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Family Matters:  Why is it...  |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 25 2011 : 10:02:18 PM
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I gather that nearly all, if not 100% of our farm girl community has suffered more than her share of deep hurt, and I wager that's what makes them so strong.
I've seen a lot of abusive men (including my father towards my mother) and in my travels I've had the opportunity to counsel a lot of abused women. Abusers always control through fear (fear ranging from planting the idea that no one besides the abuser will ever love the victim, or that the world outside the home is too hopeless for the victim to support herself.) When the victim becomes desensitized to emotional abuse and no longer responds, the abuse ALWAYS escalates. When the victim no longer reacts to shouting or shoving, it escalates to physical lash outs, then the abuse just becomes more severe as the abuser exerts however much violence it takes to keep his victim submissive. I've known one woman who's boyfriend "grounded her" for not playing an online video game well enough for his standards, and expected her to perform a massive list of VIRTUAL CHORES to avoid getting bounced off the walls. "Grounded" a young woman for not pushing the buttons on her keyboard fast enough for him.
The emotional hold these men have over these women is rooted in a need for approval. Generally a victim looks to her abuser as someone who is meant to "complete" and accept her. The very best thing you can do for someone is offer them unconditional love, and hope that the spell is broken.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 08:11:38 AM
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My first marriage was abusive. There was occasional physical abuse, but the majority was verbal and mental. We married at 19, and had our first child 7 months later. I grew up in the Bay Area, but he immediately moved me away from my friends and family. He wouldn't let me have a phone. He took my pager even, saying we couldn't afford these things. The things he said about my family, my supportive network, started out small, nit-picking, buy grew. By the time we had been married 6 years, I had no friends of my own, I had no self chosen activities, and was working three jobs, while he stayed home, to avoid being "lazy". I had no one, and honestly couldn't see why. When we'd been married 5 years, I became pregnant with our second child. He was so angry. He didn't want more children. I was working, and felt terribly ill. I texted, and went home to tell him. He refused to own up to this child, and spent a month asking me who the father was. I was starting to FINALLY get angry, finally defend myself as I had done nothing wrong. I stood there, looked him in the eye, and told him he was a father, but if he failed at this, he was no MAN at all. The next thing I remember, I was flying through the family room. I crashed into a fish tank and slid down. He said awful things, the last of which was "I hope you lose your baby." I started that day hiding half my paychecks. I avoided speaking, as to not upset him. I cooked his favorite meals, I cleaned, worked, and sewed new baby clothes. I went out with his chosen friends, and I saved. Two weeks before the baby was born, I bought a car. I knew he was cheating on me, but I was leaving. He brought her to my home, as a 'friend' the day I brought the car home. Inside, I was soaring, proud, and scared. I had taken charge. I had saved enough to get out, keep the kids fed, and bought my own car! I was something, I mattered, but maybe I wasn't as sneaky as I thought, he slapped me down to nothing, me and my brand new baby girl, beautiful 6 year old son, and we were reduced to entertaining his new mistress, in our home!
At first, I had the reaction he was going for. I didn't matter, o wouldn't be alright out there, just me and the kids, my own family ostrasized... then one night I woke to him in the living room smoking marijuana! My babies were in the house. They were sleeping just down the hall. The whole house was smoky! I packed. All my furniture, clothes, pots pans, everything. He watched laughed, and I was never gonna leave, never gonna make it... his biggest mistake, was threatening or endangering my children. When the attack is on you, you can believe you deserve it, or you're doing wrong, or you're not lovable...but I knew my small children we doing nothing wrong. I know the are lovable. I moved pit February of 03, and found plenty more struggles, but I am safe, happy, and my kids are whole.
I say all this to say I wish my family had suspected. I wish they had pushed closer, instead of getting hurt feelings and backing off. Stay close. Talk often. Don't let him win. Let her know constantly how much you love her. I'm so sorry for your situation, and will be praying!
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 08:17:39 AM
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Cindy, that is amazing to me how someone can have that much power over another human being. I'll have to check on the support group. But they won't even go to AA or anything anymore. he doesn't see that he has a problem and she can't get him to go anymore. They were going to a church supported recovery program. But he didn't like it after a few times. That's the thing. They have both been to so many rehab places and been through the programs. They know they are doing the wrong thing by drinking and other things. They know all about it.
