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Family Matters:  Sniping at each other constantly...  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 11:49:12 AM
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Do you and your s.o do this now and again? I can't seem to say or do anything right in my house the last few days. And truthfully, I'm bummed that my spouse is home 3 nights this week, because he's just been a real downer and I can't seem to feel comfortable when he's there--that's pretty awful, right? Last night, we got into a snit because he was irritated that I wanted to do some laundry while he was working on his model airplane (the laundry is in the same room), then our little one (who fell and skinned her knee the day prior) was really milking that and her cold for all it was worth, telling me her "leg was bwoken" and so he tried to video her talking about it, and I encouraged her and he abruptly turned it off, saying, "I wanted HER to tell me about it, not you.." and I just tried to shut him out the rest of the night, but he kept talking to me--at that point, I was just over it and didn't want to give in.
Today, I tried to call to see how she was feeling and he was very short, and acted like I was bothering him--when I asked him to choose between 3 dinners he said, "none of them" and I just about lost it. I have all this food and he doesn't want anything that I have ingredients for. Should I simply tell him to make what he wants for himself and stuff it? I mean, that's what I feel like doing, at any rate.
I noted the moon was full last night, maybe that's it, or maybe we're just on a uneven kilter. I was secretly hoping his co-worker would call in sick and he'd have to go in to work so I could just relax tonight!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 12:38:14 PM
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Drew and I get into sniping matches all of the time, and i hate it. for us it is usually when we have both been too busy to relax and spend time doing fun things together. I'm the stay at home one and he works a very full work week. He comes home tired and has a very difficult time leaving his job at work, I've been alone all day, working on the house and around the farm what i can of it these days...So i want to talk and he wants to be left alone...Usually I just give in a leave him to his grouchy self. But I've tried a new tactic lately, which is planning little surprises, small treats, unasked for back rubs...this isn't what I'm suggesting you do. But I am sympathetic and am sending a big farmgirl hug to you. *HUGS*
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
http://thegimpyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/annikaloveshats/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 12:46:41 PM
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It really weighs you down, doesn't it? I mean, it's not like it's hurtful, really, it's just petty and irritating. It's all in the "way" you say things to one another--making me feel like I'm infringing on your own "special time" while trying to do things that make the household run after I've put in a full day at work seems a bit...silly. If he needed the space, he should have said, "hey, hon, I didn't get a lot of time to work on this today, would you mind giving me a few minutes?" Now, THAT, I would have responded kindly to. I'm glad you have chosen to take the high road--I'd really just like to hit the road for tonight :)
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 1:42:33 PM
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DH and I have our battle of wills on occasion. The best thing I can do is nip it in the bud. I come straight to the point and ask if I've done something I'm not aware of to get him upset at me. He will either beat around the bush and then finally say what's really bothering him or I say I'm tired of walking on eggshells and I'm going to carry on doing something fun and he can join when he's over his mood. Meaning his testy behavior is only affecting himself and I've stopped paying attention. Sort of like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Ignoring and not rewarding negative behavior. And he sees he's only making himself miserable. When he decides to rejoin with the family we are all smiles and open arms and not making him pay for his grumpy mood.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 1:47:30 PM
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That's what I attempted to do last night, Julie--and there are times I'm better at that than others, for sure. My own tendency is to effect the silent treatment and simply remove myself from the situation, but that's not a very mature way to handle it. We'll see about tonight--I've already decided I'm making the lentil and spicy Italian sausage soup that I'd planned on making and he can eat it or make a fried egg sandwich. Wish me luck!!!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 2:33:03 PM
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i have noticed that i have been the snippy one alot lately-well- a WHOLE lot...part of it is that i never get to be alone at home and there are times i really lIKE to be alone-whereas michael is home all day with the dog, cat and two birds--he cannot work and he really has nothing to occupy his time other than go to the senior ctr for lunch...anyhow- between my work and school (3 nites a week) he is home alone so when i AM home he follows me around like a puppy and i cannot stand that!!!!
we still are not completely unpacked from the move and i cant fnd things-that irks me no end! and then he moves stuff!
i thought it was the weather, the moon, the upcoming holidays...you name it--i think it's just ME!
but i do feel for ya and i agree-eat what you fix or fry an egg!
here's a hug!!!!!!!!!
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 2:34:58 PM
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I feel for you, Jonni. I've been married almost 11 years and we've certainly had our share of not-so-good patches. It's rough when you are in it, to be sure. It especially stinks because your spouse is your best friend and when you are at odds it makes you feel very alone.
I think you are on the right track to talk to him about what's bothering you. Something must be bothering him, too.
