. So far surpassing what I might have hoped for. It really DOES feel good to have others talking about this!
I've noticed something; and wonder about it. My mother died just a few months after my father. A couple of you mentioned this - and others have said this to me, too. I have thoughts about it - in terms of their connection and so on. But -- wonder what you think about this?
Being mindful is a way of life - and health.
Mary Ann (Wallace) Iyer, MD
www.maryanniyer.com |
|
|
|
rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 01:20:01 AM
|
A woman changes when she loses her mother....
I lost mine almost six years ago and it is still very fresh. My biggest surprise is I thought the everyday thoughts of her, the waking up thinking "I should call Mom" and the missing her would have diminished by now. But, as I said it is still so fresh.
I share your sorrow and joy, farmgirls.
Marianne |
|
|
|
Sharon Denise
True Blue Farmgirl
211 Posts
Sharon
Temple
TX
USA
211 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2012 : 12:34:16 PM
|
I'm so sorry for your loss, Mary Ann. How wonderful for your mother than she had you with her at the end, and that you spoke the words of her heart that she so desperately needed to hear. What a blessing that she returned that feeling of unconditional love to you from Heaven.
Farmgirl Sister #3754
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
|
|
|
JThomp
True Blue Farmgirl
135 Posts
Justine
Raymore
Missouri
USA
135 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2012 : 2:06:14 PM
|
Mary Ann, I am so so sorry for your loss. I am sitting here with the tears just flowing reading this. Thank you for this. I lost my mom in August and I have struggled with so much of this since. Bless you for posting this.
FarmGirl Sister#2904
|
|
|
|
SunshineDoc
Farmgirl in Training
41 Posts
Mary Ann
Albany
Oregon
USA
41 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2012 : 06:36:58 AM
|
I am grateful to you each, Dear Farm Sisters. I'm amazed at this forum -- and YOU!
Love ~ MA
Being mindful is a way of life - and health.
Mary Ann (Wallace) Iyer, MD
www.maryanniyer.com |
|
|
|
lisalisa
True Blue Farmgirl
216 Posts
Lisa
Broomall
PA
USA
216 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2012 : 08:18:23 AM
|
| Oh, Mary Ann, I'm so sorry you lost your mom, but how wonderful for you to be there with her to hold her and talk to her. What a blessing for both of you! ---L |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: Good Enough |
|
Good Enough