Jennifer, that's what jeff does to her. He will not let her do something or take the keys. He's very controlling. I guess he has been all along really. But he's so coniving. He gets people to believe him and makes H look like the crazy one. I hope she will see all this soon. I just have to be careful what I say anymore. She takes everything the wrong way or turns it all around.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 08:30:52 AM
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Annette, that's what I am afraid of now. That he will move them down to S. Ga. near his parents. He has 2 kids down there. But he's already made it hard for her to have any friends. She only has one good friend and she won't take anything off Jeff. She sees what he's doing. Her and H were texting Sat. and Jeff took the phone from her and texted Babbs and said some pretty nasty things. She called me for their address. Said she was going to call the police for harrassment if he texted her back. Of course he didn't. he'll only go so far then back off. But he has her phone now. I will call and then get a text back. She won't call. So I think it's him sending messages to me. Because some things do not sound like what she would say.
I am so glad you got out of there and your children. So did your family just back off and leave y'all alone during all this? Did you try to keep in touch with them? Or did they just not know what was going on? I do know and she knows I know. Everyone knows but her. Even her other kids know. And now the neighbors know. So it's not like a big secret and they are trying to hide it. It's way out in the open. What would you have done if they did try to get you away from him? Sorry for all the questions. I just want to be able to understand a little more how it is to be IN a relationship like this.
And thank you for your prayers. As one who has been there, you know what she's going through.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 08:38:29 AM
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Try to not say anything about him or the relationship. I know how hard that really is. My parents finally managed to do that and therefore there was nothing that he could say and to this day he really believes that my parents liked him. I still do see him because of the kids and thanks to God we have reached a place where he cannot touch me ever again. What I am saying is difficult to do when you know that she can do so much better. But in order to keep the door open for her you have to leave the creep to God and let Him handle that part of the problem. She unfortunately will learn tactics from him to manipulate things that she can control. It is a vast hurtful round robin. And you can bet that she will make every attempt to control what she thinks she can. Remember "a soft answer turns away wrath". That may be the best that can be done in this situation until she has had enough.
CMF |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 09:17:13 AM
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Cherime, I have realized this too. But she would start in on him and then before I knew it, I would be too. So yes, it is best to not say anything to her about him. That's why I always said we should never talk bad about our husbands to others. In a good relationship, that is. But I have to learn to keep my mouth shut from now on about him to her. But ya know what? I really think she believes she cannot get anyone better than whoever she is with at the time. Her self esteem is so low that's what she attracts. Her very 1st boyfriend was the sweetest guy I have ever seen her with. Ever. But she was so young then. I remember having to drive them around. I never thought I would ever do that but I did. And I guess you are right about her learning from him. So right now she is thinking she is in control of this situation and that I need to stay away and mind my own buisiness. That's what she told my step dad, that we all just need to mind our own business, that she can handle this and she loves him and they are just fine. But she will see eventually. I hope. All I can do right now is pray for them.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 1:59:27 PM
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Kris, never be sorry for asking questions! That's how we learn. Besides, I posted my story, so I could try to help. No, my family NEVER backed off, I did. At first it was because he would say little nasty or rude things, sleep in when they'd visit, walk right past when they came over, and not even acknowledge them, and it was embarrassing. Example, my baby shower the year we were married. When my mom and daddy loaded up my car and theirs, and we brought it all home, he yelled at me for being loud and waking him. It was after 3 pm, then he walked past my parents, without even a hello, and went to the neighbours, as we unloaded both cars, he never lifted a finger, and these things wherefore his baby!
