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Family Matters:  disturbing  |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 2:11:37 PM
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I just need to share something:
Over this long holiday weekend, we've been spending a lot of time with my husband's family. I think I mentioned in another post that we are the only members of our extended family to not be on Facebook. My husband and I just have no interest. One of my SILs decided to show me something on Facebook that she said disturbed her and she wanted to get my opinion on. Turns out, our 17-year-old nephew and our 21-year-old niece have posted a lot of provocative pictures of themselves on their own respective Facebook pages. In some of these pictures they are only wearing their underwear! I was so shocked I asked my SIL if their parents know, and she said they must because both of them have been "friended" on each of the Facebook pages. Now, maybe I'm old-fashioned, or a prude, but WHY would people post pictures of themselves like that on the Internet? Some of my niece's shots were practically pornographic and I REALLY wish I hadn't seen them, to be honest!!
I also want to understand why their parents are ok with this. Maybe they have no "control" anymore over my niece because she's 21, but what about my nephew, he's still a minor!!
I'm still in shock. I really can't believe what I saw. My SIL said she wants to say something to our SIL (their mother) about it, but I don't really know what to do. Is it none of my business? I've known these two for 13 years - since my husband and I were dating. I can't believe they are behaving this way!
And, let me be clear, these are not pictures of them TOGETHER, obviously.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
Edited by - LuckyMommyof5 on Nov 27 2011 2:18:16 PM |
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MaryLD
True Blue Farmgirl
861 Posts
Mary
New Braunfels
TX
USA
861 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 4:12:56 PM
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I personally would say something to the niece, and let the parents know about the type photos posted by your nephew. I just read an article about the lack of character displayed by Americans on Black Friday, and obviously, it extends to many aspects of life, including Facebook. I could go on an on about the breakdown in families, relationships, etc in our culture. I think it is important that we remind our younger set about the sacredness of intimacy and of privacy. They may not see past the values of their peers, and need our guidance.
Mary LD
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
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classygram
True Blue Farmgirl
1812 Posts
Brenda
Pleasant Hill
Mo.
USA
1812 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 4:45:13 PM
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Suzanne, I'm not telling you what you should do, it's a very touchy subject. But I was on facebook a couple of times and my great nephew posted some things I didn't approve of and the language was not good. He was only 12 and I knew my niece wouldn't like it if she knew. So I told them what I read and just wanted to let them know. Told her if your ok with this then thats your place to handle it. She was shocked. And said she would take care of it. And since then, I've not seen any more of it. Thank the Lord that it didn't all go wrong, but I personally don't know why parents allow the computers not in sight to everyone. Like a family room or kitchen. Not in the privacy of their bedrooms. Too easy!!!It just makes it harder for them to get involved in degrading positions if they know someone may be looking over their shoulders.
http:///www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 5:03:03 PM
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The worst problem with sending out scanty clad or worse pics to your friends on any social media is just how far that they can dog your heels in real life. Pics like that can end up leading to cyber and physical stalking, being seen by potential collages, employers, military, future classmates, coworkers and potential boyfriend/girlfriends.
You can't take them back once they're out there.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
http://thegimpyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/annikaloveshats/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 5:16:03 PM
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This is a tough one. I've written and erased my response to you 4 times now because every time I think I have a good response I think about it more and decide no, I don't and erase it. I just signed into my facebook acct. so I could look for myself about photos and privacy and how these are shared. You can create a custom list as to who can see photos and who can't. If I had to guess I'd say their folks aren't allowed to see photos but I could be wrong. You wouldn't think they'd want aunts and uncles or cousins seeing either if they have any degree of modesty. But maybe they didn't think about that. If your niece thinks this might help her find dates I'm pretty sure the guys looking won't care about her cooking skills. As for your nephew, is this showing off his muscles photos? Or down to his shorts? Either way I think these young people know what they're doing. These pics have been posted to impress others their age. The problem with that is ....who exactly is seeing them? I wonder if they realize they're providing visual stimulation to complete strangers? Some of the people on their friends list may be complete strangers they've added as friends in order to be team mates for the various games in facebook. These strangers may be able to see those pictures unless they've taken care to see that they don't. My guess is that's a no on taking care. People don't always tell the truth about who and what they are on internet social sites. These young adults are forgetting that at the risk to their safety. Now for the tough part. At first I thought don't say anything because you'll be the busy body nosy family member. But on 5th thought now I've decided you and your sister in law go to their mother quietly. Tell her how much you love both of the kids and want to talk to her about something that concerns you for their safety in regards to facebook. Tell her what you've seen and why it concerns you. If she's aware and is offended you've both brought it up tell her you aren't trying to cause trouble but are concerned for 2 young people you love dearly. That you've struggled trying to decide what to do but decided to risk her anger versus not saying anything if not saying anything could put their safety at risk. Either have a laptop available so you can show her via your acct. or ask to sign in as yourself on her computer and then show her in case she's blocked from seeing these images. Tell her you'd prefer the kids don't know who told her about these pictures as you don't want to alienate them. If she's smart and they've blocked her and her hubby from seeing she may have u keep tabs on them in future. At some point...possibly now... nothing can be done to stop the 21 yr. old. She's legal and so responsible for her actions. But maybe they can stop the 17 yr old from ruining his reputation and life. Good luck to you on this one. Such a hard thing to know exactly what to do.
