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Family Matters:  Empty Nest  |
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
 Posted - May 30 2011 : 11:54:53 PM
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I have been an empty nester for almost 2 years now and I still struggle with missing my kids. I am 42 years old and have been married for almost 24 years. My son is 22 and lives on his own and my almost 20 year old daughter is in college.
I had a really bad time this weekend of missing them so much. I did go camping with my sister's family but I think that it made me miss mine even more. I actually had panic attack symptoms it was that bad. Has this ever happened to any of you and what do you do to help with the pangs???
Farmgirl Sister#2808
"Happy Hens make Happy Eggs"
http://lazyjoranch.blogspot.com
http://etsy.com/shop/lazyjoranch
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DeeDee
True Blue Farmgirl
162 Posts
Denise
Wyoming
162 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 08:25:53 AM
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| Angela I hope things will lighten up soon for you. My husband and I are in our middle 50's,parents of 4 grown kids and still have never been empty nesters.We have also had best friends,girlfriends,boyfriends,and fiancees of our kids living with us at one time or another.Just wanted to give you another take on the parenting situation :o) |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 08:55:05 AM
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Funny how we are all so different but still mothers. I went through what you are describing when my boys became teenagers! I really missed my little boys. It hurt that they were moving away from me emotionally and socially. I'll never forget the night I realized I needed to "get a life" of my own to let them grow up. ( Not saying this to you for advice, just my experience!) It was fourth of July and we were at the firework viewing spot in our neighborhood. We had gone there for years, sat on a blanket, ate a picnic and watched the show. That 4th of July I was on the blanket alone while they sat with their teen friends. It was a revelation to me that soon I would really be alone. I took advantage of their independence and started doing things I had enjoyed in the past, joined a club or two and took some classes. By the time they left home I had interests and activities established that helped fill the void. Now, so many years later I truly enjoy my grown up son. We have an adult relationship that I would not trade for having him at home again!
The future with your kids can be a wonderful chapter in your lives. One thing for sure about life is that it does not go backwards. We can stall, but forward motion is the most natural state of being. I have found that resisting this fact makes me miserable.
I'm wishing you peace and serenity during this time of transition.
Hugs on you!
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 09:11:44 AM
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Connie, I really enjoyed reading your outlook on empty nesting. It's something that I need to do also, instead of feeling sorry for myself.
Betty in Pasco |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 09:32:36 AM
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Thanks Betty. I am a good ten years along in the process so I have the benefit of not being in the middle of the emotion of it now. But I am so glad God gave me the wisdom he did when he did to make the process easier. I did have difficult times during those years too. It was lonely with my best buds busy elsewhere! I was also a single mom so I mean really alone! I had friends with grown children and I admired their relationship. I decided to aspire to what they had and that helped me along.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 12:07:34 PM
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Connie, my kids are 37 and 40, both sons. I raised them by myself after their father left to "be happy." He has not contacted his children in over 20 years and I know it bothers them. It is amazing that after our divorce that friends that are couples just disappear. I keep saying that my best friends are women because I can confide in them and it stays with them. Both kids are college educated and have good jobs and are happy with their work.
Betty in Pasco |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 1:57:53 PM
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Betty our stories are the same I'm just a few years behind you. My boys are 29 and 33. I agree about the couple thing. My single women friends were my salvation and support group. We were each others emergency contact, held each others wills and medical directives, were on each others safety deposit boxes, and were on the pickup list for each others children at school and daycare. I can't imagine doing it without them. There were 5 boys that were as at home at my house as my boys were at theirs. I liked to garden so I helped them with their yards. One friend liked to cook so we ate there frequently when I worked long hours. Another friend looked after our pets when we were away. We made our own village! It took all of us!
I guess we are proof that it can be done, and done well.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 2:15:24 PM
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Connie took the words out of my mouth, except that I was a single parent with an only daughter and all my friends had boys. Didn't matter. We did the whole "took a village" thing too and I am so grateful.