And if you made me homemade lentil soup I would sit with you for HOURS and talk anything out you wanted! ;-)
I wish you luck and send you Farmgirl hugs!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2011 : 2:53:35 PM
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We've been married for 32 years and from experience I can tell you that when you are sniping about little stuff it's because of a bigger issue or issues that you are not talking about. Is he having troubles at work?
Kathy |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 05:13:26 AM
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Okay I have a problem with choosing between the 3 dinners. My DH and I have been married for 32 years and I have never ask him to choose dinner. I just cook and make what I want to for dinner.
There was a few times when we first got married that he commented on what I had cooked and I told him if you do not like it there is peanut butter and jelly. You can make your self a sandwich. I do that same thing with my children. So I nipped it in the bud at the very beginning of our life together. Hum we are not to snippy at each other at this stage in our marriage. Hum I think if my DH came in snippy I would probably just ignore him and go sit at my sewing machine or my chair and do some embroidery or sewing. I would just tell him don't bother me I am busy. Then he normally goes out and works on a project in his barn. Or becomes a T.V. hound. Hope things work out alright for yall!
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 05:51:17 AM
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I usually ignore it for a while, then if it continues I bring it to his attention that it's not how I like to be treated, and tell him how I want to be treated/talked to etc. I try to say it in a calm nice way, sometimes he still is snippy about it, sometimes not, usually though it clears up in a day or two. Mine's been especially snippy this year, cause of jobs, or rather lack there of, he's very responsible and upset he wasn't getting a job, then upset the job he got didn't/doesn't pay enough, etc. He feels bad about not providing what he wants for his family, etc. So was taking it out on me, and every one around us! (his parents, my parents, etc). My mom noticed he got a lot better once he got a job again, but still.....when it got to be where it wasn't paying enough he was on edge again.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 06:09:20 AM
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I know it's normal, this sniping, and every couple goes through a spell where things just seem off kilter until you get it out in the open. Last night was better after I got him to talk a bit--Kathy is right--when you're sniping about little things, there's something bigger lurking round the corner. Turns out, he's irritated about Thanksgiving (again). Each year we go through this and each year, I think, "surely this will be the last year for this..."because...well, how many times can a holiday irritate the crap out of you? My husband has a polite but strained relationship with his mother that goes back to being put in a boys home when he was a teen. His father apologized, so he's "ok", but his mother blamed his father and has never apologized. His mom and I get along like wildfire because well, I just let her be who she is and I think carrying around baggage from your childhood can get AWFUL heavy so ultimately, you have to get rid of it or it just holds you back (which is exactly what is happening). That's what's been bugging him and last night, he said he was still debating on whether to go (to Thanksgiving) or not. I told him that the wee girl and I were going to Indianapolis whether he did or didn't. A few seconds later, he said, "I probably WILL go, but I don't have to make the decision right now..." and a few other passive agressive silly things that he trots out each year at the holidays. I simply said, "you can hate the holidays privately, but I'm going to make them wonderful for our daughter--you can come along for the ride, or when she's an adult, she can remember how loathsome you made a happy time." While that may sound harsh, this is the 11th year in a row that he brings this stuff out about spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. Like a broken record, for heaven's sake and after a while, my empathy and sympathy is waning.
After that, I said, "I thought we'd have pizza tomorrow night after Violet's music class..." to which he replied, "pizza you make or delivered to us?" I just flat out said, "You know, I'm an amazing cook and the comments you've been making about my cooking lately are just flat out offensive. You've eaten my food for ten years, what's the problem, now?" He sure back-peddaled and said that since he'd gotten this new job, he felt like we could afford to have carry out, now and again and that he wanted a Papa Dino's pizza for a change....
After that was all aired out and I didn't let him put me in a corner, things were much happier. He lightened up and could see that the one person who WOULD be on his side, push comes to shove, was being pushed too hard!!!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 06:41:47 AM
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Jonni- I am glad that you guys got it aired out. Doug and I go through this too. Last week I called him out and asked him if I had done something to offend him and he was completely shocked and asked why- I told him he had said two hurtful comments in a morning and normally he isn't like that. He appologized but I was still pretty stung. But he made an effort to watch what he was saying and things settled down again. Sometimes it isn't that easy and smooth and we can have some real battles- but like you said- I think everyone goes though those trying times.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 08:32:11 AM
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Jonni I'm so happy to hear that you got him to talk. Always remember that about the petty crap, it's hiding something bigger. My husband has that same relationship with his mother and though we have really tried it has never gotten better, luckily we now live in another state and the kids are grown so we don't feel a need to be around her and it's her loss as the kids don't want to be around her either. Don't force your husband to go or make him feel quilty if he doesn't want to go, maybe it's time to start your own traditions. Is it really a wonderful time if your husband is somewhere that he isnt happy. Which makes me think of something my daughter said a couple years ago, she is now 30, "it was never really fun being at grandmas because it was stressful for dad". Holidays are a tough one for alot of familys so make it as easy on yourself and your husband as you can.
