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Parenting & Farm Kids:  8 going on....15?  |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 04:19:17 AM
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I just want to know if this is normal. My son, who is eight (but has always been way older for his age) has suddenly taken to questioning EVERYTHING we ask of him. Now, its not as though his questioning gets him anything. For instance, yesterday we were leaving to go hiking for the day and I told him he needed to put on a short sleeve shirt before we left. He said "Why? I'm fine in a long sleeve shirt." I said, "you need to put on a short sleeve shirt so you don't get hot." He said, "Nope, I'm fine." I said, "Put on a short sleeve shirt or you're staying home." (This was a really tough hike an hour from our house. And he KNEW that. I didn't want him to get there and start complaining he was hot and ruin it for every one else.)
He's doing this with everything, with both my husband and I. He questions now, where he didn't before. My husband told our son if he was going hunting in the woods with him in the morning he needed to put on jeans because his athletic pants would get snagged. Our son said "Why? I'm fine in the (athletic) pants I have on." My husband said "Putting on jeans wasn't a suggestion, its what you need to do."
So while my husband and I aren't going to let his questions and pushing get him out of stuff, I am frustrated because its a new thing I haven't seen from him before. you used to ask him to do something and he'd just do it. It wasn't fifteen questions about why or how about this instead or how about we just....and we've discussed with him that its incredibly disrespectful to question your parents constantly when they ask you to do something.
What I'm wondering is if this is a normal coming of age thing and has anyone else here dealt with it? Ideas?
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Red Tractor Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
6594 Posts
Winnie
Gainesville
Fl
USA
6594 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 04:46:34 AM
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Amy- It sounds to me like he might be trying to feel more empowered by making more decisions himself. Is he having any trouble in school with either friends or academics? Is it possible that he is trying to find some sort of control where he can because something else feels radically out of control to him? Balking at his parents is one way to be able to say to himself, I can at least succeed in what I do and wear. Being 8 years old suggests to me that something has changed and now he is trying to either make up for it somewhere else or feel OK about himself deep inside. It is doubtful that he is just being belligerant(sp??) because he is pretty young. My suggestion is that you and husband put on your detective hats and dig a bit deeper for clues. In the meantime, find new ways to allow him to make decisions and then reward him for making good ones so he knows that you trust his ability to do the right thing. Maybe he will open up and let you know what is troubling him deep down. Previous Happy children just don't turn sour and stubborn without some good reason. They only have a limited number of ways to respond at such a tender age. Good Luck!
Winnie #3109
Red Tractor Girl |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 05:09:50 AM
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Thanks Winnie for the suggestion. We homeschool, so I'm pretty informed about the academics and friends part of it. I think part of it is that he's caught between being a kid...and being trusted with more things/having more responsibilities. He goes hunting in the morning with his dad before we start school. But then he comes in and doesn't want to do his chores because its "too much work". Or he's big enough to bring home a duck or a rabbit to cook for dinner but whines when he has to get his own breakfast. We have explained to him that if he's going to be big enough to join in on the adult things, then he's big enough to take some other not as exciting responsibilities like (gasp) making your own breakfast.
It's almost as if this challenging the adults thing comes from being allowed to do things with the adults. Do you know what I'm saying? Like "I'm big enough to go hunting (or whatever else)...I don't have to listen to anyone anymore."
I really have to stress that my eight year old son is not a normal eight (whatever that is). He's quite old for his age, besides the fact that anyone who meets him pegs him at about 12 or 13. (It doesn't help that he's off the charts for his height too). Generally speaking he's very mature and always has been. So although eight seems young for being belligerent...even my mother has commented its almost like he's getting into that independent sassiness that all kids try out at a bit older age.
It's just very frustrating to me because, seeing as how we homeschool, I feel like I deal with his challenging all day now. Which is fine....I'm up for it. I won't back down because I figure its a phase. (Even if its not, it still needs to be handled, not just ignored.) I just wanted to know if anyone else had dealt with it - even in older kids.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 05:47:48 AM
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It sounds like a tough situation. I hope you find something that works with your family. I am a big fan of meeting the problem face-on and having a sit down where you tell him his manner of asking questions lately has been inappropriate and while he is starting to get to enjoy SOME of the benefits of being more grown up and responsible- he is not yet an adult and when you ask/tell him to do something- unless it would physically harm him in some way- he is to do as you say because you will always be thinking of his best interests.
Perhaps he is trying to speak up in the vein that he is growing up, but doesn't quite understand that there is still a right and wrong way to ask questions. I think a lot of times once kids get the idea that they are "growing up" they mimic the way they hear adults talk and they don't realize they haven't quite reached that level yet.
For example sometimes I suggest that my husband might like his jacket in the morning and sometimes he says "No, it's not that cold" or sometimes he says "Good idea". Nora probably over hears that so when she says "No, its not that cold" to me I will know she is mimicing her dad- but she doesn't realize her dad was 30 years old when he was making that decision- not 8 or 12 or whatever age she decides she is grown up.
