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Across the Fence:  Love Love Love Love Love  |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 2:09:05 PM
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I want to thank those who have written to me recently wondering how I am. I imagine worrying that I might be unwell due to my silence/absence on the forum.
Rest assured I am more than well. I thank you for your thoughts and wonderings. I thank you for taking the time to inquire and express your concern. It means a great deal and in my silence I apologize for allowing any negative thoughts to have entered your minds with respect to myself and Aria.
My silence and absence is the result of multi-fold reason. The most important is that Aria is so well that we are living life that resembles what we once had before she was diagnosed with leukemia. It isn't the same and I suppose that's obvious but what is so often missing is the descriptions of what makes life different.
Aria is nearly 3 years older than when she was first diagnosed. Her maturity is beyond her approaching 7 years a lot of the time and other times she regresses to a peculiar infantile-needy state that I don't see in my other children. She sometimes shows us remnants of those horrible 'steroid' days when she became so emotional and distressed that is was beyond all reason and rationale. It was a strange kind of delirium that came upon her intensely for 5 days of every month. We see bits and pieces of that on occasion and this acts as a reminder that the scars left behind are still very tender. Still, Aria continues to do well and is cancer-free. She endures monthly clinic visits for lab work and I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that these visits are painful--not because of what they are but because of what they could mean. This is an anxiety I'm still trying to temper because it takes me out of the realm and reality of "Aria doing so well" and puts me into a fictional place of 'what if.' This has been one of the most profound lessons explored on our journey.
I am gardening again. I have cleaned off my Jane Deere and ride her regularly now. My garden in some ways is pathetic and sad and in others is the most glorious one I've ever had. That's the difference. In life before cancer, I would have bemoaned that my peas didn't germinate well, that I couldn't find seed potatoes in time to plant them, that my strawberry patch died and I transplanted 100 new plants, most of them struggling to survive....I would have poo-pooed that my squash plants look absurdly small and silly as if holding their breath not wanting to grow for some rebellious reason.
I don't do this anymore. I am so grateful that my beans are reaching for the sky, that my tomato plants look alarmingly green with little fruits decorating the limbs like christmas ornaments. I can hardly contain myself when I pick fresh greens right from the ground for our dinner salads. I've been eating radishes with just a swipe along my apron to clean them not minding a little extra dirt. Spitting out the root and tossing the green top back into the soil fills me with a sense of joyous accomplishment that I have never before experienced. Everything is brighter, crisper, cleaner, fresher, more abundant.
To reclaim what I have been able in these few months has been the most extraordinary experience. It is so because it comes from the depth of loss where only true growth happens.
I've been working on my book, "About Aria". It is a memoir and has proven difficult with respect to visiting times and places that I'd rather put far-far behind me. They seem irrelevant to where we are now. It seems ridiculous to me that I worried and complained as did, knowing what I know now. This is where false judgment begins to have a field day with my mind, confidence and self-esteem. I'm working hard to not ignore those thoughts when they come but rather embrace them and gently remind myself that life was severe, Aria's disease threatened her existence and that moments then and now remain as precious as ever. I tell myself in a prayerful mantra; "There are no promises and no guarantees." This has proven invaluable to me so I don't forget to remember and thus forget to live more presently.
I haven't contributed to the forum in many many weeks. I've been on occasionally reading and thinking. I've been spending a great deal of time on other people's web sites--those on their own cancer journeys. Just a week ago 2 children died of the same disease Aria had. This is a stark reminder of what we have endured. It is almost impossible to describe trying to offer comfort to a mother whose child is dying or has died while I've been gifted more time with an exuberant and healthy Aria. It is a unique sort of survival's guilt I suppose, although I no use for guilt of any kind. So I've been writing and contributing a great deal to other's on their journey in the hope that our present success remains a light of promise that 'come what may' Life remains a gift.
This my dear friends is where I have been and what I've been up to. I have missed you and will soon contribute again. Like an autumn leaf, I go as the wind blows me and I sense a change in direction. Until that time, you are always with me as I am with you..
In this beautiful moment, I send you, each of you reading, my love and my light.
Yours in farmgirl friendship and overflowing love, ~julia hayes
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
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Tn.Earthmama
True Blue Farmgirl
451 Posts
Phyllis
Englewood
Tennessee
451 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 2:28:57 PM
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| WONDERFUL!!!!!!! so happy that your life is so full of good things. bright blessings Phyllis |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
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knittinchick
True Blue Farmgirl
1854 Posts
Megan
Wisconsin
1854 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 3:10:52 PM
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Julia, I'm so happy for you! It sounds like you have a good life going on right now.
