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Across the Fence:  Daughter -in -law problem!!  |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 07:15:55 AM
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Okay my son and his wife just had their first baby. He is 3 months old. I keep him about 3 days out of the week. And I have kept him all night 3 times now so they could get some rest. Since the baby was born all she has talked about is how you should never lay a baby on their stomach to sleep. Well I layed him one time on his stomach to sleep. He was right beside me and I kept a close eye on him which I always do. Last week she started quizing me on where do I put him when he falls asleep. I told her I put him in the bassinet or his car seat or swing. She ask me if I have ever put him on his stomach and I told her one time I did but watched him closely. She told my son that I was disrepectful for doing that and that I owed her an apology. That I did not obey her instructions. And she may never let me keep him again. I always put my babies on their stomachs when they were babies I do not feel like I have done any thing wrong. I am not apologizing. Am I being stubborn? She does not work. She does not seem like she can handle the baby no more than about 3 days a week. She has no mother I am the only grandmother to the baby. I do not feel like she is appreciating the help. I am not apologizing!! Isn't it funny though my son brought the baby to me this morning and tells me this.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 07:29:28 AM
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Dorinda, both my kids were always on their tummies. They are still alive today. And what is wrong with these new mothers who always need a break from their kids? I'm sorry, but I never got a break when I was raising mine. I had them and I was going to take care of them. If I ever got to go somewhere without them I was ever so grateful. But I can understand a little how she feels. Her doctor I'm sure has told her to never put the baby on his tummy becuase he could suffocate. SO I am sure she's a little worried about that with the first child. So don't worry. I'm sure she'll get over it when she needs a break again. You are a good grandma. And free too! Can't beat that.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Mommyswanson
True Blue Farmgirl
463 Posts
Laura
Waukegan
IL
USA
463 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 07:38:06 AM
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I think the pediatricians put alot off fear in young mothers about the tummy sleeping due to sids. I know even in out day care center liscensing standards it states that infants must me put to sleep on theri backs. My kids too liked to sleep on their tummies but here in Illinois there is a big push to only put babies to sleep on their backs. I'm sure this is all a little over-whelming for her & if she did not have a good mothering role model she may not know what to do with the poor little guy. She may also have never been treated with appreciation herself or taught how to show it, you would think it would come naturally but my experience is that it does not. Try to be patient with her & even if she doesn't show her appreciation know that your Grandson appreciates it!!!
Laura
"That which does not kill us makes us strong!" "I cast all my cares upon you Lord." |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 08:07:46 AM
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As a fairly new mother, Laura is right--when Violet was born 2 years ago now (sniff), the folks from the hospital,the pediatricians,every article I read, and even local PSA announcements about crib death, told us to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER put Violet on her tummy to sleep. I fretted for months about this little thing, suffocating and unable to move her head. Had nightmares about it and woke up 10 times a night to go and check on her to make sure she was still breathing.
I never placed Violet on her stomach, but she ended up that way, anyway. That's the way she liked to sleep and I figured, if she could flip herself, then she was going to be just fine.
Now, as to needing a break from her child...I dunno about that one. I went back to work, but if I didn't work, I wouldn't have anyone watching her unless I really needed to get some clothes shopping done or something like that, which is rare. Violet does everything with me.
Apologizing? I think I might openly discuss this with the two of them--it's unfair of her to freak out and you hear about it through your son. Puts him in an awkward spot, and it's second hand information. I'd want to get right to the root of it. In a non-confrontational way, just say something like, "I'm confused as to why believe I disrespected your wishes. I raised my children this way, and while I understand things have changed...."
I recall my mom telling me that when I was 3 weeks old, my father fell gravely ill and my Great Grandmother came to stay with us to help out. She was in her late 70's then, and had babies in the early 1900's...apparently, mom came home from the hospital to her scorching flour in a cast iron skillet to "cure my nappie rash", and my mom got REALLY righteous and feisty about it (that's ridiculous, use the Desitin!) and my Great Grandmother put her in her place right away. She'd "given birth to three healthy baby girls in her own bed, without a nurse or doctor present, raised them to fine young women when other babies died, made their own nappies, clothes and kept house with a VERY measely income from a much older husband..." and my diaper rash was gone about the end of their arguments, so my poor little 23 year old mom had to apologize to HER ;)
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Melina
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Melina
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 09:01:09 AM
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Give her a break. New mom, lots of scary warnings, and a mother-in-law who didn't follow her instructions. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 09:22:10 AM
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I don't know about the new thought on not putting babies on their tummies to sleep. My son was very colic and the Doctor recommended that he sleep on his tummy in case he vomited and then inhaled it while on his back. Both of my babies were tummy sleepers and one is now 29 and the other is 25! I don't know what else to tell you, other than it is really nice of you to take care of your grandbaby like you do. You are on a slippery slope when it comes to your son, his wife and you. I hope she appreciates that you want to take care of your grandbaby. My Mom never wanted to watch my children when they were little. I can't wait to have some grandbabies to take care of. Maybe you should just apologize and then let it lie, so you can still be a part of your grandbabies life.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 1:44:12 PM
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I agree with Kristin. I laid my kids on their tummies to sleep all the time. I always felt like if they spit up they would choke on it instead of it dribbling onto their bed....go figure. And I also agree that what the heck is happening to mother's these days that get sooooo worn out taking care of their kids? Are they just status symbols? HEY look everybody, I have a KID!!! I wore my kids in all kinds of slings and backpacks when I was a young mother. Wherever I went ...they went! Whatever I did, they did...Don't feel guilty. You laid the child on it's stomach, not tried to sell it on the black market!
