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Family Matters:  One of my son's friends is stealing from us  |
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forgetmenot
True Blue Farmgirl
3602 Posts
Judith
Nora Springs
IA
USA
3602 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 21 2011 : 9:23:11 PM
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Wow, Nini! Such a trial. What a crazy, stressful time for your family. It really does sound like you are guiding your son down the right path though. I'll say prayers that this turbulence will end soon for your family. A family's resilience can be a wonderful thing.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Red Moon |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2011 : 11:06:06 PM
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Thank you, Judith - I know... it's so yucky. You're all probably thinking we're living in a really bad place, but we're honestly not. I keep feeling like I must be giving all of you the impression that we live in some horribly drug-ridden projects where you have to hide in your home or risk your life going out to the grocery store.. but honestly, that isn't the case. We're just a really normal neighborhood - this could be happening to anyone. It's extremely sad and quite infuriating that a few people can make it so hard on everyone else. 'Just gotta keep the faith and keep praying, you know?
My son's really upset with me right now because I'm being overprotective. A lot of the other kids are still out and about even in all this snow, in these sub-zero wind chills, and even after dark, but I won't even let him go shovel the walk without someone with him. He feels like I'm treating him like a baby, but I disagree. I'm willing to take all his guff and be the heavy right now. There hasn't been any news report stating that the shooter was caught or anything. Plus my DH has been working long hours, sometimes into the wee hours of the next morning, so I am feeling especially vulnerable about the situation. I feel kind of childish about the way I'm feeling, to be honest. You think you're so together until something like this happens. And the boy in question from my last post was here tonight, and when I asked what had happened over there the other night, he said that they (meaning he and his sister) were in "lock down," (?) and he doesn't know what happened at his building the other night (old house converted to apartments), and he wasn't asking because it wasn't any of his business and he didn't want to know. Well, excuse me, then. I probably shouldn't have asked to be honest. He was actually kind of sharp in his response, so I'm guessing it was someone at his house that was taken away. I just squeezed his shoulder, gave him a little smile and told him that all I cared about was that they were okay. He just smiled, relaxed his shoulders and looked down.
These poor kids. So heartbreaking. But I can't have them stealing from me, either. So, when a few of the boys were here this afternoon, I took the opportunity to just let them know how much we care about them and how glad we are to have them over for video games and pizza and sleepovers, but that we've noticed that we've had a few things suddenly "disappear" over the holiday break, and that really puts everyone in a tough position. Of course they immediately started with the, "not me's," etc. So I told them that I am absolutely not pointing fingers, and that I was going to bring this up with everyone who comes in the house so everyone is on the same page. I didn't accuse anyone, and I didn't mention names. All I continued with saying was that we needed to be able to trust everyone who enters our home; that we seek the same courtesy and respect from everybody as we extend to them. I told them I didn't want anyone to point fingers, that at this point I didn't want to know who or why or how or anything, but that I'm just laying down the law. If it happens again, I'm going to start calling and/or visiting parents, and anymore theft - no matter how small it may seem - would be reported to the police and I will tell them the name of each and every kid who had been at the house when it happened. Man did eyes go wide when I said that! And some eyes were cast on one person in particular, which was no surprise to me, but I pretended not to notice. I told them I wasn't out to be mean or hurtful or cause problems for anyone, but if I am treated without respect and as a victim, the perpetrator will be treated as the criminal, plain and simple, so it'd better stop. It got so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I told them that I love each and every one of them, that they know I am here if they need anything, that they know they can come to me and ask for anything they need; they don't need to steal. I kind of left it at that and said, "Ok?" And they all pretty much said, "Yep." And that was that. We'll see.
Good gravy... I didn't happen to see any of this in the parenting manual, did you? LOL! It's like we have to go through growing pains all over again with our kids, isn't it? Only this time, we're the ones on the receiving side of the rolling eyes, the pounding feet, the "Oh, MOM!'s" and the "Aw, DAD!'s", the "That is SO not fair's!" and the "Why-y-y-y-y-y-y-y's?" And we have to be the ones to make all the tough decisions, deal with the worry, and put up with the unpleasantness. I'm starting to really understand that horrible phrase my Dad used to spew back: "Because I SAID so, THAT's why! Now DO what you're TOLD and this BETTER be the END of it!" <<shudder>> Man did I hate those words back then. I haven't gone there yet, but sometimes I feel that same response just creeping up on me and making my jaw clench and tremble.
You know, I think I'm going to call my Mom tomorrow... And my Dad, too... I think I'm going to let them know how much I appreciate them and that now I actually kinda "get" it. :)
Thanks for your insights, support and prayers girls! I really appreciate it! Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
Edited by - Ninibini on Jan 21 2011 11:08:01 PM |
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forgetmenot
True Blue Farmgirl
3602 Posts
Judith
Nora Springs
IA
USA
3602 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2011 : 07:37:41 AM
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Hi, Nini. Actually, what you have been expressing has brought back a lot of memories of raising kids and grandkids. We just live in a "normal" environment too. Well, if you can call an acreage in the middle of the country "normal". Anyway, I think the words you used with the group of kids was just right and admirable. It may just do the trick. Over the years we have gone through similar times with the kid's friends. I just started hiding things, and felt angry and victimized. My kids, grandkids didn't want me to say anything. I'm sure I didn't do any favors by keeping quiet. A couple of days after my daughter's wedding our home was burglarized. I am sure I know who it was. No one believed me..Anyway, I think you were very brave and wise to talk with the kids all together. Wish I had. And will..should this happen again. I really would like to be there for the kids too.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Red Moon |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2011 : 08:57:30 AM
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Hi Nini You did the right thing putting all the kids on notice. Possibly the peer pressure on the "bad one" will help now that it is out in the open that you are on the him, and mentioning the police lets them know that you are indeed serious. It's tough being a parent no doubt about that but it comes with the territory and it pays off in the long run, I recall many times being the bad guy that said no about something when "everybody else can", don't regret a single one of those nos. The biggest payoff has been when one of the kids has said since "now I know why you did..... or said no". Just as we now understand our parents our kids will understand us. Hang in there, the years that you spend parenting a young child are really very short compared to the years that you are the parent of a grown child, they just seem long. And you don't have to live in a rough area to have bad things going on. We raised our kids in a very affluent area (gated community, country clubs, private planes etc.) and we had similar problems.
Kathy |
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Family Matters: One of my son's friends is stealing from us |
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One of my son's friends is stealing from us