Huggzz
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://pinterest.com/ctapestry/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
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Zippy
Farmgirl in Training
22 Posts
Zee
Idaho
USA
22 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2011 : 5:36:07 PM
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Hello all! I'm a new "Farmgirl" here and I just wanted to put my 2 cents worth in. I am quite disturbed by what is acceptable on Facebook and other sites like it. American behavior in general is becoming more and more decadent. Another thing that disturbs me is how willing people are to give personal info to EVERYONE. We are far too trusting. I would like to ask just one question... if Hitler had been in control of a social network like Facebook, w/o the people being aware, what would he have done with all that info? Just food-for-thought.
The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.
~Edmund Burke |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 04:55:05 AM
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Zippy, good point!!
This is a tough one. I can't believe the things that people are posting in words and in photos in social media. Like Annika said, you can't take it back once its out there. I know there are privacy settings and all that, but geez. I've heard of people being fired for things they've posted on FB and didn't think their bosses or co-workers would find, and yet they do. I think people have forgotten how to behave - and I guess that's nothing new, its just easier now to get it out there for everyone to see.
I'll be thinking of you Suzanne as you figure out the right way to deal with this. I would probably approach the parents and say something like "Hey...did you know this is what your kids are posting on FB? Are you cool with that?" You're either going to get a response of "Yeah, kids will be kids..." as in the parents don't care that they are doing it...and then you know that's where the parents stand. Or you're going to get "Oh my gosh, I had no idea!"
I remember one time a family member posted some REALLY nasty stuff on FB (didn't change their privacy settings or whatever so it went out to everyone!) and my kids ended up seeing the stuff. NOT COOL. I ended up emailing the family member and saying "do you realize my kids are seeing what you're posting?" Then they felt dumb and stopped.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 08:19:26 AM
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Zee:
Great point!!!! I got on Facebook to see what it was all about. NOT for me. To each his/her own, but NOT for me. I'd rather remain private, to a point, with my life. Good topic/posting.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 08:30:17 AM
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I am on FB but mostly with family and very good friends. I don't "friend" every person who asks nor have I put a lot of personal info on it. Those who know me have all my personal info. So for now I have no problems with it. But, the stuff those kids are putting on it could very well come back to haunt them a few years down the road. One needs to be careful with what goes on the internet either on FB or email.
CMF |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 11:37:28 AM
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Well, here's the update:
I decided to take a direct approach and sent an email to the in-laws, only to be told they knew all about it and this (in their opinion) is simply "what kids are doing these days" so it's "no big deal." I was shocked. They also said my niece is an adult and my nephew is almost and adult, so it's no one's business what they do. I kept thinking about what everyone brought up - that once they put this stuff out there they will have to live with it forever. What if a future employer gets ahold of these pics and decides not to hire them? What if one of them wants to go into the military or law enforcement or needs a job with security clearance and can't get it because there are pictures like these of them floating around?
And, what does this say about them, as individuals? My niece is a bright young woman who has been putting herself through school and she has a smile that could light up a room. But no one who sees this stuff will know that - they will just see a scantily clad "object." Same thing with my nephew. And for what reason would they post these, anyhow?