Believe me too, I know from experience that daughter-in-laws can be huge instigators between Moms and Sons!!!
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
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msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 4:08:37 PM
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I'd let it pass. She's still hormonal, sleep-deprived and a new mom. I got catty with my mom and MIL, too, and I am sure it was just due to being a hormonal wreck. However, it IS her child. I'd hate to get between a momma and her baby, even if I felt she was doing something wrong. We're only talking about flipping a baby on the right side to sleep on, after all. Even if you feel you were not 'in the wrong', you still did technically not do what she asked. I know it is petty as HECK, but...well, you know what they say about a mama bear and her cub.
I'd let it gloss over and, shoot, I'd probably even give a small apology. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?
Yes, she's blowing it out of proportion, but at 3 months postpartum, a woman is pretty much still nutty! ;0) Now go and love all over that precious baby!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 5:53:11 PM
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My hubby was an EMT. The cases of SIDS were all babies on their tummy. Daycare centers and such are required by laws to not put babies on their tummy. If the baby rolls there itself then it is ok because it can do it itself.
It is Mom's choice how she wants it done. You may not agree, but that is her choice.
My sister is a doctor and agrees not to put on tummy. I never did. She rolled that way when she could.
But it really is the Mom's choice.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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SuzieQ
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Suzie
Texas
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 6:38:01 PM
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| What I don't understand is that she is not working and she needs a break from being a Mother???? |
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Josmt
Farmgirl at Heart
5 Posts
Marylisa
Alexandria
Va
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Jan 25 2011 : 8:25:33 PM
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Ditto MrsRooster. At the end of the day, it is the Mom's choice. You are doing her a favor by keeping the baby for a few hours, but she does have the choice of not bringing the baby to stay if you choose not to follow her safety guidelines. New guidelines are there for s reason....after research has proven something. Heck, we survived not being in carseats...but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. Now, studies show that a carseat is safer. you may not agreel but that dos not make you right.
I would feel much like your daughter-in-law in this situation. She leaves the baby with you because she trusts you and feels safe leaving her baby there. By ignoring her request, you are basically saying don't respect her decisions...which,in turn, violates the trust.
As for needing a break, I never did with my daughter...but once my son came along, I felt like I needed a break sometimes, big difference for me I that I had (have) postpartum depression with my son that I did not have with my daughter. Could your DIL be suffering from that?
Forgive any silly questions, I am a city girl soon-to-be a country gal. |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2011 : 05:05:26 AM
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Oh Dorinda this is always a hard line to follow. I understand that we all raised our kids differently and they turned out just fine and all you are trying to do it HELP OUT!! I have been walking this line to with the birth of my first grandchild and a DIL who is not secure in her own right. I live by the "Four Agreements" not sure if you have ever read it but the first aggreement is "Take NOTHING Personally". This means even when someone is judging what you have done do not take it personally. I agree if that is how she wishes her baby to be handled then try your best to do so but we all know at some point babies roll over. Since she also does not have a mother around to guide her will be doing double duty. I know your heart is in the right place and lead by example. Talk with her about how your both might communicate better and kinder to each other. Show her the way to behave because that is what a parent does. You are a strong, loving, thoughtful lady and I am sure her words comes more from her uncertainty about her skills then about yours.
Remember the old rule count to ten - sometimes we are asked to count to 100 with some folks. Breathe and know your grandbaby will benefit from your love and care.
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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star-schipp
True Blue Farmgirl
942 Posts
Starletta
Middletown
Indiana
USA
942 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2011 : 06:03:13 AM
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this is so very difficult and one I struggle with myself....it seems the "rules" have all changed since I had my babies - sleep on the back now and not the tummy; no bumperpads in the crib; tap water is now okay and you don't have to sterilize the bottles; cow's milk is okay at six months (I almost had a heart attack on that one)....Your DIL is going by what she has been taught by the medical professionals who have told her that they have evidenced based data that what is safe now.
