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Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up:  My 5 year old has cancer  |
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Meg
Moderator/Farmgirl True
974 Posts
Meg
Idaho
USA
974 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 12 2011 : 11:53:17 AM
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Elizabeth, thank you for sharing some parts of this journey you've been handed. You are all in our thoughts. Farmgirl love to you and your family.
MaryJane's daughter,
Meg
megan@maryjanesfarm.org
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momdrinkstea
True Blue Farmgirl
180 Posts
Elizabeth
Ozark
AL
USA
180 Posts |
Posted - Apr 13 2011 : 05:45:31 AM
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Thank you for the updates, sending FG prayers for both of you.
Hang in there mama! Hug those little ones! Love to all of your family!
Stacked Stone Farm
feel free to follow my blog: www.stackedstonefarm.blogspot.com |
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ChickieMama
True Blue Farmgirl
303 Posts
Angela
Banks
Oregon
USA
303 Posts |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Apr 13 2011 : 5:21:24 PM
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Elizabeth my friend~ I've been taking in every word--yours and those of others. As I'm certain you are already well aware of, most people are not comfortable sitting in the shadow that defines so much of this experience. That adds to what already makes this journey so difficult. People want to fix it. They are desperate to cheer you up and somehow change the subject. It's hard to explain that even when you're having a good day or a good moment, the wicked vicious presence of cancer is never abated. What's worse is the desperate desire for that to be otherwise. Oh to be fully present to those good times...to play in wellness with reckless abandon...to forget for just minute. But the truth is, "There are days where I feel almost normal." Almost is the operative word.
The farmgirls seem to be a different breed. These women..most of them haven't had this experience..they don't know but somehow they transcend that and find understanding. I have always found this place to be very safe and I never cease to be amazed by the enormity of heart and compassion found all over here.
I want to acknowledge your words and your perspective: "..I think too much. I worry about Jacob. I worry about the other two kids who are also losing a part of their childhood and who have a completely different life than a few months ago. I feel sorry for them all as they have a new mommy...a stressed out and not so happy mommy, though I try to pretend and make everything normal for them. I feel sorry for Ben since I blame him too much for not taking some of the stress off me. I guess I feel too guilty all of the time about things that I can not control."
Reading those words broke my heart. I Hear you and I know the guilt you feel but please allow a little space for what I'm going to say to enter into your psyche. Please take a deep breath.
You are a beautiful person.
You are a wonderful mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, and Spirit.
You are doing everything right..even the things that feel less right are still right.
Your mistakes are your opportunities for growth and healing. No one is immune to making them.
Your children are perfect exactly as they are.
Your children's childhood is unique but they are not alone in their experience. They shall prevail. Children are MASTERS at resilience and adaptability.
Pretending is not an authentic way to live life. Please consider your true and genuine self. Even when you are sad or anxious or stressed, and don't feel comfortable in those emotions, you have an opportunity to guide your children through all of that in an authentic way. They will also know sorrow, stress and anxiety in their own lives..how will they learn to cope if you don't show them?
The journey fate has handed is a monumental one and everything you must endure is well within your ability. You have stores of grace that haven't even yet been tapped. You are that powerful. You are that extraordinary!
"Most days are hard and horrible, and yet we are still blessed."
Elizabeth, I no longer use that word, 'blessed.' I don't feel blessed. I feel incredibly lucky and they are not the same thing. I understand why and how you are using that word. Most people do and I did for some time too but not anymore. I've known too many who have perished and I know how close we were..how close we remain. I LOVED what you wrote about Jacob and what he's taught you. I resonate deeply with that. Aria has been my mentor as well. So often I thought I was meant to be her guide in life and it has been humbling to discover the many times when the opposite was true.
The halfway mark...This is a wonderful place. I was so happy to read those words. Thank you for keeping us posted-- for letting us know where you are on the journey and how you feel having come so far...I am so proud to know you and so honored to be beside you as you continue toward the finish line....~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
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cbutters
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
Christina
Halifax
VA
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Apr 14 2011 : 06:51:36 AM
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Dear Farm Sister:
I can't imagine what you are going through; please know Jacob and your entire family, caregivers, medical personnel and of course you, are in my prayers.