As time went on, he used my mothers fear of freeway driving against me. My daddy is a Gedion, so he travels a lot. If he couldn't drive, my mom we petrified to drive to Sacramento to see me, so a lot of time would pass between visits."if she cared, if she Livedoor, she would get over it and come visit..." my daddy is a retired police officer. A week before his retirement dinner, was the first time he hit me. He wrecked my car, and I got angry. I got in his face, I pushed him further than I ever dreamed myself capable of, as I am TOO gentle by nature. I was shocked. My mom.called that day, to ask if I would like them to pick us up, so we could go to daddys dinner. He had said he wouldn't go so many times, but this day, he said he had changed his mind, that he'd love to go! In my mind, he was sorry. He had to regret it too! He is remorseful! Things are going to get better! He was wonderful that week. Kind, loving...and at the dinner, I was floating to have him with us! He went to watch me Kris. How much trouble would he be in if I told!?! Things were okay for a short time, bit they grew steadily worse. I started to believe I wasn't lovable. He was right. I was a disappointment to all. I worked multiple jobs, but there was never enough money...I didn't go to church anymore, so my mom was saying how I wasn't raising my son to the best of my ability...in my low self-esteem, she was saying I was a bad mom. She didn't know, I always hid things. I stopped going to holidays at home, because I didn't have a car anymore, and with no phone, I'd only call home when is visit my in-laws. I bought a cell phone because I had a pampered chef business and I am a manicurist, so clients needed to get hold of me. He took it from me, and caused me of having affairs. My mother in law took ally calls for me, and drove me to all my PC parties. I told her I couldn't afford the cell.
The last time he hit me, his best friend was there. He jumped off the couch, tackled my husband, and said he was crazy, and did he really want to become part of the pavement? Then Joe took me to Folsom lake, and gave me his cell, and made me call home. I broke, told mom everything.my DS was 6, and my DD was 2 months old. The next day my mom, daddy, aunt, grandparents, two trucks and a trailer were there. I was loved, I was protected, but they didn't know, so they don't know I needed them.
I'm so glad I got us out too. My ex has really tried to change. He has a long way to go, but the girlfriend he brought to our home, broke his heart, and when he came to is, he realized how he'd burned his bridges, endangered us, and ultimately threw his family away. So, even though he is 34 going on 18, he gets small doses of credit for finally admitting and apologizing.
I will say I had a husband approved friend, he would let me go see, who finally said she knew. I got upset. Talking about it, and being embarrassed put me on the defensive.so I agree, don't talk to her about it. Don't mention anything. You said she knows you know....so now its up to her. Just never miss a chance to say I love you. When you can, just show up, or meet for lunch....just be the constant support network she may not know she needs right now. Do not let contact or communications drift off. Be a constant. So she knows that she knows that she knows in her knower that she is loved, and the harmful, opressing attention from her husband isn't love, but the family is a strong hold, without judgment. Stay strong and pray, even when you get angry or frustrated, remind yourself how easily the abuser can distort her perception. The grand canyon was carved by a small slow steady drip. The constant control or belittlement no matter how small, if often can erode self-esteem and your own value. It distorts how you believe everyone feels about you. In the end, you feel worthless, no mater your efforts, and you are ashamed and defensive.
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 3:16:35 PM
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Wow, Annette. I just sent her a text saying hello, I just wanted to say I luv you. I'll keep trying to keep the peace as much as I can. Thank you so much for sharing. And this makes me want to help her even more now. When she was here I was not making it easy on her at all. I really wanted her to be able to get an apartment in town close to wrok and school. We talked alot about that. And she wanted to do that too. But she has never been able to do anything alone without a guy around.
She just called me. So we talked a while. I just told her she is welcome here and we want her to be around here and that we both love her and she was ok with all that. And said she loves us too. I talked to k for a long time too. She got off the bus today and her mom said to go look in her room. She had an Easter basket full of goodies. She didn''t get one Easter morning. So she was happy about that. Abd she's going on a field trip at school Friday. And her birthday os Sat. SO she's pretty excited.
Does this sound like typical behavior to you? Is she just putting on a front? I was going to say there is a women's shelter near her that she could go to for help. And the one my mom worked at had advocates to help them in court. So there is help out there that she could get. She just needs to know where to go.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 4:13:44 PM
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Kris, please, please, please be very careful that he does NOT know you are making plans to help her when she is ready. Some men have become very abusive and dangerous once they feel they no longer hold the upper hand. I do not want anything to happen to you daughter or grand-daughter. Get it all in place but don't text or talk about your plans/help if there is any way he could know.
You are doing the right thing. Just let her know you love her unconditionaly and trust her as a mom to do the best things for her daughter. Let her know that you are there for her and that she and K. can tell you anything. Don't bad mouth him-it will just make her defensive because she doesn't/can't yet admit even to herself that she made a mistake. She doesn't feel like she deserves better. She feels like it is her fault. Just keep loving her.