God's Blessings,
Megan aka Loretta Rae
At heart, I am both a sassy city girl and a down-home country gal. |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 4:35:40 PM
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I have thought of you and wondered how you and yours were doing, I meant to write(email), and honestly forgot, and I am very sorry for that. I love to read your posts, they are sooo heartfelt and courageous, and I think of you as being one tuff women and at the same time, a mama who is so unsure of tomorrow, that it would break a chunk out of my heart. I will say , I can't wait to see and read that book that you are writing, and I know that its one that will bring tears easily, but, at the same time will bring smiles and giggles too. Please give that angel of yours a big hug from this mama/grandma, and you my friend, you are an inspiration to all parents...than you
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3322 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3322 Posts |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 5:03:49 PM
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Julia
I was just thinking about you the other day. What a joyous summer you are having. |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 5:24:58 PM
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I think about you and your family all the time...so glad to hear that you are all doing well..and enjoy that garden!!!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 6:12:58 PM
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Julia I am so happy to see your post today. I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. I am so glad that all is well and that you have been able to shift into a "new" normal. Isn't it funny how even though the usual mundane things seem the same, everything is so different because you are different. Everyone who has been down a long road into the depths of that kind of struggle with self emerges with a new sense of how things really are. It must be very surreal to re-visit those struggles as you write your book. I think the tendency in all of us is to want to turn away from those experiences because the nerves can be so raw in retrospect. I know my dear that you will find new insight and a beautiful way to state that which was so difficult and in turn heal the places that still twinge when re-visited. I wish you only joy in the now - in this precious moment that each one is savored as the gift it truly is.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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Lin
True Blue Farmgirl
807 Posts
Lin
Sioux City
IA
USA
807 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 7:49:53 PM
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Julia, such happy news and how wonderful that you are making heartfelt and warm memories. Can't wait to read your book! Thank you for sharing! Lin
"Our beautiful earth is worth saving"!! |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 9:08:58 PM
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My whole family has been prayin for you and yours. They will be thrilled to know how well Aria is doin! I understand the survivors guilt a little. I felt much the same way while stndin by the beside of my youngest, martha, while tryin to comfort other parents in the nicu who's babies were passin. Especially when there's weren't as bad off as mine. I have people look at me funny when I tell them of the 6 weks on iv's, breathing machines, and feeding tubes. They don't believe me until I show them the scars. I have felt guilty for makin such a big deal of my little girl when she's walkin around fine now. I have to remind myself that they didn't even think she would make it from the hospital to the childrens hospital. I have a daily reminder of how precious every minute with them really is. Everytime I see the scars my stomach drops. Every tank top shows it, every bath makes it gleam, every change of clothes I see it. I wish it wasn't there, but it is part of what makes her HER. Your little Aria will be stronger for all she's been through. I still wish it hadn't happened...for her and for mine.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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TeresaJ25
True Blue Farmgirl
975 Posts
Teresa
Medford
NY
USA
975 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 05:16:32 AM
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Julia
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Your words are very inspirational.
It is such a wonderful feeling to know all these woman care so much about you. Keep us posted on your book.
~Hugs~
~Teresa
Farmgirl Sister #1348
*Anyone can criticize and complain and predict doom and gloom.
Be the person who fills the room with sunshine! |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 06:57:19 AM
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it is so good to hear from you. i know the return visits for check ups are frightening. i just had mine. you are a strong wise woman. a mother we would all want to have through a trial like arias. i am so happy for you. having any amount of normal is a fine thing. i still get up and say ....i need no infusions today, no chemo room today. sooo very happy for your family julia. happy days sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 09:19:47 AM
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Julia, so good to hear from you! What a wonderful summer you are having. I don't know why but, I havent been worried. I just had this feeling you were enjoying life to the fullest and having a wonderful time with your family.There is such joy in normal everyday stuff after you have been through a life threatening ordeal. Just taking a deep breathe and standing in the sunshine is heaven. I am so happy everything is going so well for all of you. Enjoy it to the fullest every day. That my dear friend is how we all need to live life. You are an inspiration to us all. Next time you give Aria a hug, give her an extra squeeze for me.
Love,
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 10:13:27 PM
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Julia- Continued Blessings to you and your family.. thank you for touching base with us!
Smiles and Hugs,
Laurie
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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clothedinscarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
1333 Posts
Siobhan
Battle Creek
MI
USA
1333 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 6:02:13 PM
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I was wondering about you several times recently. I wondered how your trip to the ranch went. Maybe you already posted about that and I missed it. Glad that all is well and that you are enjoying LIFE with Aria and your family!!!! It's just such good news to hear :)
Farmgirl Sister #1110
Siobhan - AKA Liza-Jane (my farmgirl name), wife to my best friend, Trent, and mommy to Camden (11/28/05) and Bennett (7/11/07). and Truman (7/28/09) |
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Aug 03 2010 : 12:59:45 PM
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Thank you for letting us know everyone is fine. Like Michele said, you and yours will still be in my prayers. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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