Blessings,
Chris
Farmgirl #2901
"Sometimes life is not the party we hope for, but while we are here, we might as well dance." |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2011 : 6:09:10 PM
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elizabeth
you are and amazing mother to be able to do all this ..
although this is the one of the most horrific things
to deal with ..the long nights sitting in the hospital
watching the sun rise thru the windows and watching the people
coming and going on the street just living their lives seemingly happy
and wishing for that normal life again..and yes its a different kind of blessing
a truly enlightening soul searching eye opening experience..you must feel so alone
in the darkness..but we are all here and with you in spirit and praying for jacob
to recovery fully ...hugs and blessings deborah
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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violetrose
True Blue Farmgirl
960 Posts
Ruth
Epworth
GA
USA
960 Posts |
Posted - Apr 20 2011 : 6:29:00 PM
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Elizabeth, Thank you so much for your heartfelt response to me and all of us Farmgirls. You are a wonderful Mom and wife. I see you as a strong, loving, tender, compasionate lady that is dealing with a very difficult situation and you are doing it remarkably well.
I so wish I lived close to you so I could sit with the kids and you and DH could have some couple time.
You, Jacob and your family are in my prayers, as well as on our prayer list in Sunday School.
Thank you for that very sweet "thank you" note - You are one special lady :)
Hugs and prayers,
Ruth
Farmgirl Sister # 1738
God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us!
St. Augustine |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2011 : 07:15:58 AM
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still thinking of you and your family. love prayer and hugs from here to you. sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 5:06:20 PM
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Jacob and I are in the hospital this weekend for another 4 day round. He threw up last evening but I am hoping that was from all the food he was eating yesterday instead of the medicine wearing him down more. He was very whiny today and sleepy but I am too so it isn't just the chemo!
Just wanted to let all you ladies know that his CT scan showed that at this point there is no evidence of cancer in his body! We can only thank the Lord for that and hope that it continues this way for him! He has been such a trooper and his body is fighting this for all it's worth! After this weekend just 7 more treatments to go!!!
Thank you all for your prayers and continued support! Love you all!
-Elizabeth
www.trenchesofmommyhood.blogspot.com |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
3011 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
3011 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 6:05:49 PM
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Elizabeth
I continue to pray for you daily, & marvel at the strength of you sweet baby. (& his strong mama)
Great news!!!
Aren't you "over the hump" with the chemo?
Hope so! |
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1408 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1408 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 7:03:13 PM
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That is the same news that I hear each time I have a CT scan. The doctor was very positive about "curing" this cancer. Last year was miserable in that I couldn't spend any time out in the sunshine, was too tired to garden and spent most of my time sitting around on the sofa, watching miserable daytime TV. I am glad to be able to garden and mow my lawn now. I'm praying that young Jacob keeps on getting better and better.
Betty in Pasco |
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HealingTouch
True Blue Farmgirl
3448 Posts
Darlene
Kunkletown
Pa
USA
3448 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 7:06:03 PM
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Elizabeth~God is Good All the Time and He listens to all our prayers for you all. So thankkful for the wonderful results and will continue to keep you in my prayers. 
Be Blessed,
Darlene
Sister 1922
God first, everything else after!
When Satan's knocking at your door, just say "Jesus will you get that for me?"
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 7:06:34 PM
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Elizabeth!
You are doing so well. Jacob is, well, nothing short of astounding! All these kids are but he's been a true hero. I am so proud of him and I am deeply impressed by you.
This is such a long haul. No evidence of disease on a CT scan is HUGE. Every cancer parent celebrates this and fears it too. People not on the journey may wonder, "What? It's practically over...what is there to fear?" Those of us who've been around awhile know all too well that the beast lurks and lingers. It's a terrifying presence. Questions like, "Is this really it? Will it come back? Can I let my guard down? Really?" haunt with a ferocity that I would never have believed myself.