I was SO good at not letting anyone know what was really going on with me/us. It is embarassing and you feel defective and stupid if people know. I pretended things were fine/going to get better-even to myself. It takes BIG courage to leave when you are so scared nobody else would want you and fearful that you know you can't stand on your own 2 feet and don't want to go running back to mom especially when she really knows how bad you screwed up. Just keep loving her and that you trust her to do what is right for her little girl even if you don't. She doesn't need him to go to therapy-if he won't, go for herself-try Alanonor tell him the school says his daughter needs help and she wants to be there for her. Just please be careful. Hugs and prayers to you all, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 5:14:39 PM
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Nothing *you* do will ever get her to make her decision to leave. When a woman makes the decision to leave, it's because something happens that forces her to confront it, and it just clicks with her that she needs to get out, and nothing is going to get better. The most effective thing I've ever done to help a woman leave, I've found was being there, and listening as a safe confidant. I've had access to a lot of abused women who's abuser thought he had her successfully cut off from anyone who would contradict him. Then we found each other, and there was someone who told her that his behavior was NOT that of a normal loving husband/boyfriend. I was a safe friend to confide in because the guy never stopped to think that a friend from a video game could help her escape, and I didn't judge her for choosing the guy, or staying.
I know what it is to draw your self worth from your spouse's opinion of you, I'm just blessed to have such a wonderful, loving man to call husband. He occupies such an important place in my heart and life, I am incredibly grateful that he uses that place to build me up, when so many men simply break their helpmate down.
Anyway, I've veered off topic. When you're in a position to be a "safe" person, it's easier to chip away at the damage that's been done to an abuse victim's self esteem. Trying to force someone to face the truth isn't going to do it. She needs to be ready to confront the problem, all that is required of you is to help make it possible to leave when she's ready.
Since your daughter is convinced that her relationship is "working out", in your position I would invite your GD to come help out on the farm this summer and stay with you while your daughter and her husband spend some "quality time". It may make a difference between them, it may not, but at least your grandbaby is out of the middle.
Incidentally,
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 5:34:57 PM
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An edit post feature would be nice..... ignore that "incidentally"-- I edited out the sentence that went with it before posting lol. I'm sure you can easily invent some farm project you could use your grand's hand with. (Too much garden? need help canning? unexpected extra goat kids? neighbor needs to pay a pet sitter for vacation? putting together a crafts table for farmer's market?)
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2011 : 8:28:01 PM
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I am not going to even talk about Jeff to her. And I would never let him know what I am thinking. I will keep my distance. As far as summer, I really don't know what she has planned. I had told her several months ago that I would not be able to watch K all summer like I always have. But I would keep her a few days a week. I always need help around here and she is a good helper. Her sisters are as well. So I will see what happens. I know that if she is here she is safe and well cared for. But she loves her momma and misses her after a few days.
So thanks again for all the great advice and help. I think I will just act like everything is ok and that she's ok and just let her know I am here for her.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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gypsy goat
True Blue Farmgirl
673 Posts
mary jo
michigan
673 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 06:11:22 AM
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looks like you have gotten alot of good suggestions and support-i am so glad. i hope things will work out for the best for all invovled it is a very delicate tough situation,and each case is different. in my case i finally came to my senses and the last time he raised his hand to me i told him he better make a good one cause if he didn't i would finish it,shortly thereafter i found him crying under the kitchen table(not because i hit him) and i told him to get up and be a man! he left,threating suicide and wound up in a respit and within a couple months the relationship was over. but the scars and emotional baggage lasted for years. hugs to you and yours
farmgirl#1362 whatever you are be a good one-abe lincoln |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 09:41:10 AM
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Kris, The fact that she has been exposed to rehab is a good thing! She has heard enough and learned enough about the tools of recovery that when she decides to do something she knows there is a way to do it. That gives me hope for her. Imagine if she knew nothing? What a hopeless place that would be. Many alcoholics/addicts say that using is never the same after they went to rehab. You can't unlearn what you know!