I'm glad I'm not on Facebook. If my SIL hadn't shown me, I would never have seen it. Truth be told, I almost wish I hadn't.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 1:43:32 PM
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| Kids do this all the time. It's very common. Not to say it's okay (I certainly don't think it is), but you may find that these young folks see nothing wrong with this behavior. The 21-year-old should know better, though: it will affect her when she applies to schools, potential employers and so on. Even new friends will judge her based on what she's posted. You might clue her in that she has allowed too wide a circle of her "Ffriends" to have access to the photos, and ask her if she knows how to tighten that circle to just herself. She should know that sharing the photo with even ONE other person means it could go viral, so the current boyfriend is not a safe choice to include! As for the younger boy, this is something to bring to the parents' attention, without judgment, just to let them know that you saw something on the boy's Facebook that you thought they would want to know about. If they do know, and don't care, then I honestly don't know what the appropriate next step should be. I would probably try to explain to them how this kind of stuff can backfire, but that's just me. Wow. Good luck with this! |
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njaw09
True Blue Farmgirl
397 Posts
Annie
NJ
USA
397 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 2:08:08 PM
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Facebook you can set the preference to let who view what. I don't think the parents know the only way to be sure is to log on to their account and see it from there end. They add the parents but I think their daughter and son limit the viewing of photos to be share. you know there is a preference of who to share with who on facebook.
Pictures once on the internet will be there forever if you know how to search the world wide web. it is important for kids to be very careful of what they post on the internet. I could find people pictures i haven't seen for a decade and I am shock it is on the internet. it is amazing though.
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 2:24:45 PM
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As I wrote in my update, apparently the parents do know and they don't care. I'm not on Facebook - I was shown this by a family member from their computer.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2011 : 6:24:35 PM
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That is too bad they have taken that stance. Unfortunately the kids will have to learn the hard way. I have seen coworkers fired and read things I could hardly believe. I only post things that I wouldn't mind if Jesus saw. With the new updated version of FB I can see when a friend of mine has liked someone else's pic. When I hover my mouse over that notice then I can see the pic too without even being a friend of the original poster. And if you're wondering about the government knowing, well just look who Mark Zuckerberg's connections are with. Should you really expect any degree of privacy with a free site?
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2011 : 08:39:33 AM
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Here, here Julie. Suzanne, you have done what you could.
CMF |
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Apache Lady
Farmgirl in Training
47 Posts
Erika
La Puente
California
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2011 : 09:09:53 AM
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I'm so sorry these kids are doing this. I agree, this could haunt them for a long time, or go viral. It happens all the time. Kids are growing up way too fast these days, they want to be adults now! And parents are allowing it or just not taking an active part in their kids lives. It's very sad in my opinion.
I was very reluctant to join facebook, but I finally did. I'm able to share with friends and family pictures and comments. I have lots of personal settings though, I don't want people like my ex nosing in my life and seeing that I'm living! I don't think I even have more than 20 "friends". But I'm also careful of what I post, mostly neutral things. No personal things like cars, house pics, or electronics. Just having a good time and sharing with my family. |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2011 : 7:04:09 PM
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So, it seems that the kids in question have done this because their parents never saw reason to tell them not to do things like it. *shakes head*
I disagree that the kids "know what they are doing." I came of age during the internet era and I will freely admit that I was a lot free-er with my information and pictures than I should have been(nothing scanty even, just an actual photograph of my face on my profiles!)but I was overcome with that mythological idea of my own immortality and the mistaken idea that consequences didn't exist. It only took getting stalked on a family vacation once to shatter that illusion.
How lucky I was that the guy I committed to hosting in my home from out of state when I was 18 turned out to be the wonderful guy I ended up marrying. It could have ended up much differently.
"It's what the kids are doing these days".... please. Ladies, how many of you grew up in the 70's where sitcoms tell us "everyone" was smoking recreational pot? I doubt half as many parents just wrote it off and gave passive permission like that.
Frankly I don't care what "the kids" are doing when my kids come of age, because they certainly won't be getting away with doing it while I still draw breath.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
Edited by - Dusky Beauty on Nov 29 2011 7:05:17 PM |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2011 : 4:56:14 PM
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Like my mom asked me one time when I wanted to do something that my friends were doing (nothing illeagal) but she didn't approve of, "If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge and into the ocean, would you follow?" The obvious answer, which I did answer truthfully was "no". If you do talk with your niece and nephew about the inappropriatness of their actions, ask them a similar question. Put the ball into their court to get them to think. You're basically making them realize that there are consequences for their actions without acutally "bossing" them around. Granted, yes, this kind of behavior is inappropriate, but if this goes on, what else are they going to do that could potentially hurt or injure themselves or someone else because they "are being kids'?