We learn how to live in the moment as not only an intellectual exercise but as a true way of life dictated by cancer. We manage though. That's one of many miracles. People do--manage. The resilience of Spirit is enormous and you have had grace that has been extraordinary to witness.
Congratulations to you all! this is an enormous milestone and I am celebrating you. ~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 7:31:33 PM
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Praying...
cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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buffypuff
True Blue Farmgirl
1183 Posts
Claudia
Deer Park
WA
USA
1183 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 7:56:31 PM
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Elizabeht, I am so happy about the CT's. I can't imagine what you and Jacob go through putting one foot in front of the other. It is time to send Jacob another card. I hope I did not misplace your address. If so, I will write you privately for your address.
Julia, it is so good to see your post. I think of you often and wonder how things are going for you and the family. I hope well. Blessings!
Buffypuff/ Claudia ~ Farmgirl & Sister #870 ~
"It compliments God to ask great things of Him." ~ St. Theresa of Avila
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2011 : 07:49:25 AM
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Yes, we are over the hurdle of the half way mark! After this weekend he will have had 13 rounds and he will have just 7 left to go - we are hoping to be finished by the end of August.
Julia- you are spot on! It is a huge relief to hear NED on the scan and while there is huge joy in hearing that there is always that nagging thought of "will it stay away?" I hate it when people say "You'll be done with this journey soon!" because I know we won't be. I don't think a lot of people understand the gravity of childhood cancer. A lot of cancers have a high reaccurance rate, and if they manage to get around that having all these drugs and radiation at such a young age can cause other cancers later in their life. So each CT scan will be met with trepadition and fear. But at the same time - I still have HOPE and know that Jacob is in the best hands possible - God's. His WILL will be done. So keep those prayers coming, everyone!
-Elizabeth |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2011 : 09:27:29 AM
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Elizabeth~ I want to talk about 2 things:
The First is this whole idea of 'God's Will' will be done. I believe that but probably not in the way most do. Most people pray and pray for exactly what they want. When it happens it's a miracle. God is listening and answering prayers. When it doesn't, the anger and disappointment over it is displaced and projected upon God who didn't listen and didn't answer prayers. OR people are left to ponder Mystery and say things like, "Well, God's ways are mysterious. We don't know the Will of God." It is an easy teeter-totter upon which to ride. One minute praising God and feel His great presence, while the next minute feeling ignored and sort of alone. I've seen this balancing act happen all the time and there is nothing that illustrates with greater clarity than staring in the face of a dying child. The confusion this brings is a pain that I can't begin to fathom.
I'm telling you this because I read something that helped changed my perspective. It was a conversation that a Jesuit Priest was having with a Hindu Guru who said, "In your country it is considered a miracle if God does one's will. In our country, it is considered a miracle if one does the will of God."
I loved that. The deep question that we must consider with great commitment is "What if God's Will isn't mine?" I remember like it was yesterday staring at Aria one time while she was in the hospital with a 104+ fever. I was frantic about septic shock, which is always the concern. It is deadly. She was on I think 5 different antibiotic type drugs...They were basically throwing everything at her just to keep whatever it was away. She had no immune system at the time. There before me was the challenge. Do I plead and beg God to spare her? What if God didn't? What if in that moment she died? How would I ever trust God again? I remembered that story and then one of many surrenders happened. I didn't pray for Aria. I watched and let go. I prayed for Trust in the entire process. "It will be what it will be, I told myself. I felt the illusion of my control slip away and into the hands of Divine Mystery and stunningly, I felt empowered.
Now I'm telling you this for the second reason of this writing, which is the many people you encounter who say things you hate. Who say things that rankle and clearly reflect how they don't understand what's going on.
Why would they?