I am in Florida caring for my 83yo sick father and my DD, SIL and grandgirls live 600 miles away. Oh, how I miss them and sometimes it's just too much and I can't even talk to them on the phone because my heart is breaking that I miss them so and to talk to them will make it worse. I am especially terrible when the kids go back to school and I don't have to take my daughter "school shopping" anymore and at Christmas time when I don't have to go and watch the school Christmas play. I miss the school events so much. Those times pass. I, too have many hobbies and good friends. We get together 2x/yr and talk on the phone all the time. I have also found that volunteer work with kids has helped me like camp or VBS. I have also volunteered to rock babies in the nursery at the hospital and joined a group of "Caring Clowns" who visited aptients in the hospital every month. I also work with the homeless. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are helping to make some else happy. Find something you enjoy and do something for yourself. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 10:58:46 PM
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Thank you girls for all the kind words...one thing that I forgot to mention is that I have overextended myself volunteering for The American Cancer Society, Humane Society, the school that I work with, several woman groups, etc. trying to keep my mind off of being alone and it has sometimes made things worse for me by causing stress on my husband and myself and at the end of the day, I still feel the lonliness....
Farmgirl Sister#2808
"Happy Hens make Happy Eggs"
http://lazyjoranch.blogspot.com
http://etsy.com/shop/lazyjoranch
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 07:42:28 AM
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Hi Angela,
I'm 41, my boys are going on 23 and 17. My older son was suppose to leave for college after High School- I was a mess- I was panicking and depressed. Luckily plans changed at the last minute. I can't bear the thought of my boys leaving, though i know the time will come. At least if he left at this point I'd feel better about it. It was not ready at 18 to go anywhere. He is more mature and responsible now. It was SO hard on me when he almost left- I am so overprotective and worry a lot. Time flies so fast. I wish they were still babies. Now with my younger one getting ready to drive soon- I'll have new worries. SIGH. Having had kids young, they've always been my whole life, and the thought of letting them go terrified me. I've come to terms at this point with them getting older and the changes that will come with that. Soon there will be a new wonderful chapter of our lives- to share their adult lives with them.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/- Handcrafted Bath & Body products
http://flowerchild-lifeinthegarden.blogspot.com/ My Blog
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/farmgirl-crafting-group/ - A group for all farmgirls wanting to share their craft.
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Montrose Girl
Farmgirl Legend/Schoolmarm
1360 Posts
Laurie
Montrose
CO
1360 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 08:07:08 AM
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Being on the other end of the empty nest syndrome, I am chuckling. I'm 44, recently married and am now expecting a baby. My mom had moved across the street from me a few years ago and she is going through empty nest syndrome worse now then when I went away to college 20 + years ago. I moved about an hour away. She tries hard, but I can still see the loss. I then have to remind her, when does she have time to miss me, as she goes to Florida and off to work (more traveling), volunteers, quilts and is busier than I could ever be. Her response "It's a mom thing". So I guess, while I see that it will lessen and maybe get easier, don't expect it to ever go away. I think that is just part of being a mom which I will discover myself in 20 years...oh boy. And soon there will be a grandchild!
Honestly I am enjoying the adult years with my mom more than I did as a child, and I think she is too. So grab on to those. You'll have lots more adult years, than child years anyways.
Laurie
http://www.inntheorchardbnb.com/ |
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Turtlemoon
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
378 Posts
Tanya
Port Orchard
Washington
USA
378 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 09:37:28 AM
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Hi, i am also 41 and daughter moved to idaho last august for school. It took so long to adjust to the silence in the house, even though i kept plenty busy! This spring i kept texting hubby pics of baby ducks and chicks from the farm supply. Because we do travel a lot for his work he brought home a westie puppy. This actually did help alot! Of course we picked daughter up for the summer and she has informed us she wants to change majors, move home and go to our local college, lol. Just as i was adjusting to the house being just hubbys and mine! So... be careful what you wish for! :) Relax, breath and make a list of things you enjoy or have been wanting to learn, maybe sign up for a class or join a group of similar interests. The social outlet will help. ((hugs))
Raggedy Ann stuck in a Barbie Doll World
FarmGirl#1737
http://www.etsy.com/shop/moonhonu |
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cowgirlandboys
True Blue Farmgirl
308 Posts
Rachael
Missouri
USA
308 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 8:55:05 PM
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I have teenage boys who are almost ready to fly the coop and it is hard on me because I realize that, having homeschooled for the past 15 years, a lot of my friendships are based on that association. I wonder if I am going to suffer from the empty nest stuff more because I homeschooled? :P
I am trying to re-develop the interests I had to give up to homeschool full time (while working and having my own life!) but I am still in the midst of graduating one from high school and getting the other one started, so while I see that in less than 5 years my job will be done, I don't have much time in the meantime to develop "outside interests". I also have to come up with a career between now and then, and that has been difficult to envision.