Please take care. The storms from here are headed your way today.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 6:32:38 PM
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I read an article in our local paper today about a formerly abused woman who is now traveling and giving speeches to law enforcement, social workers, etc. She said she never realized, when she was being abused, that it was a crime. Once your DD realizes that a crime has been committed against her, it may give her the motivation to end the relationship for good. Hope this helps.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 05:11:56 AM
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Oh Kris-I, too, have been in a physical/mentally abusive relationship-they say that 3 out of 10 women are currently in an abusive relationship-so it's much more prevalent than anyone thinks.
Mostly, you feel like you deserve the abuse. Really, after it's all said and done, you almost put up a mental block to the abuse and try to rationalize it.
What really made me realize the severity of the abuse was when my parents literally stole me away for 10 days and took me on a vacation (Without him! It was difficult for me to go without him, and my boyfriend at the time was mad I was going, but he couldn't afford to pay for his own ticket! I think my parents did that on purpose.) Being around other people without having to go home to him, or fear him "showing up" and seeing me talk to people, and being the focus of all his anger and jealousy was so eye-opening.
Kristen, the abuse was so severe I ended up placing a child we had together in an open adoption-I get pictures and letters, and I got to choose the family-we're still in touch; but he was so dangerous and violent I couldn't imagine raising a child with him-and I STILL stayed after placing her! One person on this forum thinks I'm a horrible person for placing my first child in a better situation, but I KNOW I made the right choice! Now that I'm married and have a child, (we send pictures of her to my first daughter's family, I am so sure I made the right decision-who knows what would've happened to her if my ex had been woken by her crying, or had done something "Wrong" or made a mess!)
I'll pray that something comes along and opens her eyes as well before something horrible happens.
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 07:56:21 AM
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Mary Jo, good for you for standing up to him. That's what it took to get away and that's great. It sounds like you have really grown from this and are a wonderful person.
Connie, I love what you said. You can't unlearn what you know. That is so true, She does know so much and even quotes certain things. What's so rediculous is he does too. And wears all these Christian shirts. Anyway, that's so right. Thanks.
Cindy, can you find out who this lady is? I would love to read more about her. And maybe get her to come here.
Megan, I do not see a thing wrong with what you did. I don't know how people can't see that. You know in your own heart what to do and you did it and it was the best thing to do. And I am so happy for you that you found your hubby and that you have such a precious little sweetie. So happy for you both. And I am so glad your parents stuck with you and didn't give up on you.
Heather and I are talking now and things seem to be going ok. I still worry about her sleeping so much. Like right now I bet she's asleep and K is out of school because of the storms and no power. So K is there by herself with her momma sleeping. If she is awake I will be so glad. I will call her when I am heading to town. The place she works in Flintstone had the transformer blow so no power there so no work. The whole town of Flintstone has no power and won't for days. I am on my way there to see all the damage done.
I am so thankful that I have such a great groop of ladies here to talk to. I am so glad I can come here and not be afraid to say things. And that I get so much great advice and help from you all. Thank you SO much and I really appreciate all the prayers for H and K right now. I know one day she will wake up and see what's really going on.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 08:05:32 AM
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I am saddened by all the abuse my farmgirl sisters have endured. I give you all credit for being so strong and gettin out. I was also in an abusive relationship. My first marriage was to a man that drank and did drugs and bought any toy that he wanted. I had to work nights because I couldn't afford a babysitter. I got off work early one night only to see his vehicle parked at a local bar. He was supposed to be home with our 6 month old son. I pulled in the parking lot to find my baby sleeping in the parked car outside the bar and the doors were unlocked. Big mistake! I took my son and gave my ex the scare of his life. After that incident I started working days. The drugs and alcohol came before groceries. He was very mean when he was drinking and I was his target. He accused me of cheating all the time. It was so bad that I stopped going anywhere, just to not have to listen to the accusations. We lived out in the boonies and only had one vehicle. He would come home and look for car tracks in the driveway! I won't go into details, but one druken night he started punching me and forced himself on me. I got pregnant with my DD that night. I decided to leave, my family helped me get an apartment and I was packing a few things. He went into a frenzy and kicked me down the stairs while I was carrying my 3 1/2 year old son. I didn't leave because he did the begging and crying thing. That was the pattern. He would get crazy and abusive and then cry and beg and promise. I was an enabler and fell for it. Fast forward a few years later. I saved enough money to put down on a house in town. We bought the house and I continued to work. I started my own business painting and wallpapering. The more successful I became, the more abusive he became. Then one night after his dart league he came home drunk and went crazy. Threw garbage all over the house and started pounding on me. Well, the mama lion came out. I grabbed the baseball bat and the phone and called the police. He pulled the phone out of the wall. I ran into the kitchen and got that phone and held the bat in swing position and actually wanted to hit a home run with his head. That was the end of the marriage. It was the best thing I ever did. It was really hard to raise two kids, but so worth it.