Good luck.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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JessyLynn88
Farmgirl in Training
29 Posts
Jessica
Harwood
Texas
USA
29 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2011 : 11:54:30 AM
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I got into an argument with my aunt because there is a picture of me on my facebook that shows my complete bare back, while Im sitting on a table with a towel across my lower back and Im holding up another in front of me (picture was taken only from my back and you can see I have jeans on) from when I got my tattoo done (yes I have tattoos several actually but they are only for my husband and me to see, haha you cant get me in a swimsuit without a shirt on) None the less nothing provocative and you couldn't see ANYTHING! My aunt got really mad and called me in a yelling match because my cousin (18 at the time) saw my picture and wanted a tattoo and it was inappropriate to show my bare back. two weeks later my cousin posted a picture of her and my aunt in string bikinis licking a banana together. WOW really?!?! None the less I would be very upset if my child was living in my house (I dont care how old) was talking or posting pictures with the intent of being seductive.
-JessyLynn
Farmgirl Sister #3675
http://www.facebook.com/americangirlsrule |
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batznthebelfry
True Blue Farmgirl
1257 Posts
Michele
Athol
Ma
USA
1257 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2011 : 11:42:01 PM
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I am on Facebook but like many of you I am so shocked by the things I see or read...especially from kids...If I had even thought about some of the cuss words I see written by grad school age kids of my friends I would have had my mouth washed out with soap!....Plus one friends little girl had clevage shots that shocked even me when she was in the 10th grade on there...like said, future employers do check this now....my hubby has to be very careful what he writes on the web since he is in the military...Even adults do stupid things on that site & I have had to get rid of some of the 'friends' because I couldn't handle what they were saying....I am on for the games & to keep in touch with a few friends & I do have tons of pictures of the 'kids'...chickens on it but no pics I would ever not want someone to see later on down the road.....I always worry about the youngin's because we had that Facebook Killer here & thats how he found & stocked his victums...scary but true...Michele'
Chickens rule!
The Old Batz Farm
Hen #2622 |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
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Catherine L
True Blue Farmgirl
408 Posts
Cathy
Newton
Texas
USA
408 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2011 : 05:39:55 AM
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I have been thinking about getting off of Facebook. I have so many of my friends hidden and I would like to hide a few more. I have a niece who posts when she is going to take a shower or that she is going to town and all kinds of other stuff. Who really cares? Then there are those who use it as an opportunity to gripe and complain about others without mentioning their names. I think all some people do is search the internet all day and post everything they find to facebook.
I do like to keep up with family and friends, but some of this stuff is unbelievable.
~Cathy~
Farmgirl 2428 http://www.my-fairhaven.blogspot.com/
http://adaywithnonnaandboompa.blogspot.com/ |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Dec 24 2011 : 10:33:12 PM
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| I don't blame the kids so much because I don't think they realize how this could affect them. Unfortunately, this is the "norm" for a lot of young people these days. (Definitley NOT saying I agree with it though!!) I am more concerned by the parents lax attitude towards it. I would be completely appauled if I had had children and they were doing this type of thing. I wouldn't care how old they were.....I would be "having a talk with them." It's a parents job to guide their children and mold them to be the best possible adults they can be. The morals and family values in this country leave me speechless..... |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9587 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9587 Posts |
Posted - Dec 26 2011 : 5:41:29 PM
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I just wanted to add my 2 cents here. It is a sad dilemma our society is in but there it is and not much can be done about it.
On facebook I just will say that having done some research the photos and anything else we post on there is not as private as you may think even if you have the most private settings possible. It is out there and people can see it. I put very few pictures on my account there.
I am not going to comment on the opening post as I believe many good responses are already here.
farm girl sister#43
http://www.ladybugsandlilacs.blogspot.com/
O, a trouble's a ton or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it!
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only--how did you take it?
--Edmund C. Vance.
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Dec 28 2011 : 8:29:05 PM
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It's a sad commentary on our society that young people feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with posting those types of photos of themselves. Niece and nephew probably feel that it's no big deal, their friends do it, it's all in good fun but you're right it speaks about character.
Also young people should be aware that more and more potential employers are looking up interviewees facebook and myspace pages, really nothing on the internet is truly private. Is that the kind of impression they want to give?
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
"The things that matter most are not really things after all" |
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Family Matters: disturbing |
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disturbing