Thanks for sharing your stories, sisters, it really helps those of us to know there is another side to this part of our lives. :)
Happy Trails!
Rachael
Farmgirl Sister #535 |
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 10:56:14 PM
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Hello Connie,
We both had our children young didn't we?? I think that if I would of had time to be independant before getting married and having kids things might be a bit different. I am feeling a bit better since I wrote this. My daughter is now home from college for summer break :D Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you!
quote:
Originally posted by naturemaiden
Hi Angela,
I'm 41, my boys are going on 23 and 17. My older son was suppose to leave for college after High School- I was a mess- I was panicking and depressed. Luckily plans changed at the last minute. I can't bear the thought of my boys leaving, though i know the time will come. At least if he left at this point I'd feel better about it. It was not ready at 18 to go anywhere. He is more mature and responsible now. It was SO hard on me when he almost left- I am so overprotective and worry a lot. Time flies so fast. I wish they were still babies. Now with my younger one getting ready to drive soon- I'll have new worries. SIGH. Having had kids young, they've always been my whole life, and the thought of letting them go terrified me. I've come to terms at this point with them getting older and the changes that will come with that. Soon there will be a new wonderful chapter of our lives- to share their adult lives with them.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/- Handcrafted Bath & Body products
http://flowerchild-lifeinthegarden.blogspot.com/ My Blog
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/farmgirl-crafting-group/ - A group for all farmgirls wanting to share their craft.
Farmgirl Sister#2808
"Happy Hens make Happy Eggs"
http://lazyjoranch.blogspot.com
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 10:58:38 PM
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Thank you for sharing Laurie and congratulations to you!quote:
Originally posted by Montrose Girl
Being on the other end of the empty nest syndrome, I am chuckling. I'm 44, recently married and am now expecting a baby. My mom had moved across the street from me a few years ago and she is going through empty nest syndrome worse now then when I went away to college 20 + years ago. I moved about an hour away. She tries hard, but I can still see the loss. I then have to remind her, when does she have time to miss me, as she goes to Florida and off to work (more traveling), volunteers, quilts and is busier than I could ever be. Her response "It's a mom thing". So I guess, while I see that it will lessen and maybe get easier, don't expect it to ever go away. I think that is just part of being a mom which I will discover myself in 20 years...oh boy. And soon there will be a grandchild!
Honestly I am enjoying the adult years with my mom more than I did as a child, and I think she is too. So grab on to those. You'll have lots more adult years, than child years anyways.
Laurie
http://www.inntheorchardbnb.com/
Farmgirl Sister#2808
"Happy Hens make Happy Eggs"
http://lazyjoranch.blogspot.com
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 11:01:13 PM
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Kudos to you for homeschooling Rachael!quote:
Originally posted by cowgirlandboys
I have teenage boys who are almost ready to fly the coop and it is hard on me because I realize that, having homeschooled for the past 15 years, a lot of my friendships are based on that association. I wonder if I am going to suffer from the empty nest stuff more because I homeschooled? :P
I am trying to re-develop the interests I had to give up to homeschool full time (while working and having my own life!) but I am still in the midst of graduating one from high school and getting the other one started, so while I see that in less than 5 years my job will be done, I don't have much time in the meantime to develop "outside interests". I also have to come up with a career between now and then, and that has been difficult to envision.
Thanks for sharing your stories, sisters, it really helps those of us to know there is another side to this part of our lives. :)
Happy Trails!
Rachael
Farmgirl Sister #535
Farmgirl Sister#2808
"Happy Hens make Happy Eggs"
http://lazyjoranch.blogspot.com
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2011 : 12:30:06 PM
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| just tossing my two cents in, i am 53 with three in college and one in high school. ages 23 to 15. it's hard to have grown kids living at home and yet there are times I am terrified of the thought of them not being here. so I waffle back and forth and try to keep my bearings. I have gone back to school, found a part time job, and am going back to interests and hobbies I dropped 20 some years ago. Oh yeah, I get to finally spend time alone with my hubby ! |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2011 : 07:54:49 AM
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I think if you find being an empty nester is causing a real conflict or depression in your life, you might consider counseling. Counseling is not a long term commitment. My DD5 was having some trouble adjusting to preschool because of social skills. I took her to a counselor 3 times over 2 months. The counselor gave us suggestions and tools we could use. On her third visit she was "cured" and did not need to go back.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Family Matters: Empty Nest |
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Empty Nest