Prayers to all the farmgirls that have endured or are enduring abuse. You don't have to.
Prayers to you Kristin and your DD and GD, may she find the strength to end the cycle of abuse.
By the way, he has not changed. Still an alcoholic that has very little relationship with his children. You cannot change them, you have to get out and start a new life.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
Edited by - Fiddlehead Farm on Apr 28 2011 2:18:38 PM |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 08:06:07 AM
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Megan, Your parents were really smart to get you away for a few days. Sometimes time away can give an abused woman enough distance to gain some perspective. When it is so close it is hard to see.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 12:51:53 PM
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The church my parents went to enabled my dad to abuse my mom. They were trying to have a good, Christian marriage, and they had a nice ranch and a productive business, and every time my mom would do something under her own power, his primal side would "take her down a notch". As an adult, and married to a real man, 20 years later, I can easily say my father was no man at all. He allowed the farm house to go unrepaired, (we just cordoned off parts of the house that became inhabitable, and didn't have running water for 2 years, or electricity in half the house including the kitchen in the early 90s.)
He never spent any length of time working on our land (As I look into getting my own family farm off the ground, I am infuriated by the sheer amount of produce that grew feral that was left to rot on 60 acres because no one bothered to harvest it, and he would not allow anyone else to do so. My 7 year old self harvested the majority of the orchards just in play.
Anyway, my parents went to marriage counseling with their pastor. My mom was hoping someone would intervene and tell him that controlling his wife with violence was wrong. My dad went because that's just what he figured he should do when his wife said she wanted a divorce.
The minister saw them separately at first, and I gathered that he told my mother she should be more submissive to not aggravate him. He told my father he should use the puritan style discipline "grounded in love" -- like you would raise a child.
Obviously, nothing improved, and the pastors advice to my father became "you should file for the divorce first so you get more of the property." His advice to my mother was "you should give some of your horses and livestock away to the men in the congregation for free to decrease your burden."
When the divorce was final it was "sorry but we don't allow divorced women in the choir, it sets a bad image."
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 4:05:12 PM
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Diane, I am so sorry you and your kids had to go through all that abuse. That happens so much when people go to bars and leave their kids in the car. I think they think they are being a good parent because at least they didn't leave them at home alone. I can't even imagine. I am so glad you were finally able to leave too.
I am kind of having a hard time reading all these posts from y'all. I am so blessed to have found such a great husband. I have no idea what you all have gone through. And it just breaks my heart to read all you have gone through. And these kids too. But Ibet they are all great kids today. And you all are so fortunate to have gotten out and to become the great women you are today. I woul dhave had no idea that y'all were in abusive relationships by reading your posts in other threads here. No idea. That's how much y'all have grown to become great mothers and wives and friends. I am so glad to know you all. Thank you so much for sharing your stories here. This so gives me hope for my daughter's future.
Jen, That is kind of like H and Jeff. He is the "head of the household" and the "leader". H says that if he drinks it must be ok because he's the "man" and she should follow him. Oh, that is so not right. How these guys take Christianity and twist it around for their glory. So sad. And they believe it. They are the ones who are decieved. And the church condoning it is just as bad as the person doing it.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 4:10:08 PM
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Hope is such a powerful word.