Good luck with your son. He sounds like an amazing boy!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 06:03:30 AM
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Thanks Alee, I think you've hit on something. He doesn't quite get that there is a right and wrong way to ask the questions. And hearing the way we toss things around, its not the same coming out of his mouth and he's going through the figuring out of that.
I think a sit down "look, you're enjoying some of the grown up benefits of being able to...but you're not a grown up yet. And because of that, Dad and I are still in charge..." kind of thing is a good idea! Thanks! :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Ace
Photographer & Videographer
126 Posts
Alicia
Pullman
Washington
USA
126 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 3:33:55 PM
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Hi there Amy,
Just to preface, I don't have kids, so feel free to shoot any of this down! I am such a believer in natural consequences. Some kids reach an age where they need a little control in their lives, and it sounds to me, being home schooled, he probably has a lot of interaction with you and your husband on a day-to-day basis where you are teaching, instructing, and parenting. This might be his own way of finding his voice, even if it defies logic, (like putting a short sleeve shirt on for a big hike.) My mom was a teacher for a long time and picking your battles was an important point she would bring up often when it came to kids who were challenging.
If he doesn't want to change his shirt, and you know he is going to get hot later, why push the issue? When he is panting up the hill, that is the perfect time to show why you are asking him to do things, that it is not just arbitrary 'bossing', which it might feel like to him at his age.
Some kids need to learn on their own, and no amount of explaining will do. That, 'I should have listened to my mom' thought will cross his mind, and if you are feeling generous, you can bring that extra shirt for him when the time comes and let him know it is not about being right, but that you care.
Just my two cents. I was a tough kid myself, this sounds all too familiar!
Hope things improve soon for you! :-)
-ace
"Nothing is better for the inside of a person, than the outside of a horse" -Will Rogers
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Edited by - Ace on Oct 12 2011 3:36:38 PM |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 7:03:19 PM
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Wow, he waited till 8? DD is 6 and it's already a battle. Some things I tell her straight out that I'm not arguing about it. And they definitely need to fail. There's consequences to bad choices. I tell DD you need to wear a jacket and if she doesn't want to I ask her if it's a good choice, with the Mom look, too. So I say let him wear the long sleeve shirt and the athletic pants and don't bring the extra clothes, but don't rub it in and say "I told you so." He'll know.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2011 : 8:01:41 PM
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Thanks for the suggestions, ladies!
We've tried the "fine, you want to dress like its winter? great! have fun!" The problem is he ruins the event for EVERYONE who goes with and is too stubborn to admit he was wrong and does the same thing the next time. I'm all for natural consequences, but some kids are too stubborn to admit they exist. :) I just don't want the whole family to suffer ten miles out into the hike because of the choices HE made. That's not fair.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2011 : 1:06:30 PM
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I may be the voice of dissent here.
My now 9 year-old son started that last year, and some of those behaviors still crop up daily. I think 8 is a little young to fully grasp cause-and-effect over en extended period of time. Yes, if you had let him wear the shirt, then pointed out his folly when he complained, he would have learned a lesson for all of 30 minutes. But I don't think that memory would stick, and he'd just be challenging you on the next issue, and the next. If anyting, I think it would reinforce to him that he can argue with anything he doesn't agree with, and get his way because he argued.
Alee hit the nail on the head in my opinion. Our kids sometimes absorb behaviors, and mimic adults. I catch my 9 year-old questioning me about things the way he sees his father does. He sees his dad and I discussing things, and sometime gets the mistaken impression that he is the "third" adult in the equation, and tries to weigh in too. The clothes are always an issue, so I know exactly where your're coming from. First, I tried reasoning with him ("those clothes don't match.." etc) but I realized that there comes a point sometimes when the back-and forth has to stop, because as long as he perceived that he could continue arguing, he would. If it wasn't the clothes, it would be something else. And frankly, I don't need to justify or "sell" my decisions and rules to my 9 year-old son.
For me, the important lesson is that kids still need boundaries, and to know that you are the adult. While I want my child to know I listen to him and value his opinions, he also needs to know that I am the parent, and somethings are not up for discussion. It's a tricky line to navigate.
SarahJ
Farmgirl Sister #116
http://bayoumama.wordpress.com/ |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2011 : 2:06:25 PM
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I don't have kids, but I was the same way when I was a kid. I am wondering if you could give him more chores and a few minor things to be responsible for? He sounds very intelligent for his age, and it could be boredom partially.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
http://pinterest.com/annikaloveshats/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2011 : 2:30:11 PM
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How about your son could carry a backpack with your idea of appropriate clothing and could change when the time arose. He will have to do the carrying, of course. The response I always got when I was a kid was "because I said so" and I used it with so-so results when raising my boys.
Betty in Pasco |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: 8 going on....15? |
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8 going on....15?