As has been said, don't take it personally. These days, it is the dr. and nurse who teach mothers and not the previous generation. Your DIL truly thinks that what they have told her is the "gold standard" and as hard as it is for us who were taught differently and our babies turned out okay, we have to go with the flow as grandmothers. There are valid reasons for what mothers are taught these days and we also need to comply. Your relationship with that child will benefit from you calming care that will be a welcome break from a nervous mother!
If you can't feed one hundred people, then just feed one. -Mother Teresa
Star - farmgirl sister #1927
Master Food Preserver |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2011 : 06:12:48 AM
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Okay Most of you Lady's say to apologize and let it go. I do think you are right. I will be seeing her today. So I will sit and have a chat with her. Marylisa you are right about the car seat thing. Things change along the way in life. When it comes to safety with your baby that is all that matters. I kept him yesterday. DIL was born with reumatoid artharitis. She is 29 yrs. old and this is her first and probably only child. She had a hip replacement a couple of years ago and has got to get the other hip replaced in the next couple of years. She stays in alot of pain during the winter months. So baby will be depending on grandma alot! She does have post partum depression. My son said she has been crying alot. She went to the doctor last week and he put her on prozac. I guess that is something for depression. I will try to have more patience. I just hope she appeciates all I am doing for her. I will let this pass and move on. Thanks for your support!!
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2011 : 06:58:15 AM
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Oh Dorinda I feel for you!!! Looks like the mother is coming to the table with a whole host of issues - none of which you have any control over.. If it were me I might not look at it as an apology but rather a misunderstanding. I agree there are so many new guidelines sine we raised babies some good some I think are just plain silly. I agree I hope your DIL will see what a gem see has in you but sometimes folks just don't. I look at it this way when I am watching my grandson - I am doing it for him and growing a relationship with him not the parents. I know it is so hard to under valued - Please remember to do things that fill your cup up and that way you will feel valued in other ways.
I am with you in spirit and hope that your talk goes well. Please keep us in the loop if you wish and know that we support you. I know what you mean about the cow's milk issue I thought I was going to fall on the floor when I was told that one by my DIL... especially since what is in most milk now a days.
Blessings from one new granny to another..
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2011 : 11:29:53 AM
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well I read this thread yesterday and I was not going to comment since I figured you had others who did. but even with her having RA I guess the thing that bothered me was her saying if you don't do as she asked then she would not have you watch the baby. Don't let her hold the baby over your head. i think I would talk to her like you are going to but I would make it really clear that if she says that again, she can do it her way and she can take care of the baby herself. When someone starts holding a child over your head they they think they have you where they want you and she is the one that needs you not the other way around. I love my grand children more than life itself but my daughter knows not to say anything like that to me cause children are not to be dangled like that as far as I am concerned. I have 5 grandchildren and I would do anything for them or my daughter, she knows that... so just have a nice talk but make it clear that she did not respect you either by saying that. If she wants respect she has to give it also...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2011 : 06:46:57 AM
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Dorinda,
I think you have the opportunity to play a big role in your grandson's and DIL's life. If I think how she must be feeling and I may have a unique view because when I gave birth to my daughter, it broke my back. So, I had a newborn and some crazy-bad "discomfort." I don't know if it compares to RA, but some of the feelings may be the same.
Anyway, it can be devastating to feel ill equipped to take care of your child. It doesn't feel good to have to rely on someone who may not particularly like you. It is scary to think of someone else having so much influence on your baby's life. And it can be terrifying to think someone took a "chance" with your baby's life. Add to that pain and depression, not to mention the fact that as women, when we give birth we naturally want our mothers to be there. This young lady has some hurdles that many of us have escaped.
When my mother passed I desperately wanted some love from my MIL. She could have strengthened our relationship at that time. She would have never replaced my mother, but still ...
Give this gal a chance to learn. You have a lot of wisdom to pass on. Have a heart to heart, meeting of the minds, woman to woman talk. Have yhe kleenex nearby. Remember all your important people are her important people, too. So you already have that in common. It makes you on the same team.
Good luck
marianne |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2011 : 07:28:53 AM
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howdy girls, i did not have time to read all the posts. i would say she probably is uncomfortable being a new mom. she loves the baby or would not be so strong about the rules. i do want to say we lost our little tianna at 9 weeks. she was on her back and choked on a burp spit bubble and died. my kids are still lost. she would be 18 yrs. old now. very sad. she was on her BACK> so nothing is perfect. she was my first GD little girl, i have 4 boys. so we were so glad to have a grand daughter. just a thought. love lots of giving love will help her and time. she will relax more as baby grows. sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2011 : 2:43:59 PM
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Sherry,
That's a good reminder to me. Nothing is fool proof. So sorry for your pain.
I especially liked hearing "love lots." It can solve so much and smooth ruffled feathers . . . gotta find someone or thing to give a hug now!
marianne |
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Across the Fence: Daughter -in -law problem!! |
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Daughter -in -law problem!!