You see, most people you know need Jacob to be completely healed almost as badly as you do. They aren't living the nightmare so it is next to impossible for them to hold in their hands what you have to face every single day. They hear "no evidence of disease" and need to believe the battle is over. You know better. It isn't that people don't get it. They do. They understand the enormity of what you face on some level. The problem is that they don't know what to do with it. They don't know how to hold it. They don't know where to put that kind of terror and shock. Every deeply held conviction gets tested and the pain this causes on top of the injustice of a little one fighting for life is just too much! They love and admire you and hate to see you suffer. If Jacob has no evidence of disease, this means Elizabeth's life will be back on track to! Yay for her! they think. Why wouldn't they?
This is where most of us are just too tired to explain it. We smile and nod at these friends, well-wishers and basically clueless people but inside we are sort of tortured. We seethe not fully understanding our anger. We feel hurt and dismissed. We question the loyalty of these friends and family and find ourselves turning toward our cancer friends and families.
This is a very normal process on the journey but not one that too many talk about.
I mention it because your non-cancer friends and families will never be able to hold what you are going through if you don't take the time to sit them down and really explain it to them. I know you have already but they need to hear it repeatedly. Now they may dismiss it. It may still be too much but keep at it.
If you can, think of it as childhood cancer advocacy work. You didn't ask for this job. It was assigned to you in the meanest worst way possible BUT you have an influential grace that will eventually get people to pay attention and join the cause. Childhood Cancer is grossly underfunded and the more people understand the magnitude of it beyond just "how unfair" it all is, the more people will get involved to make a positive change.
People don't understand that sometimes families must put everything on the line for the life of their cancer ridden children; jobs, homes, futures lost to save the life of their beloved. Sometimes it works. Most of the time is doesn't. The devastation is quiet but absolutely complete. People don't recover. They are often only shells of their former selves.
I have said many times that there is no moving on. There is only moving with. People will understand this if you explain it enough times. Remember it comes back to their needs innocently trumping the reality set before them. This happens because of their fear. Allay their fear with the reality that you know and you will find more and more people being able to be still with you..present to you...and genuine.
7 more treatments to go. Will this really see the end? Who can answer that. The question leads us away from today, which is all we've ever been promised.
Elizabeth, you rockstar!!! Blessings to you always! ~j
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2011 : 3:06:32 PM
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Thank you, Julia, for your words of wisdom!
I understand what you are saying about the will of God. It is easy to say "Let God's will be done" when things are going well. It's harder to say it when what is happening is not MY will. Childhood cancer is facing a parent's worst fear - the possible death of their child. All of a sudden it is smack dab in our face and whispering in our ear every second of the day.
A few weeks after Jacob's diagnosis, when I was going crazy out of my mind with worry and the "what ifs" I had to give myself some tough love. I asked myself "What is your hope for Jacob's life?" and my answer was for him to grow up and lead a long happy life following God and most of all getting to Heaven. I then realized...if God takes my son away it means that Jacob has acheived my goal for his life - an eternal life with God. Does it make it easier now to think about the "what ifs"? A little. It makes me realize that in the end Jacob is going to be okay NO MATTER WHAT. Whichever way this cancer journey takes us JACOB IS GOING TO BE OKAY. It may be here on earth or it may be in Heaven but one way or another he is going to be healed.
Yeah, thinking about it in those terms sometimes breaks my heart but it is easier now to place Jacob's path in God's hands and truly know that His WILL will be done. :)
-Elizabeth |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - May 22 2011 : 11:57:15 PM
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Julia and Elizabeth- I just have to say- both of you are incredibly tough, brave women and I am honored to know you both. I am so grateful that Aria and Jacob have such wonderful moms to support them through their struggles with this horrible disease. You both have gained so much wisdom through this trial-by-fire. You both take my breath away.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - May 23 2011 : 6:20:42 PM
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Oh my, this touches my heart. Aria and Jacob are so blessed to have such wise mammas. Your words bring tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine what you are both going thru but you are dong it with grace, and strength, and wisdom, and love. You never "get over" it..as you said you "get on with it." Please know that Aria and Jacob are in my prayers and I pray for peace, comfort, and strength for their families. Big, gentle hugs to you all. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up: My 5 year old has cancer |
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My 5 year old has cancer