Hugs on you Kris :)
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 4:16:17 PM
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Kris, I think you are doing the best thing for your daughter. I pray all works out. It's very frightening, but the lord can work things out, and He knows when and what she needs. I will continue to pray its soon, and all becomes whole for your DD and DGD. I'm sure the behavior is normal. Just make sure your DGD doesn't "hide" when she visits, and there are no marks on her. Once, when my DH was really upset, he slammed his hand on the table. My three youngest startled, and stared, but my oldest, who witnessed the abuse and had been away from it for 5 years, dropped to the floor, hid under the table, and cried. I guess the aggression had triggered a memory. My ex NEVER laid a hand on our son, but he obviously was broken by seeing what daddy did to mommy. Watch for subtleties and small changes, if she too is being abused, then its time to step around your DD, for your DGD safety.
Jen, its really not changing the subject at all to mention deriving self-image, self-value, or self-opinion and even strength from others approval. I too based everything I was worth on my spouses opinion of me. I ment ONLY what they showed me I ment. When I ment nothing, I was worth nothing. When I served a purpose, (cooking, cleaning, makin babies...) then I was earning my keep, in my own mind. Til my relationships became more like a servant and master sort of thing, and I constantly strove for approval. At the risk of sounding "preachy", just a year ago, this changed for me. When I accepted the Lord, I realized, truely applied the fact that a perfect God loved me, broken down, weak selfish me, so much, I was WORTH His Son's life, in exchange for mine. He will NEVER hurt me. NEVER betray me. NEVER throw me to the wolves for selfish intentions. Bit I believe so many women starve to be loved, cherished, and protected we open ourselves too soon, to the wrong people, and are so vulnerable. No mater how strong we are, we were made to love, nurture, and I hate this word but "obey" the partner we chose. This only works out to our benefit if the partner we are with loves us like they should. If they are real men.
I went to a Christian marriage counselor/pastor. Recently. My DH and I had come to a fork in the road, where it was time to make divorce decisions. There was a lot of stuff going on I didn't want MY pastor knowing about. I found a different pastor, out of town(small towns have BIG mouths). He was young, and in the same denomination, and said he'd counciled lots of troubled couples. I listened whole-heartedly. My DH however, lied and lied. The pastor never got the whole true story, so the advice he gave was incorrect. How can you genuinely help, and give productive accurate advice if you don't have the WHOLE story? I wound up taking the ill-advice, and foolishly hurt someone in the process. Do you think it is possible your father lied? Denial causes some of the lies, because the abuser doesn't usually "see" their defect. I'm sorry your mother was cut out of the choir. I know that is a common practice. My step daddy couldn't be an elder, as he was abused constantly by his ex-wife. She had an affair and he finally could biblically divorce her, but as a divorced man, the most he could be in service in a PCAG church was an usher. No divorced deacons or elders. It's sad. I do know there is some truth to if you can't keep your home life in order, how do you fill a leadership roll in a congregation....bit the choir? I'm so sorry. I'm glad your mom is out of that controlling situation now. Hugs to the many strong women.
Megan, 3 out of 10 women are abused? Do you ever wonder, if the numbers are so high, why we feel so alone, and are so afraid to leave, and allow it to happen? There are shelters, police stations, friends, parents, yet we stay, and tell ourselves no one will understand....
Praise God we all got out. I think it was very brave of you to get your first child out of danger. It must have sliced at your heart unbearabley. I'm glad you got out, too. I'm glad your parents got you away, and you were able to see how not only your child, but you also were in danger. Any one who criticizes you for protecting you child, is foolish, and incredibly unkind. Unless someone has walked in your shoes, there is no way they could know what they would have done. None of us should judge anyone, let alone here. Re-read the definition of a sister on mjf. I did, and it reminded me who I am, and what I stand for.
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 6:29:33 PM
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All of these stories made me think of part of the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". The part were Ruth was telling Idgy about when Frank beat her, thanking the Lord for the strength to take it and thanking the Lord for every day that her Mama lived eventhough she was begging her to help her and all she could do was pray. If that b-----d Frank ever took her child, she wouldn't pray...she would break his neck. I say pray to the Lord for the strength to leave.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 6:38:47 PM
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Kris,
Thank you. I am glad that I left. Looking back, it took a lot of courage and strength. My children were so much better off. We may have been poor, but we were safe and not abused anymore. I never re-married until 12 years later. My DH married me eventhough my kids were teen-agers! He is the first man in my life that I never had to "change" for. There are good men out there.
Another thing is this. As mothers, we need to raise our sons to be good men. Staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children is not the way to do it.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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