Kathy |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2011 : 09:57:14 AM
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Glad you got things sorted out. I work with DH alot. When we are working together and he is moody and starts screaming about stupid unintentional things that I may or may not do, my standard reply to him is this "If you don't cut it out now, I will go home even if I have to walk." He will generally settle down and eventually, he'll tell me what is bothering him.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 03:55:45 AM
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Might could also balme it on being inside die to change of seasons too. Stuff like this usually doesn't happen when we are all outsdie 'till dark in the summer!
I too have been married just 11 years, and even w/o a child, there are some days when it just seems like you can't do anything right to please the other person. Talking it out IS the correct thing to do first and foremost, so bravo! Then taking a nice long walk usually helps too.
If it were to have festered into more than just a few days and gone into weeks, it would have been major cause for concern.
I work most weekends, so when we are off together, we do tend to somewhat get in eachother's way a teensy bit. But we have our own routines too. Living on a farm really helps.
I sometiems wish our house was way bigger, it seems you just can't get away from the other person and their noise sometimes , so I know where you are coming from, especially when it is crummy outside |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2888 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2888 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 06:56:05 AM
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I was reading this post & made me think of a joke I heard:
" Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.' "
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 07:15:42 AM
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That's awesome, Lisa...I think I'll use that!!!!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 08:29:18 AM
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I know that his issues with his parents affect him, but he's tried counseling and when it seems like he's near a point to find some resolution, he backs out. I guess he really just wants his mother to make the effort. I don't see that happening, but for me, I just have difficulty understanding how a person can let this just keep festering. His solution is to remove himself from the situation, but in doing so, it means removing our daughter from a large, loving family. On my side, it's just me and my mom--and while that's wonderful, there isn't any extended Grandmothers or Grandfathers or Aunts and Uncles and cousins...
I know that I should be prepared to deal with this each and every holiday, but geez...it gets so tired!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 11:35:18 AM
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I don't know the families, so this is just my take on what you have posted, however, take it with a grain of salt since I don't know the families.
If he doesn't want to be around them, there may be something to that. I personally wouldn't go against my instincts on that. They have clearly hurt him very deeply. For them to of hurt him at some point he had to of felt love from/to them. It may be a protection to your dd not to get to close to people who could hurt her in the same way. There's something to it that your husband is so hurt, yet his mother doesn't feel a need to apologize. So how really loving is that? Again just because they are blood doesn't mean they are the best people to be around.
My dad's mother was bipolar, and would say some really mean and nasty things. I think because she was my father's mother, he felt he owed something to her (even though she didn't even raise him, he was raised by his grandparents-yeah ironically I married a man also raised by his grandparents! And I didn't even know it till after we were married!) and we would always be around grandma. Till my little sister came along and she would just say the meanest nastiest things to her. She really said these things to all of us but my dad and I let it kind of roll off of us as that was just "her". My sister though would get very deeply hurt. Finally my step mother said no more. She warned grandma if she didn't stop she would no longer come over or bring the kids over. And my step mother even apologized to me about letting grandma talk that way to me and not stopping the visits back then! Any way grandma didn't stop, and my step mother put her foot down, and let dad just go by himself over there.
Again I can't say what is right or wrong to do in the situation. But, I think I would trust my husband's instincts on who is trustworthy to have in your life and who is not. I like the PP suggestions of maybe coming up with a new circle of people and traditions for your family. but, again just what I am seeing and i'm not there so don't know everything involved. It just seems sad to me to force some oen this hurt to be around people who hurt him so badly.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2011 : 6:43:42 PM
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OMG...Heather...you make me crazy sometimes..lol! with your explanations of families. I totally appreciate it. I know right where you're at in all that. When we come to the holiday season, we don't need no baggage...Remember that. Don't need no baggage. If you can't participate without that baggage...then what's healthier? A holiday with you or without you?
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2011 : 12:44:48 PM
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My Rooster works 11-12 hours in a really physical job plus supervisors breathing down his neck. So he can get snippy. I usually just cook dinner and let him eat or not.
I am kind of sensitive, so I try not to be around him when he is like this.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Family Matters: Sniping at each other constantly... |
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Sniping at each other constantly